DH never remembers painful anniversary

[SiliconDioxide79]

Will try to keep this concise. My DM died when I was 3 years old, the date was the start of Feb. Her birthday is a couple of days later. I have been with DH nearly 20 years. I really don’t expect him to remember the date, but it would be nice if he remembered that the start of Feb is a bit of a hard week for me. This year I have been doing quite a tough job and have had to work my day off covering for a lovely colleague who’s mum has died. This has made it a bit harder than usual for me. I have once on other years reminded him end of Jan that this week was coming up but then he still forgot! I don’t want to remind him. 2 days after the date we fell out over boring housework issues and I stupidly mentioned this. He felt bad but has continued to avoid me and has said that I should really only be angry / subdued for 1 day. Today it has all blown up and he said he feels like I am waiting to trip him up each year. I feel so sad that he would think I would do that. I really can’t bear to have to mention it. I just want him to understand maybe get a calendar or diary or ask a friend to remind him. He said he would remember if I would agree to go and visit her grave or do a family meal. I tried to explain I don’t want that. I just want him to roughly remember to be a bit more I understanding at the start of Feb. I don’t mention it to anyone, nobody wants to hear about such a sad and dated anniversary and I actually don’t really want to discuss it or make a fuss out of it. Equally I keep feeling like my DH (who is pretty good generally and a kind man except when he feels ashamed at which point he becomes defensive) really surely can remember
This if he wanted to. We had a row and he shouted “well it’s right after doing my tax return!!”

At which point I laughed and said yes that would genuinely be a good way to remember it. But he is furious with me. Argh. I have been silent since Monday, it’s true. But I have been struggling with it. Several
Years it has happened and I haven’t mentioned it. I get that dates are hard for some people. Why do I feel so resoundingly like the bad guy here though?

@WTF475878237NC

It's like it's not on his radar at all then really.

This is hardly surprising as this happened when the OP was 3 years old ! It's not as if it was 3 years ago. I know that some people place a great significance on dates but the reality here is that her mother is probably someone she doesn't even remember. Sorry @SiliconDioxide79 but I think you need to try to reconcile with this and make your present and future work for you.

@Kshhuxnxk

This won't go down well but I'm hopefully perhaps explaining how I would feel which may be the same as your DH. To me you were 3, hardly able to have any memories and it must be at least 30 years ago so yes although it's sad it seems a bit extreme to literally decide you're going to be sad for a week. You are of course entitled to your feelings however I wouldn't remember either, particularly as I'd never met her or even seen photos and heard of years of childhood memories with her so there is absolutely no connection. I would expect you to remind me also. Having said all that it does affect you and it's entirely your right to grieve and remember as you want to, just don't expect others to.

Agreed. OP, she was basically a stranger to you. You didn't know her. I'm not sure why you'd feel sad, let alone depressed. I think you are wanting yourself to feel depressed and wallow in it. I wouldn't have time for it if I were him, he is more patient with you than I would be. I am surprised you even remember the date. I think it's well past time to forget it. It sounds like you actually will yourself to be sad. I wouldn't expect you to remember the date let alone him. It's nothing to him. He never met her. Neither did you really. If you lost her when you were a teenager or something I'd understand, but she was basically someone you never really knew. You are being massively unreasonable and very selfish, and I think you owe him a massive apology. And pull up your pants and forget the date and rejoice in the life you have now with your husband. Before you lose him.

@Kshhuxnxk

This won't go down well but I'm hopefully perhaps explaining how I would feel which may be the same as your DH. To me you were 3, hardly able to have any memories and it must be at least 30 years ago so yes although it's sad it seems a bit extreme to literally decide you're going to be sad for a week. You are of course entitled to your feelings however I wouldn't remember either, particularly as I'd never met her or even seen photos and heard of years of childhood memories with her so there is absolutely no connection. I would expect you to remind me also. Having said all that it does affect you and it's entirely your right to grieve and remember as you want to, just don't expect others to.

Totally agree.

Jeeze @Migrainesbythedozen, that's the most stunningly unempathetic response I think I've ever seen.

While OP's grief response differs from mine, I can absolutely understand that her grief is about something she has missed for most of her life. And losing one's mother at three years old has to have damaged her emotionally at such an impressionable age, even if she can't recall it.

I find it extremely odd that you can't even imagine that and would be so dismissive.

@D0lphine

I think you're both being unreasonable.

He should put a reminder in his phone.

But you should also say "I'm going to be a bit off the next couple of weeks because the anniversary of my mothers death is coming up".

You're both adults and you're both responsible for managing tricky situations.

