DH never remembers painful anniversary

[SiliconDioxide79]

Will try to keep this concise. My DM died when I was 3 years old, the date was the start of Feb. Her birthday is a couple of days later. I have been with DH nearly 20 years. I really don’t expect him to remember the date, but it would be nice if he remembered that the start of Feb is a bit of a hard week for me. This year I have been doing quite a tough job and have had to work my day off covering for a lovely colleague who’s mum has died. This has made it a bit harder than usual for me. I have once on other years reminded him end of Jan that this week was coming up but then he still forgot! I don’t want to remind him. 2 days after the date we fell out over boring housework issues and I stupidly mentioned this. He felt bad but has continued to avoid me and has said that I should really only be angry / subdued for 1 day. Today it has all blown up and he said he feels like I am waiting to trip him up each year. I feel so sad that he would think I would do that. I really can’t bear to have to mention it. I just want him to understand maybe get a calendar or diary or ask a friend to remind him. He said he would remember if I would agree to go and visit her grave or do a family meal. I tried to explain I don’t want that. I just want him to roughly remember to be a bit more I understanding at the start of Feb. I don’t mention it to anyone, nobody wants to hear about such a sad and dated anniversary and I actually don’t really want to discuss it or make a fuss out of it. Equally I keep feeling like my DH (who is pretty good generally and a kind man except when he feels ashamed at which point he becomes defensive) really surely can remember
This if he wanted to. We had a row and he shouted “well it’s right after doing my tax return!!”

At which point I laughed and said yes that would genuinely be a good way to remember it. But he is furious with me. Argh. I have been silent since Monday, it’s true. But I have been struggling with it. Several
Years it has happened and I haven’t mentioned it. I get that dates are hard for some people. Why do I feel so resoundingly like the bad guy here though?

Op I lost my dad when I was 4, no memories of him at all. And I found his body so I'm glad of that. My mom died 21 years ago. I have never expected my dh to remember the dates. But I do tell him on the anniversary of my moms death, and he gives me a hug etc. but no I don't expect him to remember at all. It's my grief not his. I'm setting him up for a fall expecting him to remember. I'd rather just mention it on the day and accept his comfort

@Pluvia thank you for your kind comment, and I am sorry to hear of your similar experience. Yes it’s just a general not being quite as resilient or cheerful, I think. I am glad that overall you have a good partner. All the best

I understand wanting him to remember OP but I also do think you're being unfair.

My partner and I both lost our Dad's when we were 20, I know that my Partner thinks about his dad on the anniversary of his death which was 10 years ago now but you would never know it to look at him and he will briefly mention it but that's it.

I find the anniversary of my Dad's death hard, not so much because of him dying but we had a complicated relationship, he was abusive and made my childhood hell, I get sad round about his death because it makes me think about my childhood and that brings up bad feelings.
However, I don't think that me being down for a few days/a week round about that should affect anyone else.

I may be wrong here but not talking to your Husband since Monday because he's not remembered the date or week sounds as though you feel you're justified in being short/sulking etc during that week because you're sad. It's okay to feel withdrawn and we all cope with our emotions differently, however, I don't think it's fair to blame him or take it out on him. It's unfair to expect him to know every year that he's to walk on eggshells for that week. I much prefer when my Partner acts normal round about my Dad's death and tries to keep me positive as he normally always does. People react to things such as grief differently and his way of dealing is different from yours.

And to all those burbling on about grief counselling and therapy, I don't need therapy and I don't suppose the OP does either. I've been through it all and out the other side and I don't need any of you implying that I shouldn't be remembering, let alone feeling the loss of, my lovely mum who died far too young.

@forlornlorna that sounds very traumatic for you, I am so sorry. I KNOW I need to mention it, and I also know I am not “setting him up to fail”…I just genuinely find it a difficult thing to bring up and try to just plod on keeping it to myself. Most years it works fine, just not this year. Take care and thank you

@StopFeckingFaffing

Sorry but I'm not sure it is reasonable to expect him to know. Some people place a lot of importance on anniversaries and dates but others don't.

