Found HIV testing kit in hubby’s bag!

[PocketRocket81]

Ok, so DH has been a little withdrawn for several weeks. Not sure what came over me but decided to have a nose through his work hold-all. I’ve come across an unopened HIV kit. What the hell is going on? How do I approach him when he’s home later today?

@PocketRocket81

Having read through every single response to this, the ones that stick in my mind are those calling out MY behaviour. Am I really that bad for shouting at him when my emotions are high and looking through his bag on a hunch? Have I caused this do you think?

No you're not a bad person for this. You didn't cause this.

You haven't kicked off at him in a abusive manner eg for hanging his coat on the wrong peg, coming home half hour later than he said, out of jealousy because he took a phone call from a mate or whatever.

You asked him a question relating essentially to your health and he lied and walked out then returned and blanked you before lying and storming off again, as well as refusing to offer any reasurrance whatsoever that he hasn't put you at risk (when he has form for doing that). His behaviour is the abusive behaviour, not yours.

Not every row is abuse, people row occasionally, one row wouldn't necessarily get a LTB on here or IRL. It depends on the context of the row and whether the person screaming and shouting had a point, which in this case you do. It's justified. Expecting everyone to always have disagreements in a calm and quiet manner is bonkers, that's not how life works. People have emotions and people who've been wronged can get loud, upset can appear aggressive etc. Wouldn't matter if it was the other way round either. If he had genuine suspicions (which is the key here, this isn't a jealousy issue and all in your head) that you'd cheated and put his health at risk too and you were acting shady about it instead of offering reassurance then he'd be justified in shouting at you too. It's nothing to do with male/female. The ones who get a LTB after one row is generally where there's zero justification for the row occurring and/or threats have been made (which is manipulation and manipulation is abuse).

As for going through his bag, who cares? Does nobody ever go through their partners things looking for eg paracetamol or to see if they borrowed your hoodie which you want to wear? When you've shared bodily fluids and live together, what's looking through a bag? You're not a jealous type always checking up (which would be wrong) and you'd not have gone through his stuff this time if his behaviour hadn't set your spidey senses tingling.

I’m so sorry OP.
I can only imagine what is going through your mind.
It is unfair for your DP not to answer your questions. You have found the test, he owes you the truth. You have done nothing wrong, you haven’t caused this, the responsibility lies solely with him.
You are not a robot, and contrary to some of the pathetic responses on the thread, you are allowed to be angry, to be upset and to ask for answers.
Right now you need to put yourself first, and unfortunately I think that involves getting tested, because regardless of his response or lack of, he has that test for a reason.
I wish you well and hope you are ok.

It sounds like he is a problem.

He has let you down before, he knows that of course.

He refuses to discuss things with you, leading you to shouting and him leaving. All of that is on him not allowing you to talk about a serious issue.

I think you never to get your own STI / HIV testing done.

Prostitutes are often trafficked or desperate women/men. They will go bare-back for extra money. The myth of the 'sex worker' who is in a great career is not appropriate.
This is mostly not the case at all.

@BuddhaForMary

I'm not sure why it's so important to you to try to falsely convince people that HIV is more common in heterosexuals.

49% of new diagnoses are in straight men. The article clearly states that this is the first time in a decade that more straight men are testing positive than gay men. Ergo it IS now more prevalent in heterosexuals men than in homosexual men.

That's by the by. It's all semantics. He's clearly done something, and he needs to be completely transparent with OP about what that is. But everyone shouting about prostitutes and gay sex isn't going to help OPs state of mind now is it.

Learn what prevalence means. It doesn't mean, "new cases". There are FAR more homosexuals than heterosexuals with HIV.

The OP wanted advice on a very specific incident in her own life; you've attempted to hijack this threat to fill it with nonsense according to whatever virtue signalling agenda you're attempting to promote.

@Alondra
This is crap advice when you read the behaviour of the OP's husband.
Stop generalising and focus on what the OP is saying.

I gave no advice, rather factual information in response to some of the posts on here. Really no one knows and hopefully he will decide to talk honestly with the OP so that she can decide what to do.

@BuddhaForMary
Surely if he ordered the kit and it arrives by post, OP would've noticed it arrive at their home?
Good point, however if you check the THT website they offer Click and Collect as an option. This helps, for example, when someone is in an abusive relationship - not of course in any way, shape of form saying that is the case here for the OP.

