Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found HIV testing kit in hubby’s bag!

456 replies

PocketRocket81 · 09/02/2022 11:14

Ok, so DH has been a little withdrawn for several weeks. Not sure what came over me but decided to have a nose through his work hold-all. I’ve come across an unopened HIV kit. What the hell is going on? How do I approach him when he’s home later today?

OP posts:
Yeahthat · 11/02/2022 14:19

Very convenient way for a healthy anxiety to manifest itself - so subtle that your wife doesn't know it exists, until the day it's needed as an excuse for bizarre and deceptive behaviour.

IncompleteSenten · 11/02/2022 14:24

Very convenient indeed.

I'd probably ltb for thinking I'm so thick I'd fall for that pile of shit.

bonetiredwithtwins · 11/02/2022 18:47

I should think he's spent all day coming up with that cock and bull story to try and throw you off the scent

It might be believable had he not cheated previously

Balonziaga · 11/02/2022 19:01

I have first hand knowledge of health anxiety around HIV. It is all consuming and exhausting for everyone. Those closest to you are constantly being challenged to convince you that you don't have it. It is not something that the person you live with - day in and day out - would not know about.

Maassi · 11/02/2022 19:06

He's a liar and a cheat

georgarina · 11/02/2022 19:14

Yeah that's an invented story sorry OP. Would definitely have come up before, plus he would have told you the first time you asked - not lied obviously twice and stormed off. He only came back once he'd thought of something to tell you.

Hope the test goes well x

whynotwhatknot · 11/02/2022 21:01

yeah ok hes had anxiety about hiv since his teens never told you but has unprotected sex with you all the time

right

newbiename · 11/02/2022 21:31

Bullshit

NeverChange · 11/02/2022 22:19

It just didn't add up.

Why would anyone be concerned about catching something if they weren't exposed to the risks of getting it?

I am not afraid of breaking my leg skiing because I don't go skiing.

I am concerned about my weight because my diet is rubbish sometimes.

Do you see the difference? If there is genuine anxiety, there is a reason for it.

His stories do not pass the sniff test!!!

Onthedunes · 11/02/2022 22:28

You've got to give his dues, he's coming up with some belter lies to cover up the truth.

Lie No 3.

What's the next one going to be? or will he stick and gamble with the current one ?

Is it worth speaking to him.

3luckystars · 11/02/2022 23:16

What do you think caused the phone anxiety? Has he some trauma that made him afraid of anyone checking his phone.

MsDogLady · 11/02/2022 23:54

OP, he is making an absolute mockery of you and your marriage with these whoppers. He is desperate for you to not learn the truth.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 12/02/2022 00:35

I'm so sorry, OP. You know this is just nonsense, and the best he could muster once caught. He is either a serial cheat (if indeed he has had many tests - I'd ask for proof of that) or the current person he's sleeping with (not you) has warned him that he is at risk.

But you already know this; what you do with it is up to you. I'm sorry for whatever the future is, with or without him. It won't be an easy road, either way.

Geppili · 12/02/2022 02:46

LTB for this pile of contrived gaslighting BS.

Boopeedoop · 12/02/2022 03:20

@jamieox

I'm actually on the other side of this compared to the majority/everyone else on this thread.

Health anxiety with ocd in relation to worrying about hiv is a very real thing. So so many people diagnosed with health anxiety/ocd have fixations on specific health concerns - hiv being one of the most popular. I know this first hand as I have struggled with the same thing on and off over the years. I had unprotected sex many many years ago, then I did get tested for hiv which was negative. However the worries don't just go away on their own like that - this doesn't mean I then had unprotected sex with another person again. The reassurance only lasts for a certain length of time before the doubts set back in. I hadn't had unprotected sex with a stranger again but you begin to worry - was the test accurate? What if the test was done too early to detect anything? What if they've not told me my results correctly? What if I've actually touched blood before and not realised it and then I've got hiv from that? Toilet seats? Hotel rooms - if your partner works away from home this could be a real concern.

Obviously I do not know your partner - you know your gut instinct, you know exactly what he is like in relation to concerns. If the health anxiety story really does add up please take note of what I've said above. Yes the concerns regarding hiv may be completely irrational to you. However when consumed with health anxiety these concerns eat away at you and just get worse and worse and worse until addressed. That may be through the form of getting a hiv test that will provide TEMPORARY reassurance.

