Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 12/02/2022 11:09

Surely this is how FWB works unless you discussed being exclusive but then surely that would be a relationship rather than FWB?

If you have feeling for him then you should have told him or walked away.

Lovemusic33 · 12/02/2022 11:10

Chances are the reason he wants to be FWB is because he has other FWB? 😬

Hoppinggreen · 12/02/2022 11:11

@bellinirocks

So a fwb set up suited me as I'm a lone parent and didn't have time to have a relationship with anyone, as I have my children all the time. He said he didn't want a relationship with anyone either.

I think if I talk to him he will deny it as he knows how upset I will be about it. I think that's why he's been quiet the past few days because he feels guilty .

So you don’t want a relationship with him but don’t want him to have one with anyone else?
Babyroobs · 12/02/2022 11:11

@THisbackwithavengeance

Call me old fashioned but why would you shag a man for 4 years, text and speak everyday and yet somehow not be in a relationship?

No wonder these men are so pleased with themselves.

Bizarre isn't it??
femfemlicious · 12/02/2022 11:12

FWB for 4 years...wowsersConfused

CrinklyCraggy · 12/02/2022 11:12

Isn't that how FWB is supposed to work?

Iprefergin · 12/02/2022 11:13

I'm so sorry OP. I understand the hurt. I had a lovely FWB who I got on very well with, we weren't suited as a couple though, both want very different things from life. He suddenly went quiet and I eventually found out he had met someone. I was a lot more devastated than I imagined, I had no idea he was looking and I miss him so much. I never heard from him again. From regular texts, calls, meet ups to nothing.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 12/02/2022 11:15

It does read more like a relationship than a FB arrangement.

However, on the FWB, some friends are very close and friendships long lasting. As PPs say, there's a lot of blurring here. I don't even understand why the 2 of you would be looking forward to weekends together when the DC go to university rather than considering a relationship with a view to a shared household.

OP were you thinking that your FWB would never form a relationship over time or anticipating that even if that happened, it would be an open relationship and your FWB arrangement would continue?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 12/02/2022 11:16

Oh dear.

Once a fuck buddy - always a fuck buddy, as far as I can see.

He's a good bit younger than you too, so he's probably looking for and found someone nearer his own age, or younger.

You should end it, I think.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 12/02/2022 11:17

He'll probably be back to you for fuck again, if this doesn't work out with his new woman.

Lovemusic33 · 12/02/2022 11:19

@Iprefergin

I'm so sorry OP. I understand the hurt. I had a lovely FWB who I got on very well with, we weren't suited as a couple though, both want very different things from life. He suddenly went quiet and I eventually found out he had met someone. I was a lot more devastated than I imagined, I had no idea he was looking and I miss him so much. I never heard from him again. From regular texts, calls, meet ups to nothing.
Similar has happened to me, just vanished. I didn’t think it would hurt either as it was me who said I didn’t want a relationship.

It’s hard when your a single parent, I don’t have much spare time for a relationship, I have several male friends who are well aware that I don’t want a relationship, I would be happy for them if they found someone but I would be upset if we could no longer be friends.

5128gap · 12/02/2022 11:20

@THisbackwithavengeance

Call me old fashioned but why would you shag a man for 4 years, text and speak everyday and yet somehow not be in a relationship?

No wonder these men are so pleased with themselves.

Because that is the arrangement that suited her. What is old fashioned is to think of sex as something a woman only 'gives' to a man who is prepared to be in a relationship with her in return. Many women don't feel the need to be tied down with the hassle of a man, or, like the OP, are prioritising other things, but still want to have sex with one.
BellePeppa · 12/02/2022 11:21

I didn’t even know what FWB stood for but now I do it’s not something that appeals to me. It’s a bit like an open marriage - it can only really work if you’re both on the same page.

feelsobadfeltsogood · 12/02/2022 11:30

I have a Fwb and I'd feel the same
This arrangement suits us both to be honest but we are good mates too I'd be upset if he did this to me but at the end of the day he's free to do that

We meet up on average 2 times a week, sometimes 3 we've been doing that 2 years now although we do have history we first slept together at 18 when we were at college and then our paths seem always to have crossed

