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Original poster

Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

389 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 13/02/2022 16:48

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

OP posts:
Mintyt · 13/02/2022 20:21

So you don't want your husband to donate because of your children and the risks, but you don't mind someone to take the same risk to donate for a stranger. Very sad

Nameandgamechange123 · 13/02/2022 20:22

I think your husband sounds like a really amazing man. But I would be really upset that it was not discussed properly weighing up the risks and coming to a decision together as a family. I'm with you op

UserWithNoUserName · 13/02/2022 20:23

I don't think you are BU to feel as you do.
I don't think your husband is being remotely UR to offer, either, mind.

Electriq · 13/02/2022 20:26

@Uberstar I hope all goes well for your daughter and your partner.

sanbeiji · 13/02/2022 20:28

@PurpleDaisies

Wouldn't you then be more upset if someone went through the process, was a match etc, then decided they didn't want to donate?

No. Perhaps could have been clearer that o would ask family and friends and neighbours and people in the street to consider donating. I would want anyone actually donating to be fully informed about the risks.

Fair enough. I'd do the same.. However I'd see it as a major sacrifice, and feel that I owed the donor. So much so that if anything went wrong I'd have a duty of care to their dependents, as much as possible. This may be wishful thinking of course if I was already dealing with a dying child I might not care about anything else!

But this means... using my own reaction as a barometer I'd expect anybody I donated to , be grateful. There was even a thread on here where an OP was being pressured to donate to her sister. The family (who could afford it) wouldn't pay her travel to the hospital, or care for her after surgery etc etc.

I don't think the OP should be demonized for her very valid concerns. We don't know how her husband's family has treated her in the past, or anything like that as well...

lavenderandpillows · 13/02/2022 20:33

This reply has been deleted

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Aspiringmatriarch · 13/02/2022 20:43

I can genuinely say without a doubt that if any member of my family needed a transplant, every one of us (if healthy enough) would want to donate, if a match. I cannot imagine watching someone I love fading way and actually wanting to prevent them getting lifesaving help, whether from me, my partner or another adult member of the family. Yes there are risks but that's life, nobody chooses to be in this situation. I can't get my head around your attitude tbh, and I don't think I'm particularly saintly or anything. Confused

Aside from that, it's your husband's decision and YA(also)BU to try to control him.

Skilovingmama · 13/02/2022 20:53

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?
Really??? You’d be fine with them not even offering even if they were fit and healthy and without it your DC would die.

YABU and quite selfish actually. Your DH sounds lovely.

gattofantastico · 13/02/2022 20:56

Thank god there are people like your dh in the world

wanttomarryamillionaire · 13/02/2022 20:57

I would absolutely do anything I could to help my niece or nephew in this situation and no I wouldn't feel the need to discuss my decision with anyone!

Dontlooksup · 13/02/2022 21:03

She's his sister. He can offer his organs to her if he wants.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/02/2022 21:09

I get where you are coming from

But it’s his sister’s child. If one of your children needed a kidney and your brother was a match wouldn’t you hope like hell he’d offer?

Of course something awful COULD happen to him in surgery, but it probably won’t. Whereas it sounds like your niece was facing curtains w/out a kidney.

His position is fair enough. But it’s of course understandable how you feel.

autienotnaughty · 13/02/2022 21:10

It's a significant surgery of course he should have discussed it with you.

SD1978 · 13/02/2022 21:10

The offer and testing are very different. I'd probably offer as a spur of the moment thing, but would then discuss it with a partner pre the testing stage- maybe that was his plan? I wouldn't probably think twice about it, and would also offer, but it seems you guys think very differently about living donation- you seem to be a form no, and he's a possible yes. That alone is going to cause you guys some big issues.

WonderfulYou · 13/02/2022 21:31

YABVU
Imagine being so controlling that you try and tell someone what they can and can’t do with their own organs.

LynetteScavo · 13/02/2022 21:48

It would totally be up to DH if he wanted to donate his organs or not.

I would be very scared and not particularly happy about it, but he is totally capable of making this decision for himself. His body, his choice.

katepilar · 13/02/2022 21:53

I think that your worry about your children loosing a father might actually be a fear of you loosing a husband and raising your children alone. Which is obviously understandable.

MacauliflowerCulkin · 13/02/2022 21:54

@Mintyt

So you don't want your husband to donate because of your children and the risks, but you don't mind someone to take the same risk to donate for a stranger. Very sad
This is a really good point too.
sadandcrazy · 13/02/2022 21:56

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

Nobody said she was dying.
They don't do transplants for fun you know.
bevelino · 13/02/2022 21:59

@wanttomarryamillionaire

I would absolutely do anything I could to help my niece or nephew in this situation and no I wouldn't feel the need to discuss my decision with anyone!
This

To the poster who said that it took 3 months for someone they knew to get over the surgery. I know for sure that unless there are complications with the donor it takes nothing like 3 months to get over donating a kidney.

MissMaple82 · 13/02/2022 22:00

He cab do whatever he wants, it's his body, he doesn't need your permission just because you've given birth to his children

SunshineOnKeith · 13/02/2022 22:15

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

Organ donation is absolutely risky. Of course it is.

I don't think I would offer, no because of the risk to my own children's future if something happened to me.

Compared to what @ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp ? Do you drive? Go swimming? Ever climb stairs or other heights?

If so you're likely risking death or serious injury more so than your DH will by donating an organ.

Yes living donation is still relatively uncommon but the risks are minimal - might be worth educating yourself.

SunshineOnKeith · 13/02/2022 22:20

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

So you'd be happy for your dh to donate organs without discussing with you at all? Just telling you.
Did you discuss the risks of you dying in childbirth with your DH before you decided to carry three children @ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp ?
SunshineOnKeith · 13/02/2022 22:25

@BoredZelda

But is tge surgery really such a big risk though? They won't do it if he isn't healthy enough.

Yes, one in 200 live liver donors die. I know this because my husband donated to our son when he was a baby.

So 199 in 200 don’t die. At a risk of death of less that 1%, that isn’t considered risky.

It's actually estimated at 1 person in every 200 (for right lobe donation) or 1 in 500 (for left lobe donation).
MrsSkylerWhite · 13/02/2022 22:30

Yes, he ought to have discussed it with you but ultimately it is his decision.

He would be carefully screened and if the medical team felt he was at risk he would have been rejected. They aren’t in the business of saving one person by killing another.

I would be incredibly proud of husband, if he had done this.