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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to finish this don't I?

257 replies

sleepspray · 13/02/2022 15:11

I was away with my partner of 18 months for the weekend. We had a wonderful weekend until we got locked out of our guest house so despite many attempts to get in contact with the owner, we had to sleep in the car.
We were both annoyed but he was particularly upset. He spoke to me like shit.Didn't really care that I was really cold and generally mean.
When we finally got into the building, he was so rude to the lady who was very upset that this had happened and was very apologetic. She offered us breakfast and the room for an extended period.
He flounced off to the room, packed his stuff and met me at the doorway.
When I asked him where he was going ... he simply said' home' and left. We don't live together. He's 46 btw.
So he left ..
Do I leave him for this?

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepspray · 13/02/2022 18:35

No I haven't heard from him.
I need something from his car for work so asked for that.
He tends to shut down when have arguments or when life doesn't go his way.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepspray · 13/02/2022 18:36

I was sorry for the lady too. She was terribly upset.

OP posts:
thinlyv · 13/02/2022 18:40

Haven't scanned thru all responses, but more telling... did he give you his big puffa coat to keep warm?!

Original poster
sleepspray · 13/02/2022 18:40

No

OP posts:
Specialk2021 · 13/02/2022 18:42

There's no need for that just to leave you there!! I'd just leave if I was you.. you don't deserve to be spoke to like that at all no one's does.. life is to short and I've realised that over the past year.. no one is tellling you what to do but if it was me I'd cut ties x

charliebear78 · 13/02/2022 18:44

I would be very annoyed at him leaving you there! Sounds like he over reacted and stormed like a child, that is not great.
You need to have a long talk and if you want to continue the relationship than do so, I am not sure I would be ending things over this if normally everything is ok? I know lots would disagree.
However I cannot understand the sleeping in cars!!! No way-He lived 10mins away...Also not sure why you even needed to pay for a Guesthouse if He lives so close,but anyway.

Original poster
sleepspray · 13/02/2022 18:47

We decided to have a weekend together to mark valentines and his teenage daughters were at his home so it was privacy for us but yet, to be nearby for
The girls.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 13/02/2022 18:47

@sleepspray

The way I see it is that life will always throw shit at is but we have to deal with it. I've never seen that side to him before and he's never deliberately just fuck off and left me. We only see each other once a week as it is.
Bless you OP, what a rotten experience Flowers

You're absolutely right, when shit happens in life we need someone who makes things better, not makes things worse!

Well done for drawing a line under this. Your future self will be so glad you did.

Hope you get plenty of rest and feel better soon.

Stravaig · 13/02/2022 18:49

You're right, life always has surprises for us, and he's shown you who he is, in the face of a relatively minor mishap. He could have made the best of it, staying with you, having a snooze, hot bath or shower, breakfast, possibly even a laugh after you'd defrosted. (Lovely that the owner offered this, as well as a refund.) If you want to face the joys and challenges of life together, as a team - he's not the one. I'm just echoing you, I love your wisdom on this.

Original poster
sleepspray · 13/02/2022 18:49

I need a good long soak and a good long sleep.
So disappointed.

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 13/02/2022 18:54

My DH does have a tendency to get really stroppy when small stuff goes wrong, and he turns into another person when he's really really tired. But in a genuine crisis, he is a tower of strength, very calm, very practical. So I think the question is - is this a rare occurrence driven by being cold and exhausted, or indicative of someone who falls apart and becomes totally self-centred when things go wrong?

wingscrow · 13/02/2022 18:56

I think you just saw his true face.

He showed you he is rubbish in a crisis, immature and does not really care about your welfare. He left you behind as if you were somehow to blame for what happened.

Blessing in disguise I would say: have nothing more to do with him now that you know what he is truly made of.

MountainAshley · 13/02/2022 18:57

Sounds like a horrible night. If that is how he reacts in a bad situation, you are probably better off without him. Enjoy your long soak and sleep.

Original poster
sleepspray · 13/02/2022 18:57

When small things go wrong he bails. He can't cope but yet the big big things, he is a tower of strength for me, as long as it doesn't affect him.
So if I'm going through some horrid experiences, he is a calm support and a practical support but when he does something wrong, he shuts down and buried his problems, reappears then when the dust settles and expects everything to be back to normal.

OP posts:
Stravaig · 13/02/2022 19:21

At the moment you're having a horrid experience created by his behaviour. The overnight-in-cars disaster was over as soon your mortified host let you into the warmth and offered you room and breakfast. Everything since is him, lashing out to you (and her). A momentary flash of bad temper would be excusable, but only with an immediate apology to you, and your host, then on to warming up together. But not this.

sassbott · 13/02/2022 19:29

but when he does something wrong, he shuts down and buried his problems, reappears then when the dust settles and expects everything to be back to normal.

I read that as he takes no responsibility for his wrongs (most likely because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong). Be very careful OP.

In my exp this sort of behaviour was the red flag for much wider issues with him. You read it as he can’t cope. The cold harsh reality is he may well be able to cope perfectly, but he wants to act how he acts and not explain himself or his behaviour to you.

He was incandescent about how he was treated and that anger overrode everything, including you/ your needs. He was central to this as was his anger. You don’t matter and nor does this woman.

He’s showing you who he is. Pay attention.

HollowTalk · 13/02/2022 19:33

@sleepspray

The way I see it is that life will always throw shit at is but we have to deal with it. I've never seen that side to him before and he's never deliberately just fuck off and left me. We only see each other once a week as it is.
Honestly? I would dump him for being rude to an old lady. I would dump him for being rude to me. I'd fuck him off altogether.
thinkingcapon · 13/02/2022 19:42

Has he been in touch since op?!

Original poster
sleepspray · 13/02/2022 19:44

He has responded to my text asking for my work belongings, by saying he'll
Drop them to me tomorrow.
That's it.

OP posts:
thinkingcapon · 13/02/2022 19:47

He sounds immature and thoughtless. You are neither of these x

dogmandu · 13/02/2022 19:47

I'd love to hear his side of the story though.

SlouchingTowardBethlehem · 13/02/2022 19:50

He sounds like a bit of a cunt, who decided to punish you for the problem which was none of your making and was horrible to the hotel owner besides. This is the kind of twat I could not waste my time with. Like he is a big ole baby that everything has to go well for. Hope you are ok OP. You may not need a big ole baby in your life right now. Flowers

Original poster
sleepspray · 13/02/2022 19:52

There is no his side of the story.
What happened happed. It's factual.
Yes he was tired, hungover, angry. Cold and pissed off but bar the anger, so was I.
It was how he reacted that I have issues with.
Does it not tell you something when he hasn't rang to apologise?

OP posts:
dogmandu · 13/02/2022 19:55

@sleepspray

There is no his side of the story. What happened happed. It's factual. Yes he was tired, hungover, angry. Cold and pissed off but bar the anger, so was I. It was how he reacted that I have issues with. Does it not tell you something when he hasn't rang to apologise?
I believe you that it's factual. I'd still like to hear from him why he behaved as he did.
Original poster
sleepspray · 13/02/2022 19:57

He has form for behaving like this when things don't go his way.
But last night/ this morning, we had the added dollop of rudeness and just leaving.

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