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Original poster

Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

389 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 13/02/2022 16:48

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

OP posts:
AllOfUsAreDead · 14/02/2022 09:49

[quote ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]@whatnumber wrong again.

I wouldn't take an organ from a family member who had their own children. They have responsibility to their own children.

What if the family members got ill or died and their children were left without a parent? Because of my family?

And organ donation is complex, serious procedure. No catastrophising at all. It's not simple. [/quote]
It is complex, but the doctors wouldn't use your husband if they felt he wasn't 100% able to give up an organ like a kidney.

Liver is different, they'll only take some of it and the rest that's left will recreate his liver again, so he won't be losing it anyway.

I know how you feel, but really he's offered a good thing here. If he is fine enough to give up an organ based on doctors opinions, then the likelihood is small that he will have any issues after.

Alondra · 14/02/2022 10:05

Secondly, the OP came back repeatedly to argue about why she's right and she's still wrong

The OP is not wrong. She is right her husband should have spoken to her - it's a major health decision affecting him and their marriage. That's what marriage is about - you talk the small stuff and specially the big issues that can affect the present and future health of one partner like donating an organ.

We still don't know why her niece may need an organ. We don't know if it's a genetic condition but to dismiss her concerns is doing no one a favour specially her husband.

I

girlmom21 · 14/02/2022 10:10

@Alondra he hasn't even been tested yet. Why does she get a say?

Alondra · 14/02/2022 10:22

[quote girlmom21]@Alondra he hasn't even been tested yet. Why does she get a say? [/quote]
Because he's married to her and has a commitment to their marriage and children. This is a major issue - would you like your husband to make an appointment to have a vasectomy without discussing it with you? Or to have a test for HIV without telling you why as I read in another post not long ago?

This is even more serious. He should be discussing with his wife the donation of one of his organs and how it may impact their family in the short and long term. Good grief, this is what marriage is about, you discuss serious issues with your spouse.

Goooglebox · 14/02/2022 10:23

I wouldn't mark him down for this.

girlmom21 · 14/02/2022 10:26

@Alondra I'd expect him to say "I'm having a vasectomy on x date, can you book the day off to take me" because we've spoken about it.

I'd expect him to say "I'm getting tested to be a kidney donor for DN"

I'd expect him to say "I got the results from a HIV test I did today..."

I wouldn't expect him to ask for permission.

DropYourSword · 14/02/2022 10:30

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

Organ donation is absolutely risky. Of course it is.

I don't think I would offer, no because of the risk to my own children's future if something happened to me.

Imagine one of those children needed an organ though. That's the reality the parents of your niece are going through.
Alondra · 14/02/2022 10:31

[quote girlmom21]@Alondra I'd expect him to say "I'm having a vasectomy on x date, can you book the day off to take me" because we've spoken about it.

I'd expect him to say "I'm getting tested to be a kidney donor for DN"

I'd expect him to say "I got the results from a HIV test I did today..."

I wouldn't expect him to ask for permission. [/quote]
I'm having a vasectomy on x date, can you book the day off to take me because we've spoken about it

Funny how you think your husband having a vasectomy is something you spoke about it before but the OP's husband offering one of his organs to his sister is not something he should talk with his wife.

Alondra · 14/02/2022 10:35

Imagine one of those children needed an organ though.
That's the reality the parents of your niece are going throu

Children donation (peadiatrics) is a different ball game in organ donation. The OP's niece is not a child, she's an adult.

girlmom21 · 14/02/2022 10:38

@Alondra he should tell her once he's been tested and been told he's a match. He still shouldn't have to ask for permission.

Fuuuuuckit · 14/02/2022 10:41

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?
Yes you would. Until you have found yourself in the position where your precious child is so poorly they literally need a piece of someone else's body, you cannot possibly claim you'd never ask your own siblings. I'd EXPECT my siblings to offer to donate.

YABVVVVU

sanbeiji · 14/02/2022 10:42

@Alondra

Secondly, the OP came back repeatedly to argue about why she's right and she's still wrong

The OP is not wrong. She is right her husband should have spoken to her - it's a major health decision affecting him and their marriage. That's what marriage is about - you talk the small stuff and specially the big issues that can affect the present and future health of one partner like donating an organ.

We still don't know why her niece may need an organ. We don't know if it's a genetic condition but to dismiss her concerns is doing no one a favour specially her husband.

