Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 22:27

I think he has convinced himself that he doesn't ''owe'' you any explanation for his lack of silence. It could be argued that he doesn't but he must also know that it's a different pattern that will be noticed.

Maybe he's met somebody and maybe he hasn't. Maybe it'll work out and maybe it won't. But if he comes back to you one rainy Tuesday afternoon, let him know that his lack of explanation felt like less than you deserved.

Missnataliex · 12/02/2022 22:33

@bellinirocks

And he hasn't contacted me , I don't know what is going on Sad
I think it says it all. You've done enough hun. I'd let him come to you now, as hard as that is xxx
goodnightgrumble · 12/02/2022 22:37

Sound like he has met someone or it has run its course.
We t will be hard but he is only 35 and may want a future with children.
Don't chase OP- he knows where you are. X

Blossomtoes · 12/02/2022 22:39

@bellinirocks

And he hasn't contacted me , I don't know what is going on Sad
Time to move on. It’s pretty obvious that you want a proper relationship and he might too, but not with you. Sorry @bellinirocks, I think it’s done.
NannyKrampus · 12/02/2022 22:41

Good grief! Rinse and repeat! You are and never were in a relationship with this man. He owes you no explanations or account for his movements. If you cannot except that, then you need to end this arrangement.

MMmomDD · 12/02/2022 22:42

OP - you seem to be spiralling into some dark place, but it doesn’t have to be that.
Try to pull yourself out of it and think about the last four years as doing/experiencing exactly what you wanted and needed.
You didn’t want a relationship; you didn’t want to bring a stepfather to your kids life; BUT you didn’t want to bury yourself and live like a nun. Which is exactly what you had with him. You had your time with the kids; a friend who was there for you; and a man who made you feel wanted.
I think you got used to the setup and it worked for your needs quite well.
So - there is absolutely no reason to look back and think you were a fool, etc.

He gave you exactly what you needed.
You gave him only as much as you wanted to give. Whether or not it was all he wanted from life and his relationship with women - it’s hard to know.
At 35 - I’d presume once/month sex is very little, especially with a high drive.
(And btw - he could have well been missing you between the times you saw each other. And still needed more sex.
He could have not wanted a relationship with anyone. And still needed sex more often than monthly.
You had a casual arrangement, that never meant commitment. )

Anyway - if i were you - I’d apologise for unleashing this wave of emotions on him. Since you have developed a connection - I am guessing you’d at least want to explain yourself. Clearly you developed feelings.
Tell him.
Nothing to lose really. You don’t really know what he is feeling. You can give him a chance to open up, and at least get some clarity. Or closure.

Good luck

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/02/2022 22:47

You can’t have it both ways. FWB with no commitment from you; but want to control if he sees other people or not and think he’s avoiding you because he know ‘how upset you’ll be’?

Come off it. Grow up. Either commit to a relationship or cut him free. I think you’re done here anyway.

wingscrow · 12/02/2022 23:10

If you are only FWB, you have no right to expect the other person not to date other women...

If you want more from him, you have to be honest to tell him how you feel. You also might need to stop seeing him if he is not interested in you romantically.

FWBs are about sex and not commitment/exclusivity.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2022 00:45

@bellinirocks

And he hasn't contacted me , I don't know what is going on Sad
You do know what's going on, you just don't want to accept it.
MrsBerthaRochester · 13/02/2022 00:52

He has a wufe/partner or multiple other shaggees on the go! Its not rocket science. Can posters please stop advising op to tell him how she feels. He KMOWS. She has had the crumbs from his table for FOUR years.
He is going silent on you on purpose as he doesnt want the akward conversation. Cringing so bad for you luv.

friendlycat · 13/02/2022 01:01

I’m another one coming on to say you are getting this muddled as to what a fwb is. Quite understandably you see this as a relationship as time has gone by but he doesn’t. Not wanting to meet your children was key here.

But it has not all been a waste of time. You were grieving, had children to deal with and fell into this quasi relationship that worked for you. But realistically it had time limits on it and surprisingly it lasted this long.

Yes I would imagine he’s met someone and wants to progress forward with a new relationship that means he doesn’t need or want the fwb that you offer. But he obviously likes you and doesn’t want to hurt you. However it’s too late for that as you’ve developed stronger feelings.

Try and look at the positive side. It’s hard at the moment but hopefully it will free you to now be open to another proper relationship with someone else who wants the same things as you and to be part of you and your DCs lives. There is hope but just in another way.

AllyBama · 13/02/2022 01:03

To look at it from his angle.. I’d say he might be a bit offended that you didn’t believe him when you questioned him about seeing other people which may be why he hasn’t been in contact.

As you say, you’ve been very close over the last 4 years, a great support to each other and up until now this arrangement has suited you both. It’s in the title of your OP that he’s a FWB so that’s obviously how you think of him, even if you have some feelings there. Sure, he was a bit quiet one day, you queried it, he answered and you said you didn’t believe him. How would you feel if he said that to you?