I'd just hope he was honest with me

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 11:38

So I haven't wanted a relationship because I wanted to be as present at home as possible. My childrens dad has passed away, so sometimes I feel like I have to be two parents. That is why I have had this set up.
It's not because I want to use anyone .
I knew at some point this would end I guess I'm just shocked by it. I don't know whether just to end it/ or ask abt it / block him ? What do I do ?
In the past I have tried to meet someone else - I talked myself into thinking I could date. I've tried online dating and found it horrendous. And it was so easy with him- we get on brilliantly, can talk for hours and he makes me laugh. I realise I've been very stupid.

OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 11:40

4 years

Ever gone to the cinema? Restaurant? Long walk and a meal out? Coffee? Shopping together? Holiday?

AllOfUsAreDead · 12/02/2022 11:40

He was always a fwb op. He was never in a relationship with you even though you clearly thought so and wanted it. He will have said anything to keep you sweet, like agreeing to stay over once your kids go to uni. If it was meant to be a proper relationship, it would have become one even with you having kids. But it didn't. You need to let him go and even if he isn't seeing someone else, stop seeing him yourself. It's never going to happen. I am sorry.

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 11:42

We've been out yes - meals / coffees etc not on holiday as I don't have anyone that would have the children.

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 12/02/2022 11:43

@bellinirocks

So I haven't wanted a relationship because I wanted to be as present at home as possible. My childrens dad has passed away, so sometimes I feel like I have to be two parents. That is why I have had this set up. It's not because I want to use anyone . I knew at some point this would end I guess I'm just shocked by it. I don't know whether just to end it/ or ask abt it / block him ? What do I do ? In the past I have tried to meet someone else - I talked myself into thinking I could date. I've tried online dating and found it horrendous. And it was so easy with him- we get on brilliantly, can talk for hours and he makes me laugh. I realise I've been very stupid.
But you HAVE been having a relationship though, haven’t you?

Have you ever actually discussed what the boundaries are?

Pumpfive · 12/02/2022 11:45

I'm sorry but I find this all really confusing because a FWB is just that. Friends who have sex together. It sounds to me like you're more 'seeing' each other in your eyes and you have romantic feeling towards him. If this is the case, you need to discuss this with him. It isn't fair to hold him back from a relationship because you don't want one.

Also how have you jumped to assume he's been on a date because he wasn't online on WhatsApp last night? Sometimes I don't open WhatsApp because I need a break from intense group chats.

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 11:45

You only see him every 3/4 weeks that’s NOT a relationship and he has been sleeping with others in that time you are deluded if you think he hasn’t

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 11:46

We have talked abt certain things . We talked abt seeing each other more often and I said he could come round at the weekend and meet my children but he said he doesn't want to meet them.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 12/02/2022 11:46

Perhaps he is open to a new long term relationship, he may not have said anything about the date as its early days and may go nowhere.

You may get on so well with him as you haven't been dating so no expectations, just a friendly get together and maybe some sex.

You say yourself that you've tried dating so no reason he shouldn't. If you get on so well you should just ask him.. Be a bit silly if it turned out to be his sister or cousin.

Againstmachine · 12/02/2022 11:46

4 years of sex but no relationship. I think that tells you what you need to know. Get out and find a man that values you properly. (Doesn't matter what he was doing your reaction tells you what you need to do). Find your self respect and stop this. (Even if you think you love him blah blah blah....) Yes it will be hard. As hard as a break up. Yes you may get lonely. But at least you will be open to meeting someone who is proud to have you has their GF.

This works both ways maybe he's gone out to find someone who values him properly and proud to have him as a BF.

AgentJohnson · 12/02/2022 11:46

Dear God woman! What has your ages got to do with you labelling your entanglement fwb? You are not on the same page as this man and you appear to have accepted the fwb label hoping it would be a gateway into a traditional monogamous relationship. The ‘gf’ experience he has been enjoying with you so far doesn’t appear to extend to monogamous exclusivity.

It’s time to tell him how you feel or to end this, you can’t keep kidding yourself.