I need to finish this don't I?

[sleepspray]

I was away with my partner of 18 months for the weekend. We had a wonderful weekend until we got locked out of our guest house so despite many attempts to get in contact with the owner, we had to sleep in the car.
We were both annoyed but he was particularly upset. He spoke to me like shit.Didn't really care that I was really cold and generally mean.
When we finally got into the building, he was so rude to the lady who was very upset that this had happened and was very apologetic. She offered us breakfast and the room for an extended period.
He flounced off to the room, packed his stuff and met me at the doorway.
When I asked him where he was going ... he simply said' home' and left. We don't live together. He's 46 btw.
So he left ..
Do I leave him for this?

'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time'.

As experiences go, this wasn't an enjoyable way to spend the night but it wasn't your fault OP. My concern is how he will react in the future towards you when he faces another crisis that is out of his and your control.

@sleepspray do many of us who the trod this path have been where you are and can see this behaviour for what it is.

It’s heartbreaking. It’s bewildering and it’s disorientating in the extreme. You haven’t had an apology or and explanation because at the core he believes there is absolutely nothing wrong in his conduct. He was hugely inconvenienced and that in itself was a huge insult to him/ his ego. That’s all that mattered in the moment and he expects you to understand that.

For those of us who went through the washing machine cycles of dealing with an individual like this, we can see the warning signs for what it is. A narcissistic individual.

You will never get closure from a person like this. Nor a healthy ending. You’re devastated now and he (bluntly) wants that. I predict you will hear from him within the next week and with that will come an attempt for things to return to normal without ever having addressed what happened.

Be careful. This is when he has notched up how badly he can treat you only for you to return (read cycles of devaluation). It subtly ramps from here such that you then begin to normalise their behaviour.

He’s a nasty sinister specimen.
He can’t even make the effort or respect you enough to finish this properly in person to give you closure.
Fuck those that fuck you @sleepspray
Do Not Contact Him (if you do, you will hate yourself)

Btw, you sound really nice, don’t settle for him - you could do so much better. All it takes is a little bit of faith and self respect in yourself.
This will hurt but you Will get through it x

The fact you got locked out the guest house is awful and he was right to be fuming anyone would be.

Thanks to you all. I've taken
Many screen shots of Your responses because they will help me when I feel
Weak and there were so many, thank you.
I've since blocked him everywhere. I needed to take my power back and draw my own line as one pp advised.

I gave him an opportunity to explain but he continued to leave me hanging for hours, showing utter contempt and disrespect for me. As a pp also stated, his behaviour was sinister and a nasty side to him that I hadn't seen before.

Also he had a big occasion that o would have normally been invited to this weekend.
Knowing his past behaviour with exes, he actively avoided sorting this this week when offered an olive branch, as he would have felt that he had to entertain me and not swan off around leaving me to my own devices. Again , selfish and lack of care.

I find the narcissistic suggestion interesting. He love bombed me for sure and had me on a pedestal for so long, yet the last month or so the mask has slipped and his disdain and contempt for me and my feelings are frankly shocking from a man I thought I knew.
I've spoken to his ex who has had a mirror image experience with him but spent years in this cycle. She was the psycho ex, naturally!
That was the final straw for me as it was so eerily accurate and similar. The cycle ends before he gets too comfortable mistreating me. I am a very soft and sensitive person and like to see the good in people. He often said I was too good for him. How
Right he was.

The good news is that she has now met a wonderful partner and someday when I'm
Ready, I will too.

Heartfelt thanks for your empathy and sympathy. I went to a very dark place yesterday but today I feel empowered and strong.

Well done for taking the power back and blocking him!
It's quite common to think that everything is okay and to ignore the red flags because you're really into them, but it sounds like deep down you knew all along.
My ex used to say that I was too nice, similar thing to your ex. And I didn't get why he was saying it and questioned him. He then couldn't come up with a particular reason which was weird. Love bombed me too but didn't realise this until I looked back.
A nice man would have apologised not blanked you. I think you knowing from his ex that it was a cycle for years has helped confirm to you that it was the right thing to do, well done!
Now that you're feeling stronger, it'll only get easier. I was gutted when I dumped my ex but soon got over him. Well done for sticking to your boundaries, something to be very proud of.

Thanks.I feel a type of relief. I think my gut was screaming at me for along time.
I'm trying not to obsess about the past flags that were there but they were there but subtle.

Yeah they add up don't they over time, and you don't realise that they were red flags/don't want to see them until further on. But yeah don't obsess, look forward now, you've done a positive thing.

I'm reading about narcissistic behaviours and I'm sick to my stomach.

That's what I did. You can learn from it and identify and act next time, (hopefully there isn't a next time and you meet a normal, loving man).

There are so many similarities but the overarching one is the feeling that he actually never really loved me or cared. I'm
Remembering a time when Inwas crying and talking about my child who was going through some stuff. We were in bed and he lay there talking through it offering platitudes,with his back to me.

