Dating thread 225: Roses are red, violets are blue

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Stepcount hey, I just answered on the other thread. Yes still chatting each day for an hour but the fun and frolics seems to have faded. I am being supportive and fun but the longer things go on, the more I start to overthink whether this is right for me

Looks like I am being ghosted, last message has delivered but not read looks like he’s been online on messenger and apps but not read or replied. I don’t understand why he’d message to say he lost his phone but then not message again. Why not just ghost/block then then leave me waiting. I don’t understand people at all, why are they so shit

@ihavetogoshoppingnow, I think you have been patient and sat this out really well. You need to assess now what means he could have used this week to communicate with you. When you say he’s been active on messenger do you mean Facebook messenger? And on the apps ? - presumably if he’s accessing the apps then he has had the ability to message you on there ? I’d say that even if he’s not ghosting you as such he’s had ways of being in touch that he’s not used … which would make me feel probably exactly how you are feeling now. You either chuck it in the fuck- it bucket and not give him the satisfaction of showing that you’re bothered by his actions or you send a ‘ thanks but I am out of here ‘ message. The second gives him too much attention if he is ghosting you.

@Stepcount if he had genuinely lost his phone then he wouldn’t have been able to contact and that reflected with him not being online anywhere then he messaged once to say lost phone went straight back offline and hadn’t been online since but now today it looks like he has, the messages that hadn’t sent have delivered but he hasn’t read either. It’s just frustrating as like you said I’d been patient and believed it was genuine and now it just feels like I’m being ignored. I won’t message again, and I’ve hidden my profile for now because I need a break from it all it’s too disheartening

I think you are right not to reach out again to him. In the spirit of fairness to him the only thing I will say is I once smashed my phone. At the time I know there were WhatsApp messages yet to be read ( by me) but when I installed WhatsApp on my new phone they never reappeared. I think that was something to do with automatic back up not happening whilst phone out of use so only backed up messages reappeared.
If however he clearly still has the means to message you on the dating app but hasn’t done so then that’s a different matter.
Please remember this is on him and not you. Rubbish behaviour can be very difficult to keep accepting when you know that you are acting thoughtfully and with integrity.

@Stepcount I know it’s him that’s shit and not me but doesn’t stop me feeling crap, I just want to curl up and cry at how people can behave but I’ve had to pull myself together to take DC cycling (still holding out on bagging myself on Olympian there 😂)

@ihavetogoshoppingnow I really empathise as I was the same and couldn't believe how people could behave. However ultimately they have to live with themselves and not everyone is as fake as that.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so affected by the way people treat me but at least I know I’ll never do the same I’d never want anyone to feel like I have

@ihavetogoshoppingnow honestly you'll get over it as soon as someone else enters your radar. The weirdness is on him, not you, as you've been perfectly open and honest. I've been where you are and it has flummoxed me!!! But time heals and put it down to an unlucky experience

ihavetogoshoppingnow

I’m sorry . What I hate is the incompletion
I completed with Balkan Baltic and I feel better for knowing why (basically I pissed him off )

I’d be tempted to send a message actually
If nothing else to say your deleting him and that ghosting /flaking like this is just really emotionally unintelligent and hurtful and uncool (or words to that effect )
Then , delete delete and delete so you have no means to contact him

It’s the incompleteness that absolutely sucks, there’s no closure or reason as to why which you usually have with someone you’ve actually dated. He’s not been online much so clearly is still having some issue but if he can log in he can take the time to send a message even if it was just a ‘hey sorry still having issues’ you know? It’s the complete lack of acknowledgment I can’t deal with

I agree You may find that sending a ‘I’m out’ message along the lines of @Thisisworsethananticpated will bring closure. So long as you leave him no means of getting a response in!

