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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 225: Roses are red, violets are blue

998 replies

ButterflyOfShay · 07/02/2022 07:21

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
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12
Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/02/2022 07:08

It’s worse actually
As you were so young and it will have majorly
Impacted you as you grew
Sorry 😞
I did the freedom programme and it was awesome
I wish such a thing could exist for families but of
Course it can’t , as way more complex

ButterflyOfShay · 16/02/2022 07:12

Yeah… its just so annoying it's taken until now to realise all the things I've realised over the last couple of years and I hit this big turning point at Christmas. Onwards and upwards now though even if it’s a slow journey with blips along the way.

OP posts:
Stayingstrongish · 16/02/2022 08:03

Hugs @ButterflyOfShay. I have lots of family issues (talking but barely) so get how you feel.

Eesha · 16/02/2022 08:03

@ButterflyOfShay I think you'll find a lot of help with your therapy sessions. Everyone i know finds it really useful. You sound like you are making great strides this year already. There is another thread about difficult family dynamics on mumsnet (labelled We took you to Stately Homes I think) which might be useful for you too. Stay strong, you always come across as lovely on here, you deserve happiness.

BelladiMamma · 16/02/2022 08:04

@Thisisworsethananticpated

BelladiMamma Ah so he is a FT single parent What age are kids , approx And for how long ?

My theory is single parents deserve to have fun 🤩
Ok , happiness - happier parents are good parents

And the kids should know as and when

Why shouldn’t their dad have his own emotional life
And maybe when the time is right you meet them

But I’d imagine it’s hard for him as you two sound like it’s pretty full on

They are 10 & 12. He's had them most of the time since they were born. Mum kept coming and going, she has addiction issues. Eventually made the full split two years ago. They're understandably very attached and don't cope very well even if he travels for work. He doesn't have a huge support system other than friends / sleepovers etc back here. I do wonder what I'm getting into. The 1-1 with him is great but the amount of backlash on him after he's been away even for a night is pretty big. Thank the Lord my two are ok about it. They're protective and want to know he's a good guy but they don't feel rejected if I am dating.
Stayingstrongish · 16/02/2022 08:05

Going away with Mr Beard soon. I love what a calm, kind presence he is in my life. It’s a revelation not to be told off, criticised or bossed about in a relationship.

Eesha · 16/02/2022 08:10

@BelladiMamma personally I would give it time given its taken you so long to find someone so decent and well suited to you. It's up to Mr D to navigate this new normal I feel, which I'm sure he will do.

BelladiMamma · 16/02/2022 08:49

Thanks @Eesha. It's definitely getting my time and attention but it's interesting how we can take on the psychic pain of others (his children) even though I don't know them. I am quite sure they will find it really hard to be around me as that's going to stir some deep seated abandonment issues that they probably aren't even aware of.

@ButterflyOfShay another vote for therapy here. I've started with a new one recently and it's been very helpful. I feel even the change of therapist after 3/4 years is giving me a new opportunity for healing

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/02/2022 08:50

BelladiMamma
Mine are similar ages , and also really fucked up after their dad left two years ago
Very attached , to me ! God knows why hahaha
To the extent that eldest doesn’t even attend school 😬

What’s helped me is finding two really decent babysitters , nice girls , they like them

I agree this is for him to navigate
But also he needs to have the faith that he can be a great dad and have his own life

SortingItOut · 16/02/2022 08:59

@ButterflyOfShay I'm so pleased you've got your counselling booked in.
It will do you so much good but be prepared for the first few sessions to feel like you've been wrung out to dry afterwards.

I think my first 5 sessions I cried the whole time, now I cry maybe once or twice for a minute or 2.
Crying for whole sessions was more awful than what I was talking about as I (used) to see crying as a sign of weakness.

Honestly though it will do you the world of good💗

BelladiMamma · 16/02/2022 09:49

@Thisisworsethananticpated

BelladiMamma Mine are similar ages , and also really fucked up after their dad left two years ago Very attached , to me ! God knows why hahaha To the extent that eldest doesn’t even attend school 😬

What’s helped me is finding two really decent babysitters , nice girls , they like them

I agree this is for him to navigate
But also he needs to have the faith that he can be a great dad and have his own life

I agree that he needs a babysitter and I've planted the seed on a few other options as otherwise he's stuck 'relying' on his ex who isn't really reliable at all. And obviously his girls want to see their Mum but they also don't trust her to look after them properly ... anyway. All down to him to figure things out as that side of things isn't my circus (for the moment)
Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/02/2022 10:09

It’s not your circus
But you can also plant seeds !!!

TheCatWithTheHat · 16/02/2022 16:04

@ButterflyOfShay another vote for therapy - I've found it very useful.

So a quick update with Miss S... she's been in touch to ask if we could talk about things, as things happened so fast at the weekend that she didn't say everything she wanted to say. The things she put in her last message surprised me really, as they were pretty much my thoughts too. I do wonder if there's something worth salvaging here, as we're both very similar to each other in so many ways and it's hard to say what was wrong - it just felt that there wasn't that amazing spark/excitement that I crave.

We do have a lot in common, but I just worry that I've never really been that into her - but with previous relationships some of that "being into them" feeling has been down to them being unavailable, and they haven't worked out either.

But I haven't felt that desperate sadness since we ended it that I've felt with previous breakups, although some of that I'm sure is that I know she wants to give it another go.

