Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

Of my husband.

@CinnamonJellyBeans

He probably didn't discuss it with you first in case you tried to stop him saving the life of his sister's child. He clearly knew what you would say.

Agree

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?

Easy to say that when you're not the one in the situation though.

If my child needed an organ and I had a healthy family member willing to donate, of course I would take it. Of course there is risks but they're assessed before being allowed to donate.

If a family member of mine needed an organ, I of course, would have a conversation with my Partner about it. However, I wouldn't be asking permission, I would be making it clear that I will be getting tested to see if I'm a match and if I am and am healthy enough to proceed with the donation then I will be doing it regardless of what he says.

Honestly, you sound a bit cold. I do wonder if you would feel the same if it was your family (as I said above, it's easy to say you definitely wouldn't until it's you going through it).

Can you really not understand why he's offered to get tested?

I would find another donor

It really isn't that simple. Do you know how many people die while waiting for organs?

@SunshineOnKeith I'm glad someone has said this, I was thinking it. Surely the OP put her first and then second child at risk of losing a parent through choosing to have the second and then the third.

Dying during pregnancy and birth is thankfully very rare (as is dying after organ donation) but is a valid risk that I'm surprised our extremely risk-averse OP didn't consider.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?

Even if it meant saving your own child’s life? Really?

Initially was going to agree with you that he should have spoken to you but after reading some of your responses on here I see now why he didn't talk you first.

I agree I would have discussed this with my OH but the OP does not want a discussion, she clearly does not think he should. Therefore, it isn’t even a discussion.

Interesting thread. I can see both sides. I wonder if people who are declaring that they wouldn't hesitate to donate would actually do so if they found themselves in this situation. Perhaps I'm selfish but I don't think I would donate (or want my DH to donate), I wouldn't be anxious about the procedure itself but more the possibility of getting ill in future, and suffering more as a result of having donated, or worse still, one of our children needing an organ and not being able to donate to them. I think I would probably want to explore whether DH and I could get tested to see if we matched with our children (for possible future donations if needed) and that would inform my decision. I would certainly want to help a nephew/niece but I wouldn't want to make any promises without carefully considering what could happen in future and how I would feel.

Sorry about your niece, OP, and to the PPs who have children who need (or did need) organ donations

You sound incredibly misinformed and a bit selfish to be honest. I understand that you feel he should have discussed it with you before offering but for me it would be a no brainer, I'd also offer my own organs as well as being proud he had offered his

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I would find another donor.

It's not a matter of preferring someone else died.

It's about understanding that other parents have responsibilities to their own children's well-being.

Yes because finding a donor is that easy. This is either really really nieve or you're not willing to admit what you are potentially wanting your DH to do, which could be let his neice die. There isn't always another option, there are waiting lists and if the situation is bad enough that she goes to the top of the list it will mean she'll need a transplant urgently. If she can't find a match they will look at everyone who is willing to donate, family, friends of the family.

Saying you'd want them to exhaust ever other option before asking DH could be a fair enough compromise. Expecting him not to donate if they can't find a match and his neice's
life is in danger really isn't.

I don't believe you would let your child die instead of asking family members with DC if they'd be willing to consider donating. You're hedging around it but that's actually what you're saying, that he should let his neice die if things get that bad, because you'd never ask someone with young DC to donate.

@lonelySam

I would offer an organ to my niece and I would divorce my partner if they opposed it.

100% this

@SexPeopleLynn

Having received a kidney transplant from a living donor I can understand your upset that he didn't discuss it with your first

BUT it may be worth you doing some reading on this as you do seem to be worried on perhaps outdated information

They don't even test for matches unless the donor was amazingly healthy. It's normally done by keyhole. The donor has check ups for life afterwards

And as for finding another donor elsewhere...I think she would be very lucky indeed!

Live transplanted organs have a MUCH better life span than those from deceased donors and family members are more likely matched. But even then it is rare to find a good one. My brother, cousins and father weren't a match to me but a random (and very good) friend was.

I think it's honourable he's offered.

Another kidney recipient here!!

The risks of donation are minuscule given the intense testing beforehand. If there is any risk to the donor the surgeon wouldn't go ahead.

My donor was my mum (she was 50 at the time). My initial reaction was that I wouldn't accept a kidney from her as I didn't want to put her at risk. It was only after a lot of education from the medical professionals and seeing how well checked over she was that I agreed.

15 years later and both my mum & I are really healthy (touch wood). Her kidney function has remained excellent throughout and she's had no health issues relating to that whatsoever

Do you know how many people die while waiting for organs

Hundreds every year, the reason why is so important to be an organ donor in your living will. It's also the reason why people should think very carefully about donating an organ.

OP, most people on this thread know little or nothing about organ donation except what's on the news - a liver can regenarate and you can live with one kidney. Unfortunately this is a very simplistic line from people who have no idea about the risks to their health the donor can face.

Starting with the surgery. It is more risky and recovery takes longer for the donor than the recipient. If your husband is donating a kidney, doctors will advise to stop any kind of contact sport or work that because of injury can lead to the loss of the other kidney.

