Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexual assault - reported 'DH'

309 replies

Flamingjunior · 05/02/2022 00:36

Need a handhold please - where do I go from here. Have posted before about DH sexually assaulting me whilst asleep - I've woken to it several times and once again tonight. I cannot take it anymore.... I am devastated that he's do this continually. I asked him to get out of the bed, he refused. I have moved to a spare room and reported online (called 101 but was on hold). I feel sick. Sick that he's done this again... sick that this will ruin his reaction ship with his DC but I cannot keep letting it happen. My DD thinks the world of him..... what do I do? How can I tear her world apart by taking her and moving out?

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamingjunior · 05/02/2022 00:52

Sorry for typos

OP posts:
Inthedarkofthenight · 05/02/2022 00:52

You are so strong for deciding to report and take action. Be proud you're making steps in the right direction.
Someone will be along shortly with actual advice, but I just wanted you to know that you're stronger than you think

Rainbowqueeen · 05/02/2022 00:55

You did the right thing. 💐
He is responsible for his relationship with your DD not you. If it is damaged then that it his fault not yours

Please make sure you speak to rape crisis as well. RL support will really help you. Thinking of you and so proud that you have take this step.

AnotherDelphinium · 05/02/2022 00:55

you're doing the right thing, you never want your DC to think this kind of behaviour is acceptable, especially after its happened multiple times and he can't see what is wrong with it.
Flowers

Closetbeanmuncher · 05/02/2022 00:58

Have you actually reported him OP?

RoyKentsChestHair · 05/02/2022 00:58

You’re amazing for standing up to him. You’re not tearing her world apart, you’re removing her from a situation in which the most important person in her world (and her biggest role model) is being regularly assaulted by someone who’s supposed to love you. You’re 100% doing the right thing and you will be a happier and healthier mum for her without him molesting you.

The temptation will be to hide from her what the real reason for splitting up is. I’m sure he will fill in the gaps with a story that suits his narrative so work out a way to explain to her about boundaries etc in case he tries to spin it that he’s being nice and you don’t want him to.

You will get through this Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/02/2022 01:01

My DD thinks the world of him..... what do I do? How can I tear her world apart by taking her and moving out?

You're doing something that means she won't have to grow up in a home with a sex offender.

It doesn't matter that he's her dad. He's a sex offender.

He has no business living under the same roof as a child and you've done entirely the right thing by starting the process of protecting her from that abusive environment.

Heartofglass12345 · 05/02/2022 01:03

Thanks I'm so glad you reported him, that must have been difficult for you.
Do you feel safe right now?

Bollix · 05/02/2022 01:04

I'm so sorry you are going through this @Flamingjunior - stay strong for your DD - sending hand hold & hugs your way ❤️

Weenurse · 05/02/2022 01:19

I am so sorry you are going through this.💐

Original poster
Flamingjunior · 05/02/2022 01:20

Thank you for all your lovely replies, I feel so sad. I hate him for doing this again and for causing this situation but I just can't let him keep doing it. The last time I asked him repeatedly how he'd feel if someone did that to his DDs.... just don't know where to go from here... and yes to pp, I reported online as 101 was on hold for ages. I had to. In the morning he will say it's all in my head and he knew I wasn't asleep. ...

OP posts:
CushionSpiral · 05/02/2022 01:23

Huge well done for reporting it, that’s a huge step, massive. You’ve made the decision this ends and he assaults you no more.
Don’t ever feel you have to hide or defend it, it’s bits your shame to hide.
Tomorrow, or even now if you feel unsafe, go and stay with a friend/family member anything. Tonight bring yours kids into sleep with you, do that every night you’re there with him.

Original poster
Flamingjunior · 05/02/2022 01:24

My DD also currently has covid.... so really limited on where I can go with her. In the past I felt awful for sometimes thinking it would be easier if he was dead.... so no one would know about this.... how awful is that? How has my life become this.... my DD and step DD are the centre of my world. I didn't want to tear it all apart...

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamingjunior · 05/02/2022 01:25

Thanks cushion I'm with my DD now. I want to hug her so tight.

OP posts:
DontSayKwen · 05/02/2022 01:29

You are so strong for taking action. Don’t let anyone especially him or yourself convince you that this is acceptable. Look after yourself and DD. Sending love and strength.

Original poster
Flamingjunior · 05/02/2022 01:33

Thank you. We're supposed to go on holiday in two weeks... ffs.... why, why does he think this is ok? Going to try and sleep. Will the police call? Already panicking about how upset my DD will be if they visit and/or what I say to DSD visiting on Sunday. Maybe he thinks that's enough to stop me reporting it.... I hate him... I hate him for rolling over abs looking at me as if im insane... please let my DD meet someone who treats her properly. Thank you all for your lovely words. I have text my best friend but really don't want to share this with anyone in RL.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 05/02/2022 06:22

Well done op.

Whilst he is the station, have your locks changed.

How old is dd? If she is 11ish or older then I think I would absolutely tell her the truth. It's a hard thing to have to tell her but use it for a conversation about boundaries. Tell her it is not OK for a a man to touch a woman intimately without consent. And that you should have reported him the first time he did it but you end ended giving him more chances. That he needs to speak with the police because he broke the law. And that you will not be letting him back into your life because his behaviour is abusive.

See a solicitor about the divorce as soon as possible

Pinkbonbon · 05/02/2022 06:24

Oh and he doesn't think it's OK btw. Not really. He just wants you to think he thinks that.

He knows it isn't OK but he would rather drive you crazy so he can keep assaulting you than stop. He is a beast and tbh, he belongs in a stoney wee jail cell.

wildseas · 05/02/2022 06:33

What a horrible thing to happen to you- and you’ve been so brave.

Remember that it isn’t your actions which are resulting in you splitting up, it’s his. And whilst that won’t make things easier for your dd that isn’t your guilt to shoulder.

Little steps but keep taking them - ask the police to remove him from the house, get info about how you stop him getting back etc. Try and shield your daughter as much as you can - can she go to your best friends tomorrow? In terms of explanation I would probably say something like “daddy hurt mummy”.

I know you don’t feel able to tell people in real life but if you were able to tell your dsd mum I think that would be hugely protective.

Nailsbythesea · 05/02/2022 07:33

This is a 999 call please you have been raped or sexually assaulted you need to report not just incident but all of them and ask the police to arrest him and get a non molestation order etc get a friend with you if you can when you meet the police officer. Use the correct terms. I was asleep and my husband raped me - I didn’t consent etc

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 05/02/2022 07:43

I'm so sorry, it will be hard but you are doing the right thing.

TracyMosby · 05/02/2022 07:50

I remember your previous thread. It is hard to imagine a reason he thinks it is ok to sexually assault you in your sleep, or any other time. It is a level of entitlement unfathomable to many.

You have made the right choice.
Remember you repeatedly told him to stop sexually assaulting you while you slept. He repeatedly showed you he absolutely does not care. Do not let him put any of his behaviour on you.

teaandchocolate1 · 05/02/2022 08:00

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I know you think splitting up will damage your daughter, but she is not safe around a predator either.

Crazykatie · 05/02/2022 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Velvian · 05/02/2022 08:06

I'm so sorry, OP. I hope the police get back to you quickly. Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread