Found HIV testing kit in hubby’s bag!

[PocketRocket81]

Ok, so DH has been a little withdrawn for several weeks. Not sure what came over me but decided to have a nose through his work hold-all. I’ve come across an unopened HIV kit. What the hell is going on? How do I approach him when he’s home later today?

OP, just think about this, if your DH knows that he hadn’t done anything wrong, why isn’t he trying to reassure you of that? Why is he giving you the silent treatment and taking himself off to the spare room? These are the actions of someone trying to minimise and bide time until he can destroy any evidence of wrong doing and come up with a more plausible story. Your suspicion and concern is irritating and inconvenient for him.

Exactly as rollergirl states why isnt he saying anything to ease your doubts or show you his phone

disappearing and being defensive are classic guilt signs

When I was 17, my father came home after working a African country for 3 years where the rates of HIV at the time were very high (late 80s). My father had had sex with local women - which was usual for him when working abroad - and even he, with his almost non-existent respect for my mother, had the guts to tell her she needed to get tested.

(She also still stayed with him, for another 4 years until he left her for OW, but that's another whole totally fucked up story)

Get tested, get rid. He has absolutely zero respect for you or your health. What a fucking coward he is.

@PocketRocket81

Having read through every single response to this, the ones that stick in my mind are those calling out MY behaviour. Am I really that bad for shouting at him when my emotions are high and looking through his bag on a hunch? Have I caused this do you think?

You are not in the wrong at all. 99% of woman would've reacted in the same way (or worse).

Even those saying they wouldn't probably would if actually faced with it

@Closetbeanmuncher
It's the way you wrote it.

'He had a HIV test because he believes there is a chance that he's contracted HIV, it really is that simple'

You write as if he actually had the test, not just the fact of having the test kit in his bag.
That was my point
I can have an LFT test pack in my bag but writing that I had an LFT test infers that I actually used the kit, did the test.
I didn't read that the OP said it was opened or used, just thst she saw the test kit.

There's a subtle difference when using language as to what is meant. Your sentence above infers he'd done the test which is a big assumption.

*You are not in the wrong at all. 99% of woman would've reacted in the same way (or worse).

Even those saying they wouldn't probably would if actually faced with it*

Totally agree. Which is why is so important to empower her through our posts instead of making her doubt herself.

Op given your husbands unfaithful history i would assume guilty until proven innocent with him.

Dont allow him to the wool over your eyes or make a fool of you by giving him the benefit of the doubt when he isnt acting like someone who deserves it.

Its time to man up here. Your emotional and physical health is at risk.

@LoisLane66 who orders, carries around and hides and HIV test kit with no intention to use it??

And comparing it to an lft is bonkers.
Any of us could contract covid 19 by popping out for a pint of milk. I can be 99% sure i don't have covid but would still choose to test as you never know.

A bit harder to unknowingly expose yourself to HIV if you're in a long term committed marriage and not a drug user

@LoisLane66

Except he didn't "just have it in his bag".

He ordered the test kit. He invented various lies about why he had it. He refused to discuss it. He left the house in order to shut down her questions.

@Alondra

He has a HIV test kit in his possession because he believes there is a possibility he has contracted HIV

Bingo. He is a married man who knows he's been exposed to HIV, hence the test in his bag and behaviour.

Everything else is redundant.

Yes exactly. Married men don't just decide to get HIV test kits at random, and then create a series of lies about it.

He ordered it because he believes he's been exposed. The only question that remains is how.

Surely if he ordered the kit and it arrives by post, OP would've noticed it arrive at their home?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I'd be more worried that you're going through his bag behind his back. Sounds like a lovely relationship.

Let me get this straight, you would be more worried about her going through his bag than him having a fkng HIV test in it?

Some people on this site are just mad.

I'd pack his bags for him for when he gets home- he can go to his mums or a friends house. Then he sleeps on the sofa if he does return.

Until he tells the whole truth S no one is buying the "prank for a colleague" or "health anxiety" stories. He's given you two already and silent treatment and ignoring you.

So either he's cheating on you when he's away. His behaviour beforehand and reaction yesterday indicates that and this is 98% the more likely scenario
He's also cheated before

Or he's victim of an assault or been in accidental 'needle' or 'blood to cut' contact with a potentially HIV positive person- but if he had been he would have been tested at NHS (not by postal ordering of a testing kit from a charity.)

You'll be in a much better position if you throw him out. Tell him your done. Shock him. As if you do work it out in the future, he'll remember you are clear what you're worth and you won't accept shadiness from him

Book yourself a test once you get full story

This might help you work out when he's lying

Hi OP, I haven't read the full thread but I find it a little unreasonable to jump to the conclusion that rape is behind the HIV test. My initial thought is that he might have had unprotected sex with me ? I imagine other posters have suggested the same.

He would talk about it if there was nothing to hide. Of course he would.

I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation .

With men! Not with me, obviously. Sorry for the typo.

