Page 18 | I think my fwb went on a date last night

bellinirocks · 2022-02-12T10:05:23+00:00

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning. I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

HootOwl · 14/02/2022 00:31

@AnnaK163

FWB is the new name for "friends that fuck". It's not any kind of a relationship - up front, FWB means there is no commitment or exclusivity. Can't imagine how that can be good for your mental health - gradually bonding with someone you know wants you only for sex but you aren't good enough for a relationship. There must be a better life that that? FWB is what people do at college, it isn't for grown-up people. Men love it I guess - how incredible that any woman would waste her precious time on that (let alone STD and pregancy risk)

Why would it be bad for a woman's mental health to do this, but great for the man? Why would "men love it" and a woman be "wasting her precious time"?

Why the presumption that women should be seeking a relationship, and have to be "good enough" for one? What if the woman finds the man attractive but doesn't consider him "good enough for a relationship"?

Misogynistic much?

HootOwl · 14/02/2022 00:32

@Silvergreen

That's a really important and measured message and you've done the right thing. Give yourself a bit of healing time and then get out there and look for the relationship you deserve. Good luck.

I agree. Well done OP.

Radziwill · 14/02/2022 00:33

OP, you should be proud of yourself. You've put your kids first instead of dragging them into a blended family setup. You've made a painful realisation but you've had the strength to accept it. Good luck in moving on.

HootOwl · 14/02/2022 01:10

@Radziwill

OP, you should be proud of yourself. You've put your kids first instead of dragging them into a blended family setup. You've made a painful realisation but you've had the strength to accept it. Good luck in moving on.

Agreed, the OP seems to be a very strong, emotionally intuitive and kind person, who has had to navigate a heartbreaking situation and done it with dignity, putting her children first. I can't believe how rude some people have been to her.

RedCandyApple · 14/02/2022 01:24

Only she did try to introduce him to her kids and he said no 😕

PerditaPerdita · 14/02/2022 02:43

Omg OP

Stop listening to all this negativity on here!!!!

You sound different to him because you've been reading this stuff and it's confused and undermined your faith in whatever you have/had!

Look - this relationship with him has served a purpose. And you haven't wanted a full-on relationship with anyone, and this with him has suited. You've had daily emotional support and fun, and sex from time to time. It's suited him too. Why he doesn't want any full relationship is his business/prerogative.

Don't listen to bollocks about blocking him!!! Why would you do anything so childish and rude?

I'd keep it as it is until you meet someone else.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/02/2022 05:46

@PerditaPerdita

Omg OP

Stop listening to all this negativity on here!!!!

You sound different to him because you've been reading this stuff and it's confused and undermined your faith in whatever you have/had!

Look - this relationship with him has served a purpose. And you haven't wanted a full-on relationship with anyone, and this with him has suited. You've had daily emotional support and fun, and sex from time to time. It's suited him too. Why he doesn't want any full relationship is his business/prerogative.

Don't listen to bollocks about blocking him!!! Why would you do anything so childish and rude?

I'd keep it as it is until you meet someone else.

She was very upset at the thought of him going on a date so to carry on seeing him would be a really stupid idea. She'll keep getting her feelings hurt. Why do that to yourself?

PerditaPerdita · 14/02/2022 07:51

@Waxonwaxoff0
I agree, sort of - but she also has said she hasn't wanted a relationship, and whatever this has been with him, the past four years have been warmer, more supported and more full of joy than if she'd just had nobody and nothing. She couldn't have had a full bf as didn't originally want one in the house and didn't have time. Ok this has changed for her and she seems ready for more, but he's not ever going to be, so maybe THAT'S a reason to reconsider, but not because of him being quiet fit a couple of days.

My point is that she should steer her heart snd life and this connection herself, in real life, and not by the paranoia stoked up on MN.

We don't know he was with someone and we can't say he was. Her reaction seems odd to him because he doesn't know she's had 1,000 new friends saying omg he's got a secret life, block the bastard!!

Block?! As she rightly said, bewildered, why would I do that?

She's had some love, whatever category it falls into, in her life. She shouldn't ruin/chuck that up because of MN. If she wants a different relationship, that's her choice and she should discuss like a normal person with the guy she's been close to. Not blocking and being hysterical.

She says hasn't been able to have any luck in OLD (not surprising). Maybe she does need to move on. Or maybe keep him for now while she starts to look. I think her life will be less happy without him, and she has zero solid alternative options in the offing.

So yes she does need to accept he isn't going to ever do anything more than this. But not to get wound up thinking he has a million others and/or a secret wife.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/02/2022 07:59

[quote PerditaPerdita]@Waxonwaxoff0
I agree, sort of - but she also has said she hasn't wanted a relationship, and whatever this has been with him, the past four years have been warmer, more supported and more full of joy than if she'd just had nobody and nothing. She couldn't have had a full bf as didn't originally want one in the house and didn't have time. Ok this has changed for her and she seems ready for more, but he's not ever going to be, so maybe THAT'S a reason to reconsider, but not because of him being quiet fit a couple of days.

My point is that she should steer her heart snd life and this connection herself, in real life, and not by the paranoia stoked up on MN.

We don't know he was with someone and we can't say he was. Her reaction seems odd to him because he doesn't know she's had 1,000 new friends saying omg he's got a secret life, block the bastard!!

Block?! As she rightly said, bewildered, why would I do that?

She's had some love, whatever category it falls into, in her life. She shouldn't ruin/chuck that up because of MN. If she wants a different relationship, that's her choice and she should discuss like a normal person with the guy she's been close to. Not blocking and being hysterical.

