Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't want to spend his birthday with us

354 replies

Limewater · 10/02/2022 22:19

Hi there,

New here but I’ve been a lurker for years - hoping some of you ladies can give me your opinion on this dilemma because I’ve gotten in a right mood over it and now can’t tell if I’m being way over the top?!

DH and I have been together since we were 16. 13 years later and we have a DD and DS and just got married in January 2022. My DH is due to turn 30 in April and a couple of weeks ago I started making a list of things I thought he might like to do - travel/fancy meal/night outs etc. I figure everyone wants a fuss made out of them on their 30th?! Anyway, he listened to the ideas and gave a lack lustre response but didn’t downright dismiss any of them.

Cut to this evening, he’s come in and said, ‘I’ve checked with the ‘boys’ and they’re all free on my birthday weekend - so I’m planning to go to Edinburgh on my birthday (Fri 15th) and come back on the Sunday (Sun 17th)’.

I was upset because I came up with loads of plans for him to choose from. All really well thought through and involving varying degrees of friend groups so there would have been loads to enjoy. But he doesn’t want to spend his 30th with me AT ALL. I guess I’ll be at home looking after the children. Not to mention that that weekend is actually Easter Weekend - which I feel like should be considered family time?

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
layladomino · 11/02/2022 14:09

I don't know how you can come back from that. He married you 'for logistics'? He'd rather be with his friends that you? You aren't fun to be with?

And then he gets angry when you raise your justifiable concerns. Something isn't right.

Surely he sees that all of the above deserves some explaining? Does he think it's OK / normal to treat your wife like this? And he doesn't seem at all bothered that he's upset you. He seems almost cruel in how he's dealing with this.

I would certainly not be having any more children with him.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2022 14:15

Oh wow that update. He sounds really nasty and seems to be saying he doesn't want a relationship with you (just the comfort of having a housekeeper and child minder?) I would really be rethinking your marriage after this OP. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't even seem to like you very much?

PleasantBirthday · 11/02/2022 14:16

He sounds very defensive and quick to anger, which is a bit concerning.

PostThenGhost · 11/02/2022 14:19

I just fee confused - what does he want?!

A big lads night out for his significant birthday without being made to feel guilty.

FluffyFlower · 11/02/2022 14:19

The follow-up response clearly points to deeper issues. The way he got angry and how he talked about you and your marriage clearly signals it's not just about the birthday trip, the trip is just a tip of an iceberg, sorry. You don't have to ask him where and when you were not fun, you have done nothing wrong here x

AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2022 14:24

@PostThenGhost

I just fee confused - what does he want?!

A big lads night out for his significant birthday without being made to feel guilty.

I mean did you read what he actually said to her and still come away with just this? Fucking hell.
Bogofftosomewherehot · 11/02/2022 14:28

@Limewater
"By the way, I should say that DH instigated us getting married and he wants to try for another baby (luckily this was not our month as we clearly have some real issues). These were honestly things he pushed for. So again, I just fee confused - what does he want?!"

Don't worry about what he wants, what do YOU want? Hopefully, to NOT grow old with someone who says they married you for logistics and that you aren't fun and he doesn't enjoy spending time with you and the kids!! Plus, he did nothing for your 30.
If this is how he feels about you a month into marriage then how will it be in another 10, 20 30, 40 years time?
Please don't have another baby with him. He obviously would prefer to live like a single man. Why clean up his sick - I'd be rubbing his nose in the hessian rug before doing that again. As for the temper...

There are so many things wrong here, please put yourself and the kids before him - like I said, what do YOU want.

Toanewstart23 · 11/02/2022 14:41

What do I think?

He’s not happy in the marriage at all
When you probed him he eventually got defensive because he’s floundering to give you reasons when sometimes there aren’t specific reasons - just a profound “not happy”

It’s dead in the woods water OP

Eek it out and wait for the inevitable which leaves you on the back foot

Or start planning so you’re on the front footb

phishy · 11/02/2022 14:44

Why are you planning anything for him when he made fuck all effort for you?

He sounds like a knob.

Bookworm20 · 11/02/2022 14:58

OMG your update is even worse! He married you for logistics? He couldn't even bring himself to say he married you because he loved you?

