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Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
boringaccountant · 13/02/2022 12:12

What sticks out for me is that it looks like you think you're owed an explanation, and you're really really not. If he's been on dates, that's up to him. You've asked him and you aren't happy with his answer. If he's lied and told you he isnt dating but actually he is.. so what? You aren't entitled to know what he's doing in his private love life just as much as you aren't with any of your female friends. With all due respect you are friends with benefits, its supposed to be no strings attached. These situations are meant to be for people who don't necessarily want a relationship or romantic companionship, but you're treating him as if you're owed exclusivity and that isn't fair. He's been upfront and honest about not wanting to meet your kids or take things further. I dont think he's doing anything wrong, I think you're expecting more of him emotionally than a FWB and that's on you, not him.

pawpaws2022 · 13/02/2022 12:26

Haven't RTFT yet but definitely lines have to be very clear
I had a FWB for 18 years. Text occasionally, never ever stay over, chat limited to "how's work/how was your holiday" type stuff and no loitering about after sex!

AlDanvers · 13/02/2022 12:44

@mUserBot9to5

oh I think we all understand it *@aldanvers*, it's the posts repeating the definition of FWB as though the OP can't grasp that definition that are very unfeeling. Why are posters so harsh? Does it make them feel superior. I guess it must. OP isn't in denial, she's admitted she slipped in to this situation.

I've never had a FWB thank god because it seems you're not even allowed to hope for common decency or respect or communication about the ''changing terms''. You have to know that you deserve none of that. Where is the ''F'' in FWB I wonder.

You're not allowed to have any reaction at all to a habit coming to a close (maybe).

He didn't change the terms. He stuck to them. Op changed the terms. It happens. But she didn't discuss with him. He hasn't disrespected her. He hasn't changed the terms.

People clearly don't understand. Because they think the OP was used or disrespected or think he led her on. They clearly don't understand what fwb is.

GentlemanJayFab · 13/02/2022 12:51

I had a FWB for two and a half years. We were not fuck buddies. Completely different.

When it came to an end she told me she was going to give a proper relationship a go. She was honest with me. I wished her luck and all the best.

I was really upset because we had an amazing relationship although not conventional.

I think the problem here is the OP has got a bit confused about the status of their relationship.

Maybe she thinks her guy just needs to be honest with her too after all the time they have spent together. He owes her that.

GentlemanJayFab · 13/02/2022 12:52

@RedCandyApple

What’s is there to discuss, friends with benefits is just sex till one of you meets someone they want a relationship with, it’s not his fault she caught feelings.
It's not just sex. That what fuck buddies are. Completely different.
RedCandyApple · 13/02/2022 12:56

It’s casual sex with a friend as in it’s not MORE than that. It’s not a relationship

RedCandyApple · 13/02/2022 12:57

friend with benefits
phrase of friend
INFORMAL
a friend with whom one has an occasional and casual sexual relationship.

Casual sexual relationship

Suprima · 13/02/2022 12:58

@bellinirocks

So no contact from him still. So I sent him a text - for my benefit probably more than his, saying that I hope he is ok ( as I do worry abt him as he is so closed off with his feelings) and that I was sorry for assuming he had a date , but even if he had, that would have been ok. But that I didn't like the way it made me feel and therefore it was probably best to call it a day. I've deleted his number but not blocked him or anything. That's it. I'm annoyed with myself for wallowing over this the past couple of days so I'm going to get on with things today. And for those saying I've been used etc. it certainly didn't feel like it - we had a lovely friendship - that is what is was essentially. He was always there for me , bought me flowers, cooked me dinner, made me laugh- so I don't regret anything.
But you were used as a FWB. Men can act out a ‘girlfriend experience’ with the women they are having dalliances with. They like the female company- feeling like a big man with flowers and treats, and the satisfaction of you getting more emotionally invested with him. You were always there, on the end of the phone when he needed a chat or an ego groom. Just because he didn’t shag you with his coat on and walk out the door 2 minutes later doesn’t mean you weren’t completely casual.

If wanted you to be his girlfriend, he had four years to make it happen. He didn’t.

Well done for licking your wounds and moving on- it definitely can’t be easy. But be wary in the future of FWBs who act like your boyfriend- because at the end of they day, they aren’t, and you will only get more invested and hurt. Flowers

mUserBot9to5 · 13/02/2022 12:58

People understand what an FWB is @AlDanvers what they don't seem to understand is human emotion is not necessarily programmed in like coding.

RedCandyApple · 13/02/2022 13:01

Clearly some people don’t understand what FWB is! Clearly from reading this thread.

RachHen · 13/02/2022 13:04

Oh op. I’m sorry for you. But DO NOT RELENT

Toanewstart23 · 13/02/2022 13:12

@RachHen

Oh op. I’m sorry for you. But DO NOT RELENT
I had a very casual boyfriend at uni Good sex, nice chats and occasional night out Over a year

Met someone on a night out. And knew within minutes… this was who I wanted. Actually wanted.

