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Original poster

Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

389 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 13/02/2022 16:48

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 13/02/2022 19:40

I’m with your DH.

I’d have to look into it but I am pretty sure the risk to the donor is very low, and minuscule compared to the risk of his (young) niece of not receiving a compatible organ,

MyCatStaresAtMe · 13/02/2022 19:41

His body, his choice.

You can like it or lump it.

Abigail12345654321 · 13/02/2022 19:41

@girlmom21

But they aren’t dickheads.

I’m saying he likely wants to seem generous but hasn’t thought it through.

Many people feel pressured in families to offer to be a donor when they don’t want to be. And if they say no they will be made to feel guilty. So if they can make it easier for everyone by telling the transplant team they don’t actually want to donate, so family is just told they aren’t a suitable donor, what’s the problem?

That doesn’t make them dickheads. Nobody deserves someone else’s organs.

I’m saying Ops husband has probably said he would do it when he has no intention - hence not talking to wife first I didn’t say that makes him a dickhead.

zaffa · 13/02/2022 19:41

@ouch321

I'd be proud. Your attitude is not nice at all.
I agree with this. Although DH doesn't actually have any nieces, he has cousins we are close to with similar aged children to our DD and I love them as much as DH does, so I would probably also offer to be checked as a match
CoastalWave · 13/02/2022 19:43

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

My point is *@WheelieBinPrincess*, what happens if something awful happens to him in surgery? His children lose their father?
What if he gets run over tomorrow crossing the road? Or if he gets into an accident on the motorway? Or just falls down the stairs first thing tomorrow morning?

Life is basically one big risk. I think you need to give your head a wobble. His niece. His organs imo.

TheApexOfMyLife · 13/02/2022 19:45

I’m not sure he realises how far he is from actually be an organ donor.
Even if he matches, he will need to go through counselling to check he has thought about all the pote nation a issue that yes will include the risks associated with the surgery/if he becomes ill himself and the fact he has a young family.

Having said that, I would have expected my DH to have a chat with me before telling anyone about that. It’s too big of decision for him to take wo a word to you.

grapewine · 13/02/2022 19:46

@MsTSwift

Easy to sit behind a key board and virtue signal that your or your Dh would donate without a qualm. Yeah right. We had this in our family.
I'm not virtue signaling. I've had to make the decision in the past but wasn't a match that time. I'm also on the registry.
TheApexOfMyLife · 13/02/2022 19:48

@Chewbecca

I’m with your DH.

I’d have to look into it but I am pretty sure the risk to the donor is very low, and minuscule compared to the risk of his (young) niece of not receiving a compatible organ,

It depends which organ isn’t it?

Eg Yes you can give a kidney and still ver well with just one kidney. The problem is when, for whatever reason, your only kidney start playing up and isn’t working well anymore….

On paper, I fully agree. It’s a very nice to do or family member etc…
In reality, the risks are there and not negligible enough that you can just forget about them. That’s why there is always some in dept counselling before any live donation.

Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 19:50

He couldn't only give away a kidney hypothetically. And only if it's a match. I wouldn't worry too much.

Liverprobs · 13/02/2022 19:52

Honestly until you’ve been through it you can’t really understand the full, true anguish. OP, I hope your dc never get this ill and find themselves in the same position as your niece.

My dd went into liver failure after she had glandular fever, that’s it - something so simple and straightforward. It attacked her liver and she just deteriorated. There is nothing worse than seeing your own child lying there, yellow as fuck, skeletal coz they’ve lost so much weight, sleeping endlessly coz their body is so fatigued, unable to eat coz they’re in too much pain and have no energy.

Anyone who sees that will want to help. I’m sure your dh would have talked it through IF the time came and things moved on. There’s also no doubt in my mind that you would let a relative be a donor if your child was in the same position mine was in.

Give your head a wobble, and try to put yourself in their shoes.

Anonymouslyposting · 13/02/2022 19:54

I think it’s unreasonable to offer without speaking to you but I think you’d probably be unreasonable to say no if it’s what he wants to do after you’ve discussed all the implications. It’s a horrible position to be in but while I wouldn’t want my DH to take the risk I’d be so proud of him for doing so and might actually thing less of him if he didn’t volunteer if it was that or his niece actually died.

That said, I don’t think your DH should be first in the queue. Presumably your niece’s parents will be tested first and they’ll step up if they are a match?

TheApexOfMyLife · 13/02/2022 19:56

I have to say I’m not really sure about all those comments above fact it’s his body, his family etc…

Of course he is always the only one who will decide whether it’s a Yes or No. That’s the whole basis for consent.

It has no relation with the fact that the DH could have spoken to the OP before putting himself on the line. That’s about talking through with your spouse a decision that could well have repercussions let’s in in his life. I’m not talking about the effect of the surgery. It’s a full on abdo surgery and he will take to recover (eg a friend of mine had a kidney out and she was off work for 3 months to recover). But yes that’s short term issue.
What I’m talking about are the risks he s taking with his health.

He might be happy to do so (even though I can imagine awful his niece/sister wouod feel if 10 years down the line he was in real trouble health wise with his only kidney failing).
But that’s something you should talk about with your spouse.