Look, maybe your gut instinct is right and he’s met someone and at the end of the day even if you were just FWB he probably should have let you know. But maybe it was just one date? Or maybe it was nothing at all and you’ve made a mountain out of a molehill and hes pissed off because you’ve changed the parameters of the relationship suddenly.

Either way it’s up to him to get in contact with you now.

Bohemianwannabe · 13/02/2022 01:08

What's fwb??? Confused

AnnaK163 · 13/02/2022 02:42

FWB is the new name for "friends that fuck". It's not any kind of a relationship - up front, FWB means there is no commitment or exclusivity. Can't imagine how that can be good for your mental health - gradually bonding with someone you know wants you only for sex but you aren't good enough for a relationship. There must be a better life that that?
FWB is what people do at college, it isn't for grown-up people. Men love it I guess - how incredible that any woman would waste her precious time on that (let alone STD and pregancy risk)

WorstXmasEver · 13/02/2022 02:43

You're just a vagina to him & should probably stop seeing him.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 13/02/2022 02:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

AllyBama · 13/02/2022 05:28

FWB = friends with benefits

Pumpfive · 13/02/2022 08:08

@AnnaK163

FWB is the new name for "friends that fuck". It's not any kind of a relationship - up front, FWB means there is no commitment or exclusivity. Can't imagine how that can be good for your mental health - gradually bonding with someone you know wants you only for sex but you aren't good enough for a relationship. There must be a better life that that? FWB is what people do at college, it isn't for grown-up people. Men love it I guess - how incredible that any woman would waste her precious time on that (let alone STD and pregancy risk)
This is a fairly sexist and outdated view actually. Friends with benefits works for both men AND women. So long as it's what you both want.
Missnataliex · 13/02/2022 08:22

Some of these comments are absolutely dreadful. Blows my mind reading some of them!

mUserBot9to5 · 13/02/2022 08:43

I know, lI agree @missnataliex it's like the OP isn't allowed to feel a little but hurt at the end of this arrangement. Or to wish the reason for its ending could be communicated to her.

She knew it was an FWB arrangement and described it as such. Doesn't mean that after 4 years she won't be noticing his absence.

One poster said the OP ''seemed to be spiralling in to a dark place''. She OP said she didn't know what was going on!

The willingness to project madness and delusion on to somebody is so hasty.

KimCheese · 13/02/2022 09:06

@AnnaK163

FWB is the new name for "friends that fuck". It's not any kind of a relationship - up front, FWB means there is no commitment or exclusivity. Can't imagine how that can be good for your mental health - gradually bonding with someone you know wants you only for sex but you aren't good enough for a relationship. There must be a better life that that? FWB is what people do at college, it isn't for grown-up people. Men love it I guess - how incredible that any woman would waste her precious time on that (let alone STD and pregancy risk)
Your comment is steeped in judgement.

Plenty of women and men enter into this MUTUALLY. How hard is it to believe that a woman can enjoy sex without all this mad bonding that everyone on MN is obsessed with currently.

Your comment assumes we're all stupid, get duped and fall pregnant.

Not everyone wants hearts and flowers, for myriad grown up reasons.

sotrueindeed · 13/02/2022 09:16

But fwb is about liking and caring about someone but just not wanting a committed relationship

How often do you tell your friends you like them and miss them when you are not with them?
Its the sort of thing you say to a romantic partner. Not a mate you meet up with once a month.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/02/2022 09:17

@AnnaK163

FWB is the new name for "friends that fuck". It's not any kind of a relationship - up front, FWB means there is no commitment or exclusivity. Can't imagine how that can be good for your mental health - gradually bonding with someone you know wants you only for sex but you aren't good enough for a relationship. There must be a better life that that? FWB is what people do at college, it isn't for grown-up people. Men love it I guess - how incredible that any woman would waste her precious time on that (let alone STD and pregancy risk)
I had a FWB and I very much enjoyed it. I don't want a committed relationship. Not all women are the same. I only wanted HIM for sex.
sotrueindeed · 13/02/2022 09:21

@sotrueindeed

But fwb is about liking and caring about someone but just not wanting a committed relationship

How often do you tell your friends you like them and miss them when you are not with them?
Its the sort of thing you say to a romantic partner. Not a mate you meet up with once a month.

Not saying he wants a romantic partner btw, just that he has been a bit of a cad to express emotions more fitting of a relationship when that is not what he wants. Its what we used to call ' leading someone on.'
StellaGibs · 13/02/2022 09:26

@AnnaK163

FWB is the new name for "friends that fuck". It's not any kind of a relationship - up front, FWB means there is no commitment or exclusivity. Can't imagine how that can be good for your mental health - gradually bonding with someone you know wants you only for sex but you aren't good enough for a relationship. There must be a better life that that? FWB is what people do at college, it isn't for grown-up people. Men love it I guess - how incredible that any woman would waste her precious time on that (let alone STD and pregancy risk)
Id waste my time on it. Ive no room in my life for a partner. I just wouldnt do it long term because I have experience that it ends up confused.