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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found HIV testing kit in hubby’s bag!

456 replies

PocketRocket81 · 09/02/2022 11:14

Ok, so DH has been a little withdrawn for several weeks. Not sure what came over me but decided to have a nose through his work hold-all. I’ve come across an unopened HIV kit. What the hell is going on? How do I approach him when he’s home later today?

OP posts:
booplefloof · 09/02/2022 12:52

Ask hm

Mo1911 · 09/02/2022 12:58

@PocketRocket81

He works as an Engineer and not in an industry where he would be at risk of HIV. He is a self employed contractor and although works on a team would have no one ‘at work’ sending these tests out.

Maybe I have jumped to the wrong conclusion but he has been pretty distant lately. He had a ONS about ten years ago (unprotected) which I forgave but maybe the doubt never goes away.

Since it's HIV testing week they'll be giving tests out everywhere regardless of where you work or what you do.

Maybe start the conversation with - I heard that it's hiv testing week and they're giving out tests in workplaces - and see what he says.

I really think that that's what it'll be, it's too big a coincidence that he has one in his work bag at exactly the same time as employers are being encouraged to give them out.

HIVpos · 09/02/2022 13:06

@LadyCatStark ah thanks that explains it - we know that in some areas GPs are being encouraged to offer HIV testing to new patients registering so good to know it's actually happening. It's part of the drive to have no new HIV infections by 2030 and everyone on effective treatment.

Also great that they're better than the previous surgery 😀

Maybe the OP's partner saw his GP and was offered the test? Most are done postal currently.

2bazookas · 09/02/2022 13:07

OMG.

Get yourself HIV tested right away.

BuddhaForMary · 09/02/2022 13:16

I think if he works on a team it's likely they've all been given one.

The being distant is a concern but could he just have a lot going on at work?

It's so easy to jump to conclusions.

Can I ask what made you go through his bag? Exh worked away every two weeks, for two weeks. I always put any washing he had in with the wash when he got back. He tipped it out one time and a condom fell out. He looked like a deer in the headlights, blustered that he didn't know where it was from.

Of course he was cheating.

But I dunno, this is too much of a coincidence with it being HIV testing week.

HIVpos · 09/02/2022 13:16

@Frauhubert

OBVIOUSLY it was ironic when i said about the gay trip to Amsterdam. Also quite obviously everyone on mumsnet would find it totally normal to find a hiv testing kit in their husbands bags. As if hiv wasn’t a disease you predominantly get from having unprotected sex.
@Frauhubert
  1. It's a fact that more heterosexual than gay people are now being diagnosed with HIV (see my link upthread)
  2. It's also a fact that most people are diagnosed late.
  3. It's also a fact that many couple when starting a releationship don't get tested.
  4. It's also a fact that we can live with HIV for many years and not know it and potentially/unknowingly put others at risk.

Why not get tested?

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 09/02/2022 13:20

Even if you were being supposedly ‘ironic’, @Frauherbert, you were still perpetuating a load of nasty stigmatising stereotypes.

Original poster
PocketRocket81 · 09/02/2022 13:23

@BuddhaForMary I would never normally go through his bag, this is the thing. My gut has told me something has been ‘off’ for a while. I genuinely have no idea what I was looking for - not this though. Something just doesn’t feel right. The fact that he was adamant that we both get tested for STDs after his ONS many years ago also adds fuel to the fire……

OP posts:
loveinthe90s · 09/02/2022 13:29

Why is his work bag at home if he's at work?

Original poster
PocketRocket81 · 09/02/2022 13:33

He works away. Came home yesterday and he has nipped out for few hours to help his Mum with some painting.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 09/02/2022 13:35

Whatever he says the reason is, I would get yourself tested. Treatments are so much better now, but it's definitely better detected early. It would be completely innocent but I'd want to know for peace of mind.

fourandtwo · 09/02/2022 13:35

@Emanchego

How bizarre.

"No one’s believing your proclamations of irony 😂"

You should look into the history of HIV.

🥴

Sorry if I’m being a bit dense here @Emanchego but I don’t understand what you mean?
fenellastripe · 09/02/2022 13:36

I hope the talk goes ok for you @PocketRocket81 and I hope he hasn't put your health at risk. From what PP are saying, if it's HIV testing week then it would be a bit of a coincidence if he got a test for any other reason. x

Emanchego · 09/02/2022 13:41

Sorry if I’m being a bit dense here@Emanchegobut I don’t understand what you mean?