I feel a bit embarrassed to admit that I have no idea what date my MIL died, or the date of her birthday. She died when DH was a child so I never met her. DH is not someone who places importance on dates but that doesn't mean he loved his Mum any less.

I don't remember (and couldn't tell you what it is even now) the date that my own husband died. I didn't take it in at the time (time meant nothing when I was nursing him over those last few months) and even when I'm made aware of it, it doesn't have an effect on me. The date simply didn't matter and still doesn't.

I don't really 'do' anniversaries, and I certainly wouldn't choose to remember sad ones. I'm also absent minded, so I find it highly unlikely that I'd remember the date that someone I never knew, died.

I'm sorry, but if you want him to recognise your stress on that date, you need to remind him when it's coming up. Not just give him the silent treatment when he forgets.

It sounds like you have earmarked the month of February as a dedicated time for mourning
As a tribute & self flagellation to honour your mother's memory
That you want to be treated carefully & comforted during this month
Like the mothering care & comfort you missed out on as a child
I think you would be better off using the month of February
To spend time with people who actually knew your mother
Rather than placing expectations upon your partner to provide this level of emotional support

For me personally I could not handle a partner who was lashing out at me & giving the silent treatment
For not showing enough care or consideration that their parent died when they were 3 years old
Expecting me to behave in a different way because this is the month they died
I would prefer to be the person who I made laugh - try to help them not dwell in the pain & enjoy the present moment
But admittedly don't even like when adults make a fuss on their birthday
Dislike when people set aside a specific day/time that must be all about them

I don't see that this as grief - see it as controlling behaviour

@Pluvia

And to all those burbling on about grief counselling and therapy, I don't need therapy and I don't suppose the OP does either. I've been through it all and out the other side and I don't need any of you implying that I shouldn't be remembering, let alone feeling the loss of, my lovely mum who died far too young.

No-one has said that Pluvia. Not a single poster. And you may want to remember that you're addressing posters who have also lost their mums. There's no need to be rude and there's no need to try to turn a support thread into an argument.

I think you are being unfair too. I'm
Really really sorry that your mother died when you were so young but I don't think it's reasonable for you to sulk if your husband doesn't remember. It does feel a bit like a test.

If you are feeling down and need some support then just tell him.

Hopefully it will be years and years before my Mum dies but I know I will be devastated - I do understand why you feel so sad about it but I think it's a personal thing really.

I think you might be being a bit harsh on your OH, but I also totally understand. My mum died when I was a child too. Some years I barely even notice her birthday or the anniversary of her death, other times it really upsets me. But if I want to have a cry or spend all day in bed because of it, I will talk to my husband and say "just so you know, this is why I'm sad." I don't expect him to remember dates - but I do expect him to have some empathy once I've told him. And he does give me space, comforts me, asks me if I want to talk, brings me chocolate and hot drinks on those days when the grief is raw. He never knew her, so I don't expect him to remember, and because some years it easy and some years it is hard there's no consistency there for him to get used to and to remind him that certain days might be hard. My Aunty though - she always messages me on those days to see how I'm doing and we sometimes sit and chat about my mum. Because we both lost a member of our family that day and so we support each other through that. We can't always get everything we need from our partners, and while yes he should def be supportive and kind to you once he knows how you feel, I don't think he should be setting reminders in his calendar. You just need to communicate your needs and not expect him to read your mind. And maybe there's a member of your family who loved your mum too that you could talk to for support, instead of relying wholly on your DH to get what you need.

Sorry for any memories that have been stirred up in others who had a similar experience.

I feel like we both handled this week badly and it has been helpful to hear both sides although some responses have been bordering on a bit robust! I don’t expect a fuss at all. I have had counselling and it has been helpful up to a point. But this issue isn’t really to do with that. Fingers crossed we will sort it out and move on. And deal with it better next year. I am not really a regular on here and I appreciate the discussion and the way it has made me look at the issue from different viewpoints and hearing about how people deal with things so differently. I’m not really a sulker which is why it has been such a terrible week!

It is sad for you yes. But after all this time I dont think you can expect him to share in your grief.

I hear you OP. My dad died when I was 3, and over 40 yrs on it still gets me on the anniversary of his death.

I don't think people can ever understand what it feels like to lose a parent when you're under 5 unless they experience it.