I

lol exactly Also all the people ‘I wouldn’t be asking for permission, I’d just divorce him’ etc etc. Great! So they’ll organise their own care after surgery, and deal with the loss of income while recuperating, also happy to pay maintainance and split care of their kids etc etc.

I have no issue with the donation or whatever. In fact I would donate to one of my own nieces.

What I have issue with is the doe-eyes naïveté thats sadly becoming more and more prevalent on MN. People are either devils or angels with no in-between.
@girlmom21 a prime example of this extremism.

Life isn’t black and white, I was only pointing out reasons why OP was wary. You’re the one who extrapolated to ‘oooh let’s just leave her to die then’.

sanbeiji · 14/02/2022 10:43

*might be

DropYourSword · 14/02/2022 10:43

@Alondra

*Imagine one of those children needed an organ though. That's the reality the parents of your niece are going throu*

Children donation (peadiatrics) is a different ball game in organ donation. The OP's niece is not a child, she's an adult.

Eh?? Your children still remain your children even when they're adults!!
Alondra · 14/02/2022 10:46

[quote girlmom21]@Alondra he should tell her once he's been tested and been told he's a match. He still shouldn't have to ask for permission. [/quote]
You are going about this the wrong way. It's not about permission, it's about a frank discussion with your partner of a major health issue that has the potential to impact the whole family.

Just as you would discuss with your husband a vasectomy before he makes an appointment, the OP would like to discuss her husband's a possible organ donation before he goes into the list assessment and the medical procedures and seminars start.

Alondra · 14/02/2022 10:48

Your children still remain your children even when they're adults

Not for organ donation. Children, under 18 y.o. in most countries, are top of the priority list in organ transplants.

DemBonesDemBones · 14/02/2022 10:58

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

@StopFeckingFaffing how are organ donors normally found?

Relatives aren't always a match. It's not a given.

Well quite often they're not found, and people die. I don't think I've ever seen such a selfish attitude in my time on mumsnet.

girlmom21 · 14/02/2022 10:59

@Alondra

Your children still remain your children even when they're adults

Not for organ donation. Children, under 18 y.o. in most countries, are top of the priority list in organ transplants.

They're not talking about how or when they get an organ. They're talking about how you'd feel if your child was unwell enough to need a transplant.
Alondra · 14/02/2022 10:59

One thing that the last post about children has reminded me about disabled people getting a transplant...

In the EEUU disabled people can't receive a cadaver transplant. The only way they can receive it is by live transplant or going a list which matches strangers exchanging organs on match.

My nephew is lucky he was born in Spain and his disability didn't automatically discriminate him from receiving an organ. In Australia is a mix match, some States do not allowed intellectually disabled people to go on the organ waiting list, while some, like NSW, do.

This is how complicated the issue of organ donation is for those who are looking at it from the outside.

Alondra · 14/02/2022 11:09

They're not talking about how or when they get an organ. They're talking about how you'd feel if your child was unwell enough to need a transplant

I would go to hell and back to get him the organ he needs. But in this complex issue there are two sides.

From my side, I would expect my sons and husband to offer but I would not accept. My youngest child (16) is immunosuppressed and would not accept the possibility of putting their health at risk in the future. If I needed it a transplant I return to Spain immediately and go on a waiting list.

DropYourSword · 14/02/2022 11:16

@Alondra

Your children still remain your children even when they're adults

Not for organ donation. Children, under 18 y.o. in most countries, are top of the priority list in organ transplants.

I think you've entirely missed the point of what I'm saying!!
beachcitygirl · 14/02/2022 11:24

Yabu

I would absolutely do this for my nieces or nephew & it's none of my dp business. My body my choice

Alondra · 14/02/2022 11:25

I think you've entirely missed the point of what I'm saying!!

I haven't. I've said I would go to hell and back to try to get the organ for my child but this issue is very emotional and the reason why parents are the majority of live donors.

This has nothing to do with the OP original post though - 1st, she is not the parent and 2nd, she only wanted her husband to discuss such major heath issue with her.

DropYourSword · 14/02/2022 11:32

This has nothing to do with the OP original post though - 1st, she is not the parent

Which was the entire point of my post. I asked her to imagine if she was the parent. Nothing more. You took it off on a bit of a strange tangent!

WhatEvenHappened44 · 14/02/2022 11:40

OP you don't get to ban him from donating an organ to a family member. He gets to decide what he does with his own body.

He sounds like a lovely selfless man