Found HIV testing kit in hubby’s bag!

[PocketRocket81]

Ok, so DH has been a little withdrawn for several weeks. Not sure what came over me but decided to have a nose through his work hold-all. I’ve come across an unopened HIV kit. What the hell is going on? How do I approach him when he’s home later today?

Do you believe that? Surely as his wife wouldn’t you know about him suffering from health anxiety? Or does it extend purely to a fear of having HIV?

He’s had 2 days to formulate this response remember.

@PocketRocket81

I’m sorry for causing such a huge debate on here 😔 He has come back in an emotional state saying he has a health anxiety due to trauma suffered many years ago with splattered blood.

He feels his health anxiety kicked off in his teens when both his uncle and grandma were diagnosed with terminal cancer in the same year (he has always been a bit ott with bumps and lumps and things so this does add up)

He has said he has been tested many times for hiv because of this and I’ve got nothing to worry about. He can see how it looks but he’s hugely embarrassed about his anxiety. I don’t know what to do or think .

Sorry I don't buy his reasoning. It doesn't add up. Why keep testing if you don't trust the tests. It the best non incriminating excuse he could come up with. It also doesn't explain the swift retreat he made twice. He is lying on top of lies.

He's a liar.

Surely if its health anxiety he can understand your cheating anxiety and let you look at his phone. Seems unfair he can reassure himself but wouldn't do the same for you after how he has been

Take some time to digest what he's said @PocketRocket81 and if you believe his story.

And maybe take a step back from this thread tbh. Give yourself some headspace.

Your problem is that the trust is gone. He has cheated on the past and his behaviour is suspicious. So where do you go from here? Only you can decide. Your gut will likely tell you more than he ever will.

I can imagine you're all over the place. The thing is, why get so defensive and make up the friend lie first and refuse to hand over the phone? How cruel of a past cheater. That's the bit you DO know though, he has lied once again and refused to hand over his phone.

Take a big step back OP and give yourself space.

Ask yourself if it IS this reason, why he wouldn't let you look at his phone, why he stormed out and then why he packed and walked out.

It seems a fairly explainable reason.

Ask yourself why he gave himself thinking space.

He showed you once he was capable of cheating, you've now found evidence that suggests he has again. He's an engineer, not an idiot, he knows hiv wouldn't come from no sort of exposure. He listed two times when he could have been exposed and he was tested after each because he made sure to do so. What exposure does he believe he had now? He's just coming up with some nonsense because he got caught.

If he’s concerned that he is HIV positive ( since his teens ??? ) , why has he been having unprotected sex with you ?

Since he is so concerned about STI, why did he have unprotected sex when he had an affair? And why did he have unprotected sex with you afterwards and then insist that you wrote tested for STIs .

So he has this secret health anxiety that he’s has since his teens but he’s managed to keep secret from you and doesn't affect any other aspect of his health ?

That doesn’t make sense.

Slightly worrying about lumps isn’t healthy anxiety . People with health anxiety tend to Google everything , find the worst possible outcome and then obsess about it, go to the GP or hospital seeking a diagnosis. Often they won’t be reassured and are convinced the doctor has missed some serious illness.

There are lots of threads on MN by people who struggle with this issue. It’s not something that they can keep secret from their closest friends and family, even if they want to .

They take steps ( logical or illogical ) to avoid doing anything that they see as risky. Look at what some people did during the pandemic - never going out, bleaching food packets , insisting that family members strip off all their clothes in the garage and shower and then boil wash all their clothes.

Your husband has two family members who have cancer. Which is such a common disease that everyone in the UK who has a large family will have two relatives with cancer.

But he doesn't worry about getting cancer. He supposedly worries about getting HIV so he has unprotected sex with you AND another woman at the same time???

And he’s ever even mentioned this to you? Or sought help from his GP, psychiatrist , psychologist or anyone else ?

And why HIV? There’s other things he’s much more likely to catch from unprotected sex than HIV.

Regardless of his reasons/excuses the thing that sticks out for me is that when you found the kit his response was defensive and apart from anything else withholding his phone means to me he's up to no good. I wouldn't trust a word he says.

Hate being negative but sounds like he's gone away, had time to think and come up with something to cover his arse.

Absolutely none of that makes sense I'm afraid. Anyone with health anxiety would not have unprotected sex with another woman and then with his wife. You would certainly know he had health anxiety given you live with him. This change of behaviour is recent.He's had time to think of an excuse and he is gaslighting you.

@PocketRocket81 please give yourself some headspace. People are well meaning but the thing with MN is - as useful and supportive and cathartic as it can be when you first post your thread - it's also like having someone sat on your shoulder whispering in your ear.

You might find yourself coming to a conclusion, pop on this thread to see what people are saying, and suddenly you're in turmoil again.

Give yourself some time to process how YOU want to move forward.

