Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 12/02/2022 12:02

I’m sorry OP but he has different ideas about your relationship.
You say it’s FWB but you clearly think it’s more but he’s just enjoying sex and doesn’t see you as anything more.

grapewine · 12/02/2022 12:04

You've clearly caught feelings. Maybe you've had them all the time because the way you talk about him isn't FWB territory.

Talk to him if you want more but be prepared for him to say that no, he doesn't want that. He is behaving like a FWB. You're the one who has unrealistic expectations of the arrangement.

ballsdeep · 12/02/2022 12:04

@bellinirocks

So a fwb set up suited me as I'm a lone parent and didn't have time to have a relationship with anyone, as I have my children all the time. He said he didn't want a relationship with anyone either.

I think if I talk to him he will deny it as he knows how upset I will be about it. I think that's why he's been quiet the past few days because he feels guilty .

Or because he knows hell give the game away and his sex on tap will dry up
Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 12:05

@teaandchocolate1 because he's a decent kind person and I've known him a long time. Please don't judge me - as I've tried to put my kids first all the time here !

OP posts:
Etak123 · 12/02/2022 12:05

@Mumdiva99

4 years of sex but no relationship. I think that tells you what you need to know. Get out and find a man that values you properly. (Doesn't matter what he was doing your reaction tells you what you need to do). Find your self respect and stop this. (Even if you think you love him blah blah blah....) Yes it will be hard. As hard as a break up. Yes you may get lonely. But at least you will be open to meeting someone who is proud to have you has their GF.
Good advice xxx

Good luck xxx

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 12:06

@ballsdeep yes you're probably right and I do think he cares abt me - I don't think he would deliberately want to hurt my feelings .

OP posts:
Hopefullyoneday12 · 12/02/2022 12:07

Does it mean you have to end it because he went on a date? Why?
If it's sex and friendship rather than a committed relationship nothing has to change yet unless you want it to.

Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 12:08

This is all very very odd

ChickenStripper · 12/02/2022 12:11

What did the pair of you agree to 4 years ago when you started all this? That you could see other people etc? That either of you could stop at any time? Or was it not discussed?

thepeopleversuswork · 12/02/2022 12:11

[quote bellinirocks]@teaandchocolate1 because he's a decent kind person and I've known him a long time. Please don't judge me - as I've tried to put my kids first all the time here ! [/quote]
OP I don't think anyone's judging you: its very clear you are putting your kids first.

It's more that this relationship is clearly not making you happy because of mismatched expectations and I think you need to take control of it. If he can offer you what you want then you need to reset things. Otherwise its time to walk away.

I have to say I think after four years if he shows no acknowledgement or commitment to you it is clearly time to walk away. It's tough -- I've been through similar. But you will hurt yourself more over time if you don't grip it.

AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 12:13

Presumably he is hedging his bets. If the date doesn't work, out he still has you. If the date works out, and leads to more, then he will tell you or see both of you at the same time. FWB , open marriages, no strings blah blah always end with one party being hurt. I am sorry that it has happened to you. It is a very painful thing.

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 12:13

It has to change because I can't bear the thought of him with someone else and this is the first time it's literally smacked me in the face . He may have had the odd date with someone else and I've not known abt it - but I know abt this.

OP posts:
ShimmeringSheen · 12/02/2022 12:14

[quote bellinirocks]@teaandchocolate1 because he's a decent kind person and I've known him a long time. Please don't judge me - as I've tried to put my kids first all the time here ! [/quote]
@bellinirocks No one here would judge you (I certainly wouldn't). Relationships and feelings are complicated.

