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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found HIV testing kit in hubby’s bag!

456 replies

PocketRocket81 · 09/02/2022 11:14

Ok, so DH has been a little withdrawn for several weeks. Not sure what came over me but decided to have a nose through his work hold-all. I’ve come across an unopened HIV kit. What the hell is going on? How do I approach him when he’s home later today?

OP posts:
Idunnowhyibother · 09/02/2022 18:09

You get the worst excuses when you catch them unawares...sounds like bollocks to me but at least you didn't beat around the bush. He's obviously buggered off to get his shit in order so stick with your gut and don't buy any elaborations on his 'reason when he comes back. Sorry OP but stay strong.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 09/02/2022 18:10

@Popalina65

It’s HIV week, they are giving out test kits most places.
Then he would have said that. He didnt. He made up some stupid excuse.

Because... he is cheating!

Houseofvelour · 09/02/2022 18:14

@PocketRocket81

So he’s come home, I’ve asked him about it and he said ‘it’s for a prank for one of the guys at work’. My gut tells me he’s lying.

I’ve asked to see his phone and he said no and walked out.

He must think you're an idiot! What a stupid lie. The fact he won't let you see his phone speaks volumes.
Porcupineintherough · 09/02/2022 18:15

@PocketRocket81

So he’s come home, I’ve asked him about it and he said ‘it’s for a prank for one of the guys at work’. My gut tells me he’s lying.

I’ve asked to see his phone and he said no and walked out.

Then I guess you have your answer. Sorry OP Sad
Drinkyourweaklemondrink · 09/02/2022 18:18

Could he be applying for life insurance?

Marmm · 09/02/2022 18:18

@PocketRocket81

He works as an Engineer and not in an industry where he would be at risk of HIV. He is a self employed contractor and although works on a team would have no one ‘at work’ sending these tests out.

Maybe I have jumped to the wrong conclusion but he has been pretty distant lately. He had a ONS about ten years ago (unprotected) which I forgave but maybe the doubt never goes away.

Maybe he's worried about that
Marmm · 09/02/2022 18:19

@PocketRocket81

So he’s come home, I’ve asked him about it and he said ‘it’s for a prank for one of the guys at work’. My gut tells me he’s lying.

I’ve asked to see his phone and he said no and walked out.

Ah missed this update sounds well dodgy
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/02/2022 18:21

[quote Itsalmostanaccessory]**@Simonjt

That wa considered in my old job and then decided against because of the risk to anyone in an abusive relationship (and simply to anyone with felt relationship in trouble.)

I cant believe that got passed a discussion at your workplace. Please, please email whoever is in charge of arranging that and stop it.[/quote]
I agree with this, definitely worth you flagging this as a safeguarding risk with HR @Simonjt as I know a couple of friends who would have been in serious, serious danger had they received this in the post while in abusive relationships.

Thinking about it, had this happened to me in my previous relationship then I would have been interrogated for hours on end by my ex, which is of course also awful.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 09/02/2022 18:24

Clutching at straws here but maybe the ONS has been in contact having tested positive and done the right thing by telling him to get tested too.

His reaction could be (at a push) be down to the fact that you have worked out the previous ONS and is embarrassed/ashamed that it is still coming back to haunt him 10 yrs later.

fenellastripe · 09/02/2022 18:28

The update is shocking. So he's probably had unprotected sex with someone else then? That can't be something he can lie about because it's not just about being unfaithful, it's about your health OP. Unforgiveable Flowers

Francescaisstressed · 09/02/2022 18:30

He's cheated on you before, you didn't trust him and was snooping in his bag and he won't let you see his phone?
Definately alarm bells. I'm sorry. I think you should get tested ASAP. Not sure how people can have relationships and live with men who wouldn't sit down and talk about your concerns over finding a HIV kit.

irishfarmer · 09/02/2022 18:34

I think you should book yourself in for a full STD test. They are quick and not painful.

It all sounds v v dodgy

fourandtwo · 09/02/2022 18:39

Oh OP. I’m really sorry to read your update, I was really hoping he’d just tell you they’d been given out at work. I hope when he comes back he has the guts to actually tell you what’s really going on.

Onlyforcake · 09/02/2022 18:41

Bloods van be taken very easily. You can book through your GP or a clinic to have a full range check on sti's. You don't need to go into detail, they honestly won't judge you for it. They do ask about unprotected sex mainly so they can establish how concerned you are, whether you might need more advice. Ive had screening at the start of every sexual relationship.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 09/02/2022 18:44

Where is he now OP?

DaisyStPatience · 09/02/2022 18:45

My exh was a serial cheater and his signature move was refusing access to the phone, storming out for an hour and then returning with a clean phone claiming he had nothing to hide and only left because he was pissed off at my lack of trust.

It's the clearest sign they can give you.

You want to be having a look for him on Fabswingers - although he's quite possibly deleted his account now he knows the heat is on him. He'll be back on there in a couple of weeks though.

Dindundundundeeer · 09/02/2022 18:46

What a wanker. He’s lying.

MsDogLady · 09/02/2022 18:46

OP, he’s up to no good and doesn’t care that you feel unsettled.

He’s been distant. When you found the HIV test, he insulted you with a ludicrous explanation. You asked for access to his phone, but he blocked transparency and flounced off, clearly to delete evidence.

This is not the behavior of a remorseful man who values the second chance you gave him.

affairsofdragons · 09/02/2022 18:51

@PocketRocket81

So he’s come home, I’ve asked him about it and he said ‘it’s for a prank for one of the guys at work’. My gut tells me he’s lying.

I’ve asked to see his phone and he said no and walked out.

Sorry, OP. Clearly not a prank.
JosephineDeBeauharnais · 09/02/2022 18:52

He’s cheating with hookers.

thenewduchessoflapland · 09/02/2022 18:57

@Drinkyourweaklemondrink

Could he be applying for life insurance?

You'd own straight up to a HIV test for that but I've never heard of a company requesting a HIV test to qualify for life insurance.

lunar1 · 09/02/2022 18:59

I'm so sorry to see your update. That's not the response of an honest man.

Supersimkin2 · 09/02/2022 19:02

HIV’s an imported virus these days - most new cases are diagnosed in London to people who’ve had it for years abroad eg Africa. There aren’t many new cases annually.

It’s quite difficult to catch in the UK cos the meds for current sufferers keep it virtually untransmissible.

Having said that, there’s bound to be people out there not on the meds so everyone should get tested once.

SameToo · 09/02/2022 19:03

Christ. If the alternative is that it’s supposed to be a prank I think I’d rather he was cheating!

Either way I’d pack his bag for him.

Nocutenamesleft · 09/02/2022 19:04

My friend work all got sent home with kits. Due to it being HIV week I think?

Might be that. They’re in computer services.

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