She says hasn't been able to have any luck in OLD (not surprising). Maybe she does need to move on. Or maybe keep him for now while she starts to look. I think her life will be less happy without him, and she has zero solid alternative options in the offing.

So yes she does need to accept he isn't going to ever do anything more than this. But not to get wound up thinking he has a million others and/or a secret wife.

[/quote]
So hang onto a guy, knowing that he might be seeing other women and that you'll feel hurt by that, just for the sake of having a man in your life? That's very sad.

blyn72 · 14/02/2022 08:21

@RedCandyApple

Only she did try to introduce him to her kids and he said no 😕

Yes, that is not within the boundaries of a 'friend with benefits', which is, by definition, a private, secret relationship. You only introduce a 'special' person to your children when it is a committed relationship. However it didn't happen so no harm done.

Op, you will get over this, stay strong. It seems your association with the man has run its course which must be hard after four years, however four years is a good innings. Remember the good bits and move on.

Original poster

bellinirocks · 14/02/2022 09:43

I'm not going to block him, or not be there as a friend if he needed one, but our arrangement is definitely over. He doesn't understand and I don't really either tbh, maybe it's because the kids are getting older and the reality that soon that they will be living away is hitting me! They have literally been my life the past few years so it will be a massive adjustment and I would like to say I would be happy by myself but I'm not sure abt that !
I feel sad today but ploughing on ! I really appreciate everyone's constructive comments

OP posts:

supercali77 · 14/02/2022 11:57

Thing is. Both parties in these things need to accept responsibility for blurred lines. Its one thing to say the words 'this is just casual' but if its followed with relationshippy things like dinner/talking every night/emotional intimacy there's blurred boundaries and thats not just on one person

RedCandyApple · 14/02/2022 12:08

@supercali77

Thing is. Both parties in these things need to accept responsibility for blurred lines. Its one thing to say the words 'this is just casual' but if its followed with relationshippy things like dinner/talking every night/emotional intimacy there's blurred boundaries and thats not just on one person

But don’t people say that’s the difference between FWB and FB. FWB is suppose to include those things, that’s what people say anyway otherwise it’s just a FB

DoubleTweenQueen · 14/02/2022 12:09

@bellinirocks Oh my - I will be an absolute mess when my two leave home! Completely understandable you’re feeling wobbly.
Take time, focus on yourself, make some plans around what you want for your future. It might prove to be an exciting new chapter, but the transition is bound to be painful x

blyn72 · 14/02/2022 12:16

@bellinirocks

I'm not going to block him, or not be there as a friend if he needed one, but our arrangement is definitely over. He doesn't understand and I don't really either tbh, maybe it's because the kids are getting older and the reality that soon that they will be living away is hitting me! They have literally been my life the past few years so it will be a massive adjustment and I would like to say I would be happy by myself but I'm not sure abt that ! I feel sad today but ploughing on ! I really appreciate everyone's constructive comments

Worry about the kids leaving home when it is time for them to do so, remembering it is unlikely that both will go at the same time.

I'm glad to read you are determined that your arrangement is over and understand you not blocking him - but do not look for him.

You will meet someone eventually, bellinirocks but in the meantime do try to enjoy yourself alone or with friends.

Take good care of yourself & well done.

KimCheese · 14/02/2022 12:24

@RedCandyApple I personally see it as unique to the people in each set up - so the there are no hard and fast rules.

I have 2 FWB, and the way we are with each other is very different, and this is borne out of different personalities, how I feel about each individual, how they feel about me etc.

StellaGibs · 14/02/2022 13:49

Maybe you are ready for a relationship op. Not just yet but when this wound has scabbed up.

supercali77 · 14/02/2022 14:01

@RedCandyApple yes but its the responsibility of both to keep clear on whats happening otherwise its very easy for a lot of assumptions to be happening quietly on both sides. I dont think its enough to say 'but we agreed at the start (X years ago)' it requires a certain level of acknowledgement that you're spending a lot of time with that person, that they may think you're exclusively seeing each other, and it's on you to make sure they understand what's happening now. Id say its on both parties to be transparent about their assumptions.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/02/2022 22:00

@bellinirocks

I'm not going to block him, or not be there as a friend if he needed one, but our arrangement is definitely over. He doesn't understand and I don't really either tbh, maybe it's because the kids are getting older and the reality that soon that they will be living away is hitting me! They have literally been my life the past few years so it will be a massive adjustment and I would like to say I would be happy by myself but I'm not sure abt that ! I feel sad today but ploughing on ! I really appreciate everyone's constructive comments

Given what you've said, I think it is just the right time to get rid of anything that distracts you from concentrating on yourself and what you want for your future. And this FWB arrangement certain seems to have done that.

You need to focus on yourself and what you want for yourself once your DC are independent. If you want a 'real' relationship, that's fine. So concentrate on what a 'real relationship' looks like to you and the type of man you'd like to share it with.

My cousin has recently had to cope with this (not inv an FWB) as her 2 DC have now flown the coop. She, also, had made them her focus. And so she is 'learning herself' again at age 60. She's figured out so far that her self-determination and her freedom to do as she pleases mean much more to her than being 'coupled up' in the traditional sense. She'd like to have a 'companion' but has decided that she never wants to marry nor cohabit again. She says there are times when she feels 'lonely' but that her freedom to come and go, seek out friends and do things with them whenever she chooses more than makes up for not being 1/2 of a 'couple'. Problem is, many of the men in her 'age range' that she's meeting want to tie her down to 'traditional' roles as a wife or live in partner. She says most of them are looking for either a housekeeper or a nurse. Something she is NOT interested in.

Give yourself time to figure out what you really want.