Dating thread 225: Roses are red, violets are blue

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Hehx3 It sounds like you're on edge about the 'what are we' question and now you're hinting at him and hoping he'll pick up those hints and say something about exclusivity etc and when he didn't you sniped at him. Its hard to say nice things and not get much back.

The 'I keep thinking about you' statement could come across as full on/love bomby so early on.
I know you want someone on the same page as you but 2.5 months in is very early for someone to say they're 100% in to you.

I hope you can talk this through with him and it all works out well.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I think he is a decent guy, but it does not feel good for me anymore. Im not going to analyse it, if it is me or him, just go by how it feels.
@SortingItOut thank you for your thoughts on it, yeah I did make myself vulnerable and he hasn't reciprocated, that sucks but its okay. I wasn't expecting I love yous - that would scared me off- but if he cant articulate he has been thinking about our time (which is fair enough that he wasnt and then cant) he is not for me.

Hex , it’s very smart to not over analyse but go with how you feel
Don’t feel right , good ?
Then that’s your decision and right xxx

It's MrMinds birthday this weekend and I really struggled to know what to get him, so I have gone with some small trinket/key chains with things that signify some of our dates and some 'in' subjects we've talked about and have put them together.

Im now having some anxiety about it and wonder if it's a bit of a weird thing? Or maybe too much? Too personal? Help!

@30somethingandstillsingle

If he's 100% into you I'd say nothing would put him off.

It sounds like you've put a lot of lovely thought and effort into the present, I guess the only thing is to be mindful he might not "appreciate" it as much as you'd like and take it in the spirit it was meant, if that makes any sense?

(and then your feelings might be hurt if you think it reflects on how he feels about you - which isn't a good thing, even if the dating is Ok otherwise).

I guess it's reading the room on things like this really and that depends on the person

if he's a creative type who notices and remembers details, and you communicate lots on random stuff, then he'll "get it", if it's not really his style he might not 100% understand it?

It's a cliche but the stereotype is men often don't really "get" the culture of gifts/birthdays, and I've often found that to be true.

I'd expect a courteous thanks no matter what the gift was though, even if it's completely opposite to his tastes, that's just being decent.

Thanks @ReturnOfTheBunk he is quite a deep person and I think he would 'get' all the references straight away. We are spending the day together tomorrow, so I might just wait and decide whether I'm brave enough or I'm too drunk to care to give it to him. I have bought him a cake at least 😂

All quiet on the apps still!

Someone mooted a date zero for today (nothing exciting, just coffee local to me so I could do it when I went about my routine) then cancelled this morning by calling up saying he had a cold.

I feel like an awful middle manager judging an 18 year old throwing
sickie....

but I'm not convinced and found it a bit annoying - it felt a bit staged, like he was sniffing "on purpose" during the phone call? No-one sniffs that much IRL!

Of course I expect he's multi-dating but I saw his location change a few times on his profile over the last week, actually to my city which he didn't mention (DetectiveBunk is on the case)

and wonder if I've been blown (sniffed ) out as he's waiting to see how things progress with another iron but wants to keep me on the back burner?

Not sure if I should just drop him or if that's my "ego/pride" reacting and I should just let him do what he wants and be open to meeting again if suggested (my schedule wasn't affected at all and obviously he doesn't owe me anything we're strangers).

I'm definitely feeling more zen about the apps as I'm aiming for zero expectations and not even one date?

@ReturnOfTheBunk

All quiet on the apps still!

Someone mooted a date zero for today (nothing exciting, just coffee local to me so I could do it when I went about my routine) then cancelled this morning by calling up saying he had a cold.

I feel like an awful middle manager judging an 18 year old throwing
sickie....

but I'm not convinced and found it a bit annoying - it felt a bit staged, like he was sniffing "on purpose" during the phone call? No-one sniffs that much IRL!

Of course I expect he's multi-dating but I saw his location change a few times on his profile over the last week, actually to my city which he didn't mention (DetectiveBunk is on the case)

and wonder if I've been blown (sniffed ) out as he's waiting to see how things progress with another iron but wants to keep me on the back burner?

Not sure if I should just drop him or if that's my "ego/pride" reacting and I should just let him do what he wants and be open to meeting again if suggested (my schedule wasn't affected at all and obviously he doesn't owe me anything we're strangers).

I'm definitely feeling more zen about the apps as I'm aiming for zero expectations and not even one date?

I have had no hard and fast rules on second chances. Some get them, some don't. The day I met MrD finally after lots of childcare juggles I was also suppose to have a date zero. It was out of my home town, I'd had to travel for it and he blew me out twenty minutes beforehand. He got blocked and deleted that very day!! On the way to meeting MrD. So, my take is - it's all about context.

"I have had no hard and fast rules on second chances. Some get them, some don't. The day I met MrD finally after lots of childcare juggles I was also suppose to have a date zero. It was out of my home town, I'd had to travel for it and he blew me out twenty minutes beforehand. He got blocked and deleted that very day!! On the way to meeting MrD. So, my take is - it's all about context."

That's kind of my line of thinking - I did think "righto, blocked" initially as based on past experience this situation never ends up well.

But then again I'm not really reserving lots of time for him (or anyone) so I guess it can't hurt to just keep things open (he may drift anyway).

@30somethingandstillsingle

It's MrMinds birthday this weekend and I really struggled to know what to get him, so I have gone with some small trinket/key chains with things that signify some of our dates and some 'in' subjects we've talked about and have put them together.

