Dating thread 225: Roses are red, violets are blue

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Date with miss Horse seemed to go okay last night, we had a nice dinner, few drinks afterwards, got a cab home ( alone), but we had a kiss, ( and she grabbed my backside again ! ).
So all good, few messages back and forth today ( and she is bit smutty ), so all good

Yay she clearly likes your bum!

Just popped on to say Hi.
Some of you might remember me from my posts about MrWow and MrSolid, going back a few years! Lots of name changes - ThirdTimeUnlucky and TooOldForThis67 to name but 2!
I'm just reminiscing really (to myself, obvs, lol) and worked out I'll have been seeing MrSolid on and off for over 5 yrs! Can anyone beat that for an OLD contact? We're still in touch, still both off the Apps, and pretty much resided ourselves to some kind of future together at some point. That sounds pretty shit I realise but honestly, it's actually quite good having a backup.
If for no other reason, I just wanted to mark this on the dating site for my own future reference. One day I'll be old and senile and be grateful that I remarked about this for posterity!

@Walkingalot

Just popped on to say Hi. Some of you might remember me from my posts about MrWow and MrSolid, going back a few years! Lots of name changes - ThirdTimeUnlucky and TooOldForThis67 to name but 2! I'm just reminiscing really (to myself, obvs, lol) and worked out I'll have been seeing MrSolid on and off for over 5 yrs! Can anyone beat that for an OLD contact? We're still in touch, still both off the Apps, and pretty much resided ourselves to some kind of future together at some point. That sounds pretty shit I realise but honestly, it's actually quite good having a backup. If for no other reason, I just wanted to mark this on the dating site for my own future reference. One day I'll be old and senile and be grateful that I remarked about this for posterity!

@Walkingalot so pleased for you! Great to hear a positive OLD story 👏🏻👏🏻

HowlongWillThisTakeNow
Bum grabbing and smutty texts
She likes ya !

I've had a week of self sabotaging myself. Met up with an old fb and dtd, then met one of the guys I had a social with from fab and also dtd.
It's a regular occurrence when a relationship or dating doesn't go quite how I had hoped and I almost use it like a crutch (and I do also like sex!) but it never makes me feel any better in the long term.

This was in an effort to forget MrMind, who has seriously got under my skin, not helped by us texting pretty much as regularly as before l, but now just as 'friends'.

I also had a date last night and I said I was going out to MrM and he asked if it was a date, I told him that I wouldn't lie to him and that it was. He wished me well and said he hoped I had a good time.

Now today, he is full of apologies for things he's said and wants to meet for a coffee before I go away later this week, I've agreed and he's referred to it as 'a date'.

Any other man and I wouldn't even be texting let alone arranging a 'date' but...My gut tells me he is genuinely just a bit of a mess, and isn't messing me around (intentionally anyway).

Am I making too many allowances for him because he's a widower?

30somethingandstillsingle

Oh be careful !!! He’s jealous now and wants you back
Clearly
But he didn’t want you as much when other men weren’t erm , fucking u (let’s call it what it is)

Never a dull moment hey
Just be very very careful

I just happened to click on here and you have just posted @30somethingandstillsingle. So trying not to jump in as the resident widow of the thread or claim any superior knowledge. I think the pertinent things to consider is how long ago his wife passed away and if he’s had any relationships lasting longer than a few dates since. There is a difference to being widowed as there may not have been any issues in the marriage and but for the illness or accident their relationship may well have still been going strong. You may also find that he is protecting his DC from any further hurt or disruption and he may be very mindful of how family and friends view him dating- especially his late wife’s family. I think you need to ask him when you see see him in the week what he’s looking for or can offer. Say that because you met in a dating context you’re not sure how easy it will be to become just friends- and in addition in the nicest possible sense why he’s kept in touch. I find open dialogue pretty easy but I appreciate it can be a challenge to find the right way to say what needs to be said. You’re obviously someone who is open to a number of potential dating scenarios so maybe find a way to discuss what he’s offering and what you would be happy with. Have you developed feelings ? Could you handle a FWB set up with him ?

I spent the afternoon shagging Balkan Baltic
I know
But I’m tired of chatting and dating
Had a date last night total sweetheart
But didn’t fancy him
So I’ll keep options open and get my oats from Balkan Baltic

@Thisisworsethananticpated, are you feeling okay about this with Balkan Baltic ? I thought you were feeling emotionally involved and sad that he’d withdrawn over the last week or two? If you are happy with the arrangement then that’s great. I had a long-standing FWB scenario but I had to end it because too many feelings were involved. Is it just sex as far as he’s concerned?

@Thisisworsethananticpated that is what I would automatically think with anyone else. Not sure if I'm being too lenient with him 

@Stepcount that is really useful thank you. It's been less than a year since she passed and I am the first person he has dated longer than a couple of dates.
I do probably have some feelings for him. It's hard not too, we click on so many levels, or did until he had his major wobble.