Best to learn the history of HIV first 👍

PinkPansies · 09/02/2022 13:45

Has he attended any accidents or anything else that may have exposed him?

A while back DH was directly behind a motorcyclist who had a nasty accident and rushed to help...and got an unexpected face full of the guys blood. He tested after that just to be certain.

BuddhaForMary · 09/02/2022 13:47

@PocketRocket81 no that's fair enough. Some times you have to go with your gut.

My exh normally just tipped his out to sort through otherwise I guess I wouldn't have found out he was cheating quite so early. Not that it was the first time as I later discovered. Mind you he'd passed off his erratic and distant behaviour as 'all in my head' for ages but it turned out my gut was right all along.

If something feels off then it definitely needs addressing. I hope it ends up being something as simple as the free tests for HIV week.

bibbidybobbidyboo · 09/02/2022 14:04

Going to offer a different perspective here because I myself have previously gone through periods in the past when I've been under a lot of stress in my life and this has manifested into a sort of OCD obsession about the fact that I might have HIV.

It sounds ridiculous but each time it has happened I have become absolutely irrationally fixated for a few days, to the point ive gone out and bought hiv tests or been to a clinic. Each time it has been hugely hugely unlikely/ impossible that I actually had it, but my fixations have always been linked to something that had happened long ago in the past (e.g. the first time I became fixated on the fact I had once had unprotected oral sex with someone I didn't know, the second time I had been hospitalised abroad etc). I have never had HIV, and once I'm back in my rational mind I'm amazed that I could have got so worried about it. However if you google "HIV OCD" you'll find it's actually somewhat common.

With this in mind, it could be possible that he has suddenly freaked out about the possibility that he contracted HIV during this ONS and is retrospectively testing (perhaps he didn't think it was likely enough to test back then).

fourandtwo · 09/02/2022 14:05

@Emanchego

Sorry if I’m being a bit dense here*@Emanchegobut I don’t understand what you mean?*

Best to learn the history of HIV first 👍

I can’t fucking stand answers like this @Emanchego. If you’ve something to say, spit it out. @Frauhubert wrote a ridiculous reply, got blasted by several posters and then said “OBVIOUSLY it was ironic when i said about the gay trip to Amsterdam” and it seemed to me like she was backpedaling rather than being purposely ironic to begin with. Now are you actually going to tell me what I apparently need to know, or are you just going to continue being obtuse?
polavary · 09/02/2022 14:07

I’d be trusting my gut in this instance, if something feels off it probably is

mindutopia · 09/02/2022 14:10

I work in sexual health. I would say it would be quite unusual for us to offer HIV testing alone and not with syphillis/hepatitis and also all the other bacterial infections (chlamydia, etc.) as they are much more common than HIV. If someone comes in and has concerns about a possible exposure, they are much more likely to have, say, Chlamydia, than HIV. So if he went through the clinic or an online service, he almost certainly would have been offered more than an HIV test. If all you found is an HIV test, I would assume that the suggestion is correct that it could be a promotion as part of HIV testing week.

Frauhubert · 09/02/2022 14:16

Haha, backpedalling! I give zero fucks about that.
But feel sorry for the Op which is why I gave helpful opinion.🥰

germsandcoffee · 09/02/2022 14:25

Get yourself tested incase he has been upto no good x

fourandtwo · 09/02/2022 14:38

@Emanchego I’m not sure what my knowledge of HIV (or lack thereof) has anything to do with my response to an antagonistic reply that I felt was the very opposite of helpful (whether it was typed in as an “ironic joke” or in seriousness), but I am aware of the HIV/AIDS crisis and the preconceptions that came with a diagnosis. I’m also aware of how the statistics have changed (as @HIVpos wrote above). So I’m going to assume for now you’ve actually not got a point to make and that’s why you’re unable to articulate it; suppose we’ll have to leave it there. Have a great day.

Mo1911 · 09/02/2022 14:41

@2bazookas

OMG.

Get yourself HIV tested right away.

Oh for goodness sake!!!! 🙄
Original poster
PocketRocket81 · 09/02/2022 15:42

So he’s come home, I’ve asked him about it and he said ‘it’s for a prank for one of the guys at work’. My gut tells me he’s lying.

I’ve asked to see his phone and he said no and walked out.

OP posts:
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