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Original poster

DH doesn't want to spend his birthday with us

354 replies

Limewater · 10/02/2022 22:19

Hi there,

New here but I’ve been a lurker for years - hoping some of you ladies can give me your opinion on this dilemma because I’ve gotten in a right mood over it and now can’t tell if I’m being way over the top?!

DH and I have been together since we were 16. 13 years later and we have a DD and DS and just got married in January 2022. My DH is due to turn 30 in April and a couple of weeks ago I started making a list of things I thought he might like to do - travel/fancy meal/night outs etc. I figure everyone wants a fuss made out of them on their 30th?! Anyway, he listened to the ideas and gave a lack lustre response but didn’t downright dismiss any of them.

Cut to this evening, he’s come in and said, ‘I’ve checked with the ‘boys’ and they’re all free on my birthday weekend - so I’m planning to go to Edinburgh on my birthday (Fri 15th) and come back on the Sunday (Sun 17th)’.

I was upset because I came up with loads of plans for him to choose from. All really well thought through and involving varying degrees of friend groups so there would have been loads to enjoy. But he doesn’t want to spend his 30th with me AT ALL. I guess I’ll be at home looking after the children. Not to mention that that weekend is actually Easter Weekend - which I feel like should be considered family time?

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 11/02/2022 11:54

@Bookworm20

The guy is very young and, while not defending his actions and comments, probably missed out on a lot of stuff with mates in his twenties since you got together quite young.

He goes out and gets so drunk he pukes all over the floor. so it doesn't sound like hes been missing out on nights out.

He’s telling you very clearly what he thinks. Family is not fun, getting wildly drunk with his mates is. You can’t change what he thinks, but you can change what you do about it.
Imagine being with someone who worshipped the ground you walked on and really enjoyed planning a birthday treat with you. It’s nothing less than you deserve. You only have one life. Make plans for a better future fo you and the children.

This

Not everyone wants to be with someone who worships the ground they walk on and how do we know what the OP deserves? Or that she'll walk into this magical future with some amazing man. I personally would find the kind of dynamic you are describing very suffocating. There are lots of different ways of being together and muddling through. And for some people (and now just men) a good blowout weekend away with friends is just the ticket
Changingtides1234 · 11/02/2022 11:58

I said to my husband for my 30th I wanted to go to a hotel and spend the day alone. No hun or kids I just wanted to be alone. I’d breastfed for over a year I’d not been alone since I’d been pregnant. He understood. Covid had other plans though so we were in lockdown 1 for my 30th

Now we have baby 2
And my husband remembered this request so booked it for my 32 bday

Tht apl being said. I would be hurt not by hun wanting family free time but his comments about why.
The comments were unacceptable in my opinion. Everyone’s is entitled to have free time but those comments are mean.

Sorry OP I hope you speak to him and tell him how you feel

Blossomtoes · 11/02/2022 12:02

@DisforDarkChocolate

I wonder if when this plan gets back to the other wives and partners it has to change. Its Easter weekend, I'd be no way are you leaving me with the children.
It’s a 30th birthday. I don’t suppose many of the others have kids.
tootiredtospeak · 11/02/2022 12:05

I would be okay with it if it was a different weekend to Easter and if he wanted to do something with us as a family seperate. If we couldn't afford both and he chose that I would be pissed.

noirchatsdeux · 11/02/2022 12:07

OP stated in her follow up post that he doesn't find them spending time 'one on one' fun...not 'family' time, just being with her.

That's bloody insulting.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2022 12:17

@noirchatsdeux

OP stated in her follow up post that he doesn't find them spending time 'one on one' fun...not 'family' time, just being with her.

That's bloody insulting.

