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Original poster

DH doesn't want to spend his birthday with us

354 replies

Limewater · 10/02/2022 22:19

Hi there,

New here but I’ve been a lurker for years - hoping some of you ladies can give me your opinion on this dilemma because I’ve gotten in a right mood over it and now can’t tell if I’m being way over the top?!

DH and I have been together since we were 16. 13 years later and we have a DD and DS and just got married in January 2022. My DH is due to turn 30 in April and a couple of weeks ago I started making a list of things I thought he might like to do - travel/fancy meal/night outs etc. I figure everyone wants a fuss made out of them on their 30th?! Anyway, he listened to the ideas and gave a lack lustre response but didn’t downright dismiss any of them.

Cut to this evening, he’s come in and said, ‘I’ve checked with the ‘boys’ and they’re all free on my birthday weekend - so I’m planning to go to Edinburgh on my birthday (Fri 15th) and come back on the Sunday (Sun 17th)’.

I was upset because I came up with loads of plans for him to choose from. All really well thought through and involving varying degrees of friend groups so there would have been loads to enjoy. But he doesn’t want to spend his 30th with me AT ALL. I guess I’ll be at home looking after the children. Not to mention that that weekend is actually Easter Weekend - which I feel like should be considered family time?

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
FluffyFlower · 11/02/2022 11:08

It is not nice he never mentioned anything when you made suggestions for the celebration, probably he didn't know how to say it. Even worse was his remark about not having fun with you, I guess he went on the defensive, don't think he really meant it. I feel for you OP. But as he seems set to go, let him go and enjoy what he wants - it is his birthday after all , and plan something nice for yourself that weekend or another one! This way he would miss you and make up for it next time. Don't think I would make a big deal or confrontation out of it, it would only backfire and cause resentment. If the marriage is good, you celebrate all other holidays together, i don't think it is a big deal. I would be initially upset but move on quickly

Snoozer11 · 11/02/2022 11:13

Since when was Easter "family time"? Surely it's just a bank holiday weekend.

If I wanted a big blow out, I'd rather do it over a long weekend.

It's perfectly possible to enjoy someone's company but not have the same experience with them as you do with your mates.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 11/02/2022 11:13

His attitude not the going away. Who tells a spouse they are bottom of their list of fun people they want to celebrate their birthday with? My dh would be broken if I said that.

CantGetDecentNickname · 11/02/2022 11:15

Hi OP

I wouldn't stop him going on his trip, just find out how much it is costing and how much spending money it is. I presume you are the same age and that your 30th is coming up as well. I would then get together with a couple of your friends and book your birthday weekend away somewhere equally expensive or make it a long weekend. Tell him before he goes that you will be doing the same as him and he will be parenting his children on his own the weekend of your birthday. Everything he does on his weekend (lap-dancing, excessive drinking), you will be doing on yours. When you get back you can tell him how boring he is compared with your friends. Do not be a doormat who just does childcare while he is out partying; you are equals and get to party as well.
Good luck

Glitterygreen · 11/02/2022 11:19

I would be hurt by this too OP.

I think it's fine for him to go away with his mates but not over his actual birthday when he knew you were already thinking of planning something.

He could easily spend that weekend with you and the kids and then go away with mates the following weekend.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2022 11:22

@Snoozer11

Since when was Easter "family time"? Surely it's just a bank holiday weekend.

If I wanted a big blow out, I'd rather do it over a long weekend.

It's perfectly possible to enjoy someone's company but not have the same experience with them as you do with your mates.

Of course it is but that isn't what he said, he said he doesn't have fun with the OP and he didn't want to go away with her because he wanted to actually have fun
Mouldyfeet · 11/02/2022 11:22

I hope you have a plan on how you will cope when you split. I very much doubt he’s being faithful to you when he’s away.

As they ‘get your ducks in a row’

Lunificent · 11/02/2022 11:25

He’s telling you very clearly what he thinks. Family is not fun, getting wildly drunk with his mates is. You can’t change what he thinks, but you can change what you do about it.
Imagine being with someone who worshipped the ground you walked on and really enjoyed planning a birthday treat with you. It’s nothing less than you deserve. You only have one life. Make plans for a better future fo you and the children.

FrangipaniBlue · 11/02/2022 11:26

Do people really get hurty feels about their partners "not spending their birthday with them" ??

Wtf???

There are 364 other days in a year to spend with your partner..... Hmm

Glitterygreen · 11/02/2022 11:28

@Snoozer11

Since when was Easter "family time"? Surely it's just a bank holiday weekend.

If I wanted a big blow out, I'd rather do it over a long weekend.

It's perfectly possible to enjoy someone's company but not have the same experience with them as you do with your mates.

I think it's a bit tight to ditch your wife on a big birthday, especially over a long weekend, leaving her alone to look after the kids!

Easter has always been family time to me when I was growing up, but I know everyone's different. We'd always do an Easter egg hunt in the garden and have a roast together.

I'd definitely want to do something with my mates for my birthday but I wouldn't do it at the expense of doing something with DP.

TatianaBis · 11/02/2022 11:29

@FrangipaniBlue

What kind of relationships have you been in that it's normal for your partner to say that he doesn't have fun with you and he wants to "actually have fun"; and basically to prefer the company of his mates.

