Dating thread 225: Roses are red, violets are blue

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Stepcount I think you just have to weigh up the positives and negatives but it does sound like he has a lot more good traits which make up for the lack of intimacy in parts. I can imagine it's hard as you are now very invested in the relationship. . My ex is good looking and I feel I made allowances purely because I was the awkward one growing up and he was literally the football captain type! But he was very flawed himself and I recognise he wasn't right for me in the end.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I'm sorry about Mr Baltic. The overchatting about exes would annoy me too!

Its been a weird week for work and dating Mr Music. He's still really under stress with his job but coming out of that now. I'm sortof dealing with the come down where before he was completely infatuated and wanting to be with me all the time versus now where reality (frustrating work etc) is getting in the way. We still have long chats each night and are regularly seeing each other but I'm feeling a bit like it's waning. This weekend we are meant to be seeing each other and he has to do his hobby one evening otherwise will be kicked out. In the early days, he would have been OK with me upstairs waiting for him but I'm getting the feeling he might say not to stay the night that day. Which would inadvertently make me feel like he's choosing his hobby over time together and we would only have one night instead of 2. I had this kind of thing before with a previous partner who was too scared to tell me he wanted a day sometimes to sort his personal stuff out in case it would offend me. At the time I tried to be OK with it and it was fine. I need to be OK with it again!

I am invested in the relationship but at the same time, I don't want to be blind to any flaws as I've made that mistake before. I actually want someone quite infatuated with me if I'm honest.

@Eesha maybe it’s not that it’s waning but that he just can’t sustain the amount of time he was giving you like the 3 hour phone calls of an evening, I couldn’t imagine being able to find 30 mins every day let alone 3 hours, perhaps he’s feeling like other areas of his life are slipping and he doesn’t want that? I’d try not to worry too much and let him have some time? It sounded pretty full on between you.

@Thisisworsethananticpated every grown adult I know has ‘problems’ 🙄 of course you don’t want to sit and be his therapist for his ex!! Urgh!

@ButterflyOfShay with the calls, we just have a chat before bed so an hour or less. And he does his hobby pretty regularly. I think though it's the weekend where he would have said stay but now I think he might not feel its feasible to concentrate with me hovering around. You're right, it was very full on at the start so I'm just trying to get used to things quietening down a bit.

Sorry @Eesha my mistake I thought I remembered you’d said he was calling you for 3 hours 🙂 maybe he just feels like he’s losing himself a bit, it’s natural to not want to do that so try not to worry xx you can’t let shit from the past get into your head (I know thats nearly impossible though)
I know I’d have kept loving my ex if he’d have just let me breathe and be myself, but he didn’t so the opposite happened! I think yours had been single a long time too hadn’t he so he’s probably forgotten what its like being with someone and maybe just needs to regroup himself somewhat x

@Eesha This comment is interesting I actually want someone quite infatuated with me if I'm honest

I'm not sure how healthy or sustainable that is in a relationship. We all want to feel wanted but infatuation is huge steps past the wanted stage.
I think the early stages are so giddy with excitement that you often make that person the centre of your world but of course at some point real life has to get in the way and that person is no longer in the centre.

I know partners not wanting to spend time with you can hurt (as I know only too well) but he has to have a life outside of your relationship.
I hope he can be honest about whether he wants you there while he is doing his hobby and you can continue having honest conversations.

@SortingItOut @Eesha I love that early infatuation stage and I got a lot of that sort of attention from the apps. I was in an interesting way of being with it, basically 'I think I'm entitled to it as all I need to do is stick a few photos up and I get a gazillion likes and a few dates and a bunch of guys begging me to sleep with them'. Yeah I'm not proud of that but it served a purpose for me.