I think people who says ‘it’s obvious! He is a great guy! His body, his choice!’ Havent been in that situation themselves tbh.

Jewel52 · 13/02/2022 19:59

I get why you’re annoyed but I can imagine that your DH just wanted to do all he could to support his family (and they are close family). I guess he thought he’d talk the risks through with you if he was found to be a match. I think his generosity of spirit is an indicator that you married a good’un and I wouldn’t hold it against him, especially as it’s come to nothing. Better to be married to a caring person than a selfish arse.

mumwon · 13/02/2022 20:00

@PurpleDaisies from reading op 's comment dn MAY need transplant which most likely means that have yet to be tested ...

blisstwins · 13/02/2022 20:01

@Daisy4569

Tbh if it was my niece I would offer without consulting my partner. I’m sure he planned to talk to you before he’s assessed and there’d be more conversations if he was a match.

Personally I’d think about what a lovely thing it is to offer and it says a lot about him as a person. Also if one of your children was in the unfortunate position I’m sure you’d deeply appreciate anyone offering the same (probably more so than if they said I’d like to help but will have to consult my partner first).

His instinct was to help his niece and family. So if between offering to be tested and making a donation. I would be proud of him, though I understand your concern.
TheApexOfMyLife · 13/02/2022 20:01

@Liverprobs, actually I’m pretty sure that the OP and her DH can really see how much the niece is struggling.

This, again, doesn’t mean
1- that the DH should or shouldn’t do it
2- that there is a right answer (obviously you should be a donor, whatever the cost to you)
3- that you have the full picture of what’s going on in the family. There might be some very serious reasons why the OP want to protect her DH future health (eg if she has some - potential or not- health issues herself).

Basically, yes live donation is amazing.
Yes it’s totally understandable that one would want to do whatever to help someone close.
This doesn’t mean it’s the right answer for everyone.

SonicStars · 13/02/2022 20:05

No. I would offer my niece my organ and I would be disgusted if my partner tried to tell me what to do with my body - especially when it came to saving a close family members life. You are definitely being unreasonable.

sanbeiji · 13/02/2022 20:07

@TheApexOfMyLife

I have to say I’m not really sure about all those comments above fact it’s his body, his family etc…

Of course he is always the only one who will decide whether it’s a Yes or No. That’s the whole basis for consent.

It has no relation with the fact that the DH could have spoken to the OP before putting himself on the line. That’s about talking through with your spouse a decision that could well have repercussions let’s in in his life. I’m not talking about the effect of the surgery. It’s a full on abdo surgery and he will take to recover (eg a friend of mine had a kidney out and she was off work for 3 months to recover). But yes that’s short term issue.
What I’m talking about are the risks he s taking with his health.

He might be happy to do so (even though I can imagine awful his niece/sister wouod feel if 10 years down the line he was in real trouble health wise with his only kidney failing).
But that’s something you should talk about with your spouse.

I think people who says ‘it’s obvious! He is a great guy! His body, his choice!’ Havent been in that situation themselves tbh.

PP have also missed the part where niece has lots of medical problems. What's the point of donating if it merely prolongs a short life, but doesn't restore her to full health?

Also, wouldn't it be easier to say no at the start.
Than snatching away a chance at health AFTER being a match?

I'd be very angry at my DP, not at his generosity, but the 'whatever you need' is a very cavalier attitude. Liver vs kidney very different for a start, he hasn't really thought it through!

labyrinthlaziness · 13/02/2022 20:10

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?
I would bite my sibling's hand off if they offered something that could save my child's life!
PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2022 20:12

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?

This is written from the very privileged position of not having a child needing a donated organ.

sanbeiji · 13/02/2022 20:13

@PurpleDaisies

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?

This is written from the very privileged position of not having a child needing a donated organ.

Wouldn't you then be more upset if someone went through the process, was a match etc, then decided they didn't want to donate?
PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2022 20:16

Wouldn't you then be more upset if someone went through the process, was a match etc, then decided they didn't want to donate?

No. Perhaps could have been clearer that o would ask family and friends and neighbours and people in the street to consider donating. I would want anyone actually donating to be fully informed about the risks.

MacauliflowerCulkin · 13/02/2022 20:17

YABU

His body his choice

Also - flip it for a second.

Your child is desperately ill and needs a donor.

One of your direct family members wants to offer and then says 'sorry, my husband doesn't want me to do it' errrrrm ok. You'd be devastated. Especially if a match. As much as you deny it. It would break your heart.

Your DH has more chance of dying in a car crash tomorrow.
And I'm really surprised at you saying you wouldn't accept a donor and would 'find another one' (yeah... really that easy)

When it's your child you will take any and very bit of help going. You would be desperately pleading with any god above to help your CHILD.

Your husband sounds like a great guy.
I don't actually understand your risks as I bet you all my life savings, there are far more risks and chances in day to day life (car crash, ran over etc) than helping his niece that needs a transplant.

You should be proud of him.
Not making this about you.

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2022 20:17

Pressed post too soon. I would want anyone donating to have made the choice in possession of all the facts about the procedure and the risks etc. if they chose not to go ahead, I would respect and understand that.

username1293948 · 13/02/2022 20:20

Yabu