DH never remembers painful anniversary

[SiliconDioxide79]

Will try to keep this concise. My DM died when I was 3 years old, the date was the start of Feb. Her birthday is a couple of days later. I have been with DH nearly 20 years. I really don’t expect him to remember the date, but it would be nice if he remembered that the start of Feb is a bit of a hard week for me. This year I have been doing quite a tough job and have had to work my day off covering for a lovely colleague who’s mum has died. This has made it a bit harder than usual for me. I have once on other years reminded him end of Jan that this week was coming up but then he still forgot! I don’t want to remind him. 2 days after the date we fell out over boring housework issues and I stupidly mentioned this. He felt bad but has continued to avoid me and has said that I should really only be angry / subdued for 1 day. Today it has all blown up and he said he feels like I am waiting to trip him up each year. I feel so sad that he would think I would do that. I really can’t bear to have to mention it. I just want him to understand maybe get a calendar or diary or ask a friend to remind him. He said he would remember if I would agree to go and visit her grave or do a family meal. I tried to explain I don’t want that. I just want him to roughly remember to be a bit more I understanding at the start of Feb. I don’t mention it to anyone, nobody wants to hear about such a sad and dated anniversary and I actually don’t really want to discuss it or make a fuss out of it. Equally I keep feeling like my DH (who is pretty good generally and a kind man except when he feels ashamed at which point he becomes defensive) really surely can remember
This if he wanted to. We had a row and he shouted “well it’s right after doing my tax return!!”

At which point I laughed and said yes that would genuinely be a good way to remember it. But he is furious with me. Argh. I have been silent since Monday, it’s true. But I have been struggling with it. Several
Years it has happened and I haven’t mentioned it. I get that dates are hard for some people. Why do I feel so resoundingly like the bad guy here though?

@SpikeySmooth

I don't know the exact date of my MiL's passing (she died before I came on the scene) but I know it's in April and will ask DH if he wants me to buy flowers to take to the cemetery. DH can be sad for quite a few days before and after the anniversary. It's to be expected.

That’s a nice thing to do. If he offered that it would mean a lot to me.He actually remembered my dad’s anniversary which was nice but that was more of a “normal” age to die so that anniversary I can deal with because I have memories etc, with my mum it is harder because the only memories I have are if her not being around. Anyway thank you for your reply.

Silent treatment of him since Monday is extreme. You could do with some counselling to help you communicate your emotions more healthily and openly. It’s awful what happened to you but it’s not his fault.

What do you want him to do?
Do you want to go and lay flowers? Do you want to be treated with kid gloves?
You might have to tell him, because I have no idea what possibly makes a day like that feel better.

OP; I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I really think you need some kind of counselling or therapy. Carrying this around with you for thirty years then lashing out at people who don't remember 'your painful anniversary' just isn't healthy.

And neither is sulking or ignoring your husband for a week. You obviously don't know how to deal with this; so how is he supposed to?

Please seek some help. And yes, I've been through it.

It feels a bit like a test he can't win. You don't want to remind him. But you want him to remember.

You don't want to discuss it. You don't want to make a fuss out of it ... and yet, you are upset that it wasn't discussed and a fuss wasn't made.

People grieve differently and people mark anniversaries differently. How does your DH mark the dates when he lost people important to him? My DH never mentions anniversaries and doesn't go to the cemetery on them.

When important dates or anniversaries related to my parents are coming up, I tell my DH. I know I might be a bit sad or quiet or short-tempered so I feel it's my responsibility to point out my emotions are going to be on the surface. He shouldn't have to tiptoe round me and try to guess why I'm upset.

I'm sorry you lost your mum and I'm sorry you're grieving but setting up tests for a spouse, is a rubbish approach to relationships. And giving him the silent treatment is verging on abusive. Have you spoken to any bereavement groups, I think it might help you

We all grieve differently, and there is no right or wrong. I'm sorry for your loss, but it sounds like you have never grieved or put your childhood issues into real perspective. You may benefit from speaking to a counsellor or having CBT etc.

I lost my father at a young age, but I don't expect my DH of 20+yrs to remember this. He never met him, nor do I need to commemorate or do anything especially different on that day! We have lost 3 pregnancies together and I also don't expect him to remember the dates of each of those. Nor would I not speak to him for days for this! Sorry, but this comes across as a childish reaction and even more reason to seek professional help. best of luck OP, but please do reach out for some support

OP, as someone who also had a parent die when they were young, I can understand how you feel. This isn't something I can have some counselling and get over, it is something that has shaped my life, the person I am today and the choices that I've made since. It hits you hard out of nowhere sometimes, or something happens in life that makes you think about it all, all over again.

