Dating thread 225: Roses are red, violets are blue

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

MrMind has cancelled on me this morning. He says he is ill, but well he was fine last night when he was out
Trying not to be cynical but I had a feeling he was going to cancel, I'm not sure where that feeling came from as he has never cancelled before.
Feeing pretty shitty as I'd made arrangements with a dog sitter and don't have dc this weekend so now I'm left with nothing to do

30somethingandstillsingle

Oh that sucks . Can you keep the dog and use the money you would have spent on the date on having a really nice Treat tonight

Yea that’s a dick move

ButterflyOfShay
I’m fine and hope yo are too
I’m just hungover , and yesterday was way intense , and the whole week in fact
Not irons fault
But people heavy and I need to get into my introvert box 📦

@Thisisworsethananticpated

30somethingandstillsingle

Oh that sucks . Can you keep the dog and use the money you would have spent on the date on having a really nice Treat tonight

Yea that’s a dick move

I've cancelled the dog sitter but still need to pay. Also picking a birthday cake up for him this morning that I've ordered and paid for. Guess I'll be eating cake for dinner

Oh shit this was the birthday weekend
Oh Jesus

That’s bad
Why was his reason exactly

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Oh shit this was the birthday weekend Oh Jesus

That’s bad
Why was his reason exactly

D&V, apparently he's been up most of the night with it. Thing is, I think he planted the seed yesterday morning as he said he had had a bad tummy, then later in the day said he felt better and went out last night and now this morning, bad stomach again. He's not been flaky at all until now, but my gut is telling me it's bs.

Oh no, @30somethingandstillsingle, how disappointing! Does he sound disappointed? I’m so sorry 😞

Oh man
It’s that place of doubt now isn’t it
As even if he does come back , your totally and justifiable pissed off 😤

And instinct are
Always spot on

@30somethingandstillsingle I'm always a bit dubious when people start planting seeds of sickness. My ex used to do it when he wanted a weekend to himself rather than actually telling me he had stuff to do. How long have you been seeing him?

@30somethingandstillsingle, is Mr Mind the widower and who you thought wasn’t ready to come off the apps ? Or am I jumbling 3 different scenarios here ? 😬 It’s always difficult early on with someone to figure out how exactly how they operate, particularly when they are causing you to second guess one or two things. I think you know when someone is being consistent and honest with you. There is a tendency to be looking for BS, it’s usually heightened for us on the thread who have been fed a line in the past. I think his illness/excuse today and ( if correct) his hesitance to say he was off the apps would be making me feel rather unsettled. I’m not sure if him being a widower is a significant factor in this but speaking of my own circumstances I was very aware of what those around me were thinking about my dating after DH passed away. It may be that something else has come up related to family or friends regarding his birthday and he doesn’t want to put seeing you into that mix. But this is all supposition on my part and someone genuine in their motivation will find a way to convey this to you. Regardless of his past it’s you who he is dating and you want and deserve his full commitment to that.

@Stepcount yes he's a widower and also hesitated about coming off the apps, though I did talk to him about that and he had put them to 'take a break' so no new matches which is what I had done so we had resolved that issue.
I think you have hit the nail on the head though with perhaps other plans around his birthday that have come up and not wanting to mix the two- which I totally understand. It was his suggestion to do something this weekend though.
He's been messaging this morning 'updating' me on how poorly he is feeling and all that is doing is making me think he's trying too hard to make me believe he is ill.

Might send him a picture of his birthday cake later, before I eat it 😂

@30somethingandstillsingle, it sounds like you had a good conversation to settle the issue with pausing the apps. I would try to take his messages at face value about how he’s feeling this morning. We can’t know if it’s real or not but I think I’d prefer to keep hearing from him rather than radio silence. This is a bland but ultimately true statement- time will tell what happens for the two of you. I’m sure you will but try to hit the right tone with ‘ just eating your cake ‘ 🥳😂

Yeah I agree with everyone above
I didn’t realise he was a widower , for how long ?
Eat that cake !!!!!!
And maybe give him and you some space , but agree it’s good he’s texting

Literally stop taking this man's (cake) crumbs! He is so ill but was able to go out last night? He probably hungover or already got a shag from someone else.
Send him a pic of cake with a fuck off message and block.
This is the reason I dont post on this thread, women falling over themselves to make up bollocks excuses for shitty men. Dick is abundant and low value. Go get a better one.

@MrsBerthaRochester

Literally stop taking this man's (cake) crumbs! He is so ill but was able to go out last night? He probably hungover or already got a shag from someone else. Send him a pic of cake with a fuck off message and block. This is the reason I dont post on this thread, women falling over themselves to make up bollocks excuses for shitty men. Dick is abundant and low value. Go get a better one.