You know your partner, I just wanted to make you aware of how real these irrational concerns regarding hiv can be. Xx

I came on to say the same thing. My friend has been through this many times.

His OCD was triggered by a major life event and it's very hard to break the pattern. The "what if".

OCD isn't always about washing hands and opening and did you lock the front door.

WTF475878237NC · 12/02/2022 03:33

Enough with the OCD. Context is everything. OCD explains one tiny aspect of this, if you ignore everything else he has said and done it's still a ridiculous stretch to suddenly confess this OCD he's been hiding all these years about his sexual health.

Sprucewillis · 12/02/2022 04:07

OCD and HA are very hard to mask in intimate relationships. Me st partners would not require you to mask such behaviours. Often requiring counselling and CBT or coping strategies. OP would have known about it long before this week. It really does smack of being to sudden and convenient.

miraveile · 12/02/2022 04:15

Id believe him but he won't show you his phone. And now if he does he's had time to erase things.

Onthedunes · 12/02/2022 04:21

Ok, op so lets give him the benefit of the doubt.

Tell him you understand and ask him to request his medical files from the doctors. This should show previous results ?
Together you can put in place councelling and a treatment plan for his OCD health anxieties.

He can hopefully start to pull himself out of this health anxiety hole or dig an even bigger hole for himself to fall into.

Don't have sex with him till this is sorted out.

Limpshade · 12/02/2022 05:50

Previous cheating aside, let's just recap:

  1. You found the test because he was acting suspiciously
  2. When confronted he claimed it was a prank, left the house and refused to show you his phone.
  3. When he returned, he changed his story to "health anxiety".
  4. He now reveals an intense, near-lifelong anxiety (that somehow you knew nothing about) that means he takes regular HIV tests. This doesn't make sense? If he is worried about a blood spatter years ago, surely the first, second etc tests would have drawn a line under that?

He may be telling the truth. But this all started because you didn't trust his behaviour (perhaps correctly), so either way the trust is gone. Sorry OP.

Alondra · 12/02/2022 08:37

@PocketRocket81

I’m sorry for causing such a huge debate on here 😔 He has come back in an emotional state saying he has a health anxiety due to trauma suffered many years ago with splattered blood.

He feels his health anxiety kicked off in his teens when both his uncle and grandma were diagnosed with terminal cancer in the same year (he has always been a bit ott with bumps and lumps and things so this does add up)

He has said he has been tested many times for hiv because of this and I’ve got nothing to worry about. He can see how it looks but he’s hugely embarrassed about his anxiety. I don’t know what to do or think .

It's pure gaslighting OP. It doesn't make sense at all.

If his family has a history of cancer and he's so anxious about it, he should be having regular blood tests which are the ones that could, not always but could, pick up early stages of cancer.

Why on earth is he having HIV tests for a cancer history family?

He's lying to you big time. Forget what he's saying.....think OP!

collieresponder88 · 12/02/2022 08:53

I think that's a very far fetched story that he has had time to dream up because he wouldn't talk straight away. Also if it was innocent he would have just given you his phone when you asked I'm sorry op but I really think you would be daft to believe his story

Migrainesbythedozen · 12/02/2022 09:14

But OP his explanation doesn't explain why;
A) he has been so distant with you for several weeks when he has had this health anxiety for years, and the AIDS thing would have surfaced years ago and you'd have known about it,
and
B) why he wouldn't let you look at his phone.

Something smells rotten imo, sorry. I think he's lying. His evasiveness, being distant/withdrawn, hiding his phone, all don't add up to just a simple fear of AIDS. My guess is he slept with someone, maybe a prostitute, and has been withdrawn for weeks because he was afraid of you getting it.

bongobingo43 · 12/02/2022 09:23

If he had genuine health anxiety all these years then I'm pretty sure you'd know.

Surely if one of the illnesses he is anxious over is HIV, you'd be one of "risk" areas and it would've come up at some point

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 12/02/2022 09:28

Surely he would have wanted both of you tested if he was THAT worried?