DH never remembers painful anniversary

[SiliconDioxide79]

Will try to keep this concise. My DM died when I was 3 years old, the date was the start of Feb. Her birthday is a couple of days later. I have been with DH nearly 20 years. I really don’t expect him to remember the date, but it would be nice if he remembered that the start of Feb is a bit of a hard week for me. This year I have been doing quite a tough job and have had to work my day off covering for a lovely colleague who’s mum has died. This has made it a bit harder than usual for me. I have once on other years reminded him end of Jan that this week was coming up but then he still forgot! I don’t want to remind him. 2 days after the date we fell out over boring housework issues and I stupidly mentioned this. He felt bad but has continued to avoid me and has said that I should really only be angry / subdued for 1 day. Today it has all blown up and he said he feels like I am waiting to trip him up each year. I feel so sad that he would think I would do that. I really can’t bear to have to mention it. I just want him to understand maybe get a calendar or diary or ask a friend to remind him. He said he would remember if I would agree to go and visit her grave or do a family meal. I tried to explain I don’t want that. I just want him to roughly remember to be a bit more I understanding at the start of Feb. I don’t mention it to anyone, nobody wants to hear about such a sad and dated anniversary and I actually don’t really want to discuss it or make a fuss out of it. Equally I keep feeling like my DH (who is pretty good generally and a kind man except when he feels ashamed at which point he becomes defensive) really surely can remember
This if he wanted to. We had a row and he shouted “well it’s right after doing my tax return!!”

At which point I laughed and said yes that would genuinely be a good way to remember it. But he is furious with me. Argh. I have been silent since Monday, it’s true. But I have been struggling with it. Several
Years it has happened and I haven’t mentioned it. I get that dates are hard for some people. Why do I feel so resoundingly like the bad guy here though?

@Pluvia

She actually said this

I have been silent since Monday, it’s true.

[quote BitOutOfPractice]@Migrainesbythedozen I can honestly say that that is the coldest, unkindest and most horrible post I have read on MN for some time. And that is saying something. Absolutely horrifying.[/quote]
You can think that. That's ok. I do understand that. But I don't resile from anything I said. I am truly sorry if what I said hurt the OP or anyone else, that has never been my intention to knowingly hurt a soul. However there are times when indulging does nothing but keep the wound open, and you have to be 'cruel to be kind'. I feel for her but also feel for her husband and family who she has on eggshells. By her own admission, she wants to be reminded in order to wallow in the sadness. There is no attempt at personal growth or emotional healing. She actually wants people to remind her to be sad. I, my father, many others who lose parents don't actually want to be reminded of it, because it is worse. We want to grow and heal and adjust. You can't do that if you make the decision to wallow every year and even enlist your husband in it to enable you. No one heals in this way. What I said, actually needed to be said. And the OP needs to hear it, along with others on here who agree with me. I know you genuinely feel you are being kind and considerate, but any therapist will tell you that no good will come from this wallowing. Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind, so, hence my and others posts. We only have the best intentions towards the OP. And her husband.

You’re not being unreasonable for him to remember that the beginning of February is a difficult time for you. However, being “off” with him and/or giving him the silent treatment for days on end isn’t reasonable either. Neither is the fact your children may well pick up on this.

@Migrainesbythedozen have you got, or have you had, a three year old child? Can you imagine what impact your dying would have / would have had on your three year old?

Perhaps ponder on that and rethink whether you think the OP should just get over losing a stranger that she never really knew.

One point on quietness, silence even. Being sad and withdrawn is not the same thing as sulking.

Sulking is a deliberate manipulation, a tactic, used to provoke a desired response from another person. It's the same thing as a tantrum; just the opposite noise level.

Withdrawing is just that, removal of oneself from a situation. Something people do when sad, or overwhelmed.

OP, which are you doing?

I can see which your DH is doing. I've encountered his type.

I have noticed that people who are manipulative, who habitually use sulking as a tactic to get what they want, will assume that anyone being quiet is doing the same thing, sulking at them to get at them. They respond accordingly, affronted at being 'got at'. They interpret all quietness as a game-play in a conflict. Because that's what they're like - they assume other people are the same, as manipulative, as them.