It was all an act, a good one to be fair but he was becoming increasingly dependant on my generosity and kindness but giving little in return. I'm so grateful to have had these responses to my thread.

That's so rude. And was he on his phone at the time? My ex was constantly on his phone and at times when he should have been giving me attention too.

No he wasn't on his phone but he may aswell have been

@formalineadeline So you would prefer them to sleep outside in the freezing cold just because they’ve had a few drinks? Are you a covid Marshall?🥶

@sleepspray I take my hat off to you for speaking to his ex. That can’t have been easy, but well done. It is a lifesaver when that penny drops and you realise this was nothing to do with you/ personal to you- this was him.

You may need to shore yourself up with professional support. I saw a counsellor for about 3 months - the counsellor specialises in these behaviours and was so essential in helping me unpick the feels of guilt and shame. Helping me understand the behaviours and critically - keeping me away from him. The cruellest part of these sorts of individuals is that because of trauma bonding (which is enforced via the cycles of abuse), leaving them is so very hard.

For weeks/ months, whilst every part of me understood just how empty he was and how everything was a lie. My heart missed him and the thought of it being over forever, was devastating. Even though every part of me knew I had to get away from him. Understanding how my brain was undermining my attempts to stay away was helpful. Understanding the importance of no contact was critical.

I’m about 5 months out from the relationship ending and I can tell you hand on heart that no part of me misses him. I feel intense relief that I’ve removed him from my life. The old me is starting to return, along with a real deep down happiness and peace.

It hasn’t been remotely easy, far from it. It’s been painful actually. But I’m so much happier for it.

Nothing on this earth would make me break no contact now. Nothing would make me see him/ talk to him. All I want is to put as much time between the end of my relationship with him and today. Every day is another number added on.

If you can, get support. I found coming to terms with who my ex was intensely hard.

@Sassbott Only for his ex I would have gone straight back and I'll tell you why ...

Last night he managed to find an old Twitter account that I dont use anymore and contacted me.
He said he didn't know what to say that that's why he didn't contact me plus I had said not to contact him , in temper.
He wouldn't talk on the phone because I couldnt stand this messaging so again all about him.
He said that he was very sad and down and low about a lot of things and he didn't know how he felt about anything anymore, including me.
It was one big huge pity party where he was the victim of everyone and everything.
Not once taking responsibility for his behaviours despite the original apologies. He actually said that I got more sleep than him and that's why he had to just go and that no matter what he said I was going to find faultwith him leaving the guesthouse !!!

Then said he needed time!!!

So I swiftly reminded him that the relationship was over.
He then spent the evening sending messages of how much he loved me and thanking me for everything and how hard it all was for HIM!

Then he started sending me all these songs that I loved and again how much they will always remind him of me !
It was nuts. I didn't respond.

Now I do feel sorry for him!!!!!
He does have a very tough life at the moment.
I chatted to his ex then and told her all of this and she said it's exactly the same behaviour. He'll keep at this until I break or he breaks she said.
She said I will Feel sorry for him, take him back and all is forgotten or I won't but at least I know what's ahead.
I'll thank the gods for her every day.
Does this behaviour sound familiar or is there a genuine case for him being depressed as he says he thinks he is?
Btw I've no intention of going back but must learn from this as I've never encountered these behaviours before.

Dickheads can be depressed, sure 🤷🏻‍♀️

Does he sound like a narcissist to you @HaggisBurger

Bizarre. I can’t see where has done anything wrong.
But carry on.

Are you joking @Derelicthome ?

I mean, like a lot of people (and you) I am hugely 🤔🤔🤔 at the massive trend of women in particular in diagnosing awful men with narcissistic personality disorder. I mean statistically EVERYONE’S ex can’t be a narcissist…

That said, when we read the traits it is a way of helpfully highlighting what is unacceptable in a relationship. As a general rule though I find the obsession we often have of finding out “why” someone behaves as they do to be really a waste of time. Bottom line - how does this person behave - to me. To other people.
Is it acceptable to me (bearing in mind no one is perfect)? Do they add more to my life than they detract?
Thinking of the above, factoring in how long you’ve been together (the shine starting to wear off as ability to maintain a facade) plus the fact that people can’t really change -
That’s your answer.

Diagnose him as giraffe but if his behaviour hurts you and upsets you that’s all that matters. I think what was telling was that while the severity of what happened here took you aback, it wasn’t a total shock. There had been other signs he couldn’t cope when things didn’t go his way.
Narcissism, immaturity, poor imypukse control, lack of empathy- call it what you will. It doesn’t work for you.

You’ll feel better soon @sleepspray take it as good sign that you are hurt in a way, it’s normal, and in time it will ease. Concentrate on being kind to yourself as cheesy as that sounds, write your thoughts down so that you’re not overthinking about it all, get out in nature if you can. Just be good to yourself, you’ll be okay in time.

Interesting post @HaggisBurger , thanks