I appreciate your opinion but I'm not sure I agree with it. I'm certainly not making excuses for him, I don't know whether it's genuine or not but I'm not sure telling him to 'fuck off' is fair when it could be genuine. He's not been flaky or cancelled previously, but I am going to take a step back and leave the ball in his court now.

Its not genuine. He was ok to go out LAST night. Its his birthday weekend and he doesnt want to see you.
Leave the ball in his court? Why so passive? I would be phoning him and telling him in no uncertain terms that you think he is bullshitting you and he better get his arse over pronto.

Had my second date with Mr Red, ended with a nice kiss and a sneaky feel. Pleased to find out that he is definitely packed :)

@30somethingandstillsingle
What an absolute shitbag. I would arrange to do something else, even just getting in car and taking the dog for a hike somewhere. Forget about him.

@MrsBerthaRochester

Its not genuine. He was ok to go out LAST night. Its his birthday weekend and he doesnt want to see you. Leave the ball in his court? Why so passive? I would be phoning him and telling him in no uncertain terms that you think he is bullshitting you and he better get his arse over pronto.

This doesn’t make any sense. If you were 100% sure he was bullshitting you, why would you want him to get his arse over to you? To have a nice fight or something? The trust would be gone so it would be best to leave it, surely? Or do you just like the drama?

I certainly wouldnt be sitting eating cake and seething on my own while he nurses his hangover having enjoyed his night out.
Raise your bar.

@MrsBerthaRochester

I certainly wouldnt be sitting eating cake and seething on my own while he nurses his hangover having enjoyed his night out. Raise your bar.

I'm not seething. Though I will eat the cake

It's not a hangover as it wasn't that kind of night out.
Yes I'm going to take a step back, but I'm not going to challenge him on this as he may well be genuinely ill. I have no way of knowing for sure at the moment

@30somethingandstillsingle

I agree with your mindset - I'd definitely feel annoyed/disappointed/ a bit suspicious

but agree with just taking a step back and taking it at face value, and I don't think there's any need to make a massive drama about it or try to punish him

(and I am quite hotheaded and have reacted that way in the past and regretted it tbh? ).

Maybe the "birthday weekend" isn't such a big deal for him - I'm not a special occasion person and hide my birthdays and don't register "dates"? Ultimately I want to spend Xmases on hippy retreats somewhere hot and sunny. That doesn't mean I want to "reject" anyone I'm dating at the time.

(a very sweet colleague once found out my birthday and organised a surprise office cake and card and candles and singalong, I mean I was polite, but tbh I was kind of internally f**g mortified?

And I really thought she was a lovely person and it was a decent, nice thing to do - just not "me". But I'd have looked like a total twat if I'd found out and told her not to do it?

There's loads of posts on Mumsnet about long term couples where the man HATES presents and birthdays).

If you feel he's pulling back a bit you can get new dates yourself or invest less time and energy and mirror his behaviour back, it's not a big deal.

(My cancelled date zero came back today with an offer of dinner next week, which I was a bit about accepting but I've tentatively agreed? He suggested somewhere local to me and I won't plan on dressing up or making travel arrangements or changing my plans so will treat it like a work social)

@30somethingandstillsingle thats pretty rubbish but I would give him benefit of the doubt. Burry this one deep, if any similar stuff comes out then perhaps reconsider if its worth to continue?
Its hard to say what is a truth. I tend to go by a rule :give ppl trust until they prove you otherwise. Im sure sooner or later you will "know" what was it.
Shame about cake, however perhaps eat it with pleasure? Its his lost at the end of a day 😎
I had similar thing (- minus birthday) and the guy in the end flaked, but if it happened to me again (not the same guy) then I would do the same and not be hasty about it. (Lol me not hasty 😏)
Thats how I see it anyway...
Keep it strong, we got it! 💪🏻

Thanks, it's not so much that it's his birthday, just that we had stuff planned and I was looking forward to it and had made arrangements around it. But I will take it at face value for now.

30somethingandstillsingle
Looks he’s really disappointed you

I hope at some stage you express that to him

MrT Update. Apparently taking a leap of faith pays off. Last night I revisited the boyfriend label and he looked at me like I was a bit of a weirdo and said that I've essentially been misinterpreting what he's been telling me previously - that he's not fussed about labels as he doesn't see the need, that he's just been referring to me as "the girl he's been seeing for the last few months" which is good enough for him but he has no issue if I want to refer to him as my boyfriend in conversations 😅 In his eyes we've been "there" for ages 🤷‍♀️

A very much more serious ILY was shared. I adore this man and he has helped me in so many more ways than he even realises and is just such a lovely addition to my life. I feel so, so blessed. And absolutely excited about making lots of memories with him!