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Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 11:47

So you’ve been out
You talk about the future
And you have regular sex
Why is he a FWB rather than a boyfriend?

Againstmachine · 12/02/2022 11:47

Surely you must have expected this to happen it can hardly be a suprise that he might want something solid eventually.

Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 11:47

Have your children met him?

HaggisBurger · 12/02/2022 11:47

@bellinirocks

We have talked abt certain things . We talked abt seeing each other more often and I said he could come round at the weekend and meet my children but he said he doesn't want to meet them.
Then I think you are having very different experiences of this, and totally different future expectations too.

It’s hard but I’d knock it on the head and open yourself to a new, real relationship

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 11:47

@bellinirocks

We have talked abt certain things . We talked abt seeing each other more often and I said he could come round at the weekend and meet my children but he said he doesn't want to meet them.
Well of course he doesn’t, he doesn’t want a relationship and doesn’t want to become a “step dad”
Duracellbunnywannabe · 12/02/2022 11:47

@bellinirocks

It varies normally every 3-4 weeks during the day or evening. He can change his mind abt a relationship of course - but only afew days ago we were talking about when my kids will be at uni he will be able to stay the weekend - we both were looking forward to that. I feel like an idiot.
Him staying the weekend is not fwb behaviour.
Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 11:48

I would be proud of him- I've told my closest friends abt him, I've said he can meet my children.
He's the one that said he doesn't want to meet them and I don't think he's told anyone abt me.

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 12/02/2022 11:48

Speaking & txting everyday is a very good friendship, add sex to that now that’s an intimate relationship.

Not FWB.

You are each operating on different terms & conditions. You are using the same words but speaking different languages?

alrightfella · 12/02/2022 11:48

I'm confused. How old are your children? You say you were talking about when they go to uni but they are not old enough to be left so that you can go out and leave them at home?

Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 11:49

quite clearly you wanted a boyfriend

And he didn’t want to be your boyfriend. He genuinely did want a fwb.

You changed the goal posts

Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 11:50

Yes I asked how old the children are

UniversalAunt · 12/02/2022 11:50

Our posts have crossed.

You are in a relationship, he’s having regular sex & a craic with minimal ties & responsibilities.

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 11:50

My children are teenagers - so old enough to be left in the evening but I wouldn't leave them overnight or go away.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 12/02/2022 11:51

@bellinirocks

I would be proud of him- I've told my closest friends abt him, I've said he can meet my children. He's the one that said he doesn't want to meet them and I don't think he's told anyone abt me.
This would cross the bounds of FWB into a proper relationship. You've both started of happy to do the FWB now it sounds like you want a proper long term relationship which isn't what he signed up for.
ChickenStripper · 12/02/2022 11:52

You only see him every 3 or 4 weeks? You are deluding yourself that the texting means very much. They do it to keep you as an option when they feel like it.

Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 11:53

Genuinely curious
Why do you describe as a FWB? What marks it as such?

ChickenStripper · 12/02/2022 11:54

@bellinirocks

I would be proud of him- I've told my closest friends abt him, I've said he can meet my children. He's the one that said he doesn't want to meet them and I don't think he's told anyone abt me.
This speaks volumes. Read what you have written.
Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 11:55

Yes I can see that abt texting - but we talk a lot- usually in the evening when the kids are in bed - - he knows everything abt me, literally everything - he's been like my best friend through some very difficult times. I'm bery sad abt losing that.

OP posts:
Inspectorslack · 12/02/2022 11:56

@bellinirocks

I would be proud of him- I've told my closest friends abt him, I've said he can meet my children. He's the one that said he doesn't want to meet them and I don't think he's told anyone abt me.
That’s not an fwb.

You are trying to change it into something he doesn’t want.

Best you call it quits and move on.

StellaGibs · 12/02/2022 11:57

It would sting me too. As a single parent, I completely understand why you have this arrangement and I would too if I knew that I wouldn't get attached. I know I would though so I could never.
The thing that concerns me is, if he is or has been with other people during that four years, are you taking care of your sexual health? Are you being safe with him?
Aside from that, you just need to decide whether this is the best arrangement for you. FWB is all well and good on the short term, but after years you do become used to them and you get to know them etc so your feelings will get hurt.

blyn72 · 12/02/2022 11:57

bellinirocks, the very nature of a 'friends with benefits' relationship is that both parties are free to see others. You are getting too involved.

thepeopleversuswork · 12/02/2022 11:58

@bellinirocks

So I haven't wanted a relationship because I wanted to be as present at home as possible. My childrens dad has passed away, so sometimes I feel like I have to be two parents. That is why I have had this set up. It's not because I want to use anyone . I knew at some point this would end I guess I'm just shocked by it. I don't know whether just to end it/ or ask abt it / block him ? What do I do ? In the past I have tried to meet someone else - I talked myself into thinking I could date. I've tried online dating and found it horrendous. And it was so easy with him- we get on brilliantly, can talk for hours and he makes me laugh. I realise I've been very stupid.
I think you're confusing things here OP. You don't want to commit loads of time to this man or for him to move in and that's totally understandable in your situation. But that doesn't mean you don't want some emotional commitment from him. You seem to have convinced yourself that a committed relationship = living together/spending all your time together and that as long as you can't do that you can't have a relationship.

You actually can: I have a committed relationship with someone I don't (and maybe never will) live with. I also don't want to share a house with a man because of my child. But I still demand monogamy and emotional commitment because for me there's no point without those. And if that's what you want, so should you.

If you want a relationship you need to own it and tell him. And if he doesn't want more you have to end it. This isn't (and never has been) a FWB. Its a relationship with lopsided expectations. And if you don't get a grip on it it will hurt you.

teaandchocolate1 · 12/02/2022 11:59

@bellinirocks

We have talked abt certain things . We talked abt seeing each other more often and I said he could come round at the weekend and meet my children but he said he doesn't want to meet them.
I'm sorry, I wasn't judgmental until I read this. Why would you bring a man that is fwb around your children?
MermaidEyes · 12/02/2022 12:01

@bellinirocks

I would be proud of him- I've told my closest friends abt him, I've said he can meet my children. He's the one that said he doesn't want to meet them and I don't think he's told anyone abt me.

In 4 years, if he's not told anyone about you and isn't interested in meeting your kids, then you're both on very different pages and you should end it now, whether he's been on a date or not, before your feelings become even deeper.

ShimmeringSheen · 12/02/2022 12:01

Being cheeky, when did you last have sex with him? It sounds very much like this is more than a fwb situation... but I'm not sure both sides know this! I really hope you manage to sort the situation out, OP.