Im now having some anxiety about it and wonder if it's a bit of a weird thing? Or maybe too much? Too personal? Help!

I don’t mean to be unkind but I think that, while a lovely idea, your gift sounds a bit too ‘up close and personal’ and may feel like over-investment to him? That said, I can’t remember how long you have been seeing each other, whether ILY has been uttered, what you e agreed you’re working towards. All these things have an impact of course. Plus I’m crap at pressies! So please ignore me if you wish.

@30somethingandstillsingle I think @Badbaddog is right, as in it's all about context. I'm a great one for giving and receiving gifts (although I'm allergic to tat of any sort). Hopefully he'll accept it in the spirit it's been given and it will be a nice romantic gesture.

I do appreciate the input. I think maybe it is too personal. He's hard to buy for as if he wants anything then he buys it... over to plan B of sexy lingerie and cake (not at the same time )

Nailed it @30somethingandstillsingle!

@30somethingandstillsingle think a lot of men would appreciate simultaneous sexy lingerie and cake 😀

[quote Stayingstrongish]@30somethingandstillsingle think a lot of men would appreciate simultaneous sexy lingerie and cake 😀[/quote]
What she said 😁

[quote Hehx3]@Thisisworsethananticpated I think the fact Im in the camp "thinking about you a lot" and he is in the camp "i like to spend time with you" which perhaps are not miles apart but not at the same side yet. I value my inner peace and I want someone to be on the same page after 2 mths and a bit, so sad but thats the way it is 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
@Hehx3 I wouldn’t take it to heart! If it made him feel uncomfortable then he wouldn’t have replied… then said he hoped he hadn’t upset you.. some people just find it hard to be lovey dovey, I would really try not to get upset over wording of a text message.

@Hehx3 I wouldn’t take it to heart! If it made him feel uncomfortable then he wouldn’t have replied… then said he hoped he hadn’t upset you.. some people just find it hard to be lovey dovey, I would really try not to get upset over wording of a text message.

I agree with this. I'm not sure how long you have been seeing him but with MrT and I, my constant reading between the lines and not actually listening to what he was trying to tell me could have broken us, had he not been so patient and understanding (and a heap of communication on both parts, and self work on mine).

We reached a turning point last night where he was able to give me a taste of what I'd been doing to him by focusing on any potential abandonment. He was sneaky but gentle about it and it was a massive eye opener.

It's caused a massive shift in me.

We're all human with massively different communication styles and experiences. It's a wonder we even figure stuff out at all! If he's worth it, I'd try to figure this one out with him. If not, then back to finding someone who is!

Glad it’s still going well for you @InABetterPlaceNow 🙂💘

@ButterflyOfShay

Glad it’s still going well for you *@InABetterPlaceNow* 🙂💘

Thank you! If I'd posted last week if had said we were about to split. The 3 month thing is real. Seems to be a point where cards are on the table and you either figure it out, or don't.

While I'm prepared to eat my hat, I think this is for the long term. We've had some tricky conversations and I come out of them feeling a litter closer to love each time. Being able to have grown up conversations might actually be enough for me in a relationship. And then he adds chemistry, skills in the bedroom (who knew sex was supposed to be fun?! Trauma speaking 😂), common interests, intellectual match, spiritual match, long term goals, the list goes on and I'm 🤢 at myself.

He's not perfect by any means. Sometimes his jokes hit wrong and I call him on it. Clearly he's seen how not perfect I am and he calls me on it. Im happy for the mirror and 90% of the time he's right. 10% I clarify my position.

Apparently, recently, our biggest blocker has been him feeling like I'm one foot out. Which blows my mind because the only reason I'm one foot out is because I want to give HIM an out because he is too damn good for me. It's just a little too good to be true. Which fires all my "he's just saying stuff to trap me". My gut says that actually, he might be exactly what I need, and I need to take a leap of faith that he sees the same in me too. Wish me luck!!

Hi, thank you all for your input its very appriciated. I think with him although he is a good guy, its not going to work. I just cant shake off this feeling Im going to get hurt again (perhaps sabotage, perhaps not). I used to rationalise and analyse everything in my previous 2 relationship and now I want to try going by how I feel. Matthew H (yes this Matthew 🥰) has this little clip - will try to post it below- that I decided to implement. If this guy Mr Teacher will not come with any sort of communication I will be walking away x

https://youtube.com/shorts/zfG5c99zaYk?feature=share

That’s a good clip hex
And yeah I’m continuing with my iron as right now he makes me feel happy
It’s as simple as that isn’t it x

@Thisisworsethananticpated

That’s a good clip hex And yeah I’m continuing with my iron as right now he makes me feel happy It’s as simple as that isn’t it x

How did the date go yesterday? Did you have the chat?

That’s fair enough @Hehx3 and I completely get you. If he’s not bringing you a feeling of happiness and ease then you’ve got to do what’s best for yourself. That limbo feeling or uncertainty is no good at all.

Daydreamscometrue
It was good thanks
We ended up talking a lot more around the splits both had with the parents of our kids
It was a bit heavy , but it’s good we communicate
I asked if he was seeing other women , he said no , are you ? I said no

So , yeah .

It’s been such an intense week for many reasons
I need to not see people for a day !!!

@Thisisworsethananticpated hope you’re ok 💕