Lunificent · 11/02/2022 11:29

@FrangipaniBlue

Do people really get hurty feels about their partners "not spending their birthday with them" ??

Wtf???

There are 364 other days in a year to spend with your partner..... Hmm

He also told her that he doesn’t have fun with her. His form of fun is getting so violently drunk that more than once she’s had to get it out of their hessian rug. So all told, it’s not just about going away with his mates, it’s about a lack of respect for his partner.
Glitterygreen · 11/02/2022 11:32

@FrangipaniBlue

Do people really get hurty feels about their partners "not spending their birthday with them" ??

Wtf???

There are 364 other days in a year to spend with your partner..... Hmm

?

Yeah but most people regard birthdays as special occasions and would usually do something with their partner to celebrate.

There are another 364 days re Christmas too but you wouldn't ditch your partner for that.

PleasantBirthday · 11/02/2022 11:32

@FrangipaniBlue

Do people really get hurty feels about their partners "not spending their birthday with them" ??

Wtf???

There are 364 other days in a year to spend with your partner..... Hmm

It depends. If I had been in on the plan and it had been mentioned to me that it would be a greatly appreciated present if I took over all of the childcare for the weekend ect, before planning it all out, I'd be fine with it.

However, announcing that he's going off and I'm taking over the childcare for the weekend without a by-your-leave and then the extra kick of being told I'm too boring to spend the time with, yeah, I wouldn't like it. It's disrespectful and unkind.

FluffyFlower · 11/02/2022 11:32

The guy is very young and, while not defending his actions and comments, probably missed out on a lot of stuff with mates in his twenties since you got together quite young. Is it a one off or a trend now? Have his other actions signalled you and family time are not a priority? Why does a trip with guys have to imply cheating? Agree that if he wanted to make such a trip a bank holiday weekend seems a reasonable time to do it

TatianaBis · 11/02/2022 11:32

I also think that when you've got kids weekends away are few and far between. So to just take a weekend off without giving notifying your partner and dumping them with the kids - is really selfish.

Pembertonrd · 11/02/2022 11:35

If his idea of fun is bring drunk with his mates then he's rather immature.
Have fun yourself whilst he's away. Invite some friends round when the dc have gone to bed.

And on your birthday be sure to go away without him.

PearlclutchersInc · 11/02/2022 11:36

Easter weekend - I don't think so (everything else aside) I'd be really quite annoyed.

Blossomtoes · 11/02/2022 11:42

I’m planning to spend my big milestone birthday next year with a group of girlfriends. My bloke wants me to be happy so he’s waving me off with a smile.

GayParis · 11/02/2022 11:45

Different strokes and all that but I wouldn't be happy with that.

DH and I have fun together. We want to spend birthdays/occasions with each other cause we actually have fun drinking together. I'd be really disappointed if we couldn't do that together & if he didn't want to actually spend time with me doing something fun.

FrangipaniBlue · 11/02/2022 11:45

The thing is though the OP hasn't said that he just "announced it" like it was already booked.

She used the word "planning".

OPs issues seem to be about the fact that he doesn't want to to spend his birthday with her and the DC.l - which in all honestly perplexed me - I couldn't get upset about this!

As I said in an earlier comment - a weekend away with your friends can be more "fun" than a weekend with family, because it's doing something DIFFERENT to what you would normally do?

As other PPs have said, weekends away with friends are rare once you're married with DC, weekends doing things with your family are the norm?

Why would anyone begrudge their partner wanting to do something a bit different to the norm on their landmark birthday?

Bookworm20 · 11/02/2022 11:48

The guy is very young and, while not defending his actions and comments, probably missed out on a lot of stuff with mates in his twenties since you got together quite young.

He goes out and gets so drunk he pukes all over the floor. so it doesn't sound like hes been missing out on nights out.

He’s telling you very clearly what he thinks. Family is not fun, getting wildly drunk with his mates is. You can’t change what he thinks, but you can change what you do about it.
Imagine being with someone who worshipped the ground you walked on and really enjoyed planning a birthday treat with you. It’s nothing less than you deserve. You only have one life. Make plans for a better future fo you and the children.

This

theleafandnotthetree · 11/02/2022 11:49

@Pembertonrd

If his idea of fun is bring drunk with his mates then he's rather immature. Have fun yourself whilst he's away. Invite some friends round when the dc have gone to bed.

And on your birthday be sure to go away without him.

But getting drunk with your friends IS fun, at least occasionally and after the dreary few years we've just had. And I'm nearly 50 and very responsible and mature, thanks all the same. Guess what, someone can be a good spouse and parent and enjoy family life whilst also having great times with friends and out in the world. Maybe not thos guy, he sounds a bit of a bellend, but as a general principal.
Blossomtoes · 11/02/2022 11:49

As other PPs have said, weekends away with friends are rare once you're married with DC, weekends doing things with your family are the norm?

Particularly when you’ve been in a permanent relationship with kids for most of your adult life.

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/02/2022 11:52

I wonder if when this plan gets back to the other wives and partners it has to change. Its Easter weekend, I'd be no way are you leaving me with the children.