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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexual assault - reported 'DH'

309 replies

Flamingjunior · 05/02/2022 00:36

Need a handhold please - where do I go from here. Have posted before about DH sexually assaulting me whilst asleep - I've woken to it several times and once again tonight. I cannot take it anymore.... I am devastated that he's do this continually. I asked him to get out of the bed, he refused. I have moved to a spare room and reported online (called 101 but was on hold). I feel sick. Sick that he's done this again... sick that this will ruin his reaction ship with his DC but I cannot keep letting it happen. My DD thinks the world of him..... what do I do? How can I tear her world apart by taking her and moving out?

OP posts:
Cstring · 05/02/2022 12:32

You’ve have done the right thing. Whatever the consequences are, he’s brought them upon himself. You have stood up to him, well done.

Namechangehereandnow · 05/02/2022 12:36

Crazykatie I won’t quote your disgusting message …. Best thing you can do is fuck off from here you vile troll.

McScreamysGhostPants · 05/02/2022 12:37

Op you have absolutely done the right thing. You are so strong and you know that what he has done is wrong in every level.

Your relationship is over and I know it's hard but you can start to catch your breath and move forward without him.

anon12345678901 · 05/02/2022 12:37

@Crazykatie I hope to god you don't have children. No wonder so many men behave disgracefully towards women as apparently their Other half's are just meant to turn a blind eye to it and allow it to continue. OP well done in reporting, you have been very strong and you absolutely do not deserve any kind of sexual assault. If it has repercussions for his access to his children, that is all on him. You have done nothing Wrong in reporting him, anyone who thinks otherwise needs to give their head a good wobble.

I0NA · 05/02/2022 12:38

@Flamingjunior

The police arrived and have taken him into custody. I feel sick and so awful this has all happened. This is a horrible nightmare - why did he have to do it? There are horrible repercussions from this - I feel terrible.
He did this because he enjoys having power over you and controlling your body. It’s not about his desire or “ need” for sex.

It’s about control. Same as he enjoys controlling you in other ways.

I hope you are right when you say that he thinks it’s ok to act the way he does. Because if that’s the case then he will admit everything to the police as he has nothing to hide.

Yes there are terrible repercussions of him being a rapist. Mostly for you and your DD, as you’ve had to live with someone who rapes you.

And repercussion for your DD, as her father is a sex offender. But he didn’t care about that either.

He knew all these consequences but he chose to go on raping you, even after you asked him to stop.

This is all of his making.

You have done the right thing to report him , to keep you and your DD safe.

Please now get some expert advice about keeping him out the house, as PP have said.

kagerou · 05/02/2022 12:38

@Flamingjunior I have no advice for you but I just wanted to say thank you for setting an example for your DD. No man should be allowed to treat a woman like that and she will grow up knowing that.

I wish every woman loved themselves enough to stand up to their abusers but unfortunately we live in a society that often tells us we have to put up with things like this

deleteasappropriate · 05/02/2022 12:38

[quote Outfoxedbyrabbits]**@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Op I just wanted to say you absolutely are doing great. My exh raped me 2 weeks pp. I WISH I had reported him.

I'm sorry this has happened to you too. Did you know you can report him now? It doesn't matter that it happened two weeks ago Flowers[/quote]
I thought @Easterbunnyiswindowshopping meant she was raped two weeks post partum? Absolutely horrific whenever it was.

So sorry for what you've been through, both OP, easterbunny and anyone else who has been attacked by these scumbags.

WorstXmasEver · 05/02/2022 12:38

This reply has been deleted

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McScreamysGhostPants · 05/02/2022 12:39

@Crazykatie

You really need to work on your boundaries. I dread to think what you consider to be "acceptable" behaviour in a relationship and i pity any children exposed to it.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/02/2022 12:42

@WorstXmasEver

I've initiated while my partner is asleep (i'm asleep initially too)

My partner has no issue at all with it.

Could this be the case with him?

Wandering hands when asleep etc

So if he said to you that it upset him, would you genuinely try to gas light him and pretend you knew you were both awake? Or would you do something to address the fact that he doesn't like you having sex with him when he can't consent?

Some relationships have very different boundaries and that's absolutely fine but OP has made it clear she's woken up to him having full sex with her when he's been awake and she hasn't. That isn't the same as sleepy gropes your DP likes

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/02/2022 12:43

@WorstXmasEver

OP is clear that he has previously had sex with her while she was asleep. Please don't plant seeds of doubt that his behaviour has been anything other than rape and sexual assault.

I just can't let him keep doing it. The last time I asked him repeatedly how he'd feel if someone did that to his DDs....

