DH never remembers painful anniversary

[SiliconDioxide79]

Will try to keep this concise. My DM died when I was 3 years old, the date was the start of Feb. Her birthday is a couple of days later. I have been with DH nearly 20 years. I really don’t expect him to remember the date, but it would be nice if he remembered that the start of Feb is a bit of a hard week for me. This year I have been doing quite a tough job and have had to work my day off covering for a lovely colleague who’s mum has died. This has made it a bit harder than usual for me. I have once on other years reminded him end of Jan that this week was coming up but then he still forgot! I don’t want to remind him. 2 days after the date we fell out over boring housework issues and I stupidly mentioned this. He felt bad but has continued to avoid me and has said that I should really only be angry / subdued for 1 day. Today it has all blown up and he said he feels like I am waiting to trip him up each year. I feel so sad that he would think I would do that. I really can’t bear to have to mention it. I just want him to understand maybe get a calendar or diary or ask a friend to remind him. He said he would remember if I would agree to go and visit her grave or do a family meal. I tried to explain I don’t want that. I just want him to roughly remember to be a bit more I understanding at the start of Feb. I don’t mention it to anyone, nobody wants to hear about such a sad and dated anniversary and I actually don’t really want to discuss it or make a fuss out of it. Equally I keep feeling like my DH (who is pretty good generally and a kind man except when he feels ashamed at which point he becomes defensive) really surely can remember
This if he wanted to. We had a row and he shouted “well it’s right after doing my tax return!!”

At which point I laughed and said yes that would genuinely be a good way to remember it. But he is furious with me. Argh. I have been silent since Monday, it’s true. But I have been struggling with it. Several
Years it has happened and I haven’t mentioned it. I get that dates are hard for some people. Why do I feel so resoundingly like the bad guy here though?

I didn't lose my mum as a child. I lost her a few weeks ago. So I dont know what it's like.

Dp has been supportive and understanding. But on the odd occasion he hasn't got it quite right. Basically, not said what I needed to heat at that moment. And it's upset me. However, I also have to accept he is trying his best. He is a great partner. Has been great through this.

I have had days where I have been entirely pissed off. You say he asked what was wrong because you were angry. Grief is awful it makes us sad, angry, anxious and a whole range of emotions. But, on the other hand, being angry and expecting other people to accept it with good grace (whenever it rears its head) is a big ask.

Dp lost his dad 18 years ago. I know this because his sister is a friend of mine and she will mention it coming up to the anniversary. I wouldn't remember without her, because dp doesn't mention it.

I don't think anyone suggesting some outside help, is suggesting it help you get over it. But it may help you process it. Bereavement support can help in many ways. It's not about getting over it at all.

Can I ask, are both his parents alive? Because I thought I could empathise with people who had lost their parent. I thought I could imagine how awful it was. I knew it must be sad and painful. But honestly, I had no clue. I realise now that I couldn't imagine how painful it was, because it's like nothing I have experienced before. I feel like I might die myself. I didn't expect that. I exepcted to be immensely sad, I expected to miss her forever. I didn't expect this level of fear, anxiety, the hole she has left. The absence of her is horrific. There's so much more that I could ever have known.

Losing your mum as a child must be so much worse. I can't judge you, because I have no clue how it must be.

But I do think that looking it from the point of view that neither of you are handling it well. He may have not come to see you when he came back because he thought space was best. You have then carried on being quite and withdrawn, because he isn't acting how you want. But then you being withdrawn may make him think he is right that you want space.

I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you both find a way through this together.

Has he experienced a significant traumatic bereavement?

It can be difficult for people to understand if they aren’t ‘in the grief club’ (there seem to be some examples of this on this thread…)

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you lost your mum. I've never met you but I shed a little tear at the thought of a tiny little three year old losing her mum at such a young age. I can't imagine the loss you've suffered or how it must have affected you throughout your life.

You have every right to feel sad and grieve the loss of your mum however it comes about. I can't see that type of profound early loss as something anyone could really realistically "get over".

