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Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
AllyBama · 13/02/2022 14:13

As PP have said I think this experience has made you realize that you wouldn’t like it if he were to see other women… so does that mean you would now want to pursue a relationship and potentially have him meet your kids later on?

If you continued to just get radio silence from him, well that would have answered your question and you could have just left it there but maybe he’s telling the truth? You know him pretty well, what do you think? Is it worth having a conversation with him about seeing if you can move beyond FWB?

Even if it’s a no from him, at least you’ll know and you won’t be wondering what if.

Englishgirl9 · 13/02/2022 14:15

So he was a bit quiet, you accused him of dating someone else with no proof or reasoning other than him being quiet, which he denies and then you threaten to break it off with him over it. Sounds like you're spiraling a bit and the way you're going about this is getting the opposite reaction to what you want. Just chill out, tell him what you want.

Takethecake0 · 13/02/2022 14:16

It sounds like there is a lot of good in your friendship, it would be a shame to lose that over a misunderstanding.

Can you talk to him about how you feel, that you care more than you thought?

Maze76 · 13/02/2022 14:17

OP, maybe it would be an idea to pause the arrangement until you figure out what it is you want.

Locomelon · 13/02/2022 14:34

If you truly want a FWB situation, you need two of them. Always have a back up, and it stops you becoming too attached. When I was a single mum I had two very nice younger FWB's. I had 2 weekends a month child free so I saw both of them once a month usually.
I was fond of them and felt jealousy if I thought they had other women, but I knew what it was and was able to compartmentalise for the most part.
And I didn't let it stop me from looking for a permanent partner. Luckily I found one after about 4 years and it was easy to say goodbye to the FWB's. It was all very amicable.

AngelinaFibres · 13/02/2022 14:42

@bellinirocks

It's something that has evolved over time - I never thought when I first started talking to him we would still be in contact 4 years later ! But time flies and it suited both of us . And he has been a great support to me - and he assured me he was happy with things as they were - sure we talked abt seeing each other more - but he was just as keen as me - he told me he really liked me and really missed me when we didn't see each other. But I think in the cold light of day - he prob has been seeing other women/ I am the 48 milf with two teenage children that he shagged occasionally and nothing more. I'm gutted .
Bugger that.Dont do yourself down. You are a 48 year old woman who has dealt with the death of her husband and made a lovely , stable life for her grieving children, whilst dealing with her own grief. You have kept the ship sailing. Don't ever underestimate how hard that is and what an achievement it is. You have clearly kept yourself together physically, and have taken time over your appearance, or a good looking 35 year old man wouldn't have wanted to have sex with you. He could, presumably, have had the pick of many women . He didn't shag you out of pity. He also clearly liked you too. There is nothing to feel bad about. It's fabulous. That phase has come to an end and you are ready for more than a casual fling.You have brought this one to a close with dignity and now you can plan for the next one. No experience is ever wasted.....and I bet the sex was very .....pleasant.
NeverChange · 13/02/2022 14:46

FWB is essentially a stand in sexual partner until someone finds what they are really looking for.

If you have a great friendship even better but it is not a relationship.

Problems begin when either partner starts to see it as more than just sex because that is the sole purpose of it or should be.

For it to work ideally:-

  1. Both parties have to think they can do better (in terms of suitable ling term partners)
  2. It is just about sex and nothing else
  3. Going out for drinks or dinner etc blurs lines - at most drinks & takeaway at home
  4. Chit chat remains surface level
  5. You don't care who else they are with

It should end or redefined when:-

  1. Either party gets a sniff of a feeling
  2. It becomes more than just sex
  3. It gets too comfortable & you stop even looking to meet others when you actually want to meet someone.

As cold as it sounds, I always find it works best when there is sexual attraction but you are 100% certain that you would never want them long term. (I e. Think they are too unreliable, don't have shared values, etc).

I think you need to let this one go. It's not a health situation where you get jealous, you expect explanations where he owes you none. I can see it got blurry, you mention flowers and dinners etc. Keep it to just sex or it gets complicated.

lavenderandpillows · 13/02/2022 14:48

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RantyAunty · 13/02/2022 14:50

With your update, I would just focus on getting well. Then arrange a face to face meeting in a couple of weeks or so and discuss everything.

Just get it all out and then you can make your decision.

