Dating thread 225: Roses are red, violets are blue

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Are you still off the apps? butterfly? It's just tedious I'm finding!

Some really interesting thoughts @TheCatWithTheHat about whether something is "missing" from you or your partner(s). I wonder the same thing sometimes, is this relationship with Mr D enough? Am I enough for him/vice versa? Ultimately he makes me happy and I love him, but the creeping doubts throw me off course from time to time.
I haven't seen it @Bangheadhere40 but I read an article saying tinder were going to introduce a feature where you "match" based on interests and have to chat before photos are revealed.

@Bangheadhere40 that’s similar to my experience being in a city, loads of matches but the % that actually talk is ridiculously low

Thanks for the comments - some thought provoking points there.

I met up with a friend for dinner tonight, and talked about this and she made a really good point which was a bit of a light bulb moment. I've been mostly steering Miss S and I to do the things I enjoy doing (usually things she also enjoys), but this means that I'm not having any new experiences and it's just like dating myself, doing the same old things I know I enjoy, but things that are "mine". I need to push myself to say yes to the things that she wants to do and only then will I experience the real her.

I've taken advantage of her agreeableness to only do the things I enjoy, and made excuses for not doing the things that are out of my comfort zone. I don't think I'm entirely to blame - she's not really objected to anything I've suggested, but I think now I finally see where I've been going wrong.

I think in some ways I like to be the hare, but I guess I'm so used to tearing round this familiar track that everything has become predictable.

[quote ihavetogoshoppingnow]@Bangheadhere40 that’s similar to my experience being in a city, loads of matches but the % that actually talk is ridiculously low[/quote]
I've been looking at alternatives to using apps. Most obvious one seems to be speed dating. Trouble is that the nearest places I can go for this are an hour or more away. I don't mind the travelling, but it really cuts down on the number of people who one could practically have a relationship with - you might get someone from the same direction as you, but anyone on the other side of the city where the venue is, forget it.

There are also a number of firms offering dinners, dances, even black-tie balls for singles. Great, much more my sort of scene than clubbing. Only trouble is that the nearest one is in Suffolk. 300 miles away.

It's not often that I'm envious of those living in cities, but I'm hardly in the back of beyond here and there's nothing going on.

It's really interesting to read the analogy about the hare and tortoise. I think I might just be a tortoise type myself but I've never really felt I've wanted anyone too different to change my world. In fact I've just wanted a partner who I can be myself with. Then I've felt I/we can flourish.

How is everyone? The weekend is fast approaching.

@Bangheadhere40

Are you still off the apps? butterfly? It's just tedious I'm finding!

Me too! Matches but they rarely respond and never really the ones I want to talk to.

@Bangheadhere40 nope been off the apps now since I think last august/september time. Just can’t face looking back on there. The thought of them is actually quite triggering for me and brings a lot of bad feelings. I’d rather have no one (as is the case) than have to deal with those again. It’s shit but what can you do?!
The final straw for me was because I matched and went for a drink with someone locally (MrTrades). He was another bad apple but kept seeing me about and texting or bumping into him and I just thought, I don’t need any more of these/this. Meeting weirdos online then them becoming pests. Would rather just wait and if I meet someone naturally then that is much more right for me, personally.

The issue is I live in a snallish town now having moved from London so the chances of bumping into local weirdos on the single small high street here is high. Its not faceless and anonymous like London!! 🙈 which I do actually love, however I think you have to act more carefully.

ButterflyOfShay
I’m sorry you had that . I did tinder last summer , and it was a very strange experience , mainly because I got fast into sexting
Also some very strange video dates

Then I did inner circle and that was weird too
One charmer cut me off 5 mins into a video date and ghosted me

Then in January tried hinge and decided to make
My profile brutally honest , and even mentioned my mentally ill son (he’s actually in a better place)
For some reasons the guys I met then were really nice ! It was more friendship focussed

I mentioned I’m a single parent , that I vape , that I’m sweary , a bit anxious etc !!

So moving forward I’ve decided fuck it , be totally honest about who I am and where I’m at

No walks in the park, cosy night on the sofa or pineapple on pizza comments for me !