Exactly, I don't understand how some people commenting are not getting this part
justasking111 · 11/02/2022 12:21

Look if your OH or adult offspring worked in the armed forces or overseas for a company, both Xmas and Easter were moveable feasts. We've had Xmas on 6th December and 8th January to fit in for absent family. I've done a number of double Xmas dinners, decorations and all

MaudieandMe · 11/02/2022 12:29

You’ve been together since you were 16yrs old. So neither of you have spent much time alone or in other serious relationships.

To be honest, this sounds like the start of him getting itchy feet with his comments about wanting to spend his birthday weekend with the lads and spending time with you isn’t fun.

Depending on how the next few weeks pan out, you need to seriously consider couples counselling or accept that you’re likely to split as he obviously feels that he’s missing out on life. I think that’s always the danger when people get coupled up at such a young age without spending time alone getting to know themselves and experiencing life as an independent adult.

ArcheryAnnie · 11/02/2022 12:38

@justasking111

Look if your OH or adult offspring worked in the armed forces or overseas for a company, both Xmas and Easter were moveable feasts. We've had Xmas on 6th December and 8th January to fit in for absent family. I've done a number of double Xmas dinners, decorations and all
That's fine, but not what the OP signed up for.
justasking111 · 11/02/2022 12:42

Jakers some women oozing insecurity on here.

Just because your men let you down don't tar everyone with the same brush

saraclara · 11/02/2022 12:52

My kids loved celebrating birthdays at that age. And Easter was BIG in our household. Easter egg hunts and the Easter bunny were close to as bit as Christmas. And the lovely thing is that now they're adults, they still make a big deal of my birthday and special events.

I can't imagine leaving my family to celebrate the actual day/s with my friends. Yes, I'd go away for a birthday celebration with friends on a nearby weekend, but not abandon my family on the actual day. Especially when my partner was clearly aiming to make it a nice day for me.

saraclara · 11/02/2022 12:55

@justasking111

Look if your OH or adult offspring worked in the armed forces or overseas for a company, both Xmas and Easter were moveable feasts. We've had Xmas on 6th December and 8th January to fit in for absent family. I've done a number of double Xmas dinners, decorations and all
But this isn't OP's life, and her DH is just as able to celebrate his birthday with his friends on a different day.

I've also had plenty of 'alternative Christmas days' but they were arranged out of kindness and consideration for others. Not because my DH made other arrangements with his mates without discussion.

Heidi451 · 11/02/2022 13:00

I would be all right with that if it was my DH honestly.

Also I wonder as you have spent the last 13 years with him single (but had his children), now you're married perhaps you expect more commitment form him but he doesn't? He wants to go on as before.

DogInATent · 11/02/2022 13:04

I figure everyone wants a fuss made out of them on their 30th?!

Never assume. Since my 18th birthday I've been very happy having my birthday as my annual Me Day . Even the ones with noughts on the end.

The bigger issue is that it coincides with Easter, which is more of a family-thing - although something he's been having to put up with on-and-off his entire life. Maybe remind him that he's 30 all year, but Easter is once a year and give him a nudge to move the birthday celebration.

theleafandnotthetree · 11/02/2022 13:06

@saraclara

My kids loved celebrating birthdays at that age. And Easter was BIG in our household. Easter egg hunts and the Easter bunny were close to as bit as Christmas. And the lovely thing is that now they're adults, they still make a big deal of my birthday and special events.

I can't imagine leaving my family to celebrate the actual day/s with my friends. Yes, I'd go away for a birthday celebration with friends on a nearby weekend, but not abandon my family on the actual day. Especially when my partner was clearly aiming to make it a nice day for me.

Abandon your family? That's a bit much isn't it? Your family set up sounds a bit suffocating ok, nauseating) to me but hey, each to their own. Meanwhile back in the world outside a Hallmark film, most people manage to be basically good and kind and loving family members whilst also doing other stuff and even celebrating things in their own lives as individuals without always having their spouses and children with them.
Blossomtoes · 11/02/2022 13:07

Maybe remind him that he's 30 all year, but Easter is once a year and give him a nudge to move the birthday celebration

His 30th birthday is once in a life time.