No advice on your partner except that maybe if he has a laptop or PC, you could add a little alarm now to remind him to be sensitive around this time next year. Perhaps if he's on the spectrum you could give some explicit instructions about what you feel might help you, such as to be understanding if you're down, to enquire after how you're feeling, to offer you things that might be soothing (tea, chocolate, wine). One of my brothers is aspie and I found (over time) that it's not that he doesn't care or empathise about situations but sometimes he needs explicit information or direction so that he can respond appropriately.

@AlDanvers

I didn't lose my mum as a child. I lost her a few weeks ago. So I dont know what it's like.

Dp has been supportive and understanding. But on the odd occasion he hasn't got it quite right. Basically, not said what I needed to heat at that moment. And it's upset me. However, I also have to accept he is trying his best. He is a great partner. Has been great through this.

I have had days where I have been entirely pissed off. You say he asked what was wrong because you were angry. Grief is awful it makes us sad, angry, anxious and a whole range of emotions. But, on the other hand, being angry and expecting other people to accept it with good grace (whenever it rears its head) is a big ask.

Dp lost his dad 18 years ago. I know this because his sister is a friend of mine and she will mention it coming up to the anniversary. I wouldn't remember without her, because dp doesn't mention it.

I don't think anyone suggesting some outside help, is suggesting it help you get over it. But it may help you process it. Bereavement support can help in many ways. It's not about getting over it at all.

Can I ask, are both his parents alive? Because I thought I could empathise with people who had lost their parent. I thought I could imagine how awful it was. I knew it must be sad and painful. But honestly, I had no clue. I realise now that I couldn't imagine how painful it was, because it's like nothing I have experienced before. I feel like I might die myself. I didn't expect that. I exepcted to be immensely sad, I expected to miss her forever. I didn't expect this level of fear, anxiety, the hole she has left. The absence of her is horrific. There's so much more that I could ever have known.

Losing your mum as a child must be so much worse. I can't judge you, because I have no clue how it must be.

But I do think that looking it from the point of view that neither of you are handling it well. He may have not come to see you when he came back because he thought space was best. You have then carried on being quite and withdrawn, because he isn't acting how you want. But then you being withdrawn may make him think he is right that you want space.

I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you both find a way through this together.

@AlDanvers for describing how you feel at the moment in such a detailed and honest way. I found it very helpful. I agree that it is hard to imagine until it happens. When you lose a parent as a child and have no memories you don't have the pain of all the memories and missing the person in a specific way, but you have a huge void and you wonder how life would have been different. And usually life is a lot harder growing up for the whole family. My husbands parents are alive in their nineties, he has not always had it easy but certainly different problems to mine. I hope you get through this time doing what is right for you.

@user1481840227 thank you for your understanding comment. I do get how impossible it is for most people to see why it is traumatic and the far reaching impact but then other people like you find it easier to imagine these things.

People shouldn't tell other people how to grieve. Even if it's 30 year on, it's okay for the op to feel like that. My brother died 17 years and his suicide anniversary still gets to me. I aren't very good on that day.

Saying that op, I also think you've been a little harsh on him. Communication is always key on this thing. I don't expect my partner to remember the exact either. We've been together 16 years this year. He knows it is around Jan. But I would always tell him but it means something to me not him. He never met my brother as we met afterwards. If I were you, reframe the whole thing. Just tell him the week before, look it's that time again and I may be a bit withdrawn so just bear with me. And leave it at that. We are all just human. If he's good apart from that, then cut him some slack.

Apologies for the odd word I appear to have missed out there!

@merrymouse no, he never has. He sometimes has to have things explained a few times and then he does get it, he is doing his best I guess.

@GreenUp thank you. Kind comments.

@Opaljewel I'm really sorry to hear about your brother. Yes I know really that those saying I have to mention it are right....I find it hard to bring it up and hate to mention it, but I think I will need to, it's better than this happening again. Take care.

OP I am interested in this thread because a child in my extended family lost their mother at a similar age and we are all keen to support her through the years ahead.