Then there is the fact that the kidney function may never again be back to normal depending on the physical condition of your husband. While the kidney will enlarge and try to compensate the loss of the other kidney, things like a viral infection, diabetes or simply age will affect the kidney function and he may end up in a few years needing dialysis himself.

There is also the issue of what is the reason for your niece needing a transplant. Is it a genetic condition that your children may be affected by in the future?

I think your husband was foolish to offer without knowing the implications and risks for himself and his children. He probably did it because he wants the best for his niece and wants to help. You need to gather all the information available on the net and make an appointment with your GP to talk about the issue. Trust me, the moment the transplant team puts him in the assessment list, the risks are going to become very real for him, the transplant team will be brutal, they won't pull any punches as the risks he will be taking on.

It was kind of him to offer but yes he should've discussed it with you first. I don't know the risks involved but if there is then he should put his own children first imo.

Lovely uncle! Be proud of him!

He should definitely have discussed it with you but I do understand why he would want to be a donor. I don't know how risky the operation is or the consequences to his health though

@ouch321

I'd be proud. Your attitude is not nice at all.

I agree with this. It would go without saying in my family that any of us would donate an organ to help another. There would be no need to discuss it. The way you are talking about this situation is not nice at all.

I would be proud of my dh if he offered to donate his organs to his or my family. At this moment of time, I would also be happy with him offering to two friends.

Your are scared/ concerned for your dh health and that is understandable.

Seems the OP’s not coming back - guess she’s realised she’s in the minority and doesn’t want any further backlash.

OP I hope your dc never get this ill. You won’t accept a donation from family, why would you then accept a donation from a stranger? They have families and risks too. Double standards OP. You clearly don’t see or understand the suffering.

Like I said up thread, your dh would no doubt discuss it with you if things progressed, conversations in general, between families going through this trauma are just words out loud to begin with. However, my main thing I bring away from this is your unwilling help towards others, yet you’d be happy to accept that help from strangers if it were your own dc. Strangers have lives and families too. Again, double standards. I’m 100% certain you would not sit and watch your own child suffer and die.

For some reason everyone’s happily skipped over the fact that niece has lots of medical problems.

Donation might not actually save her anyway. Anyway OP has gone thanks to the backlash.. instead of defending herself. Good luck OP

@sanbeiji

For some reason everyone’s happily skipped over the fact that niece has lots of medical problems.

Donation might not actually save her anyway. Anyway OP has gone thanks to the backlash.. instead of defending herself. Good luck OP

I think people have assumed the only way a transplant actually goes ahead is if there’s a reasonable chance of success.

@sanbeiji

For some reason everyone’s happily skipped over the fact that niece has lots of medical problems.

Donation might not actually save her anyway. Anyway OP has gone thanks to the backlash.. instead of defending herself. Good luck OP

Oh that's ok then - let's let her die because it might not cure her. It doesn't matter that it could give her another 20 years 🤷‍♀️

The donor has check ups for life afterwards

Why do you think a donor has to have check ups 3 to 4 times a year with bloods taken yearly by a nephrologhist (kidney specialist) or liver specialist for life?

They are looking for loss of organ function. Specially with kidneys that unlike liver can't regenerate, they are looking for creatinine levels mostly, they know many donors will lose kidney function in time.

My nephew had a kidney transplant 4 years ago, fortunately it was in Spain where the default for organ donation is that all healthy organs are harvested unless specific instructions to the contrary and transplants are usually available in less than a year depending on urgency, in his case just 4 months and he's severely disabled.

This is a major health decision with unpredictable results for the health of the donor and should be fully discussed with their spouse as it can seriously affect them later on specially if they have children.

Oh that's ok then - let's let her die because it might not cure her. It doesn't matter that it could give her another 20 years

This is the kind of populist Mumsnet posts why people like the OP will not come back.

First, a person needing a kidney transplant can go on peritoneal dialisys for years while leading an almost normal life until a donor is found. In the UK like in most countries in the EU, Australia and Canada roughly is 4 years if you are an O blood type. If you are A, B or an AB an organ will be found within a year. Most people who die waiting for an organ are waiting for lungs and hearts. Rarely kidney and liver and even more rarely if you are 19 y.o. as the OP's niece.

No wonder people don't come back with genuine concerns when they receive this type of crap answers.

@Alondra

Oh that's ok then - let's let her die because it might not cure her. It doesn't matter that it could give her another 20 years

This is the kind of populist Mumsnet posts why people like the OP will not come back.

First, a person needing a kidney transplant can go on peritoneal dialisys for years while leading an almost normal life until a donor is found. In the UK like in most countries in the EU, Australia and Canada roughly is 4 years if you are an O blood type. If you are A, B or an AB an organ will be found within a year. Most people who die waiting for an organ are waiting for lungs and hearts. Rarely kidney and liver and even more rarely if you are 19 y.o. as the OP's niece.

No wonder people don't come back with genuine concerns when they receive this type of crap answers.

Firstly, that response was not to the Op and was to an equally ridiculous poster.

Secondly, the OP came back repeatedly to argue about why she's right and she's still wrong.