@TR888 & @Yeahthat
It might have been Buddha's wording but for clarity the recent report is about the total number diagnosed in 2020 of which more are heterosexual than gay and the trend in different groups when compared to previous years. This is rather than about the percentange of different groups being diagnosed with HIV. Statistics can of course be read in different ways.

Several posters are automatically jumping to the conclusion that the OP's husband must be sleeping with men due the the HIV test being found. This is why Buddha is mentioning this, rather than trying to railroad.

@HIVpos

Regardless, the reality is that the risk of HIV infection from PIV sex is extremely low. Heterosexual men generally perceive themselves to be at very low risk from HIV even when having unprotected sex.

I really don't care whether it suits your agenda; I'm almost certain that if he believes he's been exposed to HIV, then he's either had unprotected sex with a prostitute, or he's bisexual and having sex with men (or both).

[quote Yeahthat]@HIVpos

Regardless, the reality is that the risk of HIV infection from PIV sex is extremely low. Heterosexual men generally perceive themselves to be at very low risk from HIV even when having unprotected sex.

I really don't care whether it suits your agenda; I'm almost certain that if he believes he's been exposed to HIV, then he's either had unprotected sex with a prostitute, or he's bisexual and having sex with men (or both).[/quote]
@Yeahthat
Or he slept with a woman who is not a prostitute who has since told him she is HIV positive. That is another possibility.

@Yeahthat you're the one derailing the thread by constantly picking on what posters have said and continually pushing your agenda of gay sex or prostitutes when it may be neither. I won't be interacting with you again as you seem quite blinkered and I really can't be bothered with you.

@HIVpos ah click and collect is a good point, which would be easy as he works away. Very good point.

OP hope you get some answers from him today.

@BuddhaForMary

In fact I've told OP my interpretation of what's going on, and advised her to get tested.

You've done nothing but attempt to promote your agenda and tell people that what they're saying is in some way offensive or (wrongly) not supported by statistics.

[quote Yeahthat]@HIVpos

Regardless, the reality is that the risk of HIV infection from PIV sex is extremely low. Heterosexual men generally perceive themselves to be at very low risk from HIV even when having unprotected sex.

I really don't care whether it suits your agenda; I'm almost certain that if he believes he's been exposed to HIV, then he's either had unprotected sex with a prostitute, or he's bisexual and having sex with men (or both).[/quote]
I have no agenda rather than factual information. You're correct that it is very difficult to contract HIV generally, also that heterosexual men (and women) perceive themselves to be lower risk, often incorrectly. Risk is higher in those who engage in anal sex whether gay or straight. Other than that we have no idea why the OP's husband has an HIV testing kit.

[quote Yeahthat]@HIVpos

Regardless, the reality is that the risk of HIV infection from PIV sex is extremely low. Heterosexual men generally perceive themselves to be at very low risk from HIV even when having unprotected sex.

I really don't care whether it suits your agenda; I'm almost certain that if he believes he's been exposed to HIV, then he's either had unprotected sex with a prostitute, or he's bisexual and having sex with men (or both).[/quote]
There was actually a report on this on the tv the other day. After gay men, the next most common group to test HIV positive at the moment are middle-aged heterosexuals.

Not sure if I'm right about this but don't the people at the sexual health clinics ask pertinent questions relating specifically to HIV risk. From memory - although a while ago - I was asked if I'd had sex with anyone from outside the UK (can't remember exactly how it was worded) and I'm almost certain she asked me if I'd had sex with a bi-sexual man?

@fenellastripe

Not sure if I'm right about this but don't the people at the sexual health clinics ask pertinent questions relating specifically to HIV risk. From memory - although a while ago - I was asked if I'd had sex with anyone from outside the UK (can't remember exactly how it was worded) and I'm almost certain she asked me if I'd had sex with a bi-sexual man?

When you give blood they ask if you've ever had sex with a man who's had sex with another man, or if you've ever had sex for money.

His reaction to your discovery of the kit is very strange. Was this how he reacted when you found out about the ONS 10 years ago ?

I'm asking because it's odd that he'd pack a bag and leave rather than face you with whatever has happened.

