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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to finish this don't I?

257 replies

sleepspray · 13/02/2022 15:11

I was away with my partner of 18 months for the weekend. We had a wonderful weekend until we got locked out of our guest house so despite many attempts to get in contact with the owner, we had to sleep in the car.
We were both annoyed but he was particularly upset. He spoke to me like shit.Didn't really care that I was really cold and generally mean.
When we finally got into the building, he was so rude to the lady who was very upset that this had happened and was very apologetic. She offered us breakfast and the room for an extended period.
He flounced off to the room, packed his stuff and met me at the doorway.
When I asked him where he was going ... he simply said' home' and left. We don't live together. He's 46 btw.
So he left ..
Do I leave him for this?

OP posts:
2022newyrnewme · 14/02/2022 10:00

@pictish totally agree and have have dealt with a similar behaviour. These men are worryingly on a bad track because as you’ve said OP he can’t see he’s done anything wrong. I would suspect the apology is because you haven’t had a go at him/left him be and he’s worrying..I’ve had the same..once he knows you’ll accept his apology he knows what he can push his luck on..like I said it usually gets worse

Lemonweightloss · 14/02/2022 10:08

So he's now calmed down, probably had a good sleep and something to eat, and has issued an apology. In the meantime, you've been upset, disappointed and angry. But it's ok cos he's deeply sorry. No, it's not OK.
As much as it would hurt ( and I know you've invested 18 months and up til this, it's been happy and healthy), I would end it. Tell him you can't get past it and wish him well for the future.
He's a tool.

irishoak · 14/02/2022 10:31

The way you describe him reminds me a lot of my ex. I felt that I had to manage every situation so that nothing went wrong and excuse everything he did away, so nothing got him angry. It was impossible of course, and not long before the anger and rage turned on me.

totallyoutnumbered · 14/02/2022 10:50

@sleepspray

He has now text to apologise and say he understands why I feel let down, hurt and upset , that he is ashamed of the way he handled it all and that he is deeply sorry
Well that's a swift turn around. His natural and automatic response and until 5 mins ago was anger and petulance. What's your instinct telling you?
Original poster
sleepspray · 14/02/2022 10:55

He knows he's lost me

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/02/2022 11:34

@NandorTheRelentlessCleaner

So odd that you slept in your cars Grin

Much better to walk 30 mins, even in a storm, and then get a proper night's sleep! In a bed!

He wouldn't!

So what should the OP have done?

Lemonweightloss · 14/02/2022 11:39

@sleepspray, hope you're ok. I can feel how upset you are. You're bound to be. It wasn't the best weekend.
You don't even have to do anything or say anything to him yet. Do what you want in your own time. He left you stewing for long enough. See how he likes it.

Original poster
sleepspray · 14/02/2022 12:10

I feel angry now.
He is very remorseful but I don't have it in me to forgive him as I know that this type of thing is the tip of the iceberg.
In his apology he admitted to not thinking about me at all, he just wanted to get out of there fast.
At least he admitted not giving a shit about me. No room for grey area or analysis here.

OP posts:
Alrightqueenie · 14/02/2022 12:19

Well done for sticking to your guns and having zero tolerance for this type of shit. Onwards and upwards op, you deserve better.

pictish · 14/02/2022 12:47

I don’t buy the remorse…but I am cynical of such apologies.
Assuming this man is well into adulthood now, I’m wondering where ‘deeply ashamed’ has come from? It’s not like he took himself by surprise is it? This incident went on for hours. He threw himself into a rage and felt entitled to crush you to indulge it. He knew what he was doing over the course of the night and the following morning.
This will happen again.

pictish · 14/02/2022 12:54

If you accept his apology and put faith in his remorse he’ll know he can be callous to you.

Original poster
sleepspray · 14/02/2022 13:13

That's what's so shitty.
We teach them how to treat us

OP posts:
pictish · 14/02/2022 13:21

Well no…I’d say they are experts at exploiting any and every chink. Taking others in good faith is not a flaw. We judge others by our own standards after all. If someone uses that to your detriment and their gain that’s their fault.

Back21970 · 14/02/2022 13:23

Sorry it was such a disappointing end to what should have been a lovely weekend. His behaviour was unacceptable but if he shows he is truly sorry and you feel like giving him another chance when things cool down then don’t be hard on yourself for doing so - I’m ashamed to say I’m not good in a crisis- once me and my partner missed a flight and I remember being a moody cow for hours after as I was so pissed off! Looking back it was childish and unacceptable, feel ashamed even thinking about it now actually! We can all be idiots sometimes X

nothingmorethanthis · 14/02/2022 13:23

You are completely right to end this.

I admire your wisdom for seeing this so clearly.

Back21970 · 14/02/2022 13:25

Not sticking up for him BTW! Sounds horrible experience for you, hope you ok X

peoniesarejustperfect · 14/02/2022 15:11

Hey OP. Just checking in. Hope you are feeling much better today.

Original poster
sleepspray · 14/02/2022 15:38

Thanks. I'm feeling furious now that he's admitted not to have even thought about me at that time. He could only think of getting away

OP posts:
SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 14/02/2022 16:30

I hope you got your work stuff back.

Cherrysoup · 14/02/2022 16:43

I know you feel your hopes and dreams have been shattered, but surely better now to finish it rather than in a few years when it would be so much harder. 😢

Original poster
sleepspray · 14/02/2022 17:07

I'm trying to get round that this man has been married and has had a series of
Long term partners in his life ... and is a father. And behaves like this.
I'm sure my work stuff is there.
I'm still at work.

OP posts:
sassbott · 14/02/2022 17:26

No, he didn’t think about you, people like this don’t. They are all about themselves, their discomfort and (upon being on the receiving end of sub par treatment), have reactions that to most of us are completely disproportionate.

Yes we all have moments we are not proud of. Absolutely. But this is not isolated and by your own admission is part of a wider pattern of behaviour where he behaves poorly, disappears and then returns expecting normality.

I’m sadly with the others posters here who are of the opinion you’ve seen the real him. Also, you don’t teach him how to treat you, this behaviour is in him (ingrained thinking patterns). What you do is teach him what he can get away with. This time he’s verbally abused someone, walked off and effectively taken a step that clearly ruined a lovely day out was planned.

If you take him back, sadly he now knows what he can get away with and this is how behaviour like this escalates.

Took me many attempts and professional counselling to leave my exp (who displayed all the signs you are talking about). My friends / he all minimised the one off incidents. So I gave him more and more chances. Now knowing what I know? I’m your shoes I would end this relationship in a heartbeat.

He won’t make it easy and he will grovel more from his current apology, including another weekend to make up for it.

LizzieSiddal · 14/02/2022 18:05

Sorry it’s ended like this, but I do think you’re doing the right thing.

If you feel like giving him some advice, I’d advice him to go and get some therapy. You said you have a great relationship apart from when something goes wrong for him. His behaviour is terrible, but it sounds like he needs to find out why he behaves like this when he can be a lovely supportive person when he isn’t having a hard time.

Original poster
sleepspray · 14/02/2022 18:37

It's a pity really. It's how he reacts to stress and that's no good to me.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 14/02/2022 19:47

What a shame! He really blew it. Showed you how selfish he could be.

This happened to us on our wedding night. The hotel locked us out of our room and we couldn’t wake anyone up to let us in. We ended up getting a lift home. At the time I was exhausted and my feet were killing, so I was a bit grumpy for ten minutes, but I’d never have stormed off! The incident is something we laughed about for years afterwards.