Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 18:50

It was always going to hurt when it had to end. You will get through this Wine

If it doesn't work out with Miss Good Enough to be a proper girlfriend, just make sure that you don't slip back in to old habits.

That doesn't work for you. xx

SupremeDreamz · 12/02/2022 18:51

Op from what you've written I think fwb became "boyfriend with special conditions" for you at some point. Some people have exclusive relationships where they decide they won't live together or see each other too often/long distance etc and it does kind of sound like you crossed over into thinking of it like that.

If he is a fwb there's no real reason for him to declare other dates or liaisons, unless that's what you both agreed to when you started out.

You don't have to have a traditional setup with an exclusive partner if you don't want to do that, it doesn't mean there aren't lots of other options than fwb.

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 18:53

I had a similar experience with a man only 3 years younger than I am. I have two dc and he had none. he thought of himself as young, free and single. I guess he was but not that young. He asked me something once about had I ever been with a younger man and he obviously saw me as an older woman. I was surprised at the time and was focused on how I didn't view him as a younger man. I viewed him as a man roughly my own age. I was 45 and he was 42 but he was trying to find a woman young enough to have DC with as well. I don't know if he managed that. But he did have me filed under ''older woman''.

I have a more recent x though, he is 6 years younger than i am and I met him in real life and he has never made me feel older or too old.

2bazookas · 12/02/2022 18:54

@Toanewstart23

4 years

Ever gone to the cinema? Restaurant? Long walk and a meal out? Coffee? Shopping together? Holiday?

She won't leave the children over night, and he's never met them.

Sounds to me like she and FWB have never even spent a night together.

notthatonethisone · 12/02/2022 18:55

@bellinirocks

It's something that has evolved over time - I never thought when I first started talking to him we would still be in contact 4 years later ! But time flies and it suited both of us . And he has been a great support to me - and he assured me he was happy with things as they were - sure we talked abt seeing each other more - but he was just as keen as me - he told me he really liked me and really missed me when we didn't see each other. But I think in the cold light of day - he prob has been seeing other women/ I am the 48 milf with two teenage children that he shagged occasionally and nothing more. I'm gutted .
I am sorry. I know it's hard

But take this as a positive. He was supportive. He was there for you. You had fun. At a time when it would have been hard to have a more structured relationship he was there throughout.

Four years is a long time. Allow yourself time to grieve this ending.

Take a breath. Appreciate the the positives from this. And then onwards and upwards. Now your kids are older. Things are different.

Use this experience to pinpoint what it is you really want. And then don't settle. Because you're worth it.

ufucoffee · 12/02/2022 18:56

OP if he has a high sex drive it's very unlikely you've been his only sexual partner for all this time. It doesn't make any sense that you would be

AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 18:57

But you can miss your fwb. You can want to see them more. You can like them.

And not want a relationship. Again, nothing there was not a promise of a relationship. Or even a suggestion of one.

This obviously doesn't suit you because you have spent today, upsetting yourself because he might have gone out with someone.

I think you kept telling yourself what you needed to. You convinced yourself that you were fine with the set up, because one day it would all come together.

But you can't really blame him for that. Be gutted for a short while. But don't get sucked back in when he wants a shag. Because you will likey do the same again.

Maybe take sometime to understand why, in your head you made this out to be more than it was and what you want.

Look after yourself. Flowers

2bazookas · 12/02/2022 18:59

sorry., but "he has a high sex drive" absolutely does NOT match with only meeting you for sex once a month.

Greenrubber · 12/02/2022 19:06

Someone always ends up getting hurt

MrsBerthaRochester · 12/02/2022 19:15

Op you gave him the chance to see you more when you said he could meet your kids. He chose not to as he is happy with the once a month shag.
Yes you ARE the milf in this situation. Its sucks and I been there but you have to find the self respect to say enough. He keeps you secret because be doesnt value you enough.

TatianaBis · 12/02/2022 19:18

It's not a question of not valuing her enough.

They have FWB situation. It has suited them both well for 4 years.

Now OP is catching feels and he is not. So FWB comes to an end.

Crystalvas · 12/02/2022 19:27

@bellinirocks

I would be proud of him- I've told my closest friends abt him, I've said he can meet my children. He's the one that said he doesn't want to meet them and I don't think he's told anyone abt me.
Well that telld you all you need to know. Throw this one back.
Dollyblueeyes · 12/02/2022 19:32

I've had similar and although we never said what we were , when it ended it was painful, we have stayed friends and occasionally it turns to sexual banter then back to nothing , from our txts we get annoyed with each other too, as neither of us will now share any feelings or what's going on in our life's with each other , I'm about to try and wind down the friendship as that is also painful sometimes and as hard as it is it needs to stop completely for me to move on to what I actually do want which is more of a commitment .

grapewine · 12/02/2022 19:36

Is it unusual to not tell your friends about your FWB? I never have.

