DH never remembers painful anniversary

SiliconDioxide79 · 2022-02-12T21:45:53+00:00

Will try to keep this concise. My DM died when I was 3 years old, the date was the start of Feb. Her birthday is a couple of days later. I have been with DH nearly 20 years. I really don’t expect him to remember the date, but it would be nice if he remembered that the start of Feb is a bit of a hard week for me. This year I have been doing quite a tough job and have had to work my day off covering for a lovely colleague who’s mum has died. This has made it a bit harder than usual for me. I have once on other years reminded him end of Jan that this week was coming up but then he still forgot! I don’t want to remind him. 2 days after the date we fell out over boring housework issues and I stupidly mentioned this. He felt bad but has continued to avoid me and has said that I should really only be angry / subdued for 1 day. Today it has all blown up and he said he feels like I am waiting to trip him up each year. I feel so sad that he would think I would do that. I really can’t bear to have to mention it. I just want him to understand maybe get a calendar or diary or ask a friend to remind him. He said he would remember if I would agree to go and visit her grave or do a family meal. I tried to explain I don’t want that. I just want him to roughly remember to be a bit more I understanding at the start of Feb. I don’t mention it to anyone, nobody wants to hear about such a sad and dated anniversary and I actually don’t really want to discuss it or make a fuss out of it. Equally I keep feeling like my DH (who is pretty good generally and a kind man except when he feels ashamed at which point he becomes defensive) really surely can remember This if he wanted to. We had a row and he shouted “well it’s right after doing my tax return!!” At which point I laughed and said yes that would genuinely be a good way to remember it. But he is furious with me. Argh. I have been silent since Monday, it’s true. But I have been struggling with it. Several Years it has happened and I haven’t mentioned it. I get that dates are hard for some people. Why do I feel so resoundingly like the bad guy here though?

AgeingDoc · 12/02/2022 21:53

I can empathise. My Mum died close to Christmas some years ago. I don't make a big thing of the anniversary but obviously I still feel sad. Well I say obviously, but it's clearly not obvious to my DH who didn't understand why I didn't want to go to a party with his extended family on that date this Christmas. I don't sit around crying all day, but I don't want to spend the anniversary of the day my mum died playing happy families with someone else's thanks very much.
No advice sorry, butI understand how you feel.

NeesAndToes · 12/02/2022 21:54

He can just put it in his phone calendar. He is a complete idiot.

WTF475878237NC · 12/02/2022 21:57

Ah I'm really sorry OP. What I don't get is how he hasn't learned for himself to use some kind of reminder system. I have a note in my diary every year for the date my dear friend lost her parents in tragic circumstances so I always remember. Your his wife! I just don't get it.

1984Winston · 12/02/2022 21:58

My mum died on my birthday which to he fair probably makes it easier for him remember but he's always understanding. Im like you OP I don't really talk about it or visit her grave but doesn't mean it's not difficult for me

Original poster

SiliconDioxide79 · 12/02/2022 22:16

Yes I can see why you would want to just have a quiet day. Thank you for responding.

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Original poster

SiliconDioxide79 · 12/02/2022 22:20

He doesn’t have that type of phone! Drives me mad! He really does feel bad. But unfortunately behaves like an utter wanker when feels bad.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2022 22:22

I have been silent since Monday, it’s true

Do you mean you haven’t spoken to him in nearly a week?

Original poster

SiliconDioxide79 · 12/02/2022 22:24

@WTF475878237NC

Ah I'm really sorry OP. What I don't get is how he hasn't learned for himself to use some kind of reminder system. I have a note in my diary every year for the date my dear friend lost her parents in tragic circumstances so I always remember. Your his wife! I just don't get it.

I know, I don’t really get it either. It does feel like it’s as simple as caring or not caring. I think he does care. Just shows it in different ways. He’s just ridiculously set in his ways/ on the spectrum and finds it hard to do things differently. Now he has tallied it up with his tax return he hopefully will remember. Let’s just hope we are still together 1 year from now 🙄

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WTF475878237NC · 12/02/2022 22:26

It's like it's not on his radar at all then really.

Louisianagumbo · 12/02/2022 22:30

Do you think it's because it was so long ago that he gets you being sad but thinks it probably isn't overwhelming? We all process things differently and sometimes it can be hard to understand the depth of someone else's grief. Obviously they understand the words when you explain but can't comprehend the depth of emotion because either that's not how they deal with things or have not experienced it themselves.

Original poster

SiliconDioxide79 · 12/02/2022 22:30

@AnneLovesGilbert

I have been silent since Monday, it’s true

Do you mean you haven’t spoken to him in nearly a week?

