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Original poster

DH doesn't want to spend his birthday with us

354 replies

Limewater · 10/02/2022 22:19

Hi there,

New here but I’ve been a lurker for years - hoping some of you ladies can give me your opinion on this dilemma because I’ve gotten in a right mood over it and now can’t tell if I’m being way over the top?!

DH and I have been together since we were 16. 13 years later and we have a DD and DS and just got married in January 2022. My DH is due to turn 30 in April and a couple of weeks ago I started making a list of things I thought he might like to do - travel/fancy meal/night outs etc. I figure everyone wants a fuss made out of them on their 30th?! Anyway, he listened to the ideas and gave a lack lustre response but didn’t downright dismiss any of them.

Cut to this evening, he’s come in and said, ‘I’ve checked with the ‘boys’ and they’re all free on my birthday weekend - so I’m planning to go to Edinburgh on my birthday (Fri 15th) and come back on the Sunday (Sun 17th)’.

I was upset because I came up with loads of plans for him to choose from. All really well thought through and involving varying degrees of friend groups so there would have been loads to enjoy. But he doesn’t want to spend his 30th with me AT ALL. I guess I’ll be at home looking after the children. Not to mention that that weekend is actually Easter Weekend - which I feel like should be considered family time?

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
greenlynx · 11/02/2022 16:06

I suppose it’s a bit wrong question to ask him. He’s probably married you for logistics in a good way: your relationship is simpler now from law pov. Your rights ( for both of you) are covered.
The questions are why he is with you? Is it because of simplicity (all domestic sides are covered and he’s got safe sex) or he enjoys your life together?
Sorry you are going through this.
Don’t get another child, at least atm.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 11/02/2022 16:07

@PostThenGhost

I just fee confused - what does he want?!

A big lads night out for his significant birthday without being made to feel guilty.

It’s not a night out, it’s 3 nights away.
Toanewstart23 · 11/02/2022 16:07

[quote toomuchlaundry]@Toanewstart23 why get married in January and then want out second week of Feb[/quote]
If you never wanted to get married in the first place
Felt pushed in to it
Pressure

Pathetic not to deal with it before the wedding
But we see it sometimes on mumsnet. Brides to be wanting a get out but worried about cost / what people will think etc

Toanewstart23 · 11/02/2022 16:08

No @ShallWeTalkAboutBruno

It’s two nights
Friday and Saturday night

FluffyFlower · 11/02/2022 16:10

OP clearly states he pushed for marriage, wants a second child etc. I don't think he wants out but he got complacent and takes her for granted. No more planning nice things for him, trying too hard etc, time to get selfish and put yourself first.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 11/02/2022 16:12

Ok 2 nights. I was confused because in her second post the OP says Edinburgh isn’t cheap, especially for 4 days.

Regardless, it’s not a night out. It’s a weekend away. Friday- Sunday.

noirchatsdeux · 11/02/2022 16:14

My mother was Catholic, my father was not. They got married only because my mother got pregnant 9 months into their relationship. It was only when she found out she was pregnant that she also found out my father had been lying about being the same age...he was 5 years younger than her, he had just turned 20 that same month!

He'd also always said that he didn't want children, and for some reason my mother has never disclosed 'she thought she couldn't have them'....I have two brothers...

After your update, this is far more than just him wanting to act like a single man on his 30th...

mydogisthebest · 11/02/2022 16:17

@FrangipaniBlue

Do people really get hurty feels about their partners "not spending their birthday with them" ??

Wtf???

There are 364 other days in a year to spend with your partner..... Hmm

But those other 364 days are NOT birthdays are they?

Plenty of people like to celebrate their birthdays. As I said, we have both taken our birthdays off work and always done something on both our birthdays.

Birthdays have always been big days in my family. DH had shit birthdays when he was young and when we met over 40 years ago he said he thought my birthday should be special and celebrated by taking time off work, going out or away, presents, nice card etc.

DH loves his birthdays now

wednesday32 · 11/02/2022 16:35

I can't see why him spending 72 hours away with friends means he's classed as an arse, and shouldn't have got married. what on earth? let him go and enjoy his birthday weekend, its 3 days out of 365 so what's the big deal? the type of celebration he wants to have doesn't include children, and that is ok. you are also allowed to have your own lives once you are parents.
when you celebrate a milestone birthday plan something nice with your friends.

toomuchlaundry · 11/02/2022 16:41

@wednesday32 he doesn't seem to have got married for the right reasons though

tabletopgreen · 11/02/2022 16:42

@Limewater

Thanks again everyone for all your comments.

We are both Catholics and so Easter weekend is quite important across our families and wider community. That being said, we did have children before marriage, so have not been and are not always shining examples.

Just had a talk with DH, I just literally said that I'm hurt by the way he's gone about this and of course I want him to have a lovely time on his birthday but feel a bit confused as to why he doesn't think I'm fun. He said that I might get a migraine if we went out... This happened once 5 years ago and I had full blown flu. When I ask if there were any other examples, he noted a time when I didn't like a band that were playing in a dive bar we were at in Soho... That was ten years ago!

