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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 12/02/2022 12:25

And I certainly wouldn't have introduced my FWB to my child! That's such a silly idea. You do not do that until you are in a long term committed relationship.

OutIsay · 12/02/2022 12:25

@bellinirocks

It has to change because I can't bear the thought of him with someone else and this is the first time it's literally smacked me in the face . He may have had the odd date with someone else and I've not known abt it - but I know abt this.
But you don't actually know anything. He could be ill or anything else. You do, however, need to talk to him as this is more than FWB and it sounds like you have only just realised this. Good luck.
TeaRex49 · 12/02/2022 12:25

You are being very naive here OP, he doesn’t want a relationship with you, just wants to be FWB, he’s also at a totally different stage of life to you, it’s obvious he was going to think about someone else at some point because why shouldn’t he? Sounds like it’s time to move on really.

AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 12:26

@bellinirocks

So a fwb set up suited me as I'm a lone parent and didn't have time to have a relationship with anyone, as I have my children all the time. He said he didn't want a relationship with anyone either.

I think if I talk to him he will deny it as he knows how upset I will be about it. I think that's why he's been quiet the past few days because he feels guilty .

I was a lone parent. FWB never works .A male friend you definitely don't fancy, and are not sleeping with is absolutely brilliant. I had one of those for a while. I sorted the sex side for myself. Battery powered sex is much less complicated. You are 48 and your children are teens They are old enough to understand that you are a person as well as their mum.You are allowed to go out on dates and to have sex. You are allowed to introduce someone to your children , or not, as you wish. They do not have to think their mother is a nun. I remarried when my children were 9 and 11. They love their stepfather. It is a waste of life to pretend you don't have sexual feelings, don't want to be loved . You are not just a mum. You are allowed to be you.
Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 12:27

@MrsBerthaRochester he defiantly does not have a gf or partner , I have considered this - but as we talk on the phone most evenings I think this is impossible.

I need to talk to him today. I just wish he would be honest with me but I don't think he willl be and he rarely talks abt his feelings - he's very closed off in that respect - I would feel closure if he just said. - I went on a date / met this women / she's nice etc etc but I don't think I will get that.

OP posts:
ShimmeringSheen · 12/02/2022 12:27

@bellinirocks, do you still only have sex with him once a month?

DiamondBright · 12/02/2022 12:27

I had a fwb but once it got to the point where we were texting multiple times a day and seeing each other regularly it became more than fwb and not quite a relationship so for me it had to stop or develop, there's no way I could have continued that level of contact with him free to see other people.

We had some issues transitioning into a relationship but several years later we're still going strong.

You have to be prepared to walk away when a situation isn't working for you, even if there are feelings, but if there are feelings it's definitely not working as fwb.

YoBeaches · 12/02/2022 12:28

I think first is you don't know he was on a date.... but that's not really the point as secondly, your feelings for him have run much deeper than you realised and now you can see that.

In your shoes, I think you have to face up to that and tell him that thinking he was in a date made you feel really hurt, and on that basis the FWB relationship has gone too far and boundaries are being breached.

You clearly are emotionally, physically and practically ready for a relationship, and there's no reason you shouldn't be in when, but unfortunately not with him as he wants something different to you.

The longer you play at a relationship with him, the longer you are actually shutting yourself off from real long term relationship opportunities.

I would cool things right down and prepare yourself up to end it, before you really do get hurt.

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 12:29

@ShimmeringSheen yes whenever we see each other - so that is the reason I would not class it as a relationship.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 12/02/2022 12:30

Oh @bellinirocks am so sorry, as pp have said you've become way over enmeshed. This response to his seeing another person don't know whether just to end it/ or ask abt it / block him ? is not that of a FWB. Block him?!

AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 12:35

It is probably going to end whatever you do. If you tell him you want more he may not want that, so it is over. If he tells you he is seeing someone else then it is also over. The good thing is that you can go out into the world and meet a person who is at a similar stage in life as you and have a fabulous, proper, real relationship.

icannotbebothered · 12/02/2022 12:38

Fwb you've been seeing for 4 years and that you talk to all day everyday?

AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 12:41

If you speak to him and feel that he will not be honest with you then that is sufficient reason alone to end it. Presumably he has told you, all these years, that he only sleeps with you.I cannot think that a sexually active man of 35 is only having sex once a month. Perhaps, now he is 35 , he is thinking about a family of his own and a proper relationship. Sadly that cannot be with you

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 12:41

@icannotbebothered we text sporadically during the day - we're both working and I'm busy with the kids after work. In the evenings we'll talk.

OP posts:
Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 12:44

@AngelinaFibres I've never really thought abt the fact that he's in his 30s so is probably having sex elsewhere . Confused

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 12:47

[quote bellinirocks]@AngelinaFibres I've never really thought abt the fact that he's in his 30s so is probably having sex elsewhere . Confused[/quote]
You never considered he was sleeping with other people when you only have sex once a month? Either you are very naive or this is a wind up

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 12:49

@RedCandyApple I haven't - he always said he's too busy.

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 12/02/2022 12:50

I agree you need to talk to him and wrap things up with him.
This is probably one of the rare times to have an ending without it being some major blowup.

Just tell him you've had a lovely time but you feel it's time to move on. You can say that you're thinking more about having a long term relationship and you know it wouldn't work out with him. Different life phases or whatever.
That way you can both bow out gracefully.

DoubleTweenQueen · 12/02/2022 12:52

@bellinirocks It’s not surprising you’re feeling wobbly, if you’ve been a constant presence for each other for that length of time. It’s not surprising you suddenly feel a rush of fear at the thought he may be moving on - it would be natural.

I suppose you will have to brace yourself for that to happen though. He is likely to have matured in the last 4 years and may be getting to the point where he wants to settle down and have a family, or at least a firmer relationship with a single person.

If you possibly can, I’d think through your feelings very carefully, and what you would like for the future when he moves on. And let him know.

You can’t prevent someone moving on, however.

I’m truly sorry. I imagine this is very difficult for you Flowers

BellePeppa · 12/02/2022 12:59

@ChickenStripper

People aren't judging you as many of us have been in similar situations. We are pointing out what often happens. Men lie and they will indulge in lots of chat and get to know all about your life because it is part of how they "work" you - I won't go as far as to say "control" but it can be. They talk vaguely about things eg your kids at Uni or going to a certain place as it plays into what your mind is wanting to hear. They want to be the only one in your life but it doesn't work that way for them. They like the "girlfriend experience" even with a FWB/fuck buddy. They want to be valued and wanted. They get what they want out of it for the time they want it and when it doesn't work they drop you like a hot potato claiming all innocence about things that were implied. It's hard to hear and we still convince ourselves that they really like us and possibly they do at a certain level.
If you both agree to it and understand the boundaries then I think it’s unfair of you to put the blame on men as if they’re hoodwinking the woman.
ufucoffee · 12/02/2022 13:00

He sees you very infrequently, he didn't want anything to do with your children. You've been talking about the future, he hasn't. You've been deluding yourself I'm afraid. A fwb is just sex, that's all. Even if you are mistaken and he wasn't on a date, he can do what he wants which includes using you just for sex when you clearly want more. Sorry OP Thanks

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 13:08

Men will always make time for sex, he’s probably told you he’s too busy to justify only seeing you once a month.

Hesma · 12/02/2022 13:09

Why shouldn’t he? FWB is NSA

AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 13:11

[quote bellinirocks]@AngelinaFibres I've never really thought abt the fact that he's in his 30s so is probably having sex elsewhere . Confused[/quote]
I'm so sorry . But it is almost inevitable.

Seraphinesupport · 12/02/2022 13:14

BUT fwb usually do date other people :S Thats the whole point..