Mr HT posted on Facebook last night that he's a candidate in the next local elections.

I had a massive mix of emotions. I just said Good Luck on it and he just replied thanks.

In my head I was just thinking, maybe he hasn't met someone else (I had convinced myself he had that's why his fab profile was hidden and he'd not been on in weeks) - maybe he's just focused on this.

Then I was like, how can he do this if he avoids tough conversations. Then thought wait, how can he work full time, do a part time degree and do this? Why is he making himself so busy.

Then I asked myself why I even cared. I shouldn't give a toss what he does. He doesn't give a toss about me. He's just not being my friend at all and I need to give my head a wobble.

But the truth is I do care. I want him to be happy and successful but I want him to be my friend again. I miss that bit more than any sexual intimacy.

I was doing so well and getting myself on an even keel emotionally. Now I just feel like I stepped back 20 steps and crying over something I should have moved on from.

I'm not going to give myself a hard time over this but I feel like I need a rest from my own head.

@cravingthelook do you think you should be his friend on Facebook even? Also, I know you say you miss his friendship but there lies madness. He doesn't seem to be bothered and it will only hurt you more.

cravingthelook
The pain of seeing an ex is a nasty one
So your sanity a favour and unfollow him x

Agree with @Eesha and @Thisisworsethananticpated @cravingthelook cut him loose.. do yourself a favour.

@thisisworse I find all the apps are horrendous, can’t see myself going back on anytime.

The difference is I do consider that I am his friend and always treated him as such.

I've unfollowed him now.

Hope you’re ok @cravingthelook, you could still think of him as your friend without having to feel any heartache of seeing his facebook things I guess?

I’m quite looking forward to tomorrow. Got the gorgeous tree surgeon coming over, he’s a lovely bloke. Hopefully it won’t get cancelled with this storm that’s due. Stay safe everyone! 🌪

@ButterflyOfShay

Hope you’re ok *@cravingthelook*, you could still think of him as your friend without having to feel any heartache of seeing his facebook things I guess?

I’m quite looking forward to tomorrow. Got the gorgeous tree surgeon coming over, he’s a lovely bloke. Hopefully it won’t get cancelled with this storm that’s due. Stay safe everyone! 🌪

Probably a bit dangerous to do tree surgery in a storm like this. Maybe you'd better invite him inside, just to be on the safe side

Just like buses, you get no matches for ages and then a few at once. A couple have even spawned conversations. Obviously I've no reason to believe that these will go any further than previous ones have in the past but small victories...

Awww @cravingthelook sending you healing vibes and also big up the unfollow! You just have to cold turkey sometimes...

@ButterflyOfShay definitely time for a cuppa ☕️ it's way too windy for work!!!

@DdraigGoch may your matches generate conversations which generate positive vibes which lead to dates which lead to second dates which lead to whatever you desire 💖

So met up with him after recovering from covid. We've met a few more times , had sex the last time we met up and surprise surprise I think he's starting the slow fade . Absolute fucking bastard.

Haha @PurpleStripyScarf @BelladiMamma yes forget the work.. come indoors, let me warm you up! 😏 I bloody would as well. He’s an absolute cutie!!

Hope you are okay craving, agree it's best to unfollow!

Speaking of the ones that got away - I spoke to mine on the phone last night. I'm actually really glad I did, I couldn't have done it if I didn't feel 'strong' enough but I wanted to see if I still had feelings.

I didn't- he was really difficult to speak to and not as I remembered really. I think we spent so much time messaging rather than speaking I got the wrong ( a manufactured) impression of him, if I'd have met him straight away I don't even think I would have even liked him!

I definitely miss what I built him up to be, not what he actually was - I'm really glad I got the courage to do it and it almost feels freeing.

@Inthesameboatatmo sigh. So lame and disrespectful when guys do that.

@Bangheadhere40 so glad you did that convo, sounds very cathartic. Now you can rest easy that he wasn’t right for you. So true that we can build someone up in our minds based on messages and what we want to believe.

@Stayingstrongish
Yes it is isn't it. Oh well onwards and upwards.