But who can afford to go through this for two weeks every year? "I'm going to be a bit off the next couple of weeks because the anniversary of my mothers death is coming up". For someone she never knew? It's absolute self indulgence. So he's got to walk on eggshells for 2 weeks, every year, for a total stranger to them both. He shouldn't put a reminder for a stranger on his phone, she needs to stop being so self absorbed and unreasonable. She can't expect him to put his life on hold and walk on eggshells for 2 weeks every year for a total stranger. She needs to forget the date and get on with her life with her husband. She never even knew this woman. Neither did he.

@saraclara

Jeeze *@Migrainesbythedozen*, that's the most stunningly unempathetic response I think I've ever seen.

While OP's grief response differs from mine, I can absolutely understand that her grief is about something she has missed for most of her life. And losing one's mother at three years old has to have damaged her emotionally at such an impressionable age, even if she can't recall it.

I find it extremely odd that you can't even imagine that and would be so dismissive.

I think her grief, over someone she never knew, is massively out of proportion. And when it starts affecting her spouse, she really needs to have a long think about how she approaches this. What she is doing to her spouse is not fair.

I've lost a parent. My father was also an orphan at a very young age and grew up in an orphanage. So I understand. But she is acting like she lost her mother only 3 years ago. Shutting down for 2 weeks a year just is not healthy, neither is expecting your partner to walk on eggshells. That's all I'm trying to say.

Migrainesbythedozen I assume you are in the fortunate position not to have experienced what the OP has.

Childhood trauma is not something that disappears because it is ‘forgotten’, a household does not magically reset after a brief period of mourning when the members are experiencing traumatic grief. The impact of loss does not magically disappear.

People have had different opinions about how the OP should talk to her DH, but your understanding of bereavement and loss is just plain wrong.

Shutting down for 2 weeks a year just is not healthy, neither is expecting your partner to walk on eggshells.

She didn’t say she shuts down.

She said she finds things more difficult.

[quote SiliconDioxide79]@wingscrow Thank you for your response. TO be clear, to you and everyone who seems to think that I expect him to feel the same level of grief as me.. Of course I don't! I have made it clear to him that it would mean the world if he just said "Feb coming up, that's a bit rubbish for you". That really is all I would like. It is hard to issue a reminder but I do take on board that this would obviously help. I got put off doing that because I actually did mention it a few days before one year and he still totally forgot. I'm not expecting to be treated like a princess. Just a tiny bit of acknowledgement really.[/quote]
Am only just getting around to reading all your posts.

"Feb coming up, that's a bit rubbish for you".

But why do you want him to even say that? What do you get out of it? So basically you want him to remind you, deliberately, so you can feel sad. That is what I mean by self indulgent. If I were him I wouldn't mention it at all because I wouldn't want to stir up sad feelings. It seems by your own admission, you are deliberately wanting to wallow and you want him to remind you to wallow. That's weird. You should be telling him to not remind you, and to carry on as normal.

Even if he can't remember the exact date it is hardly difficult to remember the anniversary is at the beginning of February EVERY year is it?

I think it is pathetic that (mainly men) "forget" important dates. If you care about someone you remember dates that are important for them

People who haven’t experienced it posting here seem completely unaware of how traumatic childhood bereavement is and how therapy and appropriate responses just did not exist until fairly recently. My parent died when I was a young teen and it has impacted by entire life. The grief of losing him, of dealing with other peoples parents, of now having to express sympathy when someone’s dad died after a lively long life watching their child grow up - all of this makes childhood bereavement complex and irrational and painful. It’s not too much to ask your dh to remember this is a tough time for you. Mine does.

For someone she never knew? It's absolute self indulgence.

Please, think a bit.

Do you think her mother wasn’t a presence in the house after she died? Do you think other family members weren’t dealing with the trauma for a very long time? Do you not understand what it’s like growing up seeing other people’s relationship with their parents and feeling a sense of loss? What it’s like to go through significant life events and feel their absence?

Having read your post about your father growing up in an orphanage, some people do try to plaster over pain and trauma and pretend it doesn’t exist, but that isn’t a better way to grieve.

The extremes on this thread are quite something.

@lottiegarbanzo many PPs, including me, don't understand what the OP wants from her DH. At first she said that she didn’t want to discuss or mark it in any way. It makes no sense to suggest he should raise it when the OP has said she doesn't want to discuss it. Then the OP clarified what she needed: very specifically that he should say in advance that he knows the anniversary is coming and that she is likely to be upset. That's very prescriptive, but I guess he could set a reminder to follow the OP's script for the sake of her feelings. That would seem hollow to me but each to their own. I wonder if OP has communicated those very particular needs to DH, because he may just be like many here and confused about what she wants.