OP has been raped by her partner while asleep, told him she doesn't wish to be touched while asleep, he's assaulted her repeatedly and he has now done it again. You say your partner is ok with you initiating sex while he's asleep. That's fine. It's entirely unhelpful to compare your circumstances. They aren't remotely similar.

DowntonCrabby · 05/02/2022 12:45

What a strong, brave lady you are OP. I know you don’t feel like it at the moment but you’re being the absolute best role model to your DD.

Sending so much support FlowersFlowersFlowers

CanofCant · 05/02/2022 12:45

@Flamingjunior

The police arrived and have taken him into custody. I feel sick and so awful this has all happened. This is a horrible nightmare - why did he have to do it? There are horrible repercussions from this - I feel terrible.
Hi OP, just chiming in to say that the fall out from this is categorically not your fault. You are entirely blameless and have been so brave. He knows what he has done is unacceptable, you have told him so yet he still persisted.

You have absolutely done the right thing for both you and your daughter and shown real courage. Do you have anyone you can confide in who can support you in real life?

Please remember that you have nothing to be sorry for.

3peassuit · 05/02/2022 12:46

This is all on him. You have done the right thing. Stay strong for you and the DC. Life will get better for you.

Devilmakes3 · 05/02/2022 12:46

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lavender2022 · 05/02/2022 12:47

I'm shocked and even hurt on your behalf for what you have had to go through. I'm so sorry, OP. Please forgive me if I come across blunt but your DH is a rapist. I am beyond disgusted by what you have just described. I find it even more abhorrent that he is doing this to you whilst your DC is in the same house. You have absolutely done the right thing contacting 101. If you were on hold and presumably did not want him hearing you from the next room, are you aware that you can report a crime online also? It goes to the same place and is exactly the same as making a report over the phone. You can even state that talking on the phone may be a problem and perhaps communication via email would be a possibility. I think it's also relevant to state that for whatever reason, some men seem to believe that because that is their wife, that they are entitled to do what they want when it comes to her body because it "belongs to them" because you are married. This is completely incorrect and I really hope that somewhere inside of your gut, you know this. Your body belongs to you. I don't care if you have been married for 50+ years and DH has never done anything like this, and then one random night, he decides to. That is still rape. Please continue with your report to the police and I highly suggest that you perhaps even contact Women's Aid and see what they can do to help. Your report to the police will back you up. Sorry for the long post, I'm just so horrified and upset for you. Good luck, OP and remember, you're not just doing this for yourself. You're doing it for your DC first and foremost and most importantly. Thanks

deeplyrooted · 05/02/2022 12:48

Very, very often co-parenting is a much healthier way to raise children. Your dc will have two healthy dps who care for them, instead of one who is worn down by repeated sexual assaults.

You’ve done a good thing here Flowers

Porcupineintherough · 05/02/2022 12:49

Oh OP I m sorry this has happened to you. I'm sorry that reporting this has made so many things difficult for you. But what choice did you have? No one can live like that, and no one should have to - constant fear of sexual assault from some rapey bloke who wont listen.

Nowayoutonlydown · 05/02/2022 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted as it quotes a deleted post.

Original poster
Flamingjunior · 05/02/2022 12:51

Thankyou everyone I've read all the comments. I have spoken with my BF who is wonderful. My DD and I are here trying to keep busy but it feels awful.... like an awful nightmare. She is in tears and misses him. The police were amazing, I've told them all the story.

And i mentioned when I last posted. It's hard to describe this when he does it - it is not sleepy, playful romantic instigating sex. It is waiting for me to be asleep and then doing it, first of all roaming hands, then fingers and then he did the whole thing. I'm sick of it, I've told him it's wrong and he doesn't listen. I don't want a marriage like that and if I hadn't reported it and left, he'd make sure I thought it was all in my head and my fault.

Thank you to everyone. I hope this helps someone else if god forbid they are in the same situation. Flowers

OP posts:
whiteworldgettingwhiter · 05/02/2022 12:51

Op, this is not your fault. Nobody should have to put up with being sexually assaulted and raped. You had warned your h. This is all down to his behaviour, not yours.

Keep posting on here. Can you talk to anyone IRL?

Mummapenguin20 · 05/02/2022 12:57

Op this aint your fault

Lsquiggles · 05/02/2022 12:57

You are so brave for reporting him OP Flowers

Sexnotgender · 05/02/2022 12:58

I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. You’ve absolutely done the right thing though. I wish more women felt strong enough to report this shit.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/02/2022 12:59

You're so brave OP Thanks