@ButterflyOfShay @SortingItOut thank you both for the great advice and shaking me into reality! We definitely were doing 3 hr calls daily before which wasn't sustainable. And he's made it really clear that he doesn't want me to take it personally, its just if he doesn't participate, they won't let him continue. I'm going to take the positives though, that we can just enjoy the time together when we can, which is weekly anyway. I guess it felt initially that I had become less important/taken for granted, which I've felt in previous relationships and its turned me off them.

Eesha

I also found the infatuated comments interesting

I’m the same and I’m really wondering what’s healthy or not
And I don’t know !!!!

It’s that ever present issue of
What is right and natural to feel
What’s me being fucked up
It’s confusing

Here is my pros and cons list for mr Balkan Baltic
Sorry !!!!

Pros
Hot sex
And hot sex
Texts me a lot and is in contact
Sexy

Cons
Not making me feel special
I’m way too emotionally attached due to the hot sexy
He has a lot of issues and isn’t coping with them great at al
He thinks his issues are bigger than mine
Won’t even say if he likes me !
It’s taking up far too much headspace and is stressing me out
I’d rather use headspace for kids and family and friends
It’s now me chasing

I’d be mad to text him ever again right !!!!!

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Here is my pros and cons list for mr Balkan Baltic Sorry !!!!

Pros
Hot sex
And hot sex
Texts me a lot and is in contact
Sexy

Cons
Not making me feel special
I’m way too emotionally attached due to the hot sexy
He has a lot of issues and isn’t coping with them great at al
He thinks his issues are bigger than mine
Won’t even say if he likes me !
It’s taking up far too much headspace and is stressing me out
I’d rather use headspace for kids and family and friends
It’s now me chasing

I’d be mad to text him ever again right !!!!!

I had this last year with ms Business, the sex was great, but for everything else seemed her needs and wants were more important than mine, not equal to mine. It’s not fair, feasible or supportable in the long run.

He thinks his issues are bigger than mine. < sorry but this sounds like a race to the bottom

HowlongWillThisTakeNow
Thanks
Gosh it’s a steep learning curve

@WeWantTheFinestWines

I don't feel like I've graduated or otherwise. I've always had good boundaries and a keen eye for a red flag. I enjoy the sharing of experiences and different viewpoints on this thread and hope to return to posting more meaningfully when I get back on the horse. I hope some of you will still be around then. It seems like the other thread will be more of an "in a relationship/loved up" space so I'll have no business there! 😅

Same for me.

Feeling a bit low about dating etc. Two guys moved to WA in the last couple of weeks, one fairly chatty then changed to "thought we could just have some fun", other was OK but I've initiated chat twice now I think, and since I've not done so, I've not heard from him (since Sunday). So they're both in the bin.

Loads of Tinder matches so last week messaged them all, but v few replies. Deleted those that didn't reply after two days.
Now got six more matches, a couple have messaged but they never ask anything, the chat just ends up stalking. I refuse to "carry" the conversation continually.

The party MrWG might be at is this Sat. A mutual friend had a pop at him fir ghosting me, he said "but she knew I was busy" (actually, he had Covid and was isolating and had cancelled work etc, we're all "busy" anyway) and she said "that's just bollocks, you're not too busy to text someone", he said he'd tried to reply to my message but it didn't go through and friend said "she probably blocked you and I don't blame her".

MrStone is giving me a lift to the party 🤦🏻‍♀️

I can totally relate to wanting infatuation. I have never had that and always think it would be so nice to have someone 100% into me, presents, messages of love, wanting to spend all day with me….Having said that, I do think it’s one of those things that you THINK you want, when I actually get a taste of it (in the early days with constant messaging etc) I actually think it’s annoying and a turn off!

@VanGoghsDog, it's great that your friend said what she did to Mr WG, he absolutely needed to hear it. What a shame he couldn't have had a sensible, mature conversation with you to the same effect at the time it needed to be addressed. I hope you have a lovely time at the party. Is there still a part of you that wants to speak to him or are you beyond that now ?

