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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex didn't bring our son home

219 replies

VeganAvoToast · 13/02/2022 20:55

I've name changed. I guess I'm posting to see if anyone else has been through this? What happened? I'm in pieces. My son is 7. Ex sent me a screenshot of confirmation of mid term admission to another primary school which he says he is taking our son to see tomorrow. Our son who already sturggles with emtional regualtion and long standing tics. I've called the police but as he has parental responsibility there is nothing they can do.

OP posts:
VikingLundyMalin · 13/02/2022 21:46

@RandomMess

How old is your son?
It’s in the OP.
CornishTiger · 13/02/2022 21:46

Men using kids as weapons for their own selfish egos will not impress the judge. Get that order.

Original poster
VeganAvoToast · 13/02/2022 21:48

Police just phoned back.

Yesterday I messaged him asking to talk to.make amends

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 13/02/2022 21:50

You need to contact a solicitor ASAP and get an order for delivery of your son and an interdict preventing further removal.

Original poster
VeganAvoToast · 13/02/2022 21:51

He started telling me son wasnt coming home. When he started to swear at me I told him not to swear and that call was being recorded. He hung up on me. Text me and told me to stop being abusive and then refused to talk.to me again.

Hes just told the police that he is still living in Scotland, a lie, he told the police he tried to phone me, a lie...I asked to talk to him on the phone and he said and I quote "100% no"

OP posts:
Gazelda · 13/02/2022 21:51

OP, I'm not surprised you're shaking and distressed. Can you get a friend or relative to spend the evening with you? Your mind must be working overtime and it'd be for the best if you keep a clear head and make plans for what to do first thing in the morning.

Yotrotro · 13/02/2022 21:53

My dad did the same thing to me and my brother when we were similar age. Also Scotland to England. Very tough situation as police won't really get involved. Does your son know the routine well enough to know he should be back with you? Will your ex let you speak to your son on the phone? My mum had to go through solicitors to get us back and it took around a week. I remember not realising it was an issue until we got home, none the wiser, then because I could tell my mum was so stressed when we got home, felt really guilty and caught in the middle. Like I'd done something wrong and guilty for not realising!

whynotwhatknot · 13/02/2022 22:01

I dont know if his age will help but unfortunately you can change your dc school if you have pr

happened to my nephew although hes older school said nothing they can do he has pr and police wernt interested either

also this was jsut in england so scotland might be different

Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 22:01

Excellent news. He's lying to the police. A court won't like that. Got any proof of residence?

perfectstorm · 13/02/2022 22:02

This happened to a friend recently. She kept calm, ignored his aggressive claims against her, just kept coming back to the best interests of the child. The judge ordered him to return the children to her immediately and put a Prohibited Steps Order in place to stop her ex doing it again.

This won't look good for him at all. I know it's traumatic but truly, he will be back with you and safe soon. You just need to hold your nerve and seek an emergency hearing ASAP.

Do NOT ask for a welfare check and do NOT enter the house and remove the child. Really, don't. He could just do the same back and then any judge would see you as being as bad as one another. You need to be the sane one here, focused on the child. Don't throw mud, don't make accusations, repeat that this is clearly distressing for your son, who needs his home, his mum, and his school, and that any major changes need to be thought through, planned, and agreed as in his best interests.

This man does not have the law on his side. You do. You just need to remember that you're the grownup in the situation.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-c100-application-under-the-children-act-1989-for-a-child-arrangements-prohibited-steps-specific-issue-section-8-order-or-to-vary-or-discharge

If you can afford a solicitor, or are eligible for legal aid, fantastic. But my friend wasn't, and got them back just the same.

perfectstorm · 13/02/2022 22:03

Oh bugger, sorry, just saw you were Scotland.

However, the principles will be the same. It's not about what an angry father wants. It's about what a young child needs.

Original poster
VeganAvoToast · 13/02/2022 22:11

For an emergency order do I just contact any solicitor?

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 13/02/2022 22:11

p8 here is Scottish law on removal of this kind. www.scottishwomensrightscentre.org.uk/resources/Child-contact-and-residence-final2.pdf

You need an emergency order to return.