If you do decide to end it, tell him you need space for several months.
Then you might be able to be friends at some point.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2022 14:55

@bellinirocks

Do people really block someone they've known for a long time ??? Seems abit mean . I don't really want to do that.
If they're causing them the same amount of emotional upheaval that your FWB is AND they can't let go without cutting all ties, yes, they do.

When he dropped out of sight, it upset you. He's back in contact, it's upset you.

You need to end the FWB not because of what he's done or not done, but because you are too emotionally invested in him. It's pretty apparent that you want more of a relationship with him than you currently have whether you acknowledge that or not.

Your only options are to either end it completely or lay all your cards on the table and accept his feelings on the matter.

skyeisthelimit · 13/02/2022 15:03

I don't see that he has done anything wrong, but clearly your feelings for him are stronger than FWB. He doesn't want to meet your children and is several years younger than you. I don't see a long term future for you if he won't meet them.

Although there is no reason why he should meet them if you are just FWB though.

You need an honest discussion from him about what you now want from him and if it is more than FWB and he doesn't want that too then you do need to call it a day for your own sanity.

Missnataliex · 13/02/2022 16:34

@bellinirocks

Do people really block someone they've known for a long time ??? Seems abit mean . I don't really want to do that.
That's a bit extreme. I would only do that to someone who was constantly texting me/wouldn't take no for an answer! No need to block him. He isn't harassing you!
Original poster
bellinirocks · 13/02/2022 16:36

He doesn't want a relationship with anyone - that includes me. That's what he has told me this afternoon.

OP posts:
Missnataliex · 13/02/2022 16:36

@bellinirocks

So he's called me this morning. Asked why I was talking the way I am, that I'm not normally like this and said I can't go around accusing people of things. He said he's just been quiet because he hasn't felt like talking or messaging anyone the past couple of days including his friends. He repeated that if he went on a date he would tell me.

He asked how I am ( because I have Covid atm) and said I should take some medicine. Then I said I had to go , which was kind of true. Now I don't know what to think. I feel v confused.

I still think you should stick to your guns! Regardless of what he said today, it won't change the bigger picture here. You want different things! Xx
TatianaBis · 13/02/2022 16:37

@bellinirocks

He doesn't want a relationship with anyone - that includes me. That's what he has told me this afternoon.
And you're clearly getting to a point where you do.

So it's time to move on no?

Blossomtoes · 13/02/2022 16:39

@bellinirocks

He doesn't want a relationship with anyone - that includes me. That's what he has told me this afternoon.
So now you know where you are. If you’re content to be a FWB, carry on and accept he may well have sex with other women or go on dates with them. If you really want a proper relationship - and it sounds as if you do - call it a day and find someone else.
Original poster
bellinirocks · 13/02/2022 16:41

Yes it's time to move on.

OP posts:
Missnataliex · 13/02/2022 16:45

@bellinirocks

Yes it's time to move on.
Exactly what @Blossomtoes said. If you're happy to engage in FWB, then continue OP. But just remember how you've felt when you thought he might be dating another woman. It didn't sit right with you. Xx
TatianaBis · 13/02/2022 16:59

I'd try and focus on the positives, look at it as a stop gap and consider that you might be ready to start looking for a serious relationship now.

I think all these posts telling you he's used you are completely missing the point.

It worked for you for 4 years and now it doesn't.

AlDanvers · 13/02/2022 17:44

@bellinirocks

Do people really block someone they've known for a long time ??? Seems abit mean . I don't really want to do that.
Yes, if you want to end it but struggling to or getting sucked back in. It's not about being mean to them. Its about prioritising yourself.
AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2022 18:16

@bellinirocks

Yes it's time to move on.
Absolutely. And that means completely cutting him out of your life. Not because he's done anything 'wrong', but because you cannot move on if you don't.

And if he's at all a decent man, you'll be able to tell him this and he will respect your decision and not contact you again.

DoubleTweenQueen · 13/02/2022 19:17

@bellinirocks

Yes it's time to move on.
I'm sorry this realisation is difficult 💐
Honeyroar · 13/02/2022 20:36

I think your message to him was honest, fair the best way forward. No need to block, just try to move on?

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/02/2022 21:11

@bellinirocks

Yes it's time to move on.
It is, I'm sorry to say. You don't have to block if you don't want to, I just archived our messages and left it at that. I think for me the lesson learned was that I have to keep "feelings" in check although I would absolutely do it again as I don't ever want a relationship. I do want sex though!
StellaGibs · 13/02/2022 21:13

Sorry 😔

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