Yeah I’ll forget about him soon enough, not sure about if I want to take a break or not. Putting myself out there constantly is so hard but I know if I don’t I have no chance of meeting anyone so it’s a double edged sword really

ihavetogoshoppingnow
I’d say lick your wounds for a couple of days and get back on the horse 🐎
Not all men flake this nastily
No you might not meet a husband next time but there are nicer our there

And the non stop texting till midnight before a date ? (I read your posts ) )
So I’m only a few months into this shizzle

Bit for reasons I don’t know , it’s a bit of a 🚩

@ihavetogoshoppingnow if he’s only just got a new phone then he’s likely going to have a hundred messages etc to reply to, give it til after the weekend see what happens. I don’t mean to be nasty but he’s only met you once if it was me I’d have 3 dozen other people I’d have to let know I’m still alive rather than my priority being in touch with someone I’d met once.

[quote Eesha]@Stepcount hey, I just answered on the other thread. Yes still chatting each day for an hour but the fun and frolics seems to have faded. I am being supportive and fun but the longer things go on, the more I start to overthink whether this is right for me[/quote]
That’s a pity @Eesha 😟 did you say he was always a bit deep and serious or was I thinking anout someone else. I would struggle with someone who wasn’t very lighthearted generally x

Evening everyone… I’ve not posted much recently; mainly in a ‘licking wounds and not feeling it re OLD’ way post MrM. Did a month of no contact between us at all after our last conversation but then sent a sort of ‘closure but no hard feelings’ lighthearted text yesterday and had a heartfelt and lovely exchange as a result that made me a bit emotional but do feel like we’ve closed the chapter in a mature, mutually respectful way. I’m not ready to be friends yet but think if we’re meant to be in time we will. He confirmed yesterday that whereas I’m looking for someone to hold hands and jump off the metaphorical cliff of possibility, he sadly suffers from “emotional vertigo” and that the very small advantage of him having pointed this out to me before we even met is that I can be sure his lack of head for emotional heights is no reflection on me 😝

So - weirdly I feel kind of okay about it. I do now need to park it all and move on.

To that end I have been dabbling on Feeld. Date zero planned with Mr Eurostar next week, and although this time we’ve already established each other’s attachment style (this is not normal conversation, surely?) he is based 50/50 between London/Paris so probably not exactly a suitable prospect 🙄😝

@ButterflyOfShay gosh yes, Mr Music is uber deep but we complement each other. We had a big old chat last night about things and my takeaway points were that I need to ride things out and not catastrophise, that I seem to catastrophise whenever I don't see him generally, that he blames the universe for everyone going through a bad time at present and that we should be able to come back stronger when we can finally meet.

Hey @Eesha glad you had a chat, does he know you catastrophise when you don't get to see him? It’s just if I had started seeing a guy and after 3 months he said that to me I believe I would start feeling very under pressure and that would probably make me back off. I can’t help feeling like he’s perhaps sensing it feels pretty full on for such a short space of time and what is this going to mean for him in the future? If he gets sick or busy, he might be worried about how are you going to be? Just a thought. Hope he does feel better soon.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs so lovely to see you!! 🌸🌼🌺

Hey @ButterflyOfShay, I made it clear that it only felt frustrating as we had been through a tough time then not been able to see each other to get back to normal. However he does feel I'm a bit negative and always think the worst whereas he's a believer in thinking very positive. I don't want to be that person in a relationship so will keep an eye on that.

I felt I was fine before with seeing him every week/2 weeks but admittedly I do like that regular attention/chat ie calls etc and things had felt a bit flat recently for us both due to external stuff like illness, jobs. We still do chat every night though but that's the dynamic we have always had.

Blahhh I am back with more mr sparky content, he’s now messaged to say he can’t access his old conversations/lost contacts so I’ve sent him my number again, anddddd he’s not been online since. 🙃 however I’ve just done an hour of yoga so refuse to let him ruin my zen

Please don’t waste another weekend stressing after this twat !

@ihavetogoshoppingnow, has been apologetic in his messages? If I liked someone, had met them and had then been thwarted for a week from speaking to them I would definitely be making every effort to get things back on track. It all sounds a bit offhand to me. I wouldn’t be feeling like he was thankful for the opportunity to be back properly in touch. Definitely don’t sit there looking at the phone waiting for his message.

I definitely won’t be sat waiting around if he texts then he texts I will give him a chance if communication goes back to how it was pre phone incident but if not then he’s getting axed. He hasn’t been particularly apologetic just quick and straight forward 🙄