ShimmeringSheen · 12/02/2022 12:15

@bellinirocks

It has to change because I can't bear the thought of him with someone else and this is the first time it's literally smacked me in the face . He may have had the odd date with someone else and I've not known abt it - but I know abt this.
How do you know for certain that he has been on a date? I may have missed a post or two as this thread is moving fast.
Maze76 · 12/02/2022 12:18

I had a FWB that lasted many years. I cared about him a great deal, but always made it clear that it would end if either of us started a relationship with someone.
Worked well and that’s exactly what how our arrangement ended.
I think maybe you need to have this conversation?
The fact that he doesn’t want to meet your kids spells out exact how invested he is.. and that’s fine. Rather that then he becomes entwined with your family and then breaks all your hearts when meets someone else.
Be kind to yourself

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 12:18

@bellinirocks

It has to change because I can't bear the thought of him with someone else and this is the first time it's literally smacked me in the face . He may have had the odd date with someone else and I've not known abt it - but I know abt this.
He might not want a relationship with you though, just because you do doesn’t mean he does
BellePeppa · 12/02/2022 12:20

@Toanewstart23

This is all very very odd
Sounds too complicated for me personally. Unless you’re both in complete agreement on the deal it all seems a road to heartache.
BertramLacey · 12/02/2022 12:20

Evidently you do have time for a relationship OP or you wouldn't be texting and speaking so frequently. But I do think you're going to lose this relationship. It's sad when you're that close to someone but I think it's time to move on. I had to do this with an FWB when I realised that having him around was preventing me from forming emotional attachments with anyone who might want a relationship with me.

I don't have children but my DP does. He has full custody of his teenage DC. We don't live together but it is a committed relationship. I've met his DC, though not until it was clear we were serious about each other. Now we all spend time together and I stay over at his. You can have something like this while being a single parent. It doesn't have to be an FWB type thing for you. Not that there's anything wrong with FWB, it just isn't working for you.

ChickenStripper · 12/02/2022 12:21

People aren't judging you as many of us have been in similar situations. We are pointing out what often happens. Men lie and they will indulge in lots of chat and get to know all about your life because it is part of how they "work" you - I won't go as far as to say "control" but it can be. They talk vaguely about things eg your kids at Uni or going to a certain place as it plays into what your mind is wanting to hear. They want to be the only one in your life but it doesn't work that way for them. They like the "girlfriend experience" even with a FWB/fuck buddy. They want to be valued and wanted. They get what they want out of it for the time they want it and when it doesn't work they drop you like a hot potato claiming all innocence about things that were implied. It's hard to hear and we still convince ourselves that they really like us and possibly they do at a certain level.

MrsBerthaRochester · 12/02/2022 12:21

You only see him about once a month? He is clearly shagging/seeing other people!
Im sorry it hurts. I had a fuck buddy for over two years whom I convinced myself "cared" for me. Otherwise why would he keep sleeping with me?
Turned out to have a partner the whole time.
This man does not "care" about you. He is not your friend. You need to end this and get your self respect back.

longwayoff · 12/02/2022 12:21

Men aren't telepathic. Talk to him not MN.

Marvellousmadness · 12/02/2022 12:22

Your are fwb. Youve not been "seeing each other " for 4 years. You've only been fwb for 4 years. Nothing more. Nothing less.

He doesn't want a relationship with you. Dont be "gutted" about what he does in his free time. He aint your bf. He is just your friend. With benefits.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 12/02/2022 12:22

It's not a FWB because you obviously have feelings for him beyond that. Otherwise you wouldn't care if he went on a date. I had a FWB and I didn't give a toss who else he was seeing, because we were not in a relationship and I didn't have romantic feelings for him.

You need to either cut your losses or tell him you want something more, because it's not FWB if you can't date other people. That's a commitment.

peboh · 12/02/2022 12:24

If you agreed to a friends with benefits situation, then you haven't been seeing him for 4 years. You've been having sex with him, but not getting the benefits of a relationship. He's allowed to date, based on the perimeters of your current situation.
If you have feelings for him, you need to tell him outright. He can't read your mind.

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 12:24

@MrsBerthaRochester

You only see him about once a month? He is clearly shagging/seeing other people! Im sorry it hurts. I had a fuck buddy for over two years whom I convinced myself "cared" for me. Otherwise why would he keep sleeping with me? Turned out to have a partner the whole time. This man does not "care" about you. He is not your friend. You need to end this and get your self respect back.
Exactly, madness that she thinks I’m a month this guy isn’t sleeping with anyone else