I regularly get STI tests but just chlamydia, gonorrhea etc however at some point last year I got really anxious about never having testing myself for HIV and got exceptionally paranoid and ordered myself a kit. I was ok but for people saying HIV tests will usually come with chlamydia and other tests. Not all the time, not if he has gone out of his way to specifically order just a HIV test.

@Cas112 same here. I was only specifically tested for HIV when I had some worrying symptoms and the GP suggested it. It was negative but it did put my mind at ease. Otherwise I've only had tests for the more basic STIs

Which makes me think when he had his ONS him and OP were only tested for the basic STIs and not HIV, unless they specifically requested it. He seems to be having a sudden panic over something now. Whether that really is from health anxiety or a repeated ONS, hopefully he'll come clean to OP soon.

This isn't what health anxiety looks like. At least not in my experience. Nobody with HA would wait 10 years after a ONS to get tested. HA is a very real (and can be life impacting) condition for a lot of people. It's not about one thing usually.

I think he's been found out and he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions. It's the panic hiding in the bathroom and the leaving really, rather than just talking about it. You won't get an answer from him that is meaningful, he's decided not to tell you for whatever reason.

Your hunch was justified. It does look a lot like he's been having sex (weather this is casual/paid for/relationship/gay) outside of your marriage.

Shouting is not ideal and rarely improves a situation but I don't think many people would respond passively to this. He's not your DC or a friend. This is your DH and you now have very justified concerns about your own sexual health.

You need to address your own concerns first and then decide what you want to do next. It he can't/won't talk about it there's not really much you can work on. Good
Luck OP

really don't care whether it suits your agenda; I'm almost certain that if he believes he's been exposed to HIV, then he's either had unprotected sex with a prostitute, or he's bisexual and having sex with men (or both).

And has it crossed your mind that it could be he’s been having an affair with a woman who has tested positive ? Why does he have to have been with a prostitute or a man ?

@PocketRocket81

Thanks you everyone for your replies and concerns, I will of course get tested. I can’t believe this is happening to me.

So after an evening of silence ‘because he doesn’t like conflict’ he slept in the spare room. I have tried to approach the subject this morning in a much gentler way and he has said he doesn’t want to talk about it but can assure me that I am not in any danger of testing positive. He has packed a bag and walked out.

Whether this be a health anxiety or something more sinister, surely his behaviour is completely wrong?

Your H is a cunt! And you REALLY need to start planning your future without him. Finances, the house, the children (if you have any!) OP, don't waste any more of your youth on someone who cannot be trusted. He cheated years ago and now, ten years later, he wants an HIV test...he works away and is cheating still.

If he works on the industry I think he does OP, the vast majority of his colleagues will be either having affairs or using prostitutes. I’d bet on the latter given how scared he is right now. Sorry if that’s a bit blunt but that’s my gut reaction.

@BitOutOfPractice

If he works on the industry I think he does OP, the vast majority of his colleagues will be either having affairs or using prostitutes. I’d bet on the latter given how scared he is right now. Sorry if that’s a bit blunt but that’s my gut reaction.

Which industry?

I think the scale of the problem is much, much larger than most women realise. It ain't just bankers, it's average joe in the street, working in any industry.

@Rosscameasdoody

Of course that's a possibility. It's not what my instinct tells me though. Firstly, because as I said previously, risk from PIV sex is extremely low.

My hunch is that he's been engaging in particularly risk behaviour and that's why he's now panicking.

@PocketRocket81

Having read through every single response to this, the ones that stick in my mind are those calling out MY behaviour. Am I really that bad for shouting at him when my emotions are high and looking through his bag on a hunch? Have I caused this do you think?

I don’t think your bad for following up on a hunch, if your gut says something is wrong you need to do something about it. I also think it’s easy for people to judge you for being honest about screaming at him, if my DH shut me out like your has I’d be blooding screaming and shouting to.

I hope you have gotten more answers from him.

[quote Yeahthat]@Rosscameasdoody

Of course that's a possibility. It's not what my instinct tells me though. Firstly, because as I said previously, risk from PIV sex is extremely low.

My hunch is that he's been engaging in particularly risk behaviour and that's why he's now panicking.[/quote]
Given the right conditions, anyone is at risk whether from PIV or anal sex. Many straight couples also choose to have anal sex.

Worldwide there are more women living with HIV than men.

We should get away from the theory that it must be a man. We really don't know.

As for @bluecray's comment...wtf?