@TR888 HIV is now more prevalent in heterosexual men than gay men. I can share the link again if you missed it.

I just wanted to add my support for you OP. Please don't listen to the very, very few comments saying your behaviour is the problem here. It's not. If you went through his belongings every day, always screamed and shouted at him, took his phone to check it constantly then I could see where those people err coming from. But you don't from what you've told us - this was a one off checking of his bag based on a gut feeling due to his recent behaviour and history of cheating (presumably he displayed similar behaviour back then). You then calmly asked him about it and asked to see his phone - he made up a preposterous story about the test being a prank, then refused to show you his phone and walked out (presumably to give him a chance to delete everything rather than stay and talk to you - if he'd done nothing wrong he'd have wanted to understand why you thought that so he could reassure you). It was only after he came back and changed his story that you ended up yelling at him - I imagine by this point you were terrified because it was looking more & more like not only has he cheated on you, but it seems he has a reason to suspect he may have HIV, which in turn means you are at risk too. And he hasn't even had the balls to tell you that,

None of your behaviour was unreasonable, given the circumstances and history.

I'm afraid he isn't really redeeming himself at all, is he? The packing a bag and walking out this morning is because he doesn't want to talk to you about this - he wants time to come up with a story, and he couldn't come up with one overnight that might have been plausible so he's buying himself more time.

Good luck for getting tested yourself, I hope all comes back clear. It might be worth doing a full STI panel given you think he might have been cheating on you and having unprotected sex. Definitely speak to a solicitor - even if he doesn't have HIV he's shown you that he cannot be faithful to you, and that he is being selfish in taking risks that put you at risk. That to me is worse than the cheating.

I hope all comes back clear and that you get rid of him - you deserve better.

[quote Lemis]@MissNothing1991

Im not even going to bother with your post. Op ignore this rubbish[/quote]
Exactly this Lemis. Some of the pick me's on here are insufferable.

@missnothing1991 And that's the bit you're focusing on?? My god. How would you feel finding a HIV test in your partners bag? oh have a cup of tea and talk about our feelings???

The fact that he has cheated before, the fact he is changing his story.

Its hardly abusive to scream at your partner when you are terrified and heartbroken. People get angry and shout at each other all the time, it is a normal human emotion. Abuse is something different.

I am so sorry OP for this awful situation you are facing. I really hope that you are okay. Please get tested as soon as you can and take care.

You are not in the wrong. He is unlikely to be being honest here

[quote BuddhaForMary]@TR888 HIV is now more prevalent in heterosexual men than gay men. I can share the link again if you missed it. [/quote]
This is nonsense. The interview that someone posted was talking about new infections. The fact remains that for heterosexual men and women, HIV prevalence is very low - around 1 person in 1,000. However around 83 out of every 1,000 men who have sex with men are living with HIV. In London it's around 134 out of every 1,000.

I'm not sure why it's so important to you to try to falsely convince people that HIV is more common in heterosexuals.

@Strawberry33

People saying you do t order one for no reason are wrong. Anyone can get HIV at anytime. I recently took one because it was free and I thought it was about time I did one. You can be in a completely seemingly great relationship and they can cheat and give it to you. More people should take these tests randomly. Everyone should know their status. Thank god when I ordered one that wasn’t the attitude of my partner.

I also used to order HIV tests when I was in a relationship, I also had regular STI checks but the difference is I told my partner and my reasoning is that I like to look after my sexual health and have always had a routine of testing every 6 months. I was open and transparent, I also encouraged him to do the same as he had never even taken any. There is a big difference I think. Coupled with the fact he has cheated before and then with the weird behaviour. If it was legit and he was being health-wise he would have just said that wouldnt he?

@Fluffycloudland77

He paid extra to go bareback with a prostitute or he’s bisexual and meets with lads while he’s away.

You need to stop looking for the good in everyone, it’s absent in a lot of people.

What the fuck. This is a vile comment. Sex workers test regularly for STIs because their income depends on them having a clean bill of health. And as for 'paying extra to go bareback..' they're not pieces of meat, they're women. And they most certainly don't want to catch an STI from a client 'going bareback' ffs.

@MissNothing1991 but we are not talking about your issue on this thread are we? The fact that you have gone straight into picking on the OPs behaviour rather than the partner just says so much. You are projecting your issue onto something completely different. And again, someone shouting at someone in fear and terror because of an extraordinary situation is not the same as actively abusing someone.

I'm not sure why it's so important to you to try to falsely convince people that HIV is more common in heterosexuals.

49% of new diagnoses are in straight men. The article clearly states that this is the first time in a decade that more straight men are testing positive than gay men. Ergo it IS now more prevalent in heterosexuals men than in homosexual men.

That's by the by. It's all semantics. He's clearly done something, and he needs to be completely transparent with OP about what that is. But everyone shouting about prostitutes and gay sex isn't going to help OPs state of mind now is it.