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Original poster

MIL has shown true colours

152 replies

smorgasbords · 15/02/2022 16:54

I’ve always prided myself on having a brilliant MIL. She has 4 sons, and has always been amazing with her daughters in law. Perfect level of involved and interested (but not overbearing) and just a genuinely nice woman who I’d like if I met her in another walk of life.

Until now. DH’s brother is splitting up from his wife in very messy circumstances which include his cheating. I’ve seen the messages that prove this, and he’s admitted it to my SIL so that’s not in doubt. However MIL has completely taken his side and is even saying that SIL is “confused”, her anger is making her “irrational” etc. just full on gaslighting basically. It’s been quite awful and is making a tricky situation worse and much more of a whole family thing, as MIL has tried to tell her other children not to speak to SIL.

It’s shocked me. Not that she would prioritise supporting her own son as I know blood is thicker than water but the way in which she is doing it is so out of character. She’s always been very clear eyed when it comes to her boys flaws and has stepped in and helped this particular SIL when her husband was failing to step up after the birth of their twins. She’s not someone I would have expected this of.

She’s shot herself in the foot really because I’m currently pregnant with our first and seeing this has made it really clear to me and DH that she’s not someone who we want to be too close to our family, and now I’ve seen how quickly I’ll be slandered in the family I won’t be able to be close to her anymore. Anyway, my DH is equally unimpressed with her behaviour so that’s something. Just can’t believe I’ve finally got the classic mumsnet MIL!

OP posts:
MrsPsmalls · 15/02/2022 18:00

Its not her job to be perfect OP. You've said you like her, but I don't believe you. Why are you not giving her the benefit of the doubt over this one thing that will be very traumatic for her, when you say she has been great over many years. But if you do dump her it sounds like it will be your loss and certainly not hers, as you seem to expect perfection on all occasions. Well shes had a lucky escape.

OnlyAFleshWound · 15/02/2022 18:00

Honestly, if you haven't yet had your first child, you haven't had the opportunity to see her true colours.

I thought my MIL was OK until my first child was born. Things went downhill extremely rapidly from there.

Pinkyantelope · 15/02/2022 18:02

I agree that it would make me wary of her in the future. I'd be proud of my husband for standing up to her.

I wouldn't cut her off because she's unlikely to harm the GC and they will benefit from a relationship with their GM but I would be careful about being too open and trusting with her.

My mother tried get us to cut off my dad's brother but we just ignored her and invited him to weddings, Christmas Day etc. When they realise you won't go along with their behaviour, they just have to stay in line.

violetskiss · 15/02/2022 18:24

There are a couple of weird responses on this thread (from MIL’s?). The MIL is not just taking her son’s side in the break-up, it sounds like she’s being manipulative/gaslighting and trying to alienate the mother of her grandchildren from the family. You don’t have to do that in a divorce. As well as dragging her son and his family into one couple’s relationship. Of course OP should look at how she treats her daughter in law as a way to see how she would treat her in a similar situation! People show you who they are in bad times, not good ones.

Mingmoo · 15/02/2022 18:32

This is so common when marriages break up. Just remember that she's grieving for a big part of her future that she was anticipating - her close relationship with the daughter in law and the children, her happy family, and even her opinion of her son who she loves. She doesn't sound completely rational about it but people aren't rational about emotional situations. Give her time to come round. She's going through a tough time.

Also bear in mind that you are in a heightened emotional state too, with PFB hormones on the go. You're inserting yourself into this drama when, like the marriage break-up, it's nothing to do with you. Your relationship with this woman is not the same as your SIL's. Give her the benefit of the doubt and let her be involved with your DC when it arrives. Changing your whole opinion of her is nuts and if you burn your bridges you will regret it in the long run.

StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream · 15/02/2022 18:37

*OnlyAFleshWound

Honestly, if you haven't yet had your first child, you haven't had the opportunity to see her true colours.

I thought my MIL was OK until my first child was born. Things went downhill extremely rapidly from there.*

Agree with this 100%, my in laws were lovely to me right up until I had our first child, then it was like someone flicked a switch. There was a very weird dynamic of ownership over our child and it was often stressed that our child(ren) were part of the family, I on the other hand was just the vessel that delivered them. I find it so weird that I thought they were really nice for so many years, then their true awful colours showed.

TheSnowyOwl · 15/02/2022 18:40

You say you’ve seen evidence and have no doubt about certain things but maybe she is aware of things you aren’t or else isn’t aware of things you know about.

Noisyneighneigh · 15/02/2022 18:42

Her son has probably spun her a yarn to try and excuse his shitty behaviour. Nobody enjoys looking the villian. She might be shocked and a bit embarrassed and wants to support her child. If anyone has "shown their true colours" it's her son but carry on and reserve your judgement for her.
If my son or daughter cheated and it resulted in the end of their marriage, I'd still want to support them, it's natural.
You mention it's out of character for her, unless dangerous or illegal everyone should be afforded a questionable judgement sometimes if they're usually a decent person.

Noisyneighneigh · 15/02/2022 18:46

OP, to expand on my post if her son's adulterous, it's not a stretch to assume he's told her a pack of lies. She might be being manipulated by her son and in time be remorseful (or not)

Icecreamandapplepie · 15/02/2022 18:52

I think I maybe understand more your hurt now.. much ad she's kid and has shown you love and been good to you, her priority will always be with her sons.

Sorry.

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/02/2022 18:52

Giving the benefit of the doubt....She might be shock? Panicking? Spinning out a bit?

Could your DH sit down with her and just have "mother, you need to get a hold of yourself and stop this nonsense now."