@Migrainesbythedozen what a heartless post. I think you must be a troll because surely nobody is so obtuse and lacking in compassion that they believe people shouldn't be bothered by the loss of their mother before getting a chance to know her.

@merrymouse

Shutting down for 2 weeks a year just is not healthy, neither is expecting your partner to walk on eggshells.

She didn’t say she shuts down.

She said she finds things more difficult.

She did say this:

I have been silent since Monday, it’s true.

Which is a bit more than finding things difficult. She's not spoken to him for nearly a week.

@Kshhuxnxk

This won't go down well but I'm hopefully perhaps explaining how I would feel which may be the same as your DH. To me you were 3, hardly able to have any memories and it must be at least 30 years ago so yes although it's sad it seems a bit extreme to literally decide you're going to be sad for a week. You are of course entitled to your feelings however I wouldn't remember either, particularly as I'd never met her or even seen photos and heard of years of childhood memories with her so there is absolutely no connection. I would expect you to remind me also. Having said all that it does affect you and it's entirely your right to grieve and remember as you want to, just don't expect others to.

Absolutely agree with this. My mum's dad died from a perforated ulcer when she was about six or seven, and it caused she and her mum immense hardship (although, as she says, it was just after WW2 and an awful lot of little girls didn't have their dads, growing up). I feel desperately sad for the little girl she was, but I have no idea when he died - not the month, certainly not the week, and I'm not even 100% of the year. It's not something even she seems to commemorate, and I'm afraid I think it's downright odd for you to give your husband a week's worth of silent treatment for failing to remember the anniversary of the death of a woman he never met, and whose death massively predates his involvement in your life. It does indeed feel, not like an 'organicM sadness, but rather a decision for you to be sad for a week. I feel for him.

The silent treatment is pathetic and borderline abusive. If the sexes were reversed and it was a man refusing to speak to his wife for not making a big deal about this he would be given such a bollocking.

@bangaverage

The silent treatment is pathetic and borderline abusive. If the sexes were reversed and it was a man refusing to speak to his wife for not making a big deal about this he would be given such a bollocking.

Yes, I was thinking it was borderline emotionally abusive of the OP, but since I am getting enough heat for simply stating she is wrong, I was too chicken to say that. It does seem somewhat emotionally abusive of her, glad someone else said what I was thinking.

www.winstonswish.org/adults-bereaved-as-children/

Op you may find some comfort and understanding here

@Kshhuxnxk

I do agree, we are all different but with so much time passed ... I'm wondering if counselling would help actually. You were very small and I'm wondering if you could do with help.

It's not that others are insensitive really, we nearly all have had significant bereavements by the time we reach our 30's and 40's and most don't have the same reaction as you, (loosing a child is obviously different or if it's recent 30 + years is a long time)

...and yet those of us who have also suffered devastating losses, but have suggested to OP that she could manage the way she communicates with her husband in a better way, are being blamed for being insensitive and lacking compassion by the likes of @lottiegarbanzo**

No you aren't @saraclara No you aren't.

Discussing communications styles in a constructive, sympathetic way is one thing.

Telling the OP what to feel, how to grieve and, worst of all, that she doesn't deserve to grieve at all, because the specifics of her loss don't meet the exacting criteria of posters with all the emotional sensitivity, insight and empathy of a potato, is quite another.

There are some interesting and potentially helpful perspectives on the thread. There are also some nasty fuckers.

@bangaverage

The silent treatment is pathetic and borderline abusive. If the sexes were reversed and it was a man refusing to speak to his wife for not making a big deal about this he would be given such a bollocking.

I agree

It's was 20 years ago - whilst I imagine it's incredibly painful losing a parent at that age - you were 3

I would feel like your DH that you are almost lying in wait each year for him to forget so you can hold it against him

@Migrainesbythedozen I can honestly say that that is the coldest, unkindest and most horrible post I have read on MN for some time. And that is saying something. Absolutely horrifying.

The lack of understanding of the impact of childhood bereavement in the context of ‘but it’s been 30 years! Get over it! You never knew her!’ comments is staggering. @SiliconDioxide79 I’m hiding this thread now as it’s too depressing but I hope you see my link posted earlier.

@Migrainesbythedozen

I've lost a parent. My father was also an orphan at a very young age and grew up in an orphanage. So I understand. But she is acting like she lost her mother only 3 years ago. Shutting down for 2 weeks a year just is not healthy, neither is expecting your partner to walk on eggshells. That's all I'm trying to say.

She's not shutting down for a fortnight. She's already said that she's think-skinned and she's not able to be as positive and cheerful as she is normally — and that's it. You're projecting onto her, and you're not the only one to do it.

This has been a really revealing thread. And not in a good way.