Umm well I reminded him about the anniversary via text because he wanted to know why I seemed angry. He was working away on Wednesday night.

I had been I would say withdrawn and a bit pissed off since Monday. He came back on Thursday night having been away and I was working on my laptop upstairs. He just got a glass of wine and settled in the living g room and didn’t come up at see me or say hi. So I felt pretty much like I had to be the bigger person…. And could really find it so carried on being withdrawn and well yes sulking I guess. I thought he would come up and say really sorry and how was your day….but no.

I hold my hands up I don’t get pissed off very often and don’t mind a lot of stuff, but once a line has been crossed I think I do give off bad vibes of anger. If you like I am not very forgiving. But this is after 20 years of forgetting. As I say, other tears it hasn’t bothered me and I have just got on with it. Dunno why it has been harder this year.

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Original poster

SiliconDioxide79 · 12/02/2022 22:34

@AgeingDoc

I can empathise. My Mum died close to Christmas some years ago. I don't make a big thing of the anniversary but obviously I still feel sad. Well I say obviously, but it's clearly not obvious to my DH who didn't understand why I didn't want to go to a party with his extended family on that date this Christmas. I don't sit around crying all day, but I don't want to spend the anniversary of the day my mum died playing happy families with someone else's thanks very much. No advice sorry, butI understand how you feel.

Sorry I replied randomly below and hadn’t worked out how to copy your quote!

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SpikeySmooth · 12/02/2022 22:34

I don't know the exact date of my MiL's passing (she died before I came on the scene) but I know it's in April and will ask DH if he wants me to buy flowers to take to the cemetery. DH can be sad for quite a few days before and after the anniversary. It's to be expected.

Kshhuxnxk · 12/02/2022 22:35

This won't go down well but I'm hopefully perhaps explaining how I would feel which may be the same as your DH. To me you were 3, hardly able to have any memories and it must be at least 30 years ago so yes although it's sad it seems a bit extreme to literally decide you're going to be sad for a week. You are of course entitled to your feelings however I wouldn't remember either, particularly as I'd never met her or even seen photos and heard of years of childhood memories with her so there is absolutely no connection. I would expect you to remind me also. Having said all that it does affect you and it's entirely your right to grieve and remember as you want to, just don't expect others to.

girafferafferaffe · 12/02/2022 22:39

I don't know op... if you've not spoken to him since Monday I feel really sorry for him. Yes it is a sad time, but I really don't think it's on just ignoring him for nearly a week. He must have absolutely no idea what to do for the best.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 12/02/2022 22:40

@Kshhuxnxk

This won't go down well but I'm hopefully perhaps explaining how I would feel which may be the same as your DH. To me you were 3, hardly able to have any memories and it must be at least 30 years ago so yes although it's sad it seems a bit extreme to literally decide you're going to be sad for a week. You are of course entitled to your feelings however I wouldn't remember either, particularly as I'd never met her or even seen photos and heard of years of childhood memories with her so there is absolutely no connection. I would expect you to remind me also. Having said all that it does affect you and it's entirely your right to grieve and remember as you want to, just don't expect others to.

I agree. I feel it's unfair to expect him to remember and react to the passing of a lady who, whilst she was the centre of your world, didn't mean that to him and he never met her.

I forget the exact date of my grandfathers death every year, apart from it being just after spring bank holiday. (I am going to write it down this year).

If he is loving and kind the other 364 days of the year then I think you are being a bit harsh.

CousinKrispy · 12/02/2022 22:42

Perhaps it's pandemic stress that's made it harder, OP.

I agree with Louisianagumbo (yum). Even if he remembered the date on his own, I wonder if it's possible that he still might not respond in the way you want--I'm not quite clear on what you want from him (besides a vague feeling of "being more supportive") and perhaps he isn't either.....

I know it's probably hard for you to find the words to explain, but it might be hard for him to imagine your depth of feeling about it. I've lost both parents.... conveniently at the same time of year....and while I do feel some sadness at the anniversary each year, it's not particularly pronounced and doesn't mean I need any support from others.

That's not to say you're wrong in how you feel, just saying that people process grief so differently that it's possible it's hard for either of you to understand each other.

sanbeiji · 12/02/2022 22:52

There was a similar thread on here. except the genders were reversed and the man got a complete bashing.
Maybe it was slightly different as he withdrew from family life leaving the OP to look after kids.. but the point still stands.
Grief is very personal, obviously it's not just 'knowing her' but it's been 30 years, you're being very vague, you just want him to be 'a bit more understanding' but equally you're not doing anything. What does that phrase even mean then? What exactly do you want him to do? Treat you, give you more hugs, let you cry?