YoBeaches · 12/02/2022 19:45

It's not so much that he's lied to you more more that he doesn't owe you anything as FWB. But I've never know FWB for 4 yrs. either way I think the best thing for both of you is to end it.

blyn72 · 12/02/2022 20:06

Time to move on, bellinirocks.

Ginger1982 · 12/02/2022 20:20

@bellinirocks

I can't leave the house as I have Covid atm - hence waiting for the kids to leave!

I think it's clear he is going to deny having other dates and seeing women. But he is 35 he is very attractive - kind of tall dark and handsome type. And he has a high sex drive. I'm just finding it hard thinking he's lied to me abt this.

A man with a high sex drive is definitely not just having it once a month with you.
AcrossthePond55 · 12/02/2022 20:22

@bellinirocks

It's something that has evolved over time - I never thought when I first started talking to him we would still be in contact 4 years later ! But time flies and it suited both of us . And he has been a great support to me - and he assured me he was happy with things as they were - sure we talked abt seeing each other more - but he was just as keen as me - he told me he really liked me and really missed me when we didn't see each other. But I think in the cold light of day - he prob has been seeing other women/ I am the 48 milf with two teenage children that he shagged occasionally and nothing more. I'm gutted .
But the thing is, he doesn't owe you an explanation and is not accountable to you for what he does. He isn't required to tell you if he's seeing or sleeping with someone else (assuming you are practicing safe sex) unless this is something the two of you have specifically agreed on. Any more than any 'friend' owes you the details of their sex life. At this point I don't blame him for lying about it (if he is lying). You've overreacted and are demanding information that he has a right not to divulge.

Your reaction shows that you are way, way too invested in this situation. For your own peace of mind I think you need to end it.

sotrueindeed · 12/02/2022 20:46

he told me he really liked me and really missed me when we didn't see each other

Well then you are right to be hurt.

The guys who want a side shag/ affair, but still want to think of themselves as 'nice guys' do this. They like having fond feelings for their FB/side shag and think that telling their FB how much they like and miss them makes them a nice guy. But all that is just about their self-perception and their own enjoyment. They never stop to think how the woman may receive it, and how it encourages her to build feelings and hope about the 'relationship.'

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 20:50

@sotrueindeed

he told me he really liked me and really missed me when we didn't see each other

Well then you are right to be hurt.

The guys who want a side shag/ affair, but still want to think of themselves as 'nice guys' do this. They like having fond feelings for their FB/side shag and think that telling their FB how much they like and miss them makes them a nice guy. But all that is just about their self-perception and their own enjoyment. They never stop to think how the woman may receive it, and how it encourages her to build feelings and hope about the 'relationship.'

But fwb is about liking and caring about someone but just not wanting a committed relationship
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 12/02/2022 20:50

@bellinirocks

It's something that has evolved over time - I never thought when I first started talking to him we would still be in contact 4 years later ! But time flies and it suited both of us . And he has been a great support to me - and he assured me he was happy with things as they were - sure we talked abt seeing each other more - but he was just as keen as me - he told me he really liked me and really missed me when we didn't see each other. But I think in the cold light of day - he prob has been seeing other women/ I am the 48 milf with two teenage children that he shagged occasionally and nothing more. I'm gutted .
There's good things there, you can mourn it's not what you want now, but it sounds like the relationship has been a positive for a couple of years, not a waste. It was what you needed then, maybe it's not what you need now. It's okay to say that, to say you need more or you need to go NC. It's good to have boundaries, say what you want, own it. I think the sex question is a red herring, you want more than FWB now, you asked him to come over on the weekend when you had your DC and he didn't want to meet them, that to me says he's not thinking long term. You'll never know if he's had sex with others, I don't think it's necessarily a 100% that he has. The more important point is that you're deeply emotionally invested now, things need to evolve or end otherwise you're risking much bigger hurt. Leave the ball in his court, if he contacts be honest that FWB isn't what you want anymore.

I understand wanting to focus on your DC, but maybe it's time to reassess the idea of having a real relationship, which could slowly build up to having him in DCs lives. Your DC are teens, you may be seeing less of them well before they go to university. It's not unusual for teens to pull away a bit and be more independent. If you're ready for something more with someone I'd have a long hard think about if your DC still need that from you or if you can start moving forward with your life.

XiCi · 12/02/2022 20:56

Great post LunaAndHerMoonDragons

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 22:21

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons thanks for your words, I'm going to mull on it overnight

OP posts:
Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 22:22

And he hasn't contacted me , I don't know what is going on Sad

OP posts:
thebigpurpleone · 12/02/2022 22:24

@THisbackwithavengeance

Call me old fashioned but why would you shag a man for 4 years, text and speak everyday and yet somehow not be in a relationship?

No wonder these men are so pleased with themselves.

This! FOUR years? Raise your standards.
Swipe left for the next trending thread