The same type of person typically cannot bear being criticised. Even for things they've done obviously badly. Even when the criticism is constructive.

So, they will perceive quietness as sulking aka criticism of them. They respond by making the situation all about themselves and their affronted feelings. They seek to up the ante, use attack as the best form of defence (also seeking to deflect attention from whatever they think they're being criticised for), so focus on attacking the quiet person.

This is what OP's DH is doing to her.

Even though he knows because she's told him repeatedly, that she usually becomes a bit sad and withdrawn for a week in February. He knows it isn't about him. Yet he still chooses to punish her, as if it was.

And, he actively makes sure it is about him, to an extent, by failing to use a diary. So then he's forgotten, he's not responding appropriately, OP is upset by that - and he can award himself the prize of feeling criticised, which he hates but which also gives him permission (in his head) to punish her for daring to be critical. Thus it's war and he must win and that means squashing the other person.

That's not the behaviour of a nice person, or of a partner.

It's the behaviour of a solipsist who thinks he's the only one allowed feelings. And/or who knows he's very poor at understanding and responding to others' feelings - and perceives being reminded of this 'failing' as a criticism. Which he cannot bear, so...

@lottiegarbanzo

One point on quietness, silence even. Being sad and withdrawn is not the same thing as sulking.

Sulking is a deliberate manipulation, a tactic, used to provoke a desired response from another person. It's the same thing as a tantrum; just the opposite noise level.

Withdrawing is just that, removal of oneself from a situation. Something people do when sad, or overwhelmed.

OP, which are you doing?

I can see which your DH is doing. I've encountered his type.

I have noticed that people who are manipulative, who habitually use sulking as a tactic to get what they want, will assume that anyone being quiet is doing the same thing, sulking at them to get at them. They respond accordingly, affronted at being 'got at'. They interpret all quietness as a game-play in a conflict. Because that's what they're like - they assume other people are the same, as manipulative, as them.

The same type of person typically cannot bear being criticised. Even for things they've done obviously badly. Even when the criticism is constructive.

So, they will perceive quietness as sulking aka criticism of them. They respond by making the situation all about themselves and their affronted feelings. They seek to up the ante, use attack as the best form of defence (also seeking to deflect attention from whatever they think they're being criticised for), so focus on attacking the quiet person.

This is what OP's DH is doing to her.

Even though he knows because she's told him repeatedly, that she usually becomes a bit sad and withdrawn for a week in February. He knows it isn't about him. Yet he still chooses to punish her, as if it was.

And, he actively makes sure it is about him, to an extent, by failing to use a diary. So then he's forgotten, he's not responding appropriately, OP is upset by that - and he can award himself the prize of feeling criticised, which he hates but which also gives him permission (in his head) to punish her for daring to be critical. Thus it's war and he must win and that means squashing the other person.

That's not the behaviour of a nice person, or of a partner.

It's the behaviour of a solipsist who thinks he's the only one allowed feelings. And/or who knows he's very poor at understanding and responding to others' feelings - and perceives being reminded of this 'failing' as a criticism. Which he cannot bear, so...

Sorry but that's not remotely what the DH is doing at all.

I get your involvement in this thread but to ask the OP to clarify if she's withdrawn or sulking but then ask nothing about the DH and instead go on quite the character assassination is quite ludicrous.

This weekend is the anniversay of when my father died years ago. When I met DP I told him that it is always a day when I want to be quiet and feel the loss, He has not always remembered, and it is not his way of grieving, but he is kind about it. I think your DH is being insensitive, perhaps because he is on the spectrum and does not get it.
Write him a letter explaining in just a couple of sentences, that you would like him to be aware of your sense of loss at that time each year, and to recognise it when the time comes around, without you having to remind him. If he has it in black and white as it were he may be able to process the information better.

So I wonder OP, do you think he really forgets, is a bit disorganised generally about dates? So then he's cross with himself = upset at the feeling of criticism? Cue spiral into antagonism.