Imo, no matter what the event is, I don't think its too much to ask that a partner of 20 years remember that a certain time of year is hard for you. It sounds like it's something you've discussed previously, it's not like you've just sprung it on him out of nowhere. It doesn't matter if it's not important to him or something he can understand - it's important to you and you've asked for his care.

I think you're being unreasonable. My dad died 10 years and I can't remember the exact date without looking it up. I don't want to set aside a day to grieve for him, mainly because I feel his loss every day, more so at Christmas and on his birthday. I wouldn't expect my DH to remember the date either, even though we were together when it happened, although I understand not everyone grieves in the same way.

I agree with others that you may need some counselling around this.

@silverley

OP, as someone who also had a parent die when they were young, I can understand how you feel. This isn't something I can have some counselling and get over, it is something that has shaped my life, the person I am today and the choices that I've made since. It hits you hard out of nowhere sometimes, or something happens in life that makes you think about it all, all over again.

Imo, no matter what the event is, I don't think its too much to ask that a partner of 20 years remember that a certain time of year is hard for you. It sounds like it's something you've discussed previously, it's not like you've just sprung it on him out of nowhere. It doesn't matter if it's not important to him or something he can understand - it's important to you and you've asked for his care.

No-one said counselling gets you over the loss of a parent. But counselling does help you to develop better coping mechanisms; healthier ways to approach your loss and an ability to recognise when grief is creeping up on you in unexpected ways. Feeling that your sadness and loss has to be tied to 'specific' dates can be a limiting and unhelpful belief. I've lost both my parents, I can't predict the days when grief will floor me but I can recognise the impact it has on me and the people around me. You can't ever expect a partner, relative or child to compensate for something that you haven't acknowledged or articulated.

He felt bad but has continued to avoid me and has said that I should really only be angry / subdued for 1 day. Today it has all blown up and he said he feels like I am waiting to trip him up each year.

That's all about him. He sounds utterly self-absorbed and lacking empathy. As if giving the slightest thought or care to you, your needs, your feelings, is an utterly unreasonable things for anyone to ask of him.

How dare he try to dictate how you should feel!

He sounds a lot like someone I know who wants his partner to be his mum, manage and prompt his emotional life for him, as well as to live her own life with subtitles, for his benefit.

Some posters are being really obtuse and unpleasant here.

You want to be able to be a bit sad, quiet and withdrawn for a week and for your husband to say things like 'how are you doing, I know it's a difficult week, would you like a cup of tea?' and to be understanding of the fact you're not as chatty and cheerful as usual.

It's not hard.

I think your DH was being very insensitive and actually quite cruel coming home and not checking to see if you were alright at such a sad time for you (with a nice glass of wine in his hand).
You really shouldn’t have to remind him about something that is so close to your heart.
No one can put a time limit on being sad over something like this.

@Hairyfriend

We all grieve differently, and there is no right or wrong. I'm sorry for your loss, but it sounds like you have never grieved or put your childhood issues into real perspective. You may benefit from speaking to a counsellor or having CBT etc.

I lost my father at a young age, but I don't expect my DH of 20+yrs to remember this. He never met him, nor do I need to commemorate or do anything especially different on that day! We have lost 3 pregnancies together and I also don't expect him to remember the dates of each of those. Nor would I not speak to him for days for this! Sorry, but this comes across as a childish reaction and even more reason to seek professional help. best of luck OP, but please do reach out for some support

Hairyfriend 'speaking to a counsellor or having CBT' is not going to help someone who grew up without a mother, and who would merely like her husband of 20 years to remember that the anniversary is a difficult time for her. OP, I understand why you don't want to have to remind him every year - it must feel like he doesn't care, that he doesn't make any effort to remember.

@Kshhuxnxk

This won't go down well but I'm hopefully perhaps explaining how I would feel which may be the same as your DH. To me you were 3, hardly able to have any memories and it must be at least 30 years ago so yes although it's sad it seems a bit extreme to literally decide you're going to be sad for a week. You are of course entitled to your feelings however I wouldn't remember either, particularly as I'd never met her or even seen photos and heard of years of childhood memories with her so there is absolutely no connection. I would expect you to remind me also. Having said all that it does affect you and it's entirely your right to grieve and remember as you want to, just don't expect others to.

It’s the single biggest tragedy that can befall a young child.

How could anybody not care or remember? 🤷‍♀️

@wingscrow Thank you for your response. TO be clear, to you and everyone who seems to think that I expect him to feel the same level of grief as me.. Of course I don't! I have made it clear to him that it would mean the world if he just said "Feb coming up, that's a bit rubbish for you". That really is all I would like. It is hard to issue a reminder but I do take on board that this would obviously help. I got put off doing that because I actually did mention it a few days before one year and he still totally forgot. I'm not expecting to be treated like a princess. Just a tiny bit of acknowledgement really.

