Dating thread 225: Roses are red, violets are blue

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I know I should probably just accept he’s gone and there’s probably no explanation but I just can’t get it out my head that it doesn’t seem like he would’ve ghosted. Maybe I just want to believe that though usually I have a good instinct for when someone’s shady.

@Thisisworsethananticpated what happened with your iron?

@VivaVegas it’s so infuriating isn’t it, to just not know why or what happened

@ihavetogoshoppingnow

It is, I think why bother keeping in contact during the week and especially yesterday to forewarn he couldn't make after work yesterday.

Why bother 🤷🏼‍♀️

It makes no sense does it, mine went out of his way to work around and change his work schedule so we could meet, came to me etc, had a great date. I don’t get why he’d then just disappear

@ihavetogoshoppingnow this happened to me on my first proper OLD experience after 3 great dates. We were due to meet for our 4th date and he ghosted. They do it because they have other options on the go or they don’t care as much as they pretend to or myriad other reasons. I posted at the time and someone wise here said he would appear back again at some point and he did! Several times over the past year. Still playing the same games.
It’s too easy to make excuses but in reality we are all so contactable these days there is no excuse barring a coma or serious family emergency that prevents a quick text to cancel or rearrange or say sorry I’m not feeling it

I think a lot of men don't want to be seen as the bad guy and maybe overpromise or multi date. I think just leave things and see what they say. I didn't hear from someone over a bank holiday and he said he had dropped his phone in his laundry basket. Figured out later probably married

ihavetogoshoppingnow
In simple terms he needed a woman to look after him as he’s having a hard time and lost his mum, family issues etc
We had great chemistry , but I couldn’t be a nurturer for him

And I need a man to look after me a bit !

It’s really made me think what my motives are and what I want
Started thinking I wanted hot sex
But now ….

@MayEye I’ve had it happen loads of times before and usually it’s seemingly out of nowhere which is shit it’s the fact that my message hasn’t delivered (which would usually mean their phones off) and his last seen online was nearly 24 hours ago now which is making me wonder, otherwise I’d just write them off as soon as they missed our date

VivaVegas
My friend said something which stuck with me which is to be more direct , not assume the worst and just ask them

We are so trained to think ‘don’t chase ‘ and ‘they will ghost’ it perverts normal human communications

I’d just rather ask and know

That said I meant to be having a walking date tomorrow but he’s done all quiet
On that one I think I’ll let him slide
I’ve told him I’m not up for immediate hook up
And I’m physically and emotionally bruised

@Thisisworsethananticpated even though you feel shit now I think leaving is definitely the right thing and if it’s made you reassess what you want it’s at least steering you in the right direction for next time?

ihavetogoshoppingnow
Yeah
I can’t lie
I want an emotional connection and someone to look after me a bit , not that I want to lean on them and burden them
But I want a strong man
I’m tired of being a strong woman

Me and my builder have a small mutual crush (he’s
Married so won’t go there !) but he really looked after me when he did the build and when I had covid and I love that about him
And I’m 1000% not going there

ihavetogoshoppingnow
By the way the minute I find myself looking at someone’s WhatsApp and last seen status
It’s become a red flag 🚩 for me
As either I’m getting obsessed
Or they are ignoring me
So when that happens I delete their contact
And then I can’t look anymore

@Thisisworsethananticpated I probably should have just messaged him at lunchtime today to say 'are we still meeting' but I didn't want to chase and was going with the theory that if he was interested he'd contact me as I'd left it with him to let me know when he got back.

It’s funny as if it’s a friend - we don’t care about chasing , we’d say oi- are we meeting ? Yes or no
And then we plan our day

But with men we get all stressed about chasing
I wonder why ?

@Thisisworsethananticpated I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting that. Nowadays everyone seems so into the idea of casual and hookups that wanting something more is too much to ask.

Yeah I’ve been there before obsessing over when they’ve messaged/if they’re online/why they’re not replying and I’ve got a lot better at it and also not put up with any inconsistencies from guys so I’m trying not to do that now just curious to see if he does come back online

Sorry to see ppl are having a shit time right now.
Had a walking date with miss horse Carvery today, all very nice, very radio times, a small spark. She took my arm for bit ( I’m sure she felt my arse ! ), had coffee afterwards, would like to have had some lunch but she had to go and do some horse stuff,
Have invited her out for an evening meal next week, awaiting a response….

Knutface, purplestripyscarf
That's good to know it's still possible and thanks I'll be keeping on eye on here when I get back too it 🙂

@ihavetogoshoppingnow sorry that’s happened it sounds like either he’s lost his phone but more likely you've been blocked, sorry. If its not been delivered and you cant see he's been online then hes likely blocked you. He’s probably got a gf I would try not to take it personally. There’s a lot of players about as we know!!

I had a totally sweet day with my good friend yesterday. We’re more like sisters known each other for over 20 years. I cane home feeling a little lost and sad though… she has a husband who adores her, 2 gorgeous and lovely children, big beautiful expensive house, fancy car.. fancy holidays.. genuinely happy and house fill of love.. felt sad selfishly in my heart thinking why have I never had love like that.. it hurt a bit.. I would never tell anyone this in real life it just helps having a ‘secret journal’ to get it out 💗
We also talked about family.. she has a stable and lovely mum and dad who love her and are normal and kind.. I’m blessed in lots of ways but never had love in my life from family or a partner and it just kind of hurts at times 💔
Soz for the self indulgence here
All done now

ButterflyOfShay
Jesus I’d be a bit low too after that !!
Like really
Totally understandable

@ButterflyOfShay I would also feel a bit shit after that but firstly nothing is ever perfect. You are seeing what you really want but I'm sure your friend has tough times too and envies you.

What i would say is you are doing the right thing in looking at yourself and making changes like with drinking less, getting some help through counselling, and you're en route to being happier anyway.

Thanks darlings honestly I love my friend to pieces and Im happy shes happy and I do have a great life too its just sometimes things give me little pangs and i feel a bit sensitive.. all good though! *puts the rhino skin back on 💗

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow the date sounds promising! Chuckled at the ‘very Radio Times’ description. Hope you get a yes back from her soon for your second date. How did she manage to feel your bum while holding your arm by the way?!

ButterflyOfShay
I don’t know if it’s a rhino skin
I think we have to allow the emotions actually
Why have counselling etc if we then supress our valid feelings ? ❤️

And where the rhino skin is useful is to say ‘ok I’ve had my wallow’ now back on the horse 🐎

So on that note I’m off to gym and I’m staying busy busy busy today
No WhatsApp !

Hello all. So I'm brand new to OLD and need your advice if I'm going to get better at this. Yesterday, I went for my first coffee with someone. I had literally only matched with him the day before and he asked, I was free and thought why not. We had a lovely 1.5 hour chat over a coffee and he's a lovely guy but not for me.

Help point 1 - He asked for my number and I gave it to him because in the moment I didn't know what to say.

Help point 2 - he then messaged me after saying he had a lovely time and would like to meet again. I was at a friends last night so didn't respond but he has messaged again this morning saying he would like to meet again.

How do I kindly tell people that I don't want to give them my number without being rude and how do you kindly tell people they are not for you. Even if I don't give my number there is the potential that they might contact me through OLD. I don't want to be cruel but I also don't want to ignore people or give anyone the wrong impression out of kindness.