I’m sure you have heard bereavement advice before about not to fixate on certain dates. Can you remember when the anniversary of your mother’s death became difficult for you? Just thinking that as a very small child you were unlikely to remember the date - unless your father or other family members did things on her anniversary to remember her? Or was it something that developed as an adult & you thought about it more at certain times of the year?

While there is definitely a mother shaped void in the life of the child in our family and there are photos & conversations about her mother, she is not bothered by particular dates but maybe that will change as she gets older.

My own father’s anniversary is soon. Dh would never remember if I didn’t mention it.

If I’m honest I don’t get it and I’m a very empathetic person. Probably because it didn’t/hasn’t happened to me so I don’t understand why a week would be pencilled in for sadness every year and what it would be that I’m expected to do.
I’m not trying to be callous I just don’t see why so many years later this is a big thing and how you know your automatically going to be upset about it for a few days/week.
Maybe he doesn’t get it too?

I'm sorry OP, but your DH never met your mother, I assume she has been dead for 20 years or so before you even met him. Why should he remember the anniversary of her death?
My mother died 2 years ago, my DP knew her well, but I doubt very much if he remembers the date. I have a few minutes if quiet reflection, but would never expect anyone else to think about it.

My dad died when I was young in quite traumatic and unusual circumstances - DH would have absolutely no idea when the date was, or when dads birthday was. Sometimes I get a bit tearful around those times, DH asks what the matter is, I tell him, he gives me a hug and makes me a cup of tea and asks if I want to talk about it (I generally don't, I just need him to know I'm feeling a bit sad and need some extra love). That's it, it shouldn't be any more complicated than that.

I think you are expecting too much of your husband, particularly if you don't want him to do anything specific to support you. You're asking him to remember something that happened way way before he ever met you, and be supportive in a way that even you can't really define. Not really fair on him, especially if he's a decent chap who is supportive emotionally the rest of the time, he's probably really bloody confused, no wonder he's a bit frustrated.

Like others I suspect you need some counselling or professional help to work through this if it's still affecting you this badly.

I had a work colleague over 12 years ago whose adult son died in March several years before I knew her.
She always booked that week off work.
Haven’t seen colleague for many years but I often think of her in March and hope she’s ok. It’s not hard to be empathetic.

Much sympathy for never knowing your mum, although slightly confused that your poor DH is being flamed for not remembering a trauma that isn't his

A now-adult child in my close family lost their parent (main carer) days from their 3rd birthday. It’s certainly affected them and I know they grieve. I also know they can’t remember the month of their parent’s death, never mind the date. They were/are encouraged to know about and appreciate their missing parent and are close to the extended family, but at the deceased parent’s request there is no memorial to visit.

I wonder if you were taught you have a duty to focus your feelings on a particular day.

The insensitivity, lack of compassion and utter emotional insularity on this thread is quite shocking.

This is a classic case of 'you don't need to understand how or why another person feels the way they do, you just have to believe them when they tell you that they do.'

And she has told him. She's told him exactly what she needs from him; a bit of awareness of her likely low mood and quietness at that time in February, a bit of kindness and sympathy.

There is nothing for him to 'get', he just needs to make a note in his diary (as he would for a birthday or any other anniversary), be prepared and respond according to the social code he's had explained to him.

She's practically written a manual for him. He's just refusing to read it.

Dear Op,

Just saying l get it. You have tried to communicate your needs to your DH and he hasn’t processed and reacted in a loving caring way. In fact he has resorted to shifting the blame onto you which is horrible.

You have had some robust responses here and it must be difficult to read them. I guess what they show is that there are many different reactions to grief and also a bit of a judgemental sense of ‘how’ people should grieve.

Losing your mother would have created a huge void in your life and underneath that sense of loss could be lurking an anger and sense of injustice at the hand life has played you.

It could be that the insensitivity your husband is showing you, cuts so so deeply because surely out of everyone in your life he should have your back over this.