But counselling does help you to develop better coping mechanisms; healthier ways to approach your loss and an ability to recognise when grief is creeping up on you in unexpected ways

I totally agree with this. Yes, everyone is different but bottling it up for years helps no-one.

How could anybody not care or remember?

I don't think any of my friends know the anniversary of my Dad dropping dead when I was a kid. Nor would I expect them to.

@GreenTeaPingPong- Then why don't you provide your same 'advice' to ever other poster that also suggest that the OP 'might' benefit from speaking to someone in a professional capacity???

I was widowed in my 40s after a long marriage, lost beloved grandparents and both parents, several close friends and also many others. It is not reasonable to expect people to really understand how you grieve, especially after many decades. It is not possible.

I am sorry that you lost your mother at such a very young age and I'm sure part of you will never come to terms with it; however, it is your loss and other people including your husband can never feel the same. Finding more positive ways of coping with it, either through counselling or marking the day in a significant way would I think be better for you.

I agree with Kshhuxnxk , TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo and then several others, who I am glad have worded what I was thinking, better than I probably could have.
Of course it is terribly sad to lose a parent at such a young age, an age too young to remember her even. But this must be getting on for 40 years ago. I know we don't 'get over' deaths of people we love, but I also know (from experience) that life does get easier over time, once you accept that you can be happy again, even if that happiness is different.

It is pretty ridiculous that a grown man can't work a calendar though. Even if he uses pen and paper, then the first task of the new year should be to transfer memorable dates, so, if he knows this is a day you want to be left alone, then he could transfer that information on to his paper calendar or diary when he fills it in for the year on 1st Jan or whenever he does it.

OP. All I can say to you is that this is your grief and not his, and it seems like him not remembering is more hurtful than the grief itself.

I think you need to not focus on this. I have a date which is very painful and my partner does not remember it. It does not mean he doesn't care but its not his grief - it is mine.
Hope this helps

Counselling might not have helped some of the posters on here (if they have lost a parent) but it does help lots of people and so too do bereavement charities. Recognising when you're grieving, the support you need and how to ask for it, can ease the burden slightly. It helps to de-escalate certain situations.
Sue Ryder has a lovely GriefKind campaign atm and they have lots of resources and offer online bereavement counselling.

I sympathise, OP. My mum died at around the same time as yours 23 years ago. My dad died next week 28 years ago. I don't consciously set out to remember dates and deaths, but my subconscious associates this time of year with being one of loss and grief and my skin is thinner and I'm more emotional than usual. My partner of more than 20 years didn't know my parents and never remembers.

I don't require her to know the dates, I'd just like a general awareness, after 20 years, that this is the most difficult time of the year for me for reasons I can't control. I don't want to talk about my mum and dad and I'm not expecting flowers or special treatment, but I would really appreciate some awareness that at this time of year I dip a bit and am in touch with sad memories and for a bit of slack to be cut. My partner's a good person, like yours, so it's minor in the great scale of things. But ouch.

Hugs to you. I'll remember you next year when I think of my mum.

@lottiegarbanzo thank you

@silverley I didn’t think it was too much to ask. Anyway I am grateful for the mixed responses and I think I can see that we both could have handled the whole thing better. Thank you for your empathy and I am sorry to hear you have experienced the loss of a parent at a young age.

To PP who have given their opinions as ‘something to get over’.

I lost a parent as a child, slightly older than the OP (not really like it matters the grand scheme of things) and the week of their death every year is a like a train crash.

Every other week I’m fine, most people don’t even know that I’ve lost a parent. But every year of year day you see people of a similar age having parents. At first it’s having driving lessons, first car, then it’s visiting universities, moving out for the first time, giving advice, being their for a graduation, celebrating the first job, engagement, wedding planning, wedding day, pregnancy announcement, birth of child, first birthday, wanting childcare, first day of school etc etc.

I’ve never seen on a post ‘you’re parent haven’t been involved in your life for 20 years, why are you upset that they’re not there now?’

Every day we plod on almost forgetting that we’ve got a parent/parent missing but that anniversary (it starts once you get close to the date and takes a while to ‘snap’ back into normal).

I’ve came to peace a long time ago that I’m missing a parent, and that they weren’t suffering any longer. But that date, yes I’m going to throw myself a mini pity party, and really it doesn’t get much easier.

Every year they miss another milestone, or any other time you’d wish they’d be there. The year you carry on as ‘normal’ but it’s hard not to feel the miss of that love, and angry it’s not here any more.