It's not just the loss, it's the fact you never really knew that parent, you've only got borrowed memories from others. You grieve the life you should have had. You grieve the person you wish you'd know, but never had the chance to. You mourn the crappy life that took its place and know how much better it probably would have been, even if they were alive (sounds like we had similar experiences after the parents death)

My ex used to forget these dates. I lost my mum 10yrs into our marriage, and he forgot that date the following 3 years, even though every year it caused an argument. Dates were never important to him, he never wanted to do things for the kids birthdays as they were just another day. My birthday...I gave up expecting anything nice.

I concluded he wasn't going to change, and as a result, I dealt with it myself. Kept to myself and didn't bother seeking emotional support from him. Only got cross if he suggested we did something he wanted to do on those dates (frequent). You can't change him, but you can change you. Men are very selfish creatures and something like this wouldn't feature in his radar from one year to the next sadly.

@blackdumpling

It sounds like you have earmarked the month of February as a dedicated time for mourning As a tribute & self flagellation to honour your mother's memory That you want to be treated carefully & comforted during this month Like the mothering care & comfort you missed out on as a child I think you would be better off using the month of February To spend time with people who actually knew your mother Rather than placing expectations upon your partner to provide this level of emotional support

For me personally I could not handle a partner who was lashing out at me & giving the silent treatment
For not showing enough care or consideration that their parent died when they were 3 years old
Expecting me to behave in a different way because this is the month they died
I would prefer to be the person who I made laugh - try to help them not dwell in the pain & enjoy the present moment
But admittedly don't even like when adults make a fuss on their birthday
Dislike when people set aside a specific day/time that must be all about them

I don't see that this as grief - see it as controlling behaviour

What a load of crap - I suggest you re-read the OP and her subsequent posts. OP has said I have made it clear to him that it would mean the world if he just said "Feb coming up, that's a bit rubbish for you". That really is all I would like. No the OP has not earmarked the whole month for self-flagellation, no she isn't requiring a 'level of emotional support', no it isn't controlling behaviour. Sometimes I despair of MN. Sorry OP

@shepabear thank you
Yes I agree it is very random how it can be different on different years. Thank you for what you said. Sounds like a better way

I think it's reasonable for you to still struggle that time of year. but why not just let DH know as you realise that time is coming up, rather than setting him some kind of test to see if he remembers?!

@SiliconDioxide79 don't be hard on yourself, grief is hard and there's no guide book for it. I couldn't communicate my needs to my husband very well at all up until a couple of years ago after seeing a therapist. Now I'm more upfront and honest about what I need and it's much easier and we have a lot less arguments.

@GreenTeaPingPong thank you. I feel a bit shocked. I’m pretty thick skinned (this post aside!) but it does concern me that if someone really vulnerable posted it could really mess them up to read responses like this. I am more interested than upset and feel like overall in my rather low moment I have been offered some support and also good suggestions and kindness even from those who think I have been a bit of a prat! I appreciate you pointing this out. People don’t always scroll back through, but I think if they are going to say something so strongly worded they should be more sure of the whole story. @blackdumpling be a bit kinder!!

That good that you have been open to listening to other peoples views on this - Although I guess that's why you started the thread. It sounds like you've both not dealt with things well, no one is perfect and these thing happen 🤷🏻‍♀️
I hope you are able to have a chat with your husband and can put it behind you, then you can concentrate on your grieving.

It must be really hard to grieve when the person you are grieving died when you were so young. It's just such a sad thing to have happened.

Do you have any thing in particular that you do to remember your Mum each year? Would planning something like a meal or a walk or something each year help focus your grief. Maybe you already do that though.

@LorelaiDeservedBetter
OP; I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I really think you need some kind of counselling or therapy. Carrying this around with you for thirty years then lashing out at people who don't remember 'your painful anniversary' just isn't healthy.

It sounds like you have earmarked the month of February as a dedicated time for mourning.
As a tribute & self flagellation to honour your mother's memory

To me you were 3, hardly able to have any memories and it must be at least 30 years ago so yes although it's sad it seems a bit extreme to literally decide you're going to be sad for a week.