@Thisisworsethananticpated this sounds a recipe for hurt here, you'll never meet anyone else whilst Mr Balkan is taking up headspace. He sounds very wishy washy....are you strong enough? I doubt I'd be..

@30somethingandstillsingle is this the widower? I guess I would be wondering why he wasn't interested when you were available? There could be a number of reasons as @Stepcount mentioned but take care of your heart.

Thanks all for being supportive on both threads. I had a great weekend seeing friends plus indulging on a facial and pedicure plus Squid Games and nice M&S food. Mr Music took up a lot of my thoughts but things seem to be improving as he is coming out of his fog of illness etc. It felt good to do my own things though.

Thanks
I’m aware this isn’t a fantastic idea on paper
But as I’m looking more for a fwb than a relationship I’ll see how it goes
As the alternative is another fwb if that makes sense
And I’m chatting with others
I’m also a bit more detached this time around
I can see his flaws , he’s not a bad guy just a bit messed up

I know he’s not relationship material , but in some ways nor am I right now

@30somethingandstillsingle, less than a year is very early days. I’m sure he’s still processing lots of things - practical and emotional . I can’t possibly say with any certainty how he’s feeling about anything but at that stage I could be very sad one minute and setting up dates the next. He may be dating because he feels ready or as a means to fill a void. These are difficult things to hear and every person will process their grief in a different way. From your point of view I would proceed with caution. I wouldn’t be hoping or expecting him to be ready as yet for a new relationship. The first guy I got intimate with I actually felt like I was cheating on my (late) DH.

I wanted to say hi and introduce myself.

I was signposted here after I started a thread about OLD, I’ve only just started and no success so far.

I’ve been chatting to a guy and he’s really quizzing me about my divorce, I told him it was nearly done and it was amicable which feels like the appropriate amount of information for a stranger. But he keeps quizzing: ‘how did I get to this stage, what happened, what was the cause of the divorce, how do I feel about it, how long were we together’

Why does this all matter? I’m quite a private person, especially with someone I’ve never met.

BearFacedCheekGrylls

Ah welcome
Boundaries
He’s weird
You don’t have to entertain this chat

Thank you and thank you

@BearFacedCheekGrylls love your username 🙂

I wouldn't talk to this man any more if I were you. He wants to see what boundaries he can cross.

@Walkingalot

Just popped on to say Hi. Some of you might remember me from my posts about MrWow and MrSolid, going back a few years! Lots of name changes - ThirdTimeUnlucky and TooOldForThis67 to name but 2! I'm just reminiscing really (to myself, obvs, lol) and worked out I'll have been seeing MrSolid on and off for over 5 yrs! Can anyone beat that for an OLD contact? We're still in touch, still both off the Apps, and pretty much resided ourselves to some kind of future together at some point. That sounds pretty shit I realise but honestly, it's actually quite good having a backup. If for no other reason, I just wanted to mark this on the dating site for my own future reference. One day I'll be old and senile and be grateful that I remarked about this for posterity!

I remember you from of old, I think I may have been TigerDater then? Lovely to hear from you. May I say the way you speak about Mr Solid is a bit unusual - ‘resigned’ and ‘backup’. Do you want to explain a bit more, for posterity?

[quote Stepcount]@30somethingandstillsingle, less than a year is very early days. I’m sure he’s still processing lots of things - practical and emotional . I can’t possibly say with any certainty how he’s feeling about anything but at that stage I could be very sad one minute and setting up dates the next. He may be dating because he feels ready or as a means to fill a void. These are difficult things to hear and every person will process their grief in a different way. From your point of view I would proceed with caution. I wouldn’t be hoping or expecting him to be ready as yet for a new relationship. The first guy I got intimate with I actually felt like I was cheating on my (late) DH.[/quote]

I think he most likely isn't ready for anything serious and I'm ok with that. I have no desire to meet his dc or friends anytime soon (though I have met a couple already)
I do think he panicked and pushed me away. There's some other bits he said which I can't repeat as they are hugely outing, but he obviously has something he wants to say, so I'm going to go and listen but I'm also not willing to compromise my boundaries.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I hope my post didn't sound critical, I think I'm someone who would get emotionally attached in such a scenario and would get hurt but you sound like you have your wits about you here and aren't looking for more from him.

Eesha
You didn’t sound critical at all
I appreciate the wisdom here x
Happy Monday

Ahhh @Thisisworsethananticpated so hard to forget someone you have chemistry with! If the sex was shite you wouldn’t be back there would you.
@Eesha glad you’re doing good 💛
@30somethingandstillsingle sounds like he can’t forget you at all!
I went and saw a band on Friday night. Not ONE hot single fella in a room of about 150 people in it.
Still refusing to OLD!!

Welcome @BearFacedCheekGrylls 👋