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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexual assault - reported 'DH'

309 replies

Flamingjunior · 05/02/2022 00:36

Need a handhold please - where do I go from here. Have posted before about DH sexually assaulting me whilst asleep - I've woken to it several times and once again tonight. I cannot take it anymore.... I am devastated that he's do this continually. I asked him to get out of the bed, he refused. I have moved to a spare room and reported online (called 101 but was on hold). I feel sick. Sick that he's done this again... sick that this will ruin his reaction ship with his DC but I cannot keep letting it happen. My DD thinks the world of him..... what do I do? How can I tear her world apart by taking her and moving out?

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 05/02/2022 12:59

You gave him plenty of warning. It's his fault. He KNOWS it's wrong, he just thought he could get away with it.

❤

UoMomster · 05/02/2022 13:00

Well done OP you have 100% done the right thing. Try to be strong, don’t minimise his behaviour do not drop charges. He’s a rapist. He will continue to rape you and, if you end the relationship, others. Please be brave and strong for your daughter- men like this should not be free to behave in this way.

ChargingBuck · 05/02/2022 13:01

[quote FlamingRoses]@BlazingFlames 999 is for emergencies.[/quote]
Since when was rape not an emergency, @FlamingRoses?

You expect OP to wait until when ...? tomorrow? Monday?
So he can rape her again tonight, because you reckon she isn't in an emergency situation?

I cannot believe the lack of empathy & compassion in your post, let alone your dismissive tone to an OP under this much strain & hurt.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 05/02/2022 13:01

You completely did the right thing OP, both for yourself and your DD.

Wife2b · 05/02/2022 13:06

Well done OP, you’ve been so brave!

Crimesean · 05/02/2022 13:06

Well done OP. You have done the right thing, you should be proud of the example you're setting to your DD - that rape and sexual assault are never ok, no matter who does it, and that women don't need to put up with it.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 05/02/2022 13:06

You are very brave and a fantastic role model for your daughter.

You are bound to have moments of panic and possibly even fleeting feelings of regret if things are difficult in the months to come. You have taken action and taken a stand. That’s such a powerful thing.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 05/02/2022 13:07

OP you are so strong for reporting him, that is 100% NOT okay what he is doing! Sending hugs to you and DD ❤️

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 05/02/2022 13:08

Well done, you strong, brave, woman. Once your daughter is old enough to understand, she will be so pleased you reported this. Flowers

Mo1911 · 05/02/2022 13:09

You may well have stopped someone else being abused if you had ended up leaving him and he started another relationship.

There may be help from the family liaison service in the police, rape crisis and/or woman's aid to help explain to your daughter. You're the victim of rape, sexual assault and therefore domestic violence so please pull in all of the support and expertise from all available for you and your daughter.

Remember how you felt when you woke up, remember how you felt when you lifted the phone to report him. That's the feelings you have to keep hold of until the ordeal is over. Time can lead to rationalisation in favour of going forward to address the issue.

Reread your posts here, write down how you feel/felt somewhere (lockable notes on the iPhone are great for this) pour it all out and it'll help you remember why he left you no choice other than to report him, when/if you wobble reread and add to them.

Good luck. You're a brave lady who is protecting her child and herself.

Original poster
Flamingjunior · 05/02/2022 13:09

I didn't want to use 999 I felt awful wasting time reporting frankly because an option is for me to leave but I need to him to realise it's not right and stop doing it.... I honestly don't know how we can move past this. I'm just focusing on today and keeping my DD occupied. It's hard not to think the easiest thing is to leave it but he knows that.... and whilst last night was not tape because I stopped it, he put his hands through a hole in my clothing.... it was NOT instigating mutual sex. I hate him for causing this hurt to my DD who is confused as to where he is and knows something isn't right.

Thank you to all of you for taking time out to post and reassure me. My BF is at the end of the phone. For now I can only share on here and try and keep functioning for my DD.

OP posts:
lavender2022 · 05/02/2022 13:10

I don't want a marriage like that and if I hadn't reported it and left, he'd make sure I thought it was all in my head and my fault.

