DH never remembers painful anniversary

[SiliconDioxide79]

Will try to keep this concise. My DM died when I was 3 years old, the date was the start of Feb. Her birthday is a couple of days later. I have been with DH nearly 20 years. I really don’t expect him to remember the date, but it would be nice if he remembered that the start of Feb is a bit of a hard week for me. This year I have been doing quite a tough job and have had to work my day off covering for a lovely colleague who’s mum has died. This has made it a bit harder than usual for me. I have once on other years reminded him end of Jan that this week was coming up but then he still forgot! I don’t want to remind him. 2 days after the date we fell out over boring housework issues and I stupidly mentioned this. He felt bad but has continued to avoid me and has said that I should really only be angry / subdued for 1 day. Today it has all blown up and he said he feels like I am waiting to trip him up each year. I feel so sad that he would think I would do that. I really can’t bear to have to mention it. I just want him to understand maybe get a calendar or diary or ask a friend to remind him. He said he would remember if I would agree to go and visit her grave or do a family meal. I tried to explain I don’t want that. I just want him to roughly remember to be a bit more I understanding at the start of Feb. I don’t mention it to anyone, nobody wants to hear about such a sad and dated anniversary and I actually don’t really want to discuss it or make a fuss out of it. Equally I keep feeling like my DH (who is pretty good generally and a kind man except when he feels ashamed at which point he becomes defensive) really surely can remember
This if he wanted to. We had a row and he shouted “well it’s right after doing my tax return!!”

At which point I laughed and said yes that would genuinely be a good way to remember it. But he is furious with me. Argh. I have been silent since Monday, it’s true. But I have been struggling with it. Several
Years it has happened and I haven’t mentioned it. I get that dates are hard for some people. Why do I feel so resoundingly like the bad guy here though?

I'm astounded by some of the ignorance displayed on this thread. Although in our completely grief illiterate society I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

My DD lost her dad when she was 2.5. As is expected, her grief develops as she grows. I don't know if she'll choose to mark the date of her dad's death but I'll be lead by her and will expect her spouse to be too. Late DH's mum died when he was young and he didn't want to mark it in any way, but he still found the day hard and I wanted to make sure I was extra patient and compassionate around that time so I put it in my calendar. Not exactly difficult.

Sorry OP. Parts of this thread must have been a tough read. You're not being unreasonable at all.

I come from a therapy position, and it's obvious you haven't healed and are admitting you choose to not only keep the wound open every year, you want to get your husband in on it too. Why can't you deal with it in your own way, and not involve him?

I really, really hope you are not working as a therapist. Your understanding of trauma and grief is completely illiterate, and not at all what would be advised by any reputable organisation helping children or adults deal with grief.

I’m not sure why you are posting, and I imagine that if I knew you off line I would not agree with you, but be able to compassionately understand why your understanding of grief is flawed.

However, I think some of the things you are posting are hurtful and possibly harmful, and I think it needs to be recognised that you are badly informed.

Grief of the kind the OP has experienced is not something you get over, it is something you learn to live with. It may be difficult to deal with that in a relationship, and the OP has been offered advice on that.

However It is not ‘indulgent’ or wrong for the OP to still experience loss and grief.

Some of the posts on this thread from people who have never lost a parent as a child are just awful.

I lost my dad when I was 13, 26 years ago. I don't expect my DH to remember the anniversary. I always put a post on FB remembering my dad and he always 'likes' it, but we don't really talk about it as being a day for me to 'grieve.' It really is just like a normal day for me now. I can't imagine feeling as though I needed days or weeks to feel sad around that time. Grief can hit at various times of the year (Christmas, my birthday, other special occasions) so it isn't restricted to his anniversary, but I don't make a big deal of it.

Having said that, the magnitude of losing a parent as a young child/teen cannot and should not be underestimated. It is a traumatic life experience and some of the posts on this thread from people who have never lost a parent as a child, and therefore cannot possibly comprehend what it's like, are completely inappropriate.

Some posters really don't seem to realise that grief affects everyone differently and there is no right or wrong.

Both my parents died last year, very close to each other. I have 2 sisters and we are lucky that, as we are all in our 60's, we had our lovely parents around for a long time.

We have all reacted very differently to our loss. It has really surprised me just how differently.

I know, obviously, it's been such a short time compared with OP but I have had comments (from supposed friends) that I should be over it as my parents were elderly and were around for me for so long. One "friend" said that me 3 weeks after they had died

Other people's experiences are entirely irrelevant. The point is grief is a deeply personal experience and how it impacts on us can change in different ways throughout different phases of life.

I never said my job was in therapy.

This comes as a huge relief.

My DH struggles to remember but my mum died when I was 8 so long before I knew him. It's not personal it's just less tangible to him.

A few years ago my DMIL died (she was amazing). She died the same month as my Mum. Both of their birthdays were in the same month as they died. So all 4 anniversaries in one month. It's a sad, reflective month. We try and find the joy though.

@Lifeslooser

If I’m honest I don’t get it and I’m a very empathetic person. Probably because it didn’t/hasn’t happened to me so I don’t understand why a week would be pencilled in for sadness every year and what it would be that I’m expected to do. I’m not trying to be callous I just don’t see why so many years later this is a big thing and how you know your automatically going to be upset about it for a few days/week. Maybe he doesn’t get it too?

Só true.

OP, I am sympathetic as I know how hard it is to lose a parent at a young age (my dad died suddenly when I was 11, he was only 47)

But, in the nicest way possible, you need to get over it. It isn't healthy to spend the anniversary, every year, being sad and taking it out on your DH because he didn't remember the date a woman, who he never knew, died on

It's tragic, and unfair and of course sad that she died so young when you were only a toddler, but you really do need to move on. Instead of spending the day sad, why not do something nice with DH instead?

And stop punishing him for something he didn't do. You can't expect him to feel the way you do, she wasn't his mum

The silent treatment is abusive. It's just not OK. Stop punishing him for not reacting how you think he should to a loss that isn't his.