Or is he deliberately choosing not to remember this anniversary? So not allowing you to have emotional care and attention when he's not getting any?

Those are different things.

No, it's pattern recognition.

@Migrainesbythedozen
My father died as an older child. I think op had it harder than me. Op’s wound is more complex simply because she doesn’t remember her mum. Your father may have had to compartmentalise his trauma to survive the experience at the orphanage, this potentially being worse than the actual death. Due to the way we didn’t talk about death in the past, he may have accepted it easier, blocked it completely or hidden his grief from you.

Only those, who have lost a parent as a child and at a time when death was not discussed get how hard this was. We were often just expected to get on with it, never, comforted or cuddled, the dead parent never mentioned again. It really isn’t possible to get the loss of a parent whilst still a child unless you experience this loss. I expect my dd would imagine my father’s death didn’t affect me because I never speak of him over 30 years later. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I actually think you're being harsh TBH. I say this as someone who has very recently lost a sibling so I know how absolutely shitty it is.

But you have admitted yourself that you don't want to do anything to commemorate your mum, you don't want to talk to any one about it and you don't want anyone to make a fuss. But you still expect your DH to remember? What do you want him or expect him to do if you don't want to do anything or talk to anyone about it?

When it was the anniversary of my siblings death, DH sent me a text message asking how I was. But that was something he would do most days. I wouldn't have really expected him to do anything special.

I think the key is how to avoid this going forward. OP if it's hard to verbally communicate, could you perhaps decide on a different kind of signal?Maybe putting a picture of your Mum in a particular place or buying something that you wouldn't at other times. When your DH sees it, he is reminded without you having to say anything.

@Migrainesbythedozen, do you think your response might be influenced by having been parented by a father who was orphaned very young and raised in an institution? Do you think perhaps he had to learn to suppress and control his feelings and 'get over it' to survive? You seem to think that grief is an indulgence and that's the only way I can find your comments forgivable.

@ENoeuf thank you very much, yes exactly. I am surprised that a lot of people dismiss losing a parent before memories kick in as being a complete nothing. If I didn't have so many kind comments I would find it quite hard not to get upset by these. As it is I can brush them off but it is a bit shocking! And yes, in the 1980's there was no support emotionally at all. We had to make a mother's day card and then think of an Auntie or neighbour to give it to. That sucked!

@Migrainesbythedozen you have not hurt my feelings at all. I am gobsmacked by your views, that is all. You seem very sure of them, which is good for you. I always remember what is coming up each year, its not like I would forget and am needing him to remind me. I don't think I wallow. I'm just more reflective and not as jolly as usual. I actually think therapy does get you to examine traumatic experiences and the resulting behaviours very closely. You may consider this "wallowing" but it can be a way of coming to terms with things from the past. The thing is when you lose someone as a child, each new decade that you age brings a new way of looking at it and new milestones that need you to re-examine your life. I would really feel cared for if my DH just remembered that's why I'm not quite myself and didn't need to be reminded, that's all. I appreciate that this is a difficult one for him to remember for whatever reason, and I will try next year to remind him.

@MrsToadflax
That is a truly lovely idea!

Sorry but I don't understand how he could be like that? Your partner is meant to love & care about you, to have some empathy, to be upset if you're sad? You basically have every reason to be sad around this time of year & he's practically punishing you for it? Wtf. I couldn't do that to someone I loved

[quote SiliconDioxide79]@Migrainesbythedozen you have not hurt my feelings at all. I am gobsmacked by your views, that is all. You seem very sure of them, which is good for you. I always remember what is coming up each year, its not like I would forget and am needing him to remind me. I don't think I wallow. I'm just more reflective and not as jolly as usual. I actually think therapy does get you to examine traumatic experiences and the resulting behaviours very closely. You may consider this "wallowing" but it can be a way of coming to terms with things from the past. The thing is when you lose someone as a child, each new decade that you age brings a new way of looking at it and new milestones that need you to re-examine your life. I would really feel cared for if my DH just remembered that's why I'm not quite myself and didn't need to be reminded, that's all. I appreciate that this is a difficult one for him to remember for whatever reason, and I will try next year to remind him.[/quote]
OP, I am gobsmacked that you still don't get it. and I will try next year to remind him.