I am wondering if one of the reasons he is so resistant to you over this matter is because he believes your grief is perhaps disproportionate (along with other posters here) and therefore can’t feel the empathy you need.

Having said that, people can be rubbish with dates and just don’t have the sort of brain that retains those once a year bits of information easily. However if you know something is important to someone else, even if you do forget, then your attitude surely would be more conciliatory?

I do think the fact that he gets defensive when feeling blamed for something is not great. It must be very hard to bring up any kind of grievance full stop.

It also sounds as if both of you are being quiet with each other. It almost reads as a bit of a power play. Who should make the first move. He’s been away - you would normally expect him to come and find you but equally you could have welcomed him home.

I think this sad episode possibly highlights some communication issues between the two of you and the tussle where neither of you wants to give in to each other.

xx

This insensitivity, lack of compassion and emotional insularity are also utterly typical of a significant minority of MN posters, on many, many threads though.

Take that as typical of some people who spend time posting on Mumsnet, nothing more.

Thus:

'I haven't experienced exactly that, so I have no concept of how it might be, will make no attempt to imagine (I have no emotional imagination). I will refuse to offer you sympathy or compassion, even when you tell me exactly what you need from me.'

'I would prefer to argue with you about your own feelings, to tell you what you ought to feel and how you should behave, according to my own compassionless lack of any relevant experience or insight.'

'Then I will get angry with you for daring to indicate, through your disappointment at my response, that I am indeed a compassionless, insular, emotional oaf.'

People who respond like this aren't really capable of conducting relationships. They're solipsists.

OP

If you get anything from this thread, maybe it’s that people can find it very difficult to understand grief and loss, even when, as on this thread, some people have taken the time to explain some of the impact of a similar loss.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and certainly no way not to feel vulnerable and raw at particular times.

I think it sounds as though, in your situation, you do just need to spell out why this month is difficult for you, and I hope this helps.

This might or might not help you, but the podcast ‘griefcast’ can be a good, but sometimes difficult listen.

@Lifeslooser

If I’m honest I don’t get it and I’m a very empathetic person. Probably because it didn’t/hasn’t happened to me so I don’t understand why a week would be pencilled in for sadness every year and what it would be that I’m expected to do. I’m not trying to be callous I just don’t see why so many years later this is a big thing and how you know your automatically going to be upset about it for a few days/week. Maybe he doesn’t get it too?

You're absolutely right, you don't get it and maybe you want to think again about your idea that you're an empathetic person. Either that or you're so young you've never had a major bereavement.

This idea that people who've been bereaved pencil in a week for sadness each year is insulting. I think for many people, particularly when it's an 'old' bereavement, the memories and feelings come up from the subconscious. I don't mark the time that my parents died on a calendar. I'd have to go and check old records to see what day exactly they died on. But each year, no matter how busy or distracted I am, those old memories surface from my subconscious. I find myself thinking of my parents more frequently, and with more emotion. My dad's death was a terrible shock: policemen at the door sort of thing. My mum's death was long, slow and something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. I'd love to forget a lot of what went on, but the subconscious mind and body remember even when the conscious part would prefer not to.

OP, I see you said that your DH's parents are still alive. I think that explains a lot. I've met people in their 60s who have never had a major bereavement and can't understand why others are affected by their losses. Then when their parents die they are devastated.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve,

...and yet those of us who have also suffered devastating losses, but have suggested to OP that she could manage the way she communicates with her husband in a better way, are being blamed for being insensitive and lacking compassion by the likes of @lottiegarbanzo

This whole sorry experience, as OP has acknowledged, doesn't need to happen next year, if she simply mentions to her DH shortly before the important date, that she is starting to struggle due to the impending anniversary.
It's her grief, so it's her responsibility to communicate her needs in time for him to be able to support her. And OP has very commendably listened and taken on board people's suggestions here.

I think you're both being unreasonable.

He should put a reminder in his phone.

But you should also say "I'm going to be a bit off the next couple of weeks because the anniversary of my mothers death is coming up".

You're both adults and you're both responsible for managing tricky situations.