MIL has shown true colours

[smorgasbords]

I’ve always prided myself on having a brilliant MIL. She has 4 sons, and has always been amazing with her daughters in law. Perfect level of involved and interested (but not overbearing) and just a genuinely nice woman who I’d like if I met her in another walk of life.

Until now. DH’s brother is splitting up from his wife in very messy circumstances which include his cheating. I’ve seen the messages that prove this, and he’s admitted it to my SIL so that’s not in doubt. However MIL has completely taken his side and is even saying that SIL is “confused”, her anger is making her “irrational” etc. just full on gaslighting basically. It’s been quite awful and is making a tricky situation worse and much more of a whole family thing, as MIL has tried to tell her other children not to speak to SIL.

It’s shocked me. Not that she would prioritise supporting her own son as I know blood is thicker than water but the way in which she is doing it is so out of character. She’s always been very clear eyed when it comes to her boys flaws and has stepped in and helped this particular SIL when her husband was failing to step up after the birth of their twins. She’s not someone I would have expected this of.

She’s shot herself in the foot really because I’m currently pregnant with our first and seeing this has made it really clear to me and DH that she’s not someone who we want to be too close to our family, and now I’ve seen how quickly I’ll be slandered in the family I won’t be able to be close to her anymore. Anyway, my DH is equally unimpressed with her behaviour so that’s something. Just can’t believe I’ve finally got the classic mumsnet MIL!

I know this is Mumsnet, but I'm sure that there are plenty of people who are able to have a calm, diplomatic and reasoned conversation with someone who's angry and hurting on behalf of their child.

Tbh saraclara I agree with you, but I also think it's a big risk to take as the angry person may become massively unreasonably defensive and turn their anger on you. Unfortunately this seems to have happened as per Op's update, which is a big shame.

Think your MIL has some baggage, unfaithful husband. Second husband who enables her behaviour. Menopause, your OH and other family are doing the right thing not enabling her too by your neutrality.

I am sorry for your husband to have to see his mother behaviour. It's grim

@Immunetypegoblin

I know this is Mumsnet, but I'm sure that there are plenty of people who are able to have a calm, diplomatic and reasoned conversation with someone who's angry and hurting on behalf of their child.

Tbh saraclara I agree with you, but I also think it's a big risk to take as the angry person may become massively unreasonably defensive and turn their anger on you. Unfortunately this seems to have happened as per Op's update, which is a big shame.

Yep. The update about BIL telling her a pack of lies, makes the whole 'reasonable conversation' thing a lot more tricky, sadly.

My in laws were like parents to me for 20 years, their son cheated and left me, and they turned on me and never spoke to me again.

Blood is thicker than water, hope it doesn't happen to you.

I never would have thought the wonderful
Mother in law I had would be so cruel to me and then turn my own children against me.

I think your MIL is in shock and it might have bought back memories of her unhappy marriage; she doesn't want to think her son is capable of such behaviour it is easy to believe the yarn spun by him and it is the DIL that is an issue.
You DH is right to disengage. Support your SIL as best you can.

Your poor SIL

@smorgasbords

I think everyone saying that BIL is probably spinning her a pack of lies is a very good point, and one that my husband and I have just been discussing. We think that’s very likely to be the case, and will try to see some of her actions through this lens. Even so, it doesn’t really explain her nastiness in the way she has been speaking about SIL and trying to get us to cut contact, which has been the thing that has so bothered DH and I.

Thanks for the kind words from people - I definitely think this has been the reminder that I’m not family. I’m sorry so many of you have had similar experiences with your partner’s families.

I wouldn't be suprised if MIL was not talking about the affair.

However MIL has completely taken his side and is even saying that SIL is “confused”, her anger is making her “irrational” etc. just full on gaslighting basically

But I think you also mentioned that she had been supportive before when her DIL had twins? My guess is if their break up is "messy" that this has to do with BIL being able to see children or losing money and being financially worst off due to the break.

Just because you know he cheated, you don't know what DIL has threatened in the heat of the moment so you don't know why she is saying these things.

I do think it is really sad that you want to distance your new baby away from its grandparent. You are shocked by her current behavior and were close before and yet you can not sit her down and have an honest conversation with her about how out of character and why she is responding as she is and yet you are surprised that may treat you like this is you break up with your DH? Well why wouldn't she - you are trying to stop her being part of her grandchild's life before it is even hear rather than have a grown up conversation and be open and honest with her.

Just because you know he cheated, you don't know what DIL has threatened in the heat of the moment so you don't know why she is saying these things

Before I get jumped on I a not saying he was right to have cheated or trying to victim blame - clearly DIL may have said nothing and BIL is playing victim - I literally mean until you ask her why this is her stance, you won't know.