So I'm torn really - on one hand we like similar things, get on well, the physical side is really good, she doesn't mind me spending time doing my own thing sometimes (and she enjoys getting involved in my main hobby sometimes too), plus we don't fight or argue. The downside is that she's just a little bit too laid back and maybe I take advantage of that by being quite lazy in our relationship, and hence feel there's no excitement.

But also I had to be interviewed by someone today on the phone, and they sounded so lovely and bubbly I'd have dated them just based on our chat alone! I think I need someone who's a little bit bubbly just to bring that side of me out, and Miss S is very much like me in that she's not that bubbly at all.

Stepcount · 16/02/2022 16:21

@TheCatWithTheHat, I think it can be extremely difficult to feel like you have made the right decision when something isn’t exactly wrong but you know that it’s not fully right for you either. I think you have to listen to your gut and follow your instincts. Ms S may be a lovely person and as such hasn’t done anything wrong - or certainly didn’t perceive anything that was making her feel unsettled with you, which may account for her desire to talk it through. I think from what you write you aren’t feeling that extra bit of something that’s needed to keep you invested. You need to decide what could be discussed or what could she say that might make you think you might have been hasty to end things.

TheCatWithTheHat · 16/02/2022 17:09

Thanks @Stepcount The trouble is, I'm not sure I can trust my gut - my instincts haven't been that successful until now, and I do worry whether that little bit of extra something is actually missing from me. I think I'm relying on someone else bringing that little bit of sparkle to a relationship when really it should come from me too.

It may well be that she isn't right for me, but I think a lot of this is down to me and I'm worried it'll just keep on happening until I figure out how to change that.

Stepcount · 16/02/2022 18:00

@TheCatWithTheHat, I think one of the key things is deciding what kind of role in your life you would like a partner to play. Are you looking for a full time, living together eventually, real deal kind of thing ? Or someone you see, have dates and are intimate with but you’re not expecting to be long term life partners ? I know I want someone I can fully share my life with, live together etc. Others on here as you know are looking for someone to whom they are committed but maintain a degree of independence from… and others want lots of naughty NSA sex.
In terms of you expecting someone to be more - funny/outgoing/confident than you are, well yes those things are achievable but you have also got to provide something in return- not necessarily like for like but definitely complement each other.

Bangheadhere40 · 16/02/2022 18:50

Not sure if anyone has watched love is blind. My daughter put it on, on Netflix.

Interesting that looks are irrelevant and they bond by getting to know each other before they 'see' eachother.

Makes me feel not quite so crazy for being so hung up on my 3 month wonder before I met him!

Bangheadhere40 · 16/02/2022 18:51

I'm finding with my location change I'm getting way more matches but less who actually 'talk'.

Badbaddog · 16/02/2022 19:20

[quote Stepcount]@TheCatWithTheHat, I think one of the key things is deciding what kind of role in your life you would like a partner to play. Are you looking for a full time, living together eventually, real deal kind of thing ? Or someone you see, have dates and are intimate with but you’re not expecting to be long term life partners ? I know I want someone I can fully share my life with, live together etc. Others on here as you know are looking for someone to whom they are committed but maintain a degree of independence from… and others want lots of naughty NSA sex.
In terms of you expecting someone to be more - funny/outgoing/confident than you are, well yes those things are achievable but you have also got to provide something in return- not necessarily like for like but definitely complement each other.[/quote]
I think these are really good points
@TheCatWithTheHat
. As someone in a relationship along the lines of ‘intimate but not life partners’, I definitely bring something different to what Mr B does. He is the tortoise and I am the hare. I value his calm steadfastness and he values my drive. If you are the tortoise then you’re probably right that another tortoise is just not the right fit for you. You need a hare to dazzle you, energise you and, most importantly, value you for what you bring to the race.

Good, have I just lost myself in a fable?

Anyway, I hope that helps at least a bit.

Bangheadhere40 · 16/02/2022 19:22

Interesting, I can adapt to tortoise or hare I guess, but much prefer being the hare.

I normally go for the opposite of what I need. I need someone more settled and quieter who lets me take the lead. For some reason I go for the opposite and then feel intimidated.

Badbaddog · 16/02/2022 19:31

I was the tortoise for 30 years with my XH because he was a flighty messy hare - despite me being naturally a hare. Never again. I’ve identified who I am now and I won’t ever bend myself out of my hare-shape for anyone ever again.

maristocat · 16/02/2022 19:55

Hi everyone! Hope you're all good

After my most recent AWFUL dating experience (posted the other day if anyone saw) I decided to dip my toe into the dating thread as I think my mates are bored of my rants 😂

No irons as yet - I do have a nice FWB who doesn't live locally but comes to stay and looks after me, but it's not going to be anything!! So onwards with swiping. I will read up and see where everyone's up to Smile

ButterflyOfShay · 16/02/2022 20:40

Oooooh tortoise and hare, I LOVE that analogy 😆😆

Thanks friends for the kind words today x
My work’s so busy (been changes at my place) I hardly get time to hang out in here lately.

OP posts:
ButterflyOfShay · 16/02/2022 20:44

@Stayingstrongish Mr Beard is definitely a keeper eh 💘

OP posts:
Bangheadhere40 · 16/02/2022 20:45

Aw butterfly Read your posts today and please let us know how the therapy goes! I'm very much like you I think...awful childhood that's never really been addressed, quite happy with my cat but would like to dig deeper and know who I really am if that makes sense xxxx