Health anxiety doesn’t mean you avoid your partner checking your phone and storm off to the bath to delete things

Let’s set aside the testing kit for a moment.

Rewind to the time before you looked in his bag. What got your spidey senses tingling? Try to think back to everything you thought was ‘off’. Every event, conversation, reply to a question you can remember. You knew something before you even found that testing kit. What was telling you to look in the bag? Was it similar behaviour to when he had the ONS? Something alerted you OP.
Same thing happened to me, I just started thinking something was up but couldn’t put my finger on it. Luckily I didn’t say anything until I’d had a day on my own in the house to snoop (not proud of this but I’d do nothing different if I had my time over again) without him knowing I knew. Now with hindsight everything that looked off, only looked off because it WAS off.
It’s hard to remember because you weren’t suspicious at the time, but try to piece together events, conversations, answers to questions, how he behaved with his phone, anything that got you wondering. The test thing may it may not be true, but something made you look for it. Explore that.

Come on op if that was the case and he had nothong to hide why didnt he say that from the get go? I stead his initial most honest reaction was to get his nack.up, gaslight you, become defensive and leave.

If he had done nothing wrong or nothing to hide why was he being lime that? Why wouldnt of he just sat you down and communicated that. He has time to cool his head, think up a story and delete any evidence of his phone.

You had him like a deer in headlights and he ran.

Dont let him make a fool out of you.

I know it may seem so easier just to buy the obvious blatant lie and carry on but you cant. For yourself. Do this for you. Know your self worth op.

I am so sorry to say that I also don't believe it. 2 days later after being affronted almost by you catching him out.
If you were that worried about HIV you would most certainly tell your wife and the person you are sleeping with surely, plus once you have one HIV test and it is negative, if you have not slept with anyone else it is unlikely you would worry about it, ie put it to rest in your mind.

Also HIV is a weird one to be worried about if you're not sleeping with other people??? Surely you would be more worried about cancer if you had health anxiety.

What a heavy heavy thing for you to be going through because he has backed you into a bit of a corner. Tell him its bullshit he can accuse you of being unsympathetic etc

I also sadly am in the camp of not trusting men who work away a lot. Sorry to say but I have had so many experiences of these type of men trying it, even being on dating websites and then when questioned you find out they are married and working away. Awful.

Hashtag not all men of course :)

No matter what he is saying now, this whole incident would be too much for me and I wouldn't be able to trust him. Deffo get yourself tested for all STIs.

His reaction to all of this is massively offkey. Trust your gut feelings. So sorry you are going through this and hope you're okay.

It’s the working away that worries me. When there has been a past history AND there is opportunity… I would worry.

I just don’t think health anxiety would kick in about HIV if you’d been tested in the past but has been totally faithful. I really don’t. His initial reaction was v telling. I think he’s used that time to construct a narrative (and clear his phone as PP said)

If he has been tested several times before, can he show you the results?

And why would he be concerned about having it now after several tests if the only person he is sleeping with is you?

I'm actually on the other side of this compared to the majority/everyone else on this thread.

Health anxiety with ocd in relation to worrying about hiv is a very real thing. So so many people diagnosed with health anxiety/ocd have fixations on specific health concerns - hiv being one of the most popular. I know this first hand as I have struggled with the same thing on and off over the years. I had unprotected sex many many years ago, then I did get tested for hiv which was negative. However the worries don't just go away on their own like that - this doesn't mean I then had unprotected sex with another person again. The reassurance only lasts for a certain length of time before the doubts set back in. I hadn't had unprotected sex with a stranger again but you begin to worry - was the test accurate? What if the test was done too early to detect anything? What if they've not told me my results correctly? What if I've actually touched blood before and not realised it and then I've got hiv from that? Toilet seats? Hotel rooms - if your partner works away from home this could be a real concern.

Obviously I do not know your partner - you know your gut instinct, you know exactly what he is like in relation to concerns. If the health anxiety story really does add up please take note of what I've said above. Yes the concerns regarding hiv may be completely irrational to you. However when consumed with health anxiety these concerns eat away at you and just get worse and worse and worse until addressed. That may be through the form of getting a hiv test that will provide TEMPORARY reassurance.

You know your partner, I just wanted to make you aware of how real these irrational concerns regarding hiv can be. Xx

Then why not just say that? Instead he said about the wind up, he then walked out, plus the not showing his phone. Strange behaviour. I wouldn't believe him.

Well certainly an original excuse
Ask him for proof of prevous negative tests.
Regardless of where or when done there will be a papaer trail

Clearly that's the best he could come up with OP.

He is a liar and a cheat. No two ways about it.

You asked about the test. He showed NO respect or understanding for your justified concerns and then wouldn't let you see his phone. That isn't how you treat a loved one.

Took his time to come up with that bollocks didn't he?