Either way you are right to be on Amber alert.

The mil changing when you have GC is super common.

I was under no illusions as mine has been a fucking nightmare from day one. her bil and sil are "not proper family" and she known then 40 years Confused and I am not and will never be family in her eyes which suits me fine.

My DHs aunt was drunk at one family party and told me "my husband said he pitied whoever had to marry those two boys (DH and BIL) because they'd have their work cut ou with MIL... while I agree with him I reckon you'll give her a pretty good run for her money!"
She wasn't wrong Grin

Icecreamandapplepie · 15/02/2022 18:52

As she's kind

flowerseedh · 15/02/2022 18:55

The references to your SIL being confused and anger making her irrational is cruel beyond belief.

I agree that it could be what @Unsure33 thinks about the effect of shame.

The MIL can't bring herself to blame her own little boy so her psyche finds some other way of attributing blame.

rogueone · 15/02/2022 19:02

Unfortunately this is not a unusual story. Parents tend to always support their own DC. My mum lost her mum when she was 20. She had a good relationship with my nana (dads mum) but my nana still supported her DS even though he was a cheating wife beater. She wrote a letter to my mum apologising but saying 'he is my son'. I have absolutely no doubt I wouldnt see my PIL again if me and my DH split. You should never be naive to expect that in the event you separate from your partner that your relationship would be the same. If you OP split from your DH contact with your future DC would be via there DS. So i agree being clear about your own expectations is important

gigantaraffe · 15/02/2022 19:05

When my dad had an affair and left us my Nan was so ashamed with his behaviour she cut him off and continued to support my mum. It can't have been easy for her but it was unforgivable in her eyes.

MermaidEyes · 15/02/2022 19:09

People show you who they are in bad times, not good ones.

This in a nutshell. Different scenario, but family recently went through some very traumatic times, and one particular person who we thought would always be supportive, basically showed through both words and actions that they couldn't care less. Made us all see this person in a completely different light.
As others have said, it may just be your MILs way of reacting to the shock, but still....keep your distance for a while and see how things play out. If she continues then she's showing you her true personality.

Theunamedcat · 15/02/2022 19:11

It's obvious that her son will be her focus but there are grandchildren involved she shouldn't alienate the mother of her grandchildren my ex mil did the consequences are she doesn't see her grandchildren not because I prevent it but because I don't facilitate it I leave it up to her son to take them and he never sees her unless he wants something

Cam2020 · 15/02/2022 19:12

There's nothing wrong with the MIL supporting her son and there's nothing wrong with her listening to or believing his side. There is everything wrong with her bad mouthing and trying to isolate her DIL. That's the objectionable behaviour.

ChazzaGirl · 15/02/2022 19:15

It can’t be unusual for a parent to side with their offspring, and as others have said here, perhaps your MIL is really shocked by what’s happened and is struggling a bit. That doesn’t mean she should be encouraging others in the family to take against your SIL though. I think you/dh need to stand firm and make it clear to her that you’re not taking sides.

I wouldn’t go down the route of keeping her completely at arms length yet, maybe wait until things have settled down a bit and people’s nerves are less raw. It’s horrible when members of the family fall out, particularly when you’re stuck in the middle. Good luck.

TeachesOfPeaches · 15/02/2022 19:20

Parents side with their children 99% of the time. You're overreacting.

JamMakingWannaBe · 15/02/2022 19:21

I refuse to be in any group photos with my in-laws after MIL said she wished she could cut my SIL's ex-husband out of one she had up in her hall and she should have made him stand on the end to make it easier for her.

Eslteacher06 · 15/02/2022 19:22

I had a similar situation with my inlaws. I treated his gran like my own and got on very well with her, but when there was a dispute between DH/me and a family member...it didn't matter that they were in the wrong...she turned on me.

I wouldn't cut contact with her, but it should make you more wary of what she can be like. You may find a change in dynamics once you have a kid anyway...it did for me.

ANameChangeAgain · 15/02/2022 19:25

I don't blame you for being upset. I think its important to remember that although she has been a mother figure to you, she is only your mother figure through marriage. Once this marriage is over then any mother in these circumstances will put her son's, or child's interests first. Don't change your relationship with her, but also don't forget this side of her. I'm pleased your dh is standing firm and saying neither of you will get involved or distance from SIL.

TheHoptimist · 15/02/2022 19:26

@unname

You seem delighted!
Agree- drama llama who was waiting for a fight.

Lots of we we we - when really it is nothing to do with the OP

saraclara · 15/02/2022 19:28

@Vintagecreamandcottagepie

If she's in shock and it's totally out of character (your words) then your reaction is ott and even more divisive.

Just let her know you will carry on seeing your sil, but don't make it so she won't be close to your family (again, your words) or think of her as the 'classic mumsnet mother in law', whatever that is Hmm

Not if she's been great up till now.

That. She's clearly been a quite remarkable MIL for many years, to not just one, but four DILS. You honestly think that this one event is who she's been all the time, but hiding it to an Oscar winning level? I don't.

There's is no action that you need to take other than telling her that you will continue to talk to, and if necessary, support your SIL.

I can see that this behaviour had shocked you all, but you don't know what her son had been saying to her (why are you focusing your anger I her rather than him?)

This has clearly rocked her, and she's acting very out of character because of it. But from what you've said, the wonderful MIL is the real her, not this character who is responding to one single event that she seems unable to cope with.

Carry on as normal with her other than being firm in your resolve to maintain a relationship with SIL, and wait patiently for your real MIL to return.

Them turn your disgust to your BIL, whose the one who seems to deserve it.

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