You're being a wee bit unreasonable

Satingreenshutters · 12/02/2022 22:52

@Kshhuxnxk

This won't go down well but I'm hopefully perhaps explaining how I would feel which may be the same as your DH. To me you were 3, hardly able to have any memories and it must be at least 30 years ago so yes although it's sad it seems a bit extreme to literally decide you're going to be sad for a week. You are of course entitled to your feelings however I wouldn't remember either, particularly as I'd never met her or even seen photos and heard of years of childhood memories with her so there is absolutely no connection. I would expect you to remind me also. Having said all that it does affect you and it's entirely your right to grieve and remember as you want to, just don't expect others to.

This. You are being WAY too harsh.

Original poster

SiliconDioxide79 · 12/02/2022 22:54

@Kshhuxnxk

This won't go down well but I'm hopefully perhaps explaining how I would feel which may be the same as your DH. To me you were 3, hardly able to have any memories and it must be at least 30 years ago so yes although it's sad it seems a bit extreme to literally decide you're going to be sad for a week. You are of course entitled to your feelings however I wouldn't remember either, particularly as I'd never met her or even seen photos and heard of years of childhood memories with her so there is absolutely no connection. I would expect you to remind me also. Having said all that it does affect you and it's entirely your right to grieve and remember as you want to, just don't expect others to.

I don’t decide to be sad. I am generally immensely positive about the fact that I have not got any memories of my mother and had a shitty childhood 😁 The fact that I have no memories and it was a long time ago makes it quite tragic and it has this way of hitting me like a bus about once every decade. Most people don’t get it… and I guess why should they if it hadn’t happened to them. It’s hard not having memories and I just feel so sad that she was so young and what she must have gone through.

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GeorgiaGirl52 · 12/02/2022 22:55

@Kshhuxnxk

This won't go down well but I'm hopefully perhaps explaining how I would feel which may be the same as your DH. To me you were 3, hardly able to have any memories and it must be at least 30 years ago so yes although it's sad it seems a bit extreme to literally decide you're going to be sad for a week. You are of course entitled to your feelings however I wouldn't remember either, particularly as I'd never met her or even seen photos and heard of years of childhood memories with her so there is absolutely no connection. I would expect you to remind me also. Having said all that it does affect you and it's entirely your right to grieve and remember as you want to, just don't expect others to.

Totally agree. If you feel you need support in your grief after 30+ years, then maybe a few sessions with a grief counselor or a Support Group. Expecting others around you to remember without being reminded and be as supportive as you seem to need and punishing them when they don't is a bit much.

Holskey · 12/02/2022 23:01

You're completely entitled to feel sad (and I guess it can't be helped anyway) but I also agree that you're being too harsh. Just communicate. When you feel sad, tell him so and tell him why. If you don't want to discuss your sadness or mark the anniversary in any way at all, then it's not clear what you want from him.

wingscrow · 12/02/2022 23:02

This is probably going to sound harsh to you but I don't blame your partner for not wanting to live in the past to that extent...

You were 3 years old when your mother died. It must have been difficult to grow up without a parent but you are now a grown woman with a family of your own.

I wonder if the point is that you have still somehow not come to term with your loss and you are projecting this on to your husband which frankly is not fair on him...

He has never met your mother and you cannot expect him to feel the same level of grief that you do. It is not clear ever as to what you want him to do.

I would seriously consider talking to a counsellor because if this is affecting you to that extent after so many years, it just isn't healthy. You need to find ways to deal with your feelings somehow and address whatever it is that you have still not dealt with.

I personally would struggle with a partner who behaves the way you do and who would give me the silent treatment for a week.

Your husband has made a very good point: if you were clear about wanting him to accompany you to the grave and pay your respect, he would know what to do and would be there for you. As it is there seems to be no clear indication as to what you expect from him.

I think you are blaming your partner to avoid dealing with the root cause of your issues.

StopFeckingFaffing · 12/02/2022 23:02

Sorry but I'm not sure it is reasonable to expect him to know. Some people place a lot of importance on anniversaries and dates but others don't.

I feel a bit embarrassed to admit that I have no idea what date my MIL died, or the date of her birthday. She died when DH was a child so I never met her. DH is not someone who places importance on dates but that doesn't mean he loved his Mum any less.

WaitingInForAParcel · 12/02/2022 23:02

It's almost as if you are expecting him to remember the date; expecting him to predict in advance how you are going to feel; and then expecting him to know how to respond. All without you actually saying anything.

Why don't you, when you feel sad, say to him "I feel sad because.... e.g. tomorrow is the anniversary of my mum's death" and take it from there.... Instead of getting upset because he doesn't anticipate how you feel or what you need.

If he is a good man in other ways, and has issues of his own, then you are really asking a bit too much.