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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to finish this don't I?

257 replies

sleepspray · 13/02/2022 15:11

I was away with my partner of 18 months for the weekend. We had a wonderful weekend until we got locked out of our guest house so despite many attempts to get in contact with the owner, we had to sleep in the car.
We were both annoyed but he was particularly upset. He spoke to me like shit.Didn't really care that I was really cold and generally mean.
When we finally got into the building, he was so rude to the lady who was very upset that this had happened and was very apologetic. She offered us breakfast and the room for an extended period.
He flounced off to the room, packed his stuff and met me at the doorway.
When I asked him where he was going ... he simply said' home' and left. We don't live together. He's 46 btw.
So he left ..
Do I leave him for this?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/02/2022 21:51

@tara66

He probably had a hang over too which did not improve his mood if he drank too much to drive for 10 mins to his home. He must have been really drunk as would have surely been very familiar with the road, traffic and the area at that time of the night, I think I would just have chanced the drive for 10 mins. and gone very slowly. Unless he's lucky enough to have very vigilant police there which is not likely!
You'd 'chance' drink driving for ten minutes?

Fucking hell. As someone who had their life ruined and permanently changed by a drink driver, please reassess the unbelievable selfishness of thinking that way.

thingymaboob · 15/02/2022 00:07

@youvegottenminuteslynn I know, right? I've seen some pretty shocking advice on Mumsnet but advising drink driving as a solution is the lowest of the low

EKGEMS · 15/02/2022 00:53

I really think anyone in a relationship beyond five minutes need to do the following-see how the other half treat service staff, respond in an emergency and/or disrupted plans, see how they treat animals, travel with them-there's nothing like going away together to really see someone for who they are!!!

Original poster
sleepspray · 15/02/2022 09:26

The thing is that we've had many times together where he has been nothing but kind and respectful to all service staff and there have been no issues when travelling. He adores animals. This was an absolute shock to me and so out of character but he certainly has bolted on more than one occasion.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 15/02/2022 09:39

Surely there are two issues here.

You haven’t elaborated as to exactly what he said to you which you feel was his speaking to you like shit so it’s not really possible for anyone to comment on that.

In terms of the guest house woman, being shouted at was no more than she deserved. Locking your guests out overnight to the extent that they have to sleep in their car is shocking behaviour and not only would I have blasted her for it but I would then have put a shockingly bad review on tripadviser telling people not to stay there. There’s speaking to staff like shit as a matter of course and then there’s making your feelings known when they are clearly the ones in the wrong.

presumably if you’d not both been drinking you would have driven back to his house anyway and wouldn’t have gone back until the next day to get your stuff and leave anyway.

obviously you had different ideas as to what to do, but he wasn’t wrong for wanting to leave then and there and you weren’t wrong for wanting to stay. neither of you was wrong, and if you didn’t want to go with him he wasn’t obliged to stay with you. Iyswim.

Original poster
sleepspray · 15/02/2022 09:49

He didn't shout at her, he was grunting...no, no, no to every suggestion she made to make amends.
He was very angry in general@AlternativePerspective. He was quiet, seething and uncommunicative for the most part but generally, not kind or nice to me. It was not my fault but It felt like he was blaming me. He was uncaring basically.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 15/02/2022 10:54

So he didn’t shout. He responded “no” to every suggestion, given he’d been locked out all night IMO nothing but at least a full refund would have been good enough, so he was perfectly within his rights to be fuming.

Added to which he spent the night in his car instead of being able to stay in the accommodation he’d paid for.

Nope sorry, don’t think he did anything wrong there.

Again, not sure what he said to you, but when you told him you didn’t want to see him again and he has respected that by saying he would drop off your stuff while you’re not there, I’m not entirely sure what he’s done wrong here.

Original poster
sleepspray · 15/02/2022 11:20

He packed up and walked out the door passed me once we got to the room.

OP posts:
MidLifeResurgence74 · 15/02/2022 14:24

@irishoak

The way you describe him reminds me a lot of my ex. I felt that I had to manage every situation so that nothing went wrong and excuse everything he did away, so nothing got him angry. It was impossible of course, and not long before the anger and rage turned on me.
I came here to say this. I travelled for the first time many moons ago with a new partner. His temper was ferocious when things went wrong (small things) and sadly I only saw it once we were 10000 miles away from home. I didn't leave. Two months and many many episodes of his fury later, and a black eye, he was arrested at my house.

Please be careful OP. How someone responds under pressure is really a good indicator of who they really are.

RantyAunty · 15/02/2022 15:19

Glad you've ended it.
He's far too old to be acting that way.
People get angry and upset but normal people can control it.

HaggisBurger · 17/02/2022 16:08

How are you doing OP. I hope youre ok.

