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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Inspectorslack · 13/02/2022 09:28

I had a Fwb thing. It was great at the time. We were mates and we fucked if it suited us.

I wasn’t wanting a relationship at the time and he wasn’t suitable for one anyway but he was sexy cute and a good shag and it was fun.

My Head isn’t and wasn’t messed up in wanting and having casual sex. It would have been if I’d gone into a relationship at the time which I knew I didn’t want and wasn’t ready for and he was not suitable for anyway

Silvergreen · 13/02/2022 09:33

@Missnataliex

Some of these comments are absolutely dreadful. Blows my mind reading some of them!
Agreed. Some of the ones written in the middle of the night must have been by drunk people.
Original poster
bellinirocks · 13/02/2022 09:34

So no contact from him still. So I sent him a text - for my benefit probably more than his, saying that I hope he is ok ( as I do worry abt him as he is so closed off with his feelings) and that I was sorry for assuming he had a date , but even if he had, that would have been ok. But that I didn't like the way it made me feel and therefore it was probably best to call it a day. I've deleted his number but not blocked him or anything.
That's it. I'm annoyed with myself for wallowing over this the past couple of days so I'm going to get on with things today.
And for those saying I've been used etc. it certainly didn't feel like it - we had a lovely friendship - that is what is was essentially. He was always there for me , bought me flowers, cooked me dinner, made me laugh- so I don't regret anything.

OP posts:
ufucoffee · 13/02/2022 09:39

@bellinirocks

So no contact from him still. So I sent him a text - for my benefit probably more than his, saying that I hope he is ok ( as I do worry abt him as he is so closed off with his feelings) and that I was sorry for assuming he had a date , but even if he had, that would have been ok. But that I didn't like the way it made me feel and therefore it was probably best to call it a day. I've deleted his number but not blocked him or anything. That's it. I'm annoyed with myself for wallowing over this the past couple of days so I'm going to get on with things today. And for those saying I've been used etc. it certainly didn't feel like it - we had a lovely friendship - that is what is was essentially. He was always there for me , bought me flowers, cooked me dinner, made me laugh- so I don't regret anything.
Good for you OP. That must have been very difficult for you. Hope all goes well Thanks
KimCheese · 13/02/2022 09:41

Sounds good OP.

I'm like you, I like the closure so it seems like you've had a chance to say your piece and get on with your day.

Do take some time to reflect on all of this, figure out how to fill that time because by every evening is a significant amount of time.

Also have a think about how you'd react if he pops up today/in a couple of weeks.

Don't have any regrets, and ignore the judgey posts on here.

Silvergreen · 13/02/2022 09:42

That's a really important and measured message and you've done the right thing. Give yourself a bit of healing time and then get out there and look for the relationship you deserve. Good luck.

Lovemusic33 · 13/02/2022 09:42

Sorry that you haven’t heard from him op, it does sound like he was using you until something better came along.
I have been in a similar position, my FWB hasn’t been in contact since Christmas, just went from messaging me daily to nothing. The FWB was my choice, he had feelings for me, I didn’t want a relationship so I don’t blame him for protecting himself but I miss his friendship and the messaging. If someone’s been contacting you daily for years and then suddenly vanish it does hurt, it’s not necessarily about the sex.

I wouldn’t contact him again however hard it is, you will get over it and find someone else (either a FWB or a relationship).

grapewine · 13/02/2022 10:05

Good. Sounds like the best thing to have done for you.

grapewine · 13/02/2022 10:10

I had a FWB and I very much enjoyed it. I don't want a committed relationship. Not all women are the same. I only wanted HIM for sex.

Exactly this. I have no desire to have a man around. I like my freedom at this point.

AlDanvers · 13/02/2022 10:25

People who are saying he was using tough or led you on dont really understand fwb.

Fwb do often spend weeks together or cooking for eachother or just not having sex. That's what the difference between a fuck buddy and friends with benefits, is.

Op caught feelings, read too much into it and thought it was going somewhere. But he was clear with clear boundaries. Ophasnr done anything hugely wrong. But she wasn't used either. She wasn't led on.

Its just turned our, how it's turn out. FWB often come to an end because one person doesn't want that anymore or one meets someone they want a committed relationship with. Because it's FWB not a committed relationship, that's not used until something better comes along. It's a mutual, non committed friendship with benefits that usually do end for many reasons. You can like someone, enjoy their company and enjoy see with them. But a relationship isn't the right thing. Nothing wrong with that as long as everyone knows that what it is.

Op I hope you find what you want. Wether another fwb or more committed relationship.

mUserBot9to5 · 13/02/2022 10:38

oh I think we all understand it @aldanvers, it's the posts repeating the definition of FWB as though the OP can't grasp that definition that are very unfeeling. Why are posters so harsh? Does it make them feel superior. I guess it must. OP isn't in denial, she's admitted she slipped in to this situation.

I've never had a FWB thank god because it seems you're not even allowed to hope for common decency or respect or communication about the ''changing terms''. You have to know that you deserve none of that. Where is the ''F'' in FWB I wonder.

You're not allowed to have any reaction at all to a habit coming to a close (maybe).

Inspectorslack · 13/02/2022 10:44

But the op also didn’t talk to him about changing the terms of the FWB? How’s he supposed to have known if she didn’t tell him?

KimCheese · 13/02/2022 10:49

The thing I noticed about this thread is how popular it is, and the reason I think it's got lots of posts is the volume of people popping in to point out to the OP all her mistakes, almost gleefully, because she dared to do something they either don't understand or that they judge.