Not trying to pick a fight, just stunned by the fatuousness of comments such as those above.

@Pluvia haha it’s just that people can comprehend it! They really can’t. Thanks for calling out these comments though. I just think that people don’t think of the true impact of such an event, and why would they? Goodnight!

@wingscrow

This is probably going to sound harsh to you but I don't blame your partner for not wanting to live in the past to that extent...

You were 3 years old when your mother died. It must have been difficult to grow up without a parent but you are now a grown woman with a family of your own.

I wonder if the point is that you have still somehow not come to term with your loss and you are projecting this on to your husband which frankly is not fair on him...

He has never met your mother and you cannot expect him to feel the same level of grief that you do. It is not clear ever as to what you want him to do.

I would seriously consider talking to a counsellor because if this is affecting you to that extent after so many years, it just isn't healthy. You need to find ways to deal with your feelings somehow and address whatever it is that you have still not dealt with.

I personally would struggle with a partner who behaves the way you do and who would give me the silent treatment for a week.

Your husband has made a very good point: if you were clear about wanting him to accompany you to the grave and pay your respect, he would know what to do and would be there for you. As it is there seems to be no clear indication as to what you expect from him.

I think you are blaming your partner to avoid dealing with the root cause of your issues.

I agree with this post by @wingscrow.

The fact is we will each have painful anniversaries as we go through life but if you live in the past and expect your DH to have to make diary notes to be sad or to act in a certain way because of your sadness, you're spoiling the relationship. And it sounds quite controlling.

Life is for the living. I bet you anything your mother would not want you going through this every year on her account nor take things out on your husband.

You sound quite attention-seeking I'm afraid.

I haven't experienced the same loss but would be ok with supporting my partner and being gentle with them if they needed it, every year. Please remind him, OP. It doesn't really matter how others deal with their losses, you struggle at that time.

I used to mark every date and every year a bit like @Purplependant222 said after my dad died in relation to what he’d missed out on. He died when I was a child so also missed all of the milestones in my life from O level results to my degree, marriage and becoming a parent myself.

I was much older than you and it must be very distressing not to remember your mum. My dad was a total workaholic and I didn’t have a terribly happy childhood. Although he was there, I didn’t really know him. And he didn’t really know me either. Not as my dd knows her dad for example. I have so many blanks in my memories. It’s not the same, but I do get it to some extent.

I do agree with people saying you’re setting your dh up for failure. I had counselling after my dad’s death. Then more, then more until finally I found a decent therapist, who set me free. As a result, I no longer painfully lament over what was lost for that is not my burden to carry. Neither is it my dh’s.

From what you have said, I would be concerned at the effect this is having on your children. Trans generational trauma is very real and was passed down from my mother to me. I, of course, bought into the trauma as a child and as an adult into my 40s until I had decent therapy. So for this alone, I would urge you to get some therapy to get past where you are right now so as not want to pass this pain and burden onto your children.

What therapy did for me was to allow me to parent myself. I healed me by being the mum to me I needed. Perhaps you can do this too and this will enable you to live your life the way your mum would have wanted.

I know some posts have been very harsh. Do try to take the learning from them when you are ready. As someone, who was at the receiving end of an emotionally fragile and damaged attention-seeking parent, I felt very controlled. And still do now. I imagine this would not be something you would want to pass on to your children.

@Kshhuxnxk

This won't go down well but I'm hopefully perhaps explaining how I would feel which may be the same as your DH. To me you were 3, hardly able to have any memories and it must be at least 30 years ago so yes although it's sad it seems a bit extreme to literally decide you're going to be sad for a week. You are of course entitled to your feelings however I wouldn't remember either, particularly as I'd never met her or even seen photos and heard of years of childhood memories with her so there is absolutely no connection. I would expect you to remind me also. Having said all that it does affect you and it's entirely your right to grieve and remember as you want to, just don't expect others to.

I would think the exact opposite.

Many people lose their mothers but very few lose them at such a young age and often when a child has lost their mother at a young age it shapes the person massively or there will have been a lot of knock on effects during childhood/growing up and into adulthood all through the developmental years.

It is potentially a very extreme trauma, more so than if someone lost their parent as an adult.