He is being really cruel here. And not sure how more loudly he can announce his disrespect for you.

So he wants a big blow out weekend with his mates. Fine. There are ways of going about that though! Many blokes manage to have weekends with their mates without making their wives feel like utter shit.

Your head must be all over the place right now, OP.

I think if it was me, based on that last update I'd be seriously rethinking the whole marriage. I think I'd go down the route of telling him I want a divorce -let him work out the bloody logistics of that one. what a total prick.

Toanewstart23 · 11/02/2022 15:09

* one is newly married with a newborn due end of this month (can't imagine his wife will be pleased with him going away on their first Easter as a threesome)?!*

I wouldn’t have given a hoot about it being Easter per se
Going away when I had a newborn and if I had no plans with family myself - then yes, I may have a problem with that

saraclara · 11/02/2022 15:10

Ugh. They update is really depressing. It really does sound like he wants out.

If he doesn't enjoy time with you and his children, I honestly don't see a future with him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/02/2022 15:27

@PostThenGhost

I just fee confused - what does he want?!

A big lads night out for his significant birthday without being made to feel guilty.

Should he however feel guilty for saying he doesn't have fun with his wife and that he married her for logistics? Because he should. Also for not doing anything fun for her milestone birthday, since he thinks fun is so important.
LeifSan · 11/02/2022 15:30

I wonder if he is finding turning 30 hard, thinking his youth is over or something (even though 30 is young, but a lot of people struggle with leaving their twenties). Maybe this is where all the weekend out with the lads / wife and family life boring stuff has come from.

Doesn’t excuse him being an arse but might explain it.

PleasantBirthday · 11/02/2022 15:32

Doesn’t excuse him being an arse but might explain it.

In reality though, so what? You still don't get to treat people like that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/02/2022 15:34

DH has a friend like this. Married young (because he had a shit home life) then whined and acted like a teenager for years, long after all his friends had grown up. He drinks, takes coke and cheats. Because he 'struggles' with his choices. Wanker.

toomuchlaundry · 11/02/2022 15:39

What are the logistics he is talking about?

grapewine · 11/02/2022 15:44

@torquewench

Were the things that you'd planned, for his birthday, your idea of fun, or his?
I wondered that, too. Were they all family-friendly? He wants some fun without kids on his 30th. It's not the crime of the century.

Maybe he phrased it badly. Obviously otherwise you have bigger issues.

grapewine · 11/02/2022 15:47

Just saw your update. Logistics? Idiot.

Toanewstart23 · 11/02/2022 15:54

@grapewine

Just saw your update. Logistics? Idiot.
But why?

He’s wants out and this is his way of saying it. It’s not nice but the op doesn’t ONCE mention love for him. It sounds like an unhappy marriage. He was pushed by the op on why why why and he said it

Toanewstart23 · 11/02/2022 15:55

They were 16 when go together
Had a baby at 22 before married
Both practising catholics

It’s not unreasonable to think logistics / pressure played a part

grapewine · 11/02/2022 15:57

Because what does that even mean? Possibly they should not have gotten married, though, I agree with that.

grapewine · 11/02/2022 15:58

Point taken.

toomuchlaundry · 11/02/2022 15:58

@Toanewstart23 why get married in January and then want out second week of Feb

mydogisthebest · 11/02/2022 16:00

[quote worriedatthemoment]@mydogisthebest but thats you , my dh gives zero crap about birthdays so I could go away on his birthday and he wouldn't careless
If I had a weekend away booked with the girls and it happened to be on my birthday I wouldn't not go , I can see my DH when I get back 24/7 and we can celebrate then, we are adults doesn't have to be on the day, mostly we work on our birthdays anyway
I can't understand people who have to do everything together all the time,
Surely your still your own person and sometimes a birthday may clash and you would understand that and be ok
This instance with OP is different as there has been no discussion and his comment was uncalled for [/quote]
I never said me and DH have to do everything together all the time.

For both of us birthdays are special days. We have never worked on our birthdays and we, at the very least, go out for the day. Some years we have gone away for 1 or more nights.

I get that some people don't care about birthdays or spending it with someone they love but the OP obviously does care.