I'm sorry, OP, I didn't read the entire thread, just your initial post. I am so happy that you have left and that he is being dealt with by the police. That's put my mind at ease and I'm sure yours even more so. Best of luck with everything, you'll be absolutely fine. What a loving, strong mama you are. Inspiring Thanks

lavender2022 · 05/02/2022 13:12

Oh no.. Sad you haven't left yet? I'm sorry to hear this, OP. Please just hang in there as best you can until things start moving with the police. As I previously suggested, please if you haven't already, contact Women's Aid. They will definitely be able to help you. Will be thinking of you Thanks

ChargingBuck · 05/02/2022 13:16

Well done for reporting OP, & keep communicating with your BF.

I am so sorry he did this to you.
Any 'repercussions' are due to his behaviour - not your actions in asking the police for help.
And he is now on the police radar - he'll think twice about causing you any more harm.
Please call Women's Aid for advice & support. They will help you through the next steps that you need & want to take.

Flowers
PragmaticWench · 05/02/2022 13:17

In case you need it OP, you should qualify for Legal Aid for divorce or a non-mol order as this is domestic abuse.

Stringervest · 05/02/2022 13:18

Well done OP. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Reporting him was a brave thing to do and 100% the right thing.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 05/02/2022 13:21

@WorstXmasEver me and my dp initiate sometimes when the other is asleep. Neither of us has a problem with it.

The op does. She had repeatedly told him no. To stop. He doesn't, he waits until she is alseep and then sexually assaults her and raped her.

OP I am so sorry you are going through this. He is a disgrace and you have done the right thing

Haffiana · 05/02/2022 13:26

The fact that he kept on doing it despite you asking him not to means that this is a fetish act. He LIKES having sex with an unconscious partner. It is his 'kink' and it is harmful. Google somnophilia.

He will never change. Please be careful, because he will promise you the world but he will not change. This is what he is, sexually. Normal sex will never be enough.

Andouillette · 05/02/2022 13:31

@Flamingjunior as many others have said, you are doing the right thing and have shown great courage. My first husband used to do this to me, back in the dark ages when spousal rape was not a thing, legally speaking. I was able (with the encouragement of my lawyer) to use it as part of my grounds for divorce, a decision I have never regretted. Sending you much love and strength, and very best wishes for a much happier future.

mcmooberry · 05/02/2022 13:32

Oh God I can just imagine how nervous, sick and on edge you must be feeling.
Absolutely in awe of you reporting this, shame and a wish to keep it under wraps would be enough to stop most people.
Your have done the right thing reporting him, it's outrageous him doing it to you and it sounds like nothing would ever have stopped him.
Huge respectful hand hold from me xx

IncompleteSenten · 05/02/2022 13:33

Please OP and anyone else reading this -

BEING RAPED CONSTITUTES AN EMERGENCY!!!

It is entirely appropriate to call 999.

IT DOES NOT MATTER WHO IS RAPING YOU.

🤬🤬🤬 It's no less an emergency or a crime because your rapist is your husband.

I would have thought we'd have moved past the idea that a man has the right to use his wife's body when and as he chooses by now ffs.

BrettAndersonscheekbones · 05/02/2022 13:37

I have been in a very similar situation as you, I reported my then husband for marital rape 2 years ago. I went to the police in person, stayed away for two nights until they arrested him. I got an injunction for him to stay away for a year. He never returned to the house. The case is still with the police/CPS. At the time, my whole life was turned upside-down but I have never regretted it.

purpleboy · 05/02/2022 13:39

Sorry op, I was on your original thread I'm sorry he didn't listen.
You have done the right thing and you are so very brave.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 05/02/2022 13:41

You cant stay with him, OP.

He is a rapist. You know that. It doesnt matter if this ends with a conviction or not, you know he is a rapist.

You cant work through this. You cant stay with him. Your child will be fine. You dont need to stay with him.

Call women's aid. Ask for help. They will help you.