Just a quick update from me after a pretty difficult day yesterday. I went out for something to eat with Mr V and whilst trying not to succumb to the threatened tears or to talk incessantly about 'US' the conversation went in that direction. He was sweet and looked me in the eye, said lots of positive things that I needed to hear and dissolved much of my sadness and uncertainty- well certainly improved greatly how I had been feeling and that improvement has continued over to today. I feel committed to him and whatever bumps in the road there are I'm prepared to navigate them with him. I've never been looking for a perfect scenario with someone because like many of us I have had a few too many difficulties to expect skipping and rose petals. But a good heart and longstanding loyalty mean the most to me and I hope that is the basis Mr V and I are working off.

I'm in the same boat as @WeWantTheFinestWines and @VanGoghsDog lots of conversations which have fizzled out, no date zeros and just feeling pretty low about it all in general.

I’m totally taking a break from the apps for a good few weeks
This Baltic thing has really upset me

I need headspace to explore when the red flags 🚩 came up and why didn’t I address sooner

Or why I ignored them (maybe because he ripped my clothes off and I was horny )

I also think people join in January
Then by February everyone’s bitter and pissed off !!!!!

@Stepcount What a super update.
I know the intimacy thing is a thorn in your side but aside from that (and a lack of knowing his feelings although it seems like when it matters he is open) things between you are pretty great.
Its so hard to find a decent man we must clutch on to them if the good outweighs the bad.

@Thisisworsethananticpated From an outsiders perspective the impression I got from the Mr Baltic situation was that it was supposed to be FB/FWB - just lots of sex and a bit of friendship.
You developed feelings (even though you didn't want to) and you instigated a 'what are we' chat which ended up far too serious and he offloaded his problems to you so you in tirn did the same turning your FB/FWB situation from fun to serious and since then he has decided you are his counsellor and is now offloading more taking it even further away from fun.

Possibly the problem was at the start neither of you being clear on what you wanted.

Also not everyone can do casual sex/FB/FWB and its best to know now what camp you are in to avoid getting hurt.

You might also look at why you got attached so quickly, I know about your son which must be very hard for you and I wonder if your life is lacking in some ways and he filled a gap that really you should have filled yourself.
Do you work? What about friends and hobbies?

SortingItOut

Thanks your post just made me cry 😢 as you are spot on actually
I turned to online dating for fun and to distract me from real life worries about my son and work

But the emotional attachment is the thing that worries me and yeah , it scares me how fast I get obsessed with them as it’s not ducking normal or healthy

I work full time , have friends , a life

But the minute I like a man I get bat shit crazy obsessive and I don’t know why , I don’t like it but I seem powerless to stop it

In fact I hate it

@Thisisworsethananticpated I'm sorry I made you cry.

I think we are polar opposites in terms of emotions and neither is healthy. I slept with tons of men when I split from my ex and some were long term (over 12mths in some cases) and I developed 0 feelings. I joke that my heart is made of stone but I genuinely think it is.
I'm actually ashamed of using and casting aside all these men just to fulfil my sexual needs.

Do you suffer with low self esteem/confidence so when a man shows an interest you feel validated and so you crave that feeling?

Have you ever had counselling to address this as it is unhealthy and I think you need to dig deeper to understand the reasons.

SortingItOut
Don’t apologise , your were very insightful and you helped me
I’m very grateful

And yeah I probably do as it was bad enough doing this in my 20s
But not at 48
I’d rather be like you , really !!

@Thisisworsethananticpated My way is also very unhealthy so maybe somewhere in the middle.
My lack of feelings/emotions isn't great for my relationship with Mr K but he knew from day one that my heart is made of stone and my barriers were up high.

I think you also mentioned obsessively checking their online/last seen status on Whatsapp which you know is really unhealthy.
I think some counselling and help to work through how to not do this would be good.

SortingItOut
I’ve deleted him so that’s one less worry

But yeah I’m more upset at my emotional turbulence than losing him actually

And I know it’s totally wacky
Thanks again