THEN... When I pointed that out, he started shouting and saying I was ruining it and he wanted to be selfish and do what he enjoys and he doesn't enjoy time with the family. I asked him why we got married and he said two words... 'For logistics'...

Obviously he was angry at this point (kind of wildly so - escalated on his part really quickly) so I did find that kind of challenging.

I turned 30 at the end of last year. I think we were in some form of lock down but it was chilled - presents with kids and a day off work mooching round the house. He didn't plan anything...

Of the three other guys he wants there with him, one is newly married with a newborn due end of this month (can't imagine his wife will be pleased with him going away on their first Easter as a threesome)?! The other two are unmarried but in long term relationships - a doctor and a finance bro - so work hard play hard kind of vibe.

By the way, I should say that DH instigated us getting married and he wants to try for another baby (luckily this was not our month as we clearly have some real issues). These were honestly things he pushed for. So again, I just fee confused - what does he want?!

By the way, I should say that DH instigated us getting married and he wants to try for another baby (luckily this was not our month as we clearly have some real issues). These were honestly things he pushed for. So again, I just fee confused - what does he want?!

DON'T have another baby with him! I know a few women who agreed to a last last baby and then their 'd'h fucked off. So weird. I think it's subconscious 'I don't want to be together but she should be too busy to have any fun'.

NOT saying that he's going to leave but a third baby will leave you tied down when it's not long until you can start having more grown up fun with your dcs.

TatianaBis · 11/02/2022 16:47

By the way, I should say that DH instigated us getting married and he wants to try for another baby (luckily this was not our month as we clearly have some real issues). These were honestly things he pushed for. So again, I just fee confused - what does he want?!

I'm not surprised. I think you need a serious talk.

If he doesn't enjoy time with the family why the hell does he want another kid???

Bookworm20 · 11/02/2022 16:55

@wednesday32 Have you actually read the thread?

If you have and you still think he hasn't been a complete an arse to the OP, you have incredibly low standards.

RestingStitchFace · 11/02/2022 17:26

To be honest, I can see where he's coming from. I've spent most of the past 2 years holed up with DH and hubby and have barely seen my friends, especially those further afield. I'd bloody love a weekend away from home with my mates. It doesn't mean I love my DH and DS any less - but I just enjoy a change of scene and the ability to reconnect with people...:

Billybagpuss · 11/02/2022 17:47

What do you want to do now OP.

💐 he’s a shit.

LeifSan · 11/02/2022 18:01

@PleasantBirthday

Doesn’t excuse him being an arse but might explain it.

In reality though, so what? You still don't get to treat people like that.

Well yes, that is why I said it doesn’t excuse it but might explain it. An explanation is not the same thing as it being ok. Confused
Opentooffers · 11/02/2022 18:30

So he doesn't enjoy family time - do not get pregnant again. You've already got 2 and say you are strapped for cash with little to spare, so why stretch the budget with another? Also, if he doesn't enjoy the ones he has, he really should not even think of more. Let me guess, you're the one who does all the looking after them? So he wants you to be tied down with a 3rd while he stays free to do whatever. Sod that, you'll be left with 3 on his 40th no doubt.
I hope he does his fair share of minding the DC's while you get to go out and do your own thing. That would be only fair. I think another DC is for tying you down so that he can have fun without you. Perhaps he is thinking your DC"s are getting old enough to give you some free time and he doesn't like it. Beware, don't have another.

mydogisthebest · 11/02/2022 19:29

Why on earth does he want another baby when he doesn't seem to want to spend time with the ones he already has?

Do not have another baby with him

Raindancer411 · 11/02/2022 19:44

Personally I would be asking for an annulment (as you haven't been married that long). That is not a reason to get married, and he sounds very thoughtless. I would not be having another with him, I mean, who wants to have another baby if they do not enjoy family time?!?

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/02/2022 20:06

Sparkletastic

When is your 30th OP? Make it clear that you will be having a girls' weekend away for that.“

Nope. Most people want to spend their birthday with their kids, if not their partner.
Any relationship that has sunk to this level of tit for tat is doomed.

justasking111 · 11/02/2022 20:07

You're all quite mad encouraging one parent families

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/02/2022 20:09

Sone people are quite mad having children with uncommitted partners.

justasking111 · 11/02/2022 20:13

@MrsSkylerWhite

Sone people are quite mad having children with uncommitted partners.
He's not a partner but a husband. I agree any woman having babies without that piece of paper that protects them legally are mad
MrsSkylerWhite · 11/02/2022 20:17

OK. Some proteome are mad, having children with uncommitted husbands.
I’d put money on OP having arranged the wedding and everything else since.
He’s not interest in his family, partner or husband.

Sprucewillis · 11/02/2022 20:18

Yeah he wants what he wants and Fxxk you by the sound of it. OP you have been very calm and given him the chance to rain in his thoughtlessness. I'm not sure I would be so generous if I was you. It's really not fair the way he has and continues to talk to you. He hasn't managed your expectations well at all. You really do deserve much much better Thanks