Please don't worry. You responded with sarcasm because he harassed you when he chose to move away, and he's now punishing you in this way. He's also removed the child from the legal jurisdiction which is also against the law. You will get him back, and soon. But ensure you have an order to prevent him from any repeat of this in future.

perfectstorm · 13/02/2022 22:12

Call the Scottish Women's Rights Centre helpline. They will be able to direct you to someone sensible.

www.scottishwomensrightscentre.org.uk

Original poster
VeganAvoToast · 13/02/2022 22:13

I can't believe he told the police he tried to call and that I could call at any time.

He told them he contacted the English school under my instructions and now I'm backpeddling. And the policeman said that's as far as police scotland will take this.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 13/02/2022 22:20

I can't believe he told the police he tried to call and that I could call at any time.

Did the police not check his call history?

At least if it goes to court you can show that he’s a liar as it won’t be on either on your phones.
I think perfectstorm has excellent advice.

He is seriously digging himself a massive hole and the only one who looks like a bad parent is him.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 13/02/2022 22:23

Sounds like ex is using your own words against you since you said you were a bad mam, and he should live with him and move schools he has took it and will use it against you in court too

perfectstorm · 13/02/2022 22:46

@Bubblesandsqueak1

Sounds like ex is using your own words against you since you said you were a bad mam, and he should live with him and move schools he has took it and will use it against you in court too
He can't use that in court, ffs. Hmm

It's not evidence of anything worth having. They don't give a shit about parental arguments -they care only about what is best for the child and a sarcastic response to bullying isn't about to be taken into account. If he tries to use that, it will simply make him look even worse. He can't pretend that that was any sort of sensible, thought through agreement. He has behaved in a way that will unsettle, distress and destabilise his son.

OP, please don't worry. A judge will want him stable, in his own settled environment, unless there is really solid evidence of neglect. Which there isn't. Just remember what matters: not petty arguments between two exes, but stability and security for a 7 year old child.

girafferafferaffe · 13/02/2022 22:59

He's fucking disgusting and I sincerely hope you get him back soon op. My god what is WRONG with these men

BOOTS52 · 13/02/2022 23:00

So sorry you are going through this and trying to co parent with an absolute narcissistic control freak knob head who is putting his own selfish need for control over your child's stability and welfare. Please get on to a solicitor first thing and child services. He cannot just decide to keep the child and move schools and disrupt your child's routine. You are doing good in that you are recording everything and keep a diary of times dates etc. Here you can go to the court house I think to get some kind of court order. Ring Citizens Advice also. He needs to have supervised visits as he cannot be trusted to put your son's best welfare and routine first. Hope you are doing ok. Shocking he will not let you talk to your son and he sounds like the type of man that would try to turn your son against you. I would be fighting in court to have supervised visits until he can prove he is stable and he sounds unbalanced and bitter and angry. Why can't people just do the best for their child instead of trying to punish the other parent when in fact it is the child who suffers. Keep us updated so we know you get all sorted.

Ginger1982 · 13/02/2022 23:05

@VeganAvoToast

For an emergency order do I just contact any solicitor?
You need a solicitor who deals with family law. Whereabouts in Scotland are you? I'm a Scottish solicitor and can make some recommendations.
Original poster
VeganAvoToast · 13/02/2022 23:15

We live just outside Edinburgh.

I tried to involve engage ex with a solicitor about 3/4 years ago and he sent one letter back then ignored the rest and my solicitor told me nothing can be done as you cannot enforce engagement or court orders. I might try there again.

I'm going to phone the English school too and express calmly that I do not give permission for a transfer.

I can't believe he lied to the police and said he lived in Scotland. Why send our son to an English school then?

My body is in agony.
I Will never send stupid messages to anyone ever again. This is his fourth gf he has introduced our son to. He's 7 and this is the fourth. Thank god I've got annual leave tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeganAvoToast · 13/02/2022 23:16

My son Will know he should have been home tonight.

OP posts:
HyacynthBucket · 13/02/2022 23:27

You know what you have to do tomorrow, OP. Now try and relax enough to get some sleep. Your DS will be OK and you will get him back. Just stay in the right and be the good parent, and don't descend to ExH's level. [drink]

whynotwhatknot · 13/02/2022 23:37

Id phone the solicitors first for advice

the school cant do anything unless the police or court is involved