You really haven't listened to us, have you? We're trying to tell you to NOT remind him. To leave him alone. If you want to remember your mother, fine, but why do you need to make a big thing out of it including reminding your husband? Why do you need to remind him at all? Just keep your memories and thoughts to yourself, you don't need to tell him. I come from a therapy position, and it's obvious you haven't healed and are admitting you choose to not only keep the wound open every year, you want to get your husband in on it too. Why can't you deal with it in your own way, and not involve him?

@lottiegarbanzo he really does forget and I know he felt crap, but then when he feels crap he does get defensive. I appreciate your sticking up for me. I feel like we were both a bit crap TBH. We are both under a lot of pressure in our jobs and we both failed a bit here. But aspects of what you said in the other message rang a little bit true for DH's behaviour OCCASIONALLY. I know him to be a good person though. Both of us are. But we certainly have our moments where everything goes a bit wrong for a few days :-(

@Migrainesbythedozen
Your job is in therapy?
I am speechless!

I guess it takes all sorts. I will continue to think of my mum always, more so on her anniversaries. I will do it as I choose, and aim to have as harmonious a time as possible. Just forgetting such a pivotal event is not really possible, also I personally don't think that would be healthy. Quiet contemplation can be good for the soul. I'm pretty happy most of the time.

@Migrainesbythedozen @saraclara clearly during the first 3 years of your life you have an extremely deep and intense relationship with your mother. You do "know" her. She is ALL you know. Just because you then do not remember that does not mean it did not exist or shape you. For that central person then to not be there suddenly and for you to be too young to understand what has happened is pretty traumatising. @saraclara clearly has an understanding of this concept (thank you!!).

[quote SiliconDioxide79]@Migrainesbythedozen
Your job is in therapy?
I am speechless!

I guess it takes all sorts. I will continue to think of my mum always, more so on her anniversaries. I will do it as I choose, and aim to have as harmonious a time as possible. Just forgetting such a pivotal event is not really possible, also I personally don't think that would be healthy. Quiet contemplation can be good for the soul. I'm pretty happy most of the time.[/quote]
I never said my job was in therapy. But I have training in it and personal experience.

Quiet contemplation is what a few of us have been suggesting. No need to involve your husband at all. Hopefully you now get it. There is no reason why you can't contemplate on the date but your husband shouldn't have anything to do with it.
With that said, I'll hide this thread. Good luck and good wishes to you.

Anyway, I feel like I want to stop checking this post because I have lots to do. I really have found it all useful. Thank you for so many kind comments, good ideas, and also I am sorry so many others have had similar experiences. Those who really don't "get" it and think that because I have no memories, I should move on as doesn't really mean anything have definitely helped me to realise that is is a difficult one for many to fully understand. Which is actually very useful.

I'm glad some of the responses have been helpful OP. You have been very gracious throughout the whole thread with your responses to people.

@Kshhuxnxk

This won't go down well but I'm hopefully perhaps explaining how I would feel which may be the same as your DH. To me you were 3, hardly able to have any memories and it must be at least 30 years ago so yes although it's sad it seems a bit extreme to literally decide you're going to be sad for a week. You are of course entitled to your feelings however I wouldn't remember either, particularly as I'd never met her or even seen photos and heard of years of childhood memories with her so there is absolutely no connection. I would expect you to remind me also. Having said all that it does affect you and it's entirely your right to grieve and remember as you want to, just don't expect others to.

I agree.

I lost my mum in late summer - a good few years before I met my DH. For that reason I don't really like that time of the year and it can be hard around the anniversary of the actual date. But I would never expect DH to mourn with me. He's never met her. And it's been almost 15 years since she died. I prefer to make an effort to keep moving forwards and honour her memory without wallowing in sadness - and expecting others to keep me company there.

I understand grief is personal and complex, but something about what you're describing doesn't seem healthy or normal. It seems like you're a bit stuck in your grief to the point that it's impacting your relationships. Have you looked into bereavement counselling?