Sunseasun · 19/02/2022 11:54

Hope you’re ok op too

Original poster
sleepspray · 19/02/2022 13:44

Thanks for checking in.
I'm not good tbh.there have been texts and I've lashed out verbally.I've expected a personal apology but have got one by text which I didn't feel was enough.
I want to talk to him and help me figure out what happened, what went wrong.
He doesn't think there's anything left to say.
They say there's no such thing as closure but for me , I need it to draw a line under this and move on. I can't bear to see him on social media and don't trust myself not to contact him so I need to ask him to block me too. I'm desperately sad and disappointed and can't see a way forward while in this limbo land.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 19/02/2022 14:25

OP do you want to witness this kind of blow-up again? Worse, do you want to be aware in the back of your mind that a blow up like this might be coming, and start to feel you have to fend it off somehow? Do you want to share your life with a loose cannon, in other words.

Would you ever really be able to relax, for fear of things going wrong and "setting him off"? Would you want to give yourself over to a life where being treated well was contingent on things going smoothly - things that you have no control over?

It wouldn't be for me.

candycane222 · 19/02/2022 14:28

I do think he's right though that there's nothing left to say. I'm not sure where you get this idea of instant closure from, but I think it onyky happens in stories , and I never find it convincing. Leave the wound in peace to "close" in its own time, while you get on with other things

Original poster
sleepspray · 19/02/2022 14:37

I know you're roght@candycane222 but I feel really low today and sad it's over.
I know I deserve better but I guess I just wanted us to finish by talking. Texting is an awful way to finish up. So much left
Unsaid

OP posts:
takeanotherchillpill · 19/02/2022 14:44

Perhaps the way forward is to 'draw your own line'?

Why can't you take control... ? Block/delete/remove everything everywhere.

You will feel better if you own your decisions and take the appropriate actions and feel free to move forward.

Original poster
sleepspray · 19/02/2022 14:53

I suppose I can't believe that it's over.

OP posts:
FluteSongs · 19/02/2022 15:08

Holidays can tell you more about people than anything.

Being in effect abandoned on holiday is a horrible feeling (I know).

Sorry you’re feeling so rubbish OP.

FluteSongs · 19/02/2022 15:14

What Candycane says about taking your time and giving yourself some downtime so true. A couple of duvet days and long sleeps to start maybe …

pictish · 19/02/2022 15:14

There’s nothing left unsaid really. What you want and hope he will ‘say’ is that he’s completely devastated by the loss of the relationship and that he’s been a fool to behave in such a way as to cause it. You want him to beg for a second chance because really, you want to give him one.

I’m telling you now. What you witnessed is how he will be. He isn’t begging or devastated because he thinks it’s fine. He doesn’t have the appropriate depth of feeling for you to make it work. That’s why you’re low. Thing is, he probably wouldn’t cultivate that depth for anyone else either. Selfish and callous people tend to be exactly that.

You don’t need closure.

Mummytobe93 · 19/02/2022 15:21

It’s ok to be in disbelief but it will get better, you need to find someone who responds to stressful situations in a similar way to you OP, not leaves you to it. You deserve respect and don’t settle for anything less!

I’ve had similar experience with my ex( 20 years my senior) it’s just we were abroad and he gave me silent treatment for putting our lives in danger by dangerous driving apparently. I did my best but the condition were horrific (rainy night, Portuguese motorway). We got to our destination and he lashed out at me and then didn’t speak to me for few hours. We swapped driving seats and spent 3 hrs in silence.

We got to another destination and I broke down in tears, I was hurt by his unfair accusations (why would I put our lives at risk?) and his (lack of) reaction! I expected him to be grateful for me taking over driving in the night. Instead I was told off and he shut down. He’d happily remain silent for the rest of the day probably. Stone cold. So there I was, in the middle of Lisbon crying my eyes out! Such a beautiful city but I didn’t enjoy it one bit.

After seeing me crying he gave me a hug and then bought me a coffee and told me not to get upset… Never addressed his passive aggressive behaviour, I was the one being unreasonable & overreacting apparently.

I wish I broke up with him as soon as we got back, but I didn’t until over 12 months later when I realised he doesn’t care about me (there was whole lot of other examples but I won’t go into them now…)

When we had our final conversation he admitted that he never felt “fireworks” for me “the same way he felt it for his ex” but since I’ve got “many good qualities” he wanted to carry on…

Long story short, apart from the first 3 months of
our relationship, he didn’t care about me in a romantic sense, he wasn’t in love, and I was just a replacement of his ex.

Trust me, you’re better than this @sleepspray 💐 Now I’m with someone who literally puts me above himself, if I’m unhappy he tries his best to change it and vice versa.

myothercarisaskoda · 19/02/2022 16:40

I think you did the right thing in finishing it in the first place. I think you're just frustrated (and rightly so) that he's not apologised properly and taken ownership of the fault. I don't think you'd be wise to chase him and stay in contact. I think he's shown you who he is, better to find out now. X

myothercarisaskoda · 19/02/2022 16:42

Sometimes difficult to rationalise when you're in the middle of it all and you liked him so much.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 19/02/2022 18:28

It's only been a week. Less than a week, in fact. Give it another couple of weeks to start feeling a bit better again.