Missnataliex · 13/02/2022 10:53

@bellinirocks

So no contact from him still. So I sent him a text - for my benefit probably more than his, saying that I hope he is ok ( as I do worry abt him as he is so closed off with his feelings) and that I was sorry for assuming he had a date , but even if he had, that would have been ok. But that I didn't like the way it made me feel and therefore it was probably best to call it a day. I've deleted his number but not blocked him or anything. That's it. I'm annoyed with myself for wallowing over this the past couple of days so I'm going to get on with things today. And for those saying I've been used etc. it certainly didn't feel like it - we had a lovely friendship - that is what is was essentially. He was always there for me , bought me flowers, cooked me dinner, made me laugh- so I don't regret anything.
Well done. Really proud of you for taking control!

Xxx

mUserBot9to5 · 13/02/2022 10:55

@Inspectorslack

But the op also didn’t talk to him about changing the terms of the FWB? How’s he supposed to have known if she didn’t tell him?
She didn't know how she'd feel until he stopped contacting her I guess? It was a habit slipped in to after 4 years, she has said this.

People RACE gleefully to define FWB in these situations but honestly what about the definition of friend. Is it taken as read that in this context ''friendship'' is null and void and actually meaningless, that it's just fucking, just free prostitution!?

I used to go to a coffee shop every day for about 2 years (not 4) and the man who ran it let me know he was selling up!

RedCandyApple · 13/02/2022 10:58

What’s is there to discuss, friends with benefits is just sex till one of you meets someone they want a relationship with, it’s not his fault she caught feelings.

mUserBot9to5 · 13/02/2022 10:59

@bellinirocks

So no contact from him still. So I sent him a text - for my benefit probably more than his, saying that I hope he is ok ( as I do worry abt him as he is so closed off with his feelings) and that I was sorry for assuming he had a date , but even if he had, that would have been ok. But that I didn't like the way it made me feel and therefore it was probably best to call it a day. I've deleted his number but not blocked him or anything. That's it. I'm annoyed with myself for wallowing over this the past couple of days so I'm going to get on with things today. And for those saying I've been used etc. it certainly didn't feel like it - we had a lovely friendship - that is what is was essentially. He was always there for me , bought me flowers, cooked me dinner, made me laugh- so I don't regret anything.
Oh well done @bellinirocks best thing. Now you're not waiting to see how it pans out. You have just decided. Wine

Apologies for talking about you there! but sometimes I get a shock on mumsnet, the race to be harsh rather than supportive.

Don;t berate yourself for ''wallowing''. You were just figuring out that things werent' the same as before.

Inspectorslack · 13/02/2022 10:59

It definitely is not free prostitution even in a fuck buddy situation but I expect you’ll disagree with me on that.

mUserBot9to5 · 13/02/2022 11:00

Well yes of course, if you cannot even expect respect or communication without being berated for being naive.

BearOfEasttown · 13/02/2022 11:29

@bellinirocks

He still hasn't got in touch.... Sad

PLEASE do yourself a favour. Cut this guy loose, and have some self respect!

BearOfEasttown · 13/02/2022 11:33

@bellinirocks

So no contact from him still. So I sent him a text - for my benefit probably more than his, saying that I hope he is ok ( as I do worry about him as he is so closed off with his feelings) and that I was sorry for assuming he had a date , but even if he had, that would have been ok. But that I didn't like the way it made me feel and therefore it was probably best to call it a day. I've deleted his number but not blocked him or anything.

That's it. I'm annoyed with myself for wallowing over this the past couple of days so I'm going to get on with things today. And for those saying I've been used etc. it certainly didn't feel like it - we had a lovely friendship - that is what is was essentially. He was always there for me , bought me flowers, cooked me dinner, made me laugh- so I don't regret anything.

I missed this! Sorry @bellinirocks

GOOD FOR YOU! For dumping him. All the best! Smile

I am not saying you have been 'used' but you have to admit, you did fall for him.

ChickenStripper · 13/02/2022 11:39

@bellinirocks

So no contact from him still. So I sent him a text - for my benefit probably more than his, saying that I hope he is ok ( as I do worry abt him as he is so closed off with his feelings) and that I was sorry for assuming he had a date , but even if he had, that would have been ok. But that I didn't like the way it made me feel and therefore it was probably best to call it a day. I've deleted his number but not blocked him or anything. That's it. I'm annoyed with myself for wallowing over this the past couple of days so I'm going to get on with things today. And for those saying I've been used etc. it certainly didn't feel like it - we had a lovely friendship - that is what is was essentially. He was always there for me , bought me flowers, cooked me dinner, made me laugh- so I don't regret anything.
He served his purpose which was he showed that you can be in a relationship with someone again if you choose to - a more equal one. Be prepared for him coming back for another shag or two. He won't change his mind so be prepared to be firm. Don't see him to talk it over - that won't end well.
TheFormidableMrsC · 13/02/2022 11:39

I really feel for you, I've been in the same situation. Also a much younger guy and our FWB relationship lasted six years. To be fair to him he was completely honest with me when he met somebody and I think he thought we could still be friends but it hurt more than I thought it would so I knew going NC was the best thing for both of us. I know you've come to a conclusion but I just wanted to offer some solidarity. I hope you find somebody lovely going forward Thanks

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/02/2022 11:41

@RedCandyApple

What’s is there to discuss, friends with benefits is just sex till one of you meets someone they want a relationship with, it’s not his fault she caught feelings.
I totally agree with this. If you're going to go down this road, and I have, you need to have clear boundaries.
CarpeVitam · 13/02/2022 11:54

@Missnataliex

Some of these comments are absolutely dreadful. Blows my mind reading some of them!
Agreed