You are shocked by her current behavior and were close before and yet you can not sit her down and have an honest conversation with her about how out of character and why she is responding as she is and yet you are surprised that may treat you like this is you break up with your DH? Well why wouldn't she - you are trying to stop her being part of her grandchild's life before it is even hear rather than have a grown up conversation and be open and honest with her.

@rumrunner123 have you read all my updates? That’s exactly what DH has tried to do, a couple of times, most recently last night. It did not go well.

@WTF475878237NC

I never understand the not getting involved thing with siblings. In my family people would be on the phone denigrating this behaviour from BIL, saying how ashamed they were and that SIL would not be treated any differently and would continue to be supported even once they split. What a horrible way for the family to all show their true colours.

@WTF475878237NC, if this was directed to me; we did all of those things, but I refused to cut my brother out of my life because he cheated. For me, it simply isn't a serious enough crime for me to cut out someone who is so important to me. As for my exsil, yes, I did support her and we were friendly for about a year after they split. When she heard I was going to meet up with my own brother a full year after they split, she hit the roof. The thing is that her own sister cheated on her husband and then left with the OM and it never occurred to her to cut out her sister or chastise her for it. So I think her expectation for me never to see my brother again was too much. She wasn't a close enough friend for that at all and I don't particularly like her. As for "what a way for the whole family to show their true colours" really? You don't condone cheating by refusing to get overly involved. My weird aggressive auntie made it a personal vendetta against the OW. It was unhealthy tbh.

So, to be brief, I completely disagree with your post

@smorgasbords - sorry no I hadn't seen it

FWIW though, IF you see her and she mentions it, I would still ask her why she is acting in this particular way and why? It may not go well again but I think if she keeps getting told that she is acting unreasonably (is she less likely to scream and cry to you than your DP who is her emotional support).

I am not saying that this is going to end well and DH is NC with his DM because she is well bonkers really so I am not someone who thinks family relationships have to survive at all costs.

This is so common when marriages break up. Just remember that she's grieving for a big part of her future that she was anticipating - her close relationship with the daughter in law and the children, her happy family, and even her opinion of her son who she loves
I think this post hits the nail on the head. My own MIL is a kindly woman but I know her loyalty would always lie with her DS/my DH should we split. This is appropriate because she would not be my priority in that situation. This does not stop her being a decent person and a loving grandmother.
I'm not at the DIL stage myself but, whatever my DS did, I think I would find it impossible to stop loving him.
I know quite a few ex-DIL's amongst my friends and they have not remained in close contact with their ex-MIL's.

You sound really judgemental about a situation that has nothing to do with you, and of which you won't know the finer detail.

Maybe SIL is horrible to BIL behind closed doors?
Maybe SIL hasn't had sex with BIL for 10 years?
Maybe BIL has lied to MIL about SIL

It isn't your job to treat any of these people harshly, because you aren't in their shoes and you don't know half of what is at play.

When my ExH of 20 years cheated on me, and I left him, my MIL, FIL and 3 SIL's - (all of whom were extremely close for 20 years), never spoke one word to me ever again. They all knew he had cheated, but MIL and FIL's opinion was "ExH was just having a bit of fun, whereas Blonde is breaking up a family". I was henceforth the villain of the piece whilst ExH continued to be golden boy. I do wonder whether he told them the truth, or how he spun it, because that seems a crazy over reaction. Maybe that's what is happening here?

But @Peakypolly (love the name!) no one, least of all me and DH, expect her to stop loving her son. I agree that supporting her son doesn’t mean she stops being “a decent person and a loving grandmother”, as you put it. Her behaviour towards my SIL and now towards my husband is what has made us consider her decency. There’s a difference between not remaining in close contact with an ex-DIL and telling people she’s crazy. It’s nasty.

@BlondeDogLady I’m judgemental about a situation which shouldn’t have been anything to do with me/my DH (beyond a normal level of family), but as I’ve explained multiple times, MIL has repeatedly sought to involve the whole family despite my DH telling her every time that she needs to stop doing so. It has unfortunately become my business, especially when she screams at my DH.

Sorry to resurrect this thread but I just feel like I need a space to discuss this and I don’t really have any other neutral people.