TatianaBis · 11/02/2022 13:10

As I said in an earlier comment - a weekend away with your friends can be more "fun" than a weekend with family, because it's doing something DIFFERENT to what you would normally do?

Yes of course a weekend away without the kids can be more fun when they're young and under your feet 24/7. So it's rather selfish that he's thinking of a weekend away for himself dumping his wife with the kids.

Why wouldn't he want to involve his wife & give her a break too?

The reason is of course - that he's just one of those slightly thick immature blokes whose idea of a good time is drinking until he's sick on the carpet. Wahaaay.

Sloth66 · 11/02/2022 13:12

It’s fine to have weekends away. The real issue is that he’s said you are no fun to be with, so he’s prioritising seeing his friends.

BreakfastClub80 · 11/02/2022 13:14

I’d be more upset at the way he’s done this, rather than the actual choice. He could have talked to you about it and told you he’d really like a weekend with friends without criticising you and including some consideration around you looking after the kids. Also making sure he arranged something for you as a family too. But he hasn’t done that, and that’s why you’re feeling upset, he’s not behaving very nicely.

I’d be tempted to ignore his birthday from now on, maybe a card and small gift but nothing that takes any time or thought.

TatianaBis · 11/02/2022 13:14

@Sloth66

It’s fine to have weekends away. The real issue is that he’s said you are no fun to be with, so he’s prioritising seeing his friends.
Agreed.

That rather puts a bomb under the whole relationship really.

Pembertonrd · 11/02/2022 13:20

@theleafandnotthetree tipsy I agree.
It's a laugh, things seem funny.

This man is so drunk he's sick. And apparently this is more fun than his wife.

DogInATent · 11/02/2022 13:43

@Blossomtoes

Maybe remind him that he's 30 all year, but Easter is once a year and give him a nudge to move the birthday celebration

His 30th birthday is once in a life time.

He's 30 from his actual birthday until the day before his 31st.

(although I think you're maybe agreeing with me on the bit of my post you didn't quote?)

Blossomtoes · 11/02/2022 13:54

He's 30 from his actual birthday until the day before his 31st

Quite, so why’s OP getting so bent out of shape? 364 other days are available.

Original poster
Limewater · 11/02/2022 13:59

Thanks again everyone for all your comments.

We are both Catholics and so Easter weekend is quite important across our families and wider community. That being said, we did have children before marriage, so have not been and are not always shining examples.

Just had a talk with DH, I just literally said that I'm hurt by the way he's gone about this and of course I want him to have a lovely time on his birthday but feel a bit confused as to why he doesn't think I'm fun. He said that I might get a migraine if we went out... This happened once 5 years ago and I had full blown flu. When I ask if there were any other examples, he noted a time when I didn't like a band that were playing in a dive bar we were at in Soho... That was ten years ago!

THEN... When I pointed that out, he started shouting and saying I was ruining it and he wanted to be selfish and do what he enjoys and he doesn't enjoy time with the family. I asked him why we got married and he said two words... 'For logistics'...

Obviously he was angry at this point (kind of wildly so - escalated on his part really quickly) so I did find that kind of challenging.

I turned 30 at the end of last year. I think we were in some form of lock down but it was chilled - presents with kids and a day off work mooching round the house. He didn't plan anything...

Of the three other guys he wants there with him, one is newly married with a newborn due end of this month (can't imagine his wife will be pleased with him going away on their first Easter as a threesome)?! The other two are unmarried but in long term relationships - a doctor and a finance bro - so work hard play hard kind of vibe.

By the way, I should say that DH instigated us getting married and he wants to try for another baby (luckily this was not our month as we clearly have some real issues). These were honestly things he pushed for. So again, I just fee confused - what does he want?!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 11/02/2022 14:05

Never mind what he wants

What do you want?

Because if I were you. it wouldn't be him