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Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
username1293948 · 12/02/2022 10:40

@bellinirocks

It varies normally every 3-4 weeks during the day or evening. He can change his mind abt a relationship of course - but only afew days ago we were talking about when my kids will be at uni he will be able to stay the weekend - we both were looking forward to that. I feel like an idiot.
Are you insane? FWB set ups aren’t supposed to be a long life thing! Do you really think he will go his whole life not getting into a relationship, getting married or having kids of his own, so that he can keep having sex with you on the side? You need to walk away now before you get seriously hurt!
Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:40

It is a fwb as I'm 48 and he's 35 - I've been married and had children. He hasn't - so I always knew that at some point he might want that - even though he's always been adamant he doesn't.

OP posts:
TheHoptimist · 12/02/2022 10:41

Surely FWB means sex with whoever you want whenever but hook up when nothing better on offer?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/02/2022 10:44

It isn't a FWB just because you think it will end one day!
You're kidding yourself. It's a relationship and now he's looking for a new one without talking to you first. That's dishonest. This situation is a mess.
Also why can't you have a boyfriend around when your kids are home?

Inspectorslack · 12/02/2022 10:45

Fwb is no strings sex? Just sex with a friend - no dating? Bit more than a fuck buddy but not a relationship?

As in. It’s never going anywhere?

Inspectorslack · 12/02/2022 10:46

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

It isn't a FWB just because you think it will end one day! You're kidding yourself. It's a relationship and now he's looking for a new one without talking to you first. That's dishonest. This situation is a mess. Also why can't you have a boyfriend around when your kids are home?
It might be a relationship in the op’s head but if she hasn’t ever told him that and they talk about it as Fwb - he’s entitled to see whoever he likes surely?
TracyMosby · 12/02/2022 10:46

Op, with kindness, you need to end this. It isn't a relationship, he sees you when the timing for sex suits you both. Youd decided on a fwb situation but youve both been crossing the lines. And wasting time. Being in touch so frequently isnt a feb either. You seem to have thought it was a casual relationship until your children left home then you will have a more standard relationship. Did he know this? Was this agreed? As if that is the case fwb isnt the correct term at all. It would have been a relationship without living together.

You need to think clearly about what it is you want.

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 10:48

Four years with a FWB?
Wow. I can't judge as I wasted a year here, a year there with different men who weren't committed to me properly.

But 4 years with the same guy? He's a time swindler. Does he know how you feel? I'm sure he does.

Get turned off by that. He has allowed this situation to continue being the one in the position of power, knowing you like him more. If I were in a situation like this but reversed, I'd end it to avoid hurting the other person but he hasn't done that. He enjoyed the resource you provided. Get turned off by that.

If he contacts you again tell him you're watching something on netflix, another time. Don't get in to it with him. he won't feel any guilt. he'll just label you mad or needy. So I can assure you, there's no point trying to hold him to account no matter how hurt you are.

Move on without a backwards glance, or appear to .

Mumdiva99 · 12/02/2022 10:51

@inspectorslack I wasn't trying to say that there should never be FWB. I wad trying to say in this situation......4 years of sex and calling and texting all day.....if he looks like a BF and behaves like a BF but doesn't want the label of BF then it's not great.

Fruitandnuts · 12/02/2022 10:52

3-4 years of this and at no point did you it ever cross your mind he might actually seek out a proper committed relationship? Sounds very naive. If you aren’t in a committed relationship together then you are both very free to do whatever with whomever. He can say anything about the future , looking forward to your kids going off to uni, what value is there tho? It’s just words and may have no depth. I’d you want something more you’ll have to ask for it.
Perhaps take a step back, don’t let a jealous mind cause you to take an action. If you’ve been doing this for 3-4 years is it just the thought of losing him making you want more ? How much you haven’t wanted more before ? Nothing will change unless there is a need for it to. Think about what you really want from him and for yourself

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2022 10:52

You’ve got time for an awful lot of contact with him, what do you mean you haven’t got time for a relationship?

RussianSpy101 · 12/02/2022 10:53

He has no reason to feel guilty and you have no reason to ask.

You’re not in a relationship with him, it’s just sex.

AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 10:55

Its not a relationship. There's no commitment. He absolutely can stay weekends and still be fwb. Ops clearly told him she doesn't have time for a relationship.

Honestly, op, I think you are being a bit selfish. You don't want to commit and only see him on your terms. But also want him available to you every evening to chat.

But with a FWB, you don't have right to know or be informed of anything else. Maybe it was another FWB.

Or maybe he has met someone and wants to see where it goes. That he didn't want a relationship until he met them. Or after 4 years has decided he wants more from a relationship.

Its really unfair, to have a non committed relationship with someone, expect daily communication and to be informed of other relationships. Or expect them to out their life on hold for years until you have time for them.

If this was the other way round and the man said he didn't have time, but eventually if the kids go to uni, he would have time, everyone would be telling the woman to keep options open and date other people as well. Not hang around waiting for maybe one day.

SarahJessicaPorker · 12/02/2022 10:55

Hmmm difficult one. But it does seem as if lines have become blurred a bit maybe? This doesn't sound like the 'traditional' FWB set up. If you both speak all the time and agreed not to date anyone else, that doesn't sound like a FWB set up to me.

I think you should find a new FWB but keep a safer distance, OR, if you have maybe changed your mind and want a more romantic LTR, then try and find that with someone else..

CorrBlimeyGG · 12/02/2022 10:56

It varies normally every 3-4 weeks during the day or evening.

It's not a relationship if you're only seeing him once a month. How old are your children?

AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 10:56

[quote Mumdiva99]@inspectorslack I wasn't trying to say that there should never be FWB. I wad trying to say in this situation......4 years of sex and calling and texting all day.....if he looks like a BF and behaves like a BF but doesn't want the label of BF then it's not great.[/quote]
Op said she doesn't easy the label either. So she looks like a good, behaves like a gf and not great herself either?

Inspectorslack · 12/02/2022 10:57

[quote Mumdiva99]@inspectorslack I wasn't trying to say that there should never be FWB. I wad trying to say in this situation......4 years of sex and calling and texting all day.....if he looks like a BF and behaves like a BF but doesn't want the label of BF then it's not great.[/quote]
But she also calls it a Fwb. So she’s not great either then?

Inspectorslack · 12/02/2022 10:58

XPost @AlDanvers 😁

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 10:58
Confused
godmum56 · 12/02/2022 11:00

Honestly OP what did you expect to happen?

WheresYourSnickers · 12/02/2022 11:03

I'm confused as to why you think he can't date? You're not in a relationship, you're FWB. If you want a relationship with him be honest and tell him.

5128gap · 12/02/2022 11:06

I'm sorry. That is going to hurt. Just because you didn't want a full on partnership with him, doesn't mean you don't want exclusivity, especially if youve had it so far. I get it. I think sadly its just a case of weighing up if the arrangement brings you sufficient happiness to balance out the hurt when this happens.

MermaidEyes · 12/02/2022 11:07

Maybe he hit mid 30s and started thinking marriage and kids might be a good thing...lots of men get to that age declaring they're not interested then suddenly change their mind, especially if they meet someone who seems 'right' . You definitely need either an honest conversation about your real feelings, or to pull back and start thinking about a future without him in it.

Sprucewillis · 12/02/2022 11:07

You have bad no commitments to each other and you have a FWB arrangement. He can do what he pleases. If this is not what you still want you can end it or tell him how you feel.

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 11:08

@WheresYourSnickers

I'm confused as to why you think he can't date? You're not in a relationship, you're FWB. If you want a relationship with him be honest and tell him.
think she knows that but it hurts
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