The situation has not materially changed since last week, but we haven’t heard from MIL since (it is very unusual for her to not message my DH for this long). It’s just left such an unpleasant taste in my mouth, like she’s fallen out with my DH and I simply for not going along with everything she says. There have been general family messages in the family WhatsApp but it’s starting to feel very pointed that there’s been such radio silence from her. My DH is shrugging it off and I think doesn’t want to push anything, which is fine, but I just feel so sad that a few weeks ago we had a lovely, stable extended family unit that I loved being part of and looked forward to spending time all together, and now I feel sick with dread at the thought of the situation. I’m just so sad about it. I’m glad MIL hasn’t contacted us in some ways so we don’t have to argue or hear her brainwashed by BIL nonsense, but I also wish she’d messaged to apologise for her behaviour to DH and see if he was ok. This is just so unlike her.

Sorry. Like I said, I just need a space to vent and I don’t want to burden my DH.

A bit of distance is probably best. Chit chat in the family chat is fine. After the screaming convo at dh she may be a bit sheepish. Or she may be (unreasonably) annoyed.

Either way you and dh have done nothing wrong so don't waste time or energy worrying about it. It will blow over and the new normal where you can have a relationship with SIL and kids separate to MIL and BIL will work out. Just let it settle, you're doing the right thing.

Think of something you can do to distract yourself when you find yourself thinking about this. Breathing exercises, mantra, cleaning, colouring in, walk and a podcast.

I think she’s grieving. I would just leave her the space for this now.

Space is good.

Yes, she may be grieving, but in that in that grief has been deeply unkind to your SIL and made a painful situation worse for her DIL.

Your husband has been screamed at by his mother for wanting to be kind and honourable.

Do NOT go against him and interfere in his family.

Stay out of it.

This is HIS family and if he is shrugging off his mothers dreadful behaviour and happy for there to be space, honour his position.

Your MIL has shown herself capable of being very nasty and unkind.

You would be very silly to try and unsee that.

Marriages break up all the time, it happens.

What doesn't happen is that MIL turn on their DIL when their son's behave badly.

That is on her completely.

Don't try and fix something you did not break.

@Chestofdraws have a ⭐️ for the most batshit comment on the thread

Many years ago my Uncle had an affair. Similar to your situation he left his wife and their then two young children.
My Grandma expected the family to toe the party line and back the Uncle, only they hadn't reckoned on my Mother. There was no way Mum was going to cut off her niece and nephew and she made that perfectly clear. This did not go down well with Uncle. A huge row ensued and Uncle and Mum never spoke a word again.

Mums relationship with my Grandma was decidedly frosty afterwards as well, especially as she had no interest in her own Grandchildren because seeing them would have upset my Uncle, who by this time had set up stall with the other woman.

At the time I was a kid and didn't really get it fully. As an adult I admired the balls of my Mother to do absolutely the right thing and support a SIL she loved and her kids over her adulterous brother.
SIL eventually remarried, we went to the wedding and they remained very close up until my Mum died.

I don't envy your situation OP, but I do admire the balls it takes to stand up for the woman when your family want to cut them off. Just be prepared for that worst case scenario.

@MrPenguinsPoppers, you mum sounds like she was a great woman of integrity.

I think you're being given a bit of a hard time, OP. While I think you have to expect a mother ultimately to 'side' with her child in the event of divorce - even if it is their child who has committed adultery - you wouldn't expect that to manifest as a fucking character assassination of the DIL/SIL and an urging to other family members to cut ties. That's fucking appalling.

When the father of my children decided to spend some time facedown in the fanny of OW, his mum was very, very even-handed. Now, that was actually slightly annoying, as her insistence she wouldn't 'take sides' belied the fact that the fault was - not exclusively, but predominantly - his. But there's no way she would have actually been unpleasant to me, or told me and others that I was hysterical, or whatever. And she certainly wouldn't have told my SIL to cut me off. That's spectacularly weird and nasty.

Go carefully.

I think it's you who's being difficult here. My grandmother behaved in a similar way many years ago when her son left his wife and 4 kids for another woman. She was in shock and grieving his family that she had loved so much. She never got over it, but she did calm down and became her old self again.

I think you should cut her some slack and try and support her emotionally through this difficult time (not as difficult as for her DIL, obviously, but your MIL seems to be suffering very much). She needs help and a shoulder to lean on not judgment. I can't believe that she has been kind to you for years and at the first instance, you brand her as evil and talk about reducing contact. This whole situation doesn't reflect well on you at all.

Thanks so much everyone - I appreciate the advice and support so much

@MrPenguinsPoppers your mum sounds BRILLIANT. It’s such a relief to hear stories like this and remember that there are some people who are just thoroughly decent. Thanks so much for sharing!

@billy1966 I think “Don't try and fix something you did not break.” is the best advice (maybe that I’ve ever been given!) I really mean that.

and @HistoricMoment I think you’re wrong. Either you haven’t read the full thread and all my responses or you’re determined to take against me, not sure which, but most people who have read everything seem to agree that I’m not being difficult.