Ended it with the casual guy. Started a proper relationship with the new guy

sotrueindeed · 13/02/2022 13:22

It's a mutual, non committed friendship with benefits that usually do end for many reasons

Well, there you have it. Its not really a friendship is it? Because friendships are committed. People in friendships have a mutual emotional investment in each other. That is what separates a friendship from an acquaintance or work colleague.

Someone on here, who had been an OW once described an affair as a pseudo-relationship. And it is - you go through all the mechanisms and behaviours of a relationship, but at the end of the day its all much sound and fury, signifying nothing. The same is true, I think, of many of these FWB arrangements. They go through the motions of a friendship but none of the depth or commitment is there. You are both ultimately and utterly disposable to each other. Thing is, its easy to start to believe the act is real. And the more real you can fake it as real, the more enjoyable the 'relationship' (and sex) is. And that's where people get hurt. Because it starts to feel real.

Original poster
bellinirocks · 13/02/2022 13:35

So he's called me this morning. Asked why I was talking the way I am, that I'm not normally like this and said I can't go around accusing people of things. He said he's just been quiet because he hasn't felt like talking or messaging anyone the past couple of days including his friends. He repeated that if he went on a date he would tell me.

He asked how I am ( because I have Covid atm) and said I should take some medicine. Then I said I had to go , which was kind of true. Now I don't know what to think. I feel v confused.

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 13/02/2022 13:39

@bellinirocks

So he's called me this morning. Asked why I was talking the way I am, that I'm not normally like this and said I can't go around accusing people of things. He said he's just been quiet because he hasn't felt like talking or messaging anyone the past couple of days including his friends. He repeated that if he went on a date he would tell me.

He asked how I am ( because I have Covid atm) and said I should take some medicine. Then I said I had to go , which was kind of true. Now I don't know what to think. I feel v confused.

Not sure what there's to be confused about.

He wants fwb. You don't. Nor do you trust him to be honest.

You could easily block his number and then delete it if you really wanted to. But I suspect you will get back involved and end up in this position again.

Only you know what you can handle.

Original poster
bellinirocks · 13/02/2022 13:44

Do people really block someone they've known for a long time ??? Seems abit mean . I don't really want to do that.

OP posts:
PainterMummy · 13/02/2022 13:46

Agree with previous posters. This has made you realise he means more to you than FWB and you’re not happy with the current arrangement. Time to have discussions about your future together. If you both do not want the same thing, time to move on. You’ll only end up getting hurt over and over again.

Suprima · 13/02/2022 13:49

@bellinirocks

So he's called me this morning. Asked why I was talking the way I am, that I'm not normally like this and said I can't go around accusing people of things. He said he's just been quiet because he hasn't felt like talking or messaging anyone the past couple of days including his friends. He repeated that if he went on a date he would tell me.

He asked how I am ( because I have Covid atm) and said I should take some medicine. Then I said I had to go , which was kind of true. Now I don't know what to think. I feel v confused.

I think you are too emotionally invested and you should cut this off immediately.
KimCheese · 13/02/2022 13:49

Read through the more constructive comments you've had.

Either way (whether you believe him or not) something has changed and you need to confront the reasons why you reacted the way you did.

KimCheese · 13/02/2022 13:50

@bellinirocks

Do people really block someone they've known for a long time ??? Seems abit mean . I don't really want to do that.
I don't think you should block but I do think you need an honest f2f discussion with him.
justasking111 · 13/02/2022 13:51

@bellinirocks

Do people really block someone they've known for a long time ??? Seems abit mean . I don't really want to do that.
Well I wouldn't block, but I would move on. Honestly if your kids were 15 or 40 they will give anyone you meet a hard time. I know a couple both widowed who went to registry office got married before they went on Three week honeymoon posted letter to each child from both of them to all their kids who were adults and parents there was still trouble
StellaGibs · 13/02/2022 13:51

@KimCheese

The thing I noticed about this thread is how popular it is, and the reason I think it's got lots of posts is the volume of people popping in to point out to the OP all her mistakes, almost gleefully, because she dared to do something they either don't understand or that they judge.
Yes...I find the number of people IRL who are baffled by my zero lack of desire to find a partner hilarious. It shows up in this thread too.
SockFluffInTheBath · 13/02/2022 14:09

OP Could you tell him you want more than fwb now, that you’d like an exclusive relationship- not any more intense or cohabiting etc but just a ‘proper’ relationship? You can’t go on like this, you’ll drive yourself mad. If he says no then you need to think about if you’re happy to potentially share, or if you need to move on for your own peace of mind Flowers

NameChangeNymph · 13/02/2022 14:10

@bellinirocks

Do people really block someone they've known for a long time ??? Seems abit mean . I don't really want to do that.
No OP, he's done nothing wrong so it would be really off to block him. It's also a very immature way of ending a perfectly good friendship.
Viviennemary · 13/02/